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38 year lie after reconciled. one infidelity 2 affairs

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nekonamida posted 12/26/2019 08:16 AM

Nolife, every single one of us has experienced infidelity first hand. While some of us are still weathering the storm, a lot of us are firmly on the other side of it whether that's R or D. So yes, many of us DO know how to get through this and it is completely at odds with what your WH is telling you to do. He wants you to accept blame in a situation where you are not to blame, take responsibility for something only he has full control over - his emotions, and rugsweep this. That is not R. That is a long, painful road to a new DDay and probably D.

Now the blame shifting he told me a few minutes ago on the way home from his doctors appointment that Iím 100% responsible for how I made him feel. So he wants me to be responsible for his blame shifting that he says is what was in his heart that contributed to him being able to have the affairs is the way I understand it. Does that make sense?

So according to your WH - you make him feel bad so he HAS to cheat. Do you realize he just told you that he will keep cheating? R is hard. In R he MUST feel bad. Because he did this. He broke this. And he has to take 100% responsibility for choosing a cowardly way of dealing with negative emotions by cheating instead of working on the marriage with you. And then he chose the cowardly way of blaming you for his own choices. OF COURSE it feels bad. It should. And basically he's saying as long as he feels bad, he gets a hall pass to cheat and you just have to shut up, accept it, and hope you silence will convince him not to keep doing it.

Why do you accept this? Why don't you fight back and tell him if he doesn't like it he can leave? Because at it stands, you have nothing to lose and if you really think that sticking around while your WH keeps cheating every now and then when he wants to because he "feels bad" is any acceptable way to live, you need IC badly because NO ONE deserves that. But I'm guessing this isn't acceptable to you so if he blames you and refuses to R, only rugsweep, you're looking at a D in your future regardless of what you do today. That's because the key to R is in his hands. He can commit to R or not and if not, D is your likely outcome whether you want it or not. So when you confront him about the blameshifting, his lack of remorse, and how he'd rather yell at you about how he doesn't know how to R instead of spending 5 minutes Googling it, you don't have anything to lose. If you put it all out there - give him a list of what you expect and tell him you will take steps to leave if he does not do it - he MIGHT do it. And if you don't, he WON'T do it on his own.

The marriage is dead. You can either acknowledge that and take steps to make it official or he can work with you to build a new one. Limbo until he royally screws up again is no way to live.

LLXC posted 12/26/2019 16:23 PM

Now the blame shifting he told me a few minutes ago on the way home from his doctors appointment that Iím 100% responsible for how I made him feel. So he wants me to be responsible for his blame shifting that he says is what was in his heart that contributed to him being able to have the affairs is the way I understand it. Does that make sense

He thinks you are responsible for what he did. He wants you to feel responsible for what he did. Did he ever once ask you of his beliefs were warranted? Did he ask you if you remembered thongs as he did?

Did he talk to you about how he felt? His worries?

Both of you are responsible for the marriage. But he is 100% responsible for his actions. You may have made him feel like shit. I don't know. You don't know. But did he talk to you about it? Did he decode he couldn't take it and leave? No. He handled things in the way that was easiest for him, that involved no work and only pleasure for him. And he is still doing what is easiest for him.

Is he in agony? And how do you feel about that?

It took me years and years to accept that I'd been in love with someone who just didn't give a shit. He said the right thinvs but truly, he did not care. Your husband might be different from my ex. But right now he 100% cares more about himself than you. So now you need to decide what YOU want and need and if he cant give thst to you right now, stop engsging with him. If he loves you and is truky sorry he will cpme around and you can de ide if you want him back. If he doesnr care, then fine, you are out.

Nolife posted 12/27/2019 11:03 AM

Everyone of you were right! I asked him to write a timeline and take a polygraph and he agreed. when he started writing it he wrote some things that upset me. The reason they upset me is because I asked him prior if he talked about me with this woman or anything about our personal life. He told me no that he did not talk about us with this woman but then I found out that he did talk about us with her. He wrote it in the he timeline.
So I felt the need to go on his phone and lo and behold I found in his history where he was looking and asking how to beat a polygraph test..
I was devastated he said that he felt he would fail because I constantly tell him heís a lier. He said he pulled the videos up but didnít watch them. Donít make since I feel heís hiding something.

fooled13years posted 12/27/2019 11:57 AM

Nolife,
I have heard it said that "when one finds themselves in a hole they should stop digging."

Your WH is in a deep hole and just keeps digging.

I feel heís hiding something

I am afraid that you do not know a majority of the truth yet.

Prepare yourself as there is a lot yet to come.

He has followed the WS handbook to a T. Lying, denying, blame shifting, gas lighting, trickle truthing, rewriting marital history ect.

You cannot begin to heal until you have the entire truth and right now you do not have it.

Nolife posted 12/28/2019 09:22 AM

Fooled13years
I read my post and yours to him and heís furious! I want him to understand how I feel and how other people see his actions but he refuses to see anything anybody elseís way or how they feel he not taking responsibility for his actions and still lieing. He says he don't want his personal life spread all over the world to a bunch of people who have the same problems we got and all they want to do is judge you not help you.
I Told him that people are in different stages of what weíve been going through and there is no snap your fingers and fix it. Thereís not another couple on earth that I have found that has had a husband thatís got back together with her after separation and lied for 38 years either about an affair with the a social friend of herís. Maybe theyíve moved on divorced and maybe donít want to ever talk about it.
It makes me feel he just wants to shove everything under the rug he just thinks that thereís some quick fix if we just quit talking about it. my nightmares and triggers I should be able to control them he thinks. Iím not in control of those things. I wish I was God do I wish I was.
He thinks the therapist is going to give him a magic fix but he wonít spend money out of his pocket to go. when I told him all they do is talk to you about how your week is going to find out whatís happened. They tell you eventually that you have to decide if youíre gonna stay in the marriage or if youíre going to leave. they tell you that the spouse who has hurt you has to heal you.
I donít think heís capable of healing me. He so full of anger. When I have a trigger such as yesterday. Told him that he had trickle truthed me for seven months and now Iím triggering about new info he told me yesterday that he told her when she was lying to him about me. that I see the actual sexual affair I am talking to the end. It went from being about me to being about him and how he felt. That went on all day. Thatís awful things to me when heís mad.
We canít communicate at all. It goes from being very remorseful sorry crying to it being about him.

[This message edited by Nolife at 10:33 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]

LLXC posted 12/28/2019 12:47 PM

I donít think heís capable of healing me. He so full of anger.

No one's spouse can heal them. You heal you. But your spouse can make it easier for you to stay with them and heal. He is angry at you because you are upset at his actions. And he won't pay cor therapy. So money is more important than your unhappiness?

At the same time, why should he change? You are sad. He isnt. You ha e nightmares. He doesnt. Hd is married. He has what he wants, what he always wanted. Be is selfish and has no incentive to chanve.

NEWPERSON posted 12/29/2019 12:56 PM

@noLife

I am sorry your husband is invalidating your feelings, my husband did the same this whole year and still went on to cheat this December -a year later after I found out about the affair.

I am now certain more than ever that I have to leave the house with my kids and face a life without him.If he continues like this its only normal that you will feel like I do. You cannot hurt someone and expect them to heal overnight and you make them feel bad for wanting to talk about what you did-HE IS SELFISH and its only a matter of time you get tired.

I am done , hurt and sad but no longer angry as I realise some people are self -destructive and they expect you to do the work when they have messed-I no longer want to be part of that circus-its painful to wait for someone to take responsibility and own up to their wrongs and they never do.

i wish you the best but where I am I walked this road the whole of 2019 and guess what I got another DD(Lost count) which consisted ofhim going away for 7 days with another mans wife .I am done !

Robert22205https posted 12/30/2019 12:39 PM

Everything he says is him refusing to take responsibility for his bad choices.

He's very immature.

Move forward with the timeline and polygraph test.

His own bad behavior and lies have placed him in a position where only a polygraph test is his best chance to save his marriage. The test may not be foolproof but he brought it on himself.

Robert22205https posted 12/30/2019 12:40 PM

Duplicate

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 12:40 PM, December 30th (Monday)]

Nolife posted 12/31/2019 12:19 PM

How do it get my husband to understand after Two years of him not coming clean and what I saw the night that I came into the living room seeing him and my sister in-law being on the loveseat with his left hand holding the cover up and right one under the covers. Him denying any wrong doing,rug sweeping eventually caused me to him to leave him from the pain and suffering I was dealing with. Plus the fact I had to stop talking about the infidelity because of our small son was being driven crazy with the arguing and I wasnít getting anywhere with him) and I just dealt with it In private on my own until I couldn't.

When I Left too years later told him I didnít know if I loved him and I wanted to be free right now. I needed to breathe. we were separated 3 months (thatís when he sleep with my social friend and lied about it when we got back together for 38 years).

We didnít talk about the sister in-law at all during the separation and it never came up till he came clean May 2019 about him lying for 38 years about the First affair while we were separated. Then it came rushing back with a vengeance he did this again to me and lied again. He never told the truth about the infidelity with the sister in-law. He finally did come clean Oct 2019!

He is saying that because we didnít talk about the infidelity when we separated I lied to him about why we separated.

I said no you were a negligent husband you should have come clean, been transparent when it happened, complete Honesty and not have punished your wife for 40 years. To make me feel unwanted, not desired and all the other crap for the first two years and rug sweeping, acting like that was something I could get over with no answers just donít talk about it and he did nothing wrong. No way to heal no help.

So when we decided to get back together I decided I would have to try to continue to work on it. God I loved him through thick and thin.
So fast forward he had an infidelity 40 year ago, an affair while separated at 38th year and he lied about it for 38 years. He had an affair at the 32nd year to but came clean Only because he brought something home.
I donít understand how heís coming up with this. How can he blame me!

[This message edited by Nolife at 7:01 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)]

NEWPERSON posted 1/1/2020 04:10 AM

He is shifting the blame, as long as he does this then there is not much hope for proper reconciliation.I know this because my husband is exactly in that mindset. You must decide what you want for yourself and unfortunately that decision is your and yours alone. If you look to him for this you will be disappointed countless time as you have no control over him

Nolife posted 1/4/2020 00:12 AM

Ws went to therapy with me yesterday! Therapist told him that if he had told the truth about what happened between him and the sister inlaw When it happened and he was caught. I wouldnít have had to deal with my pain alone and left him two years later. She also told him I wasnít the lier that fell on him for the 40 years of not telling me the truth. He seems excepting of what she told him and is remorseful and is showing empathy and love towards me for now.
Next week we move to affair at 38 th year he lied About till may 2019 and 32 Nd year affair.
Keeping my fingers crossed for progress.

Nolife posted 1/5/2020 18:09 PM

Well today seems weíre having issues with another thing from the past. When we weíre separated I came by to collect child the support which was very minimal back in the day because I wasnít trying to drain my husband. One of his friends was there hanging out.
I was in good mood and asked what are yíall doing. His friend went off and was so nasty and wasnít joking. He said weíre going out tonite to find some women and planning on having a fuckin good time then went on to tell me how I wasnít his friend all the while my husbands sitting there like a Cheshire Cat. I was hurt, mad thought my husband would defend me tell him to stop. I am the mother of his child and He wanted to get back together I thought. I saw he wasnít going to defend me and I blurted out well donít think I will do with out. I was so upset and it was out of character for my husband. Then a Week later he did who the lucky guy when I was dressed up to go out with girl friends why would he be like tht just ask.

Hes telling me today I thought you were sleeping with a bunch of men. I didnít date anyone and he know that.
I told him I felt that because you didnít jump to stop your friend from saying what he said and trying to hurt me.
Am I wrong to think his friend was inappropriate and shouldnít be aloud to Talk to me like that and my husband should have stopped the attack?

[This message edited by Nolife at 6:12 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

NEWPERSON posted 1/6/2020 12:08 PM

This is all gaslighting ,trying to divert the issue at hand.....Why are you the issue now when you have never cheated?

Do not play his game.....

Nolife posted 1/10/2020 04:11 AM

I agree! Today it dawned on me with new Dday of Dec 5th that he lied about more crap when weíre apart. I confronted him he still is denying things.

nekonamida posted 1/10/2020 07:27 AM

Nolife, you have to understand that the man you have in front of you is not the man that you married or hoped him to be. He is a liar who is still lying. He blames everyone but himself. He refuses to listen when it doesn't benefit him. NO ONE can convince him of anything and honestly, I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you about him suddenly accepting blame in your therapist's office. It sounds more like a show he put on to get you to back off of some of your other requests (full timeline, polygraph, etc.) than a real breakthrough.

Remorse is not just your WH feeling bad and accepting he was in the wrong about what happened. It's about doing everything he can to help you heal and to fix himself. If he won't go to IC, he's not remorseful. If he's still lying, he's protecting himself over you and not remorseful. As long as at least one of those two things is true, he is and will always be regretful but not remorseful. At the end of the day, healing is your responsibility but healing will be nearly impossible if your WH keeps giving you TT and attitude. Each new lie uncovered sets you back to square 1.

Decide what you need from him to heal and stick to your guns. If that's a timeline and polygraph, don't accept anything less. If that's IC, it doesn't matter what he thinks about the cost. He has to go or you walk. Don't accept him SAYING the right things when he's still lying to you even today. Only accept him DOING what you need him to do. And don't accept him blaming you for ANYTHING. It's ridiculous that he set you up to take the blame of him failing a polygraph by saying you calling him a liar would make him fail. No, BEING a liar will make him fail. Stop entertaining such crap from him. Shut it down and stand up for yourself. Check out the 180 in the Healing Library too and follow it. Start getting your power back.

NEWPERSON posted 1/10/2020 09:06 AM

Nekonamida

You have said it very well, the man is playing mind games and he will continue if he thinks he can get away with it.

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