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Proof enough? Help!!!

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Moe76 posted 12/22/2019 08:12 AM

Hey all just joined. Been married 14 years... Together 22. We have 4 together and she had one when we met. Raised a beautiful family. Our youngest is 3. Over the past year she had secretly been using drugs... Then she got really bad. About 6 months ago I started noticing the lies about her whereabouts, these girls she was hanging out with were known drug addicts and actively using. I called her on it cuz I'm a recovering addict myself. Long story long she then decided to get clean. After doing so she said she needed to get out of the house cuz she couldn't do it there. Says I wasn't supporting her only to find out she wasn't actually coming off of what she told me. Total lie about the severity of her habit. She moved in with get Mom. We have had an amazing sex life the last two years and honestly always have. We said we would continue working on the during the separation as she really wanted to"work on her" ok.. I'm good with that. I love her truly and she has had some trauma in her life. So off she goes. I work she's a stay at home mom for 18 years at this point. So she comes every day, sits with the youngest I go to work. As my suspicions grew so did my questions to her. After two months of very suspicious activity, I find out she told a friend she met someone. They've been talking. I confront her, she says yes we've been texting. He's just a friend. You don't have to worry about him. I tried to accept this. Honestly...I did. We're separated, she's gonna meet people, I should be comfortable with friends of the opposite see right? I have women friends I'm not trying to sleep with so ok... Well 3 weeks later, or 3 days ago my potential DDay 12/20/19 I bring the baby to her to do her a favor. She's not there. Her mom comes out and admits she didn't sleep there last night. She pulls up and I ask for a 4th time, just tell me so I can move on... Later that day she texted me and admitted she slept there but that is not a romantic relationship. She had just gotten too stoned to drive home. Is that proof enough?

Sincerely confused but realistic.

farsidejunky posted 12/22/2019 08:23 AM

Brother, you know what happened.

You know it isn't the first time.

You know she is lying.

You know.

Give yourself permission to act accordingly. You don't need it from her.

Marauder posted 12/22/2019 08:44 AM

Dude, you know what is going on here. You don't need any more proof. You might want to get the children paternity tested though.

fareast posted 12/22/2019 08:51 AM

Sorry you are here Moe76 but based on what you have described, your WW has checked out of your M and is actively dating another man. She has abandoned your home and your children to pursue another man. Why would you allow this in your M? It is not controlling to demand that your W be in the home and remain faithful. Itís called boundaries. It looks like you currently have an open M. Always value yourself. You and your children deserve better.

Get tested for STDís. See an attorney ASAP and if it were me I would have her served. Sometimes you have to risk losing the M to have any chance of saving it. Her drug use is very concerning given that you have small children. Make sure you document all of her time away from the children and all of her drug use. Your children rely on you to protect them. You may be able to use her drug habit to get full custody in a D procedure.

Firm and fast action is required here. Do not sit around. Take action. From her behavior she is gone. Take care of yourself. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 8:52 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

Moe76 posted 12/22/2019 08:51 AM

I have a very specific genetic characteristic in my bloodline. Lol... I know the children are mine. Im moving on regardless. There's a behavioral dignity in a marriage that a wife and husband should keep... Even sleeping over someone's house of the opposite sex as a platonic situation is not something I'm prepared to be ok with as a husband. I just want to be sure I'm making the right decision. And no...I don't actually believe it. I want to... Because it's easier on my ego. But no...I can't muster the energy to buy it. Thanks guys.

BrokenReader posted 12/22/2019 09:30 AM

As someone who is very familiar with questioning what is right in front of you.

You know she cheated. Never be blind to what she's doing by love. Trust me... it hurts more knowing you should have seen it sooner.

Walkingthewire posted 12/22/2019 09:43 AM

Always trust your gut. You know what happened and has been happening.

Marauder posted 12/22/2019 09:45 AM

Moe, just remember. This isn't a court of law. Here you are judge, jury, and executioner. As soon as things are "proven" to your own satisfaction you can act however you want.

Marz posted 12/22/2019 09:57 AM

You're in denial. That's not gonna help you.

When in denial you'll want to believe the lies so you don't have to do anything.

The1stWife posted 12/22/2019 09:59 AM

Iím so sorry for you and your children. Sheís an addict who is continuing to be an addict while trying to control you and her marriage so she has $ to cheat and live the single life while still being married.

Sheís a liar. You know that.

After that itís all a crapshoot. She stayed at some guyís house. Thatís cheating. Sex or no sex- itís an investment of time and emotions with someone who is not YOU!!

She needs rehab and professional help to test her addiction. Then she needs help to stay clean and/or sober.

Only then can you address the marriage situation IMO.

Right now you are not dealing with a person making rational decisions. The drugs are controlling her choices.

Protect yourself. Protect your children. First.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:00 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

TimSC posted 12/22/2019 10:05 AM

Do not be blinded by your feelings for her.

She admitted to meeting another man to her girlfriends. That means she has a romantic interest in this other guy.

The affair seems to have been going on for at least a couple of months - and yes- she is having sex with him. She may even love him.

Time for you to protect yourself and your kids.

Cooley2here posted 12/22/2019 18:47 PM

Moe, he might be her supplier. Regardless, she has let another man and drugs be more important than you and her family. You have been there so you know that only she can kick her habit. She is chin deep in a life that might go down the toilet.

Protect yourself, your kids and your sobriety. Move on. As tragic as this is you have to be the stable, safe parent.

Good luck.

paboy posted 12/22/2019 18:50 PM

Unfortunately, this whole thing has been a setup. Her moving to her mum's has been a ruse so that she can pursue this other man.

You really have little to work with. She is out of the house, so any boundaries or consequences are severly limited.

Your only recourse really is Divorce, and show by living a better life, consequences of what she has missed out on.

Her in your back mirror...

Moe76 posted 12/22/2019 20:58 PM

I welcome more insight. I agree with everyone on here so far. Thanks for the words guys. Just the spending the night platonic or not.. Which I don't believe it was... There's a dignity in actions as a married woman or man that must be upeld out of respect for the other person... This is grounds enough in my opinion.

Thanks everyone. Keep ya posted.

anoldlion posted 12/22/2019 21:57 PM

Cheaters lie. Addicts lie probably more than cheaters. You have a combination. You already know what is happening. Time to protect yourself and your children and you can't do that trusting her. Ask yourself how is she paying for her drugs. Do what you already know what you must do. I wish you well.

[This message edited by anoldlion at 1:33 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]

fooled13years posted 12/23/2019 09:26 AM

Moe76, you stated

Long story long she then decided to get clean. After doing so she said she needed to get out of the house cuz she couldn't do it there. Says I wasn't supporting her only to find out she wasn't actually coming off of what she told me. Total lie about the severity of her habit. She moved in with get Mom

Sounds to me that she moved in with her mom not to get clean but to continue and escalate her behaviors without the responsibilities of being a mother and a wife.

Moe76 posted 12/23/2019 09:30 AM

Ifooled13years dead nuts... That's exactly right. After being a stay-at-home mom for 18 years she wanted her chance to go out and party... As if I had that chance.

sisoon posted 12/23/2019 11:20 AM

Isn't her addiction a bigger problem than her sex life?

If she's on drugs, her boundaries are compromised. o drugs, probably no illicit sex.

If she won't get off drugs, what else do you need?

KingofNothing posted 12/23/2019 15:59 PM

Yikes! Moe! 100% What sisoon said. I'm way more worried about your child being in her care than her infidelity. She needs to get clean.. and we know that's problematic at best. I'm sure this is sad but she pushed the detonator herself. You sure didn't. It would not be the first marriage to die because someone was using. I'm so sorry, man.

tushnurse posted 12/23/2019 17:33 PM

I'm with Sisoon here!!!
Your wife is actively using drugs and caring fornyour kids. This is NOT OK. You need to figure out what is more important your childrens safety should be the new one priority.
Too stoned to drive means too stoned to take care of her children. Until she is clean and can test clean for 6 months she should NOT be allowed to have her kids unsupervised.
Period.

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