SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Married 45 years. 40Th year 1st infidelity was with sister n law I think it was touching not intercourses. But still cheating in my book. Really it no difference to me it all hurts the same. It take your life and feeling away. 38th year was affair, another affair was 32 Nd year. Found about the first actual sex intercourses affair May 18, 2019. He lied about that one while I was going through second Intercourses affair. He came clean about the second that’s when he brought something back.

I finally had the last Dday he cleared up a bunch of lies he had been telling me for six months making it my fault and all about how it happen and when and circumstances leading up to it. I left him 2 years after first infidelity because he didn’t admit wrong doing he was caught with sister in-law in my home after I woke up. He also said she came onto him asked him to make love to her.

So after three months separation we decided to get back together I asked if he sleep with anyone he lied to me about sleeping with someone for 38 years. He told me it happen after we talked about divorce no it happened in the beginning.

The new story as of May 5th 2019. A personal friend of both of ours came to town he wanted to see me. So he said he was happy and having a good time with him and was hoping to get some time to spend with me over coffee that night. So they ventured to find me. Went by my house, a restaurant Then a lounge that we frequentled it was closing time when they got in. he said she came up to him. I concidered her a friend and he knew that. He asked her if she had seen me. She said yes that I had left a little bit ago. My husband said this woman told him that I told her he couldn’t satisfy me. He said her friend collaborated it. What a lier I never spoke my personal life to her. That’s crazy!! We weren’t that type of friend just social as a matter what f face my dearest friend dint know my personal life who was with me every time I was there.. So she asked him and our friend if they would like to come to her condo with her and her female friend for drinks. He said our friend said yes! Why didn’t he say no? He knew what was gonna happen. So they go to her house my husband goes in our friend waits in the car for the other girl to arrive. Our friend falls asleep in the car waiting on the other woman. So when she arrives she decides not to wake him tells them and she leaves. So my husband said she left he got up to leave and she kissed him. They went to bedroom he couldn’t get off and neither did she he said she was big and all he could do was thing about me. I felt that was a lie or he wouldn’t have a hard on. She asked him if he wanted to stop he said yes. He said he cleaned up took our friend to his car at his mothers and got on his bike and began to look for me! He said he went by a restaurant and my house Why?

I’m hurt, Devastated he Imprisoned me for 38 years, Lied to me took my choice, my life. Tainted everything good the birth of my child all my thoughts my dreams are gone left with pain.

How can someone tell you they were looking forward to finding you spending time drinking coffee then be in bed with my friend in 1 1/2 hour screwing her..

I can’t get over it I feel he never loved me. He gets furious when I tell him theres no way you can say those things and hope to spend time with me having coffee and be in a bed within hours with a friend of mine and say you still love me or you loved me. If that is love it’s sick!! How can he believe that crap she said if she said it in which I find it hard to believe.. My therapist says he’s lying about what the women said. I can’t touch him now I want to throw up. I love him but it hurts to look at him. My opinion is. He took advantage of a drunk at 40th year, he sleep with a old women who evidently was jealous of me to say I said he couldn’t satisfy me. He spent the weekend and sleep with 21 year old homeless girl who he got something from said he couldn’t get it hard.

Update he’s now trying to use our separation against me about how he felt! That Thats how he was capable of the second affair. He did this the last 7 months before the new info came out on Dec 5th about first affair. He has lied for seven months. Then the first infidelity he didn’t care how I felt about catching him and the sister in law he denied he did anything wrong until Oct 2019 and then he said admittedly that he was Wrong for sitting and patting her butt that was 40 years ago. He got caught on the love seat with her laying down covers pulled up with left hand and right hand under covers. I was the faithful wife waiting on her husband to come to bed and awoke to this. I told him he shouldn’t have lied about the sister in-law

And I would have felt all the horrible things that caused me to leave him. I had no closure just punishment for 40 years.

Now we’re dealing with the second one and I refuse to listen to how he felt for another minute, month or year.

Therapist said he has brought all this on us with life long lies. His thoughts and assumptions and his senerios creativity in his mind of what I was doing and who I might be doing it with while we were separated and his choices brought this on himself and us with his lies and taking my life, my choices and trying to punish me with his thoughts going through his his head during our separation and continuing my entire life 38 years every argument. She told me not to listen to one word about what he thought that that’s a new boundary that has to be set that he’s punished me enough with his affairs and and repeatedly telling me I have to except that because I decide to have friends go places do things leave him. This is why it happened poor him. All about it being about him and his excuse for what he’s done. How can I love someone who is so cruel who made me suffer with his passive aggressive behavior? Any and all advice would help.

Update We had planned a tripped with a son I didn’t want to go because it was day after last Dday. He keep saying he thought it would be good for us. Well a lady backed into him with a truck hes ok just beat up it scard me To death and yes it Could’ve been worse and yes things run through my head but I can just stuff another affair away and punish myself again like the first and third. I suffered greatly by myself n my heart and soul because regardless I love him.

He said he saw the white light and he was in severe pain and all he could think of was never seeing me again or holding me and how he was leaving me with no closure because I requested he find the 38 year affair women. I need to hear why she lied and what happened. Yes I know she can lie and I’m prepared for it.

The next day he’s right back to the I did this because of how I felt Bull crap. I told him he causes my trigger and dreams with trying to blame me for his crap and theres nothing on earth that makes me responsible for his creating those feeling for what he did period. He needs to own It. I don’t think this will ever happen. He to selfish!!!

I don’t feel guilty for leaving him. He says I should have told him why I left he should have known. He says I lied! Bull excuse!!!! There’s no excuse!!! When I told him the night him and Sister in law happened that I couldn’t forgive him or forget what he did to me or what he took from me. Just because I stopped talking after months of arguing didn’t mean it was over and ok to lie and not take responsibility for what you done. So yes after 2 years of suffering I deserved friends, going partying, hanging out with people not a lying cheating neglectful husband. I didn’t do anything wrong. Its sad that he blames me for his pain for me leaving him or anything prior, it’s sad that he’s pained by all that’s happened and it hurts that he thinks that the senerios in his head were real and I set out to hurt him. I feel he did this us with his jeliousy and creativity in his mind. I’m not perfect and I’ve said things when he or his friend Tried to hurt me. I hurt Too because he hurts but I didn’t do this he did. How can I ever forgive him and stop my pain. The trigger, nightmares he can’t see what he doing to me with the I felt it puts a wall up and blocks me from healing or ever moving forward. I never did anything to hurt him I just wanted to a normal.

[This message edited by Nolife at 7:18 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

Bump

Hi, no life, I read a couple of your other posts, I hope you finally understand that your husband has shown you repeatedly who he is, are you ready to believe him now?

Are you separated?

Are you able to support yourself financially?

You cannot trust him, honestly, you love the man he WAS not the man he IS today.

He's an unremorseful, serial cheater. He's blameshifting and gaslighting. Don't fall for it!

Are you living with him, or separated? You left before. You can leave again. Do it.

As you have realized, there's something seriously wrong with a person who can say they were out looking for their love, you, and fell into bed with someone else along the way. That's so ridiculous.

Thank you for commenting! Yes We’re still living together. No there’s no physical contactI I was here when he figured out who owned the white car he keep saying part of the night was missing. That’s when all of a sudden he said he remembered the whole story. That’s when he told me about our friend wanting to see me..

I’m still trying to decifer how one minute he wants to find me me and spend sometime together over coffee and the next the girl is telling him lies that don’t make since and he’s screwing her. I wished a Ws could comment and give advice.

I’m still trying to decifer how one minute he wants to find me me and spend sometime together over coffee and the next the girl is telling him lies that don’t make since and he’s screwing her

You're not going to be able to figure it out. It doesn't make sense. Either, he's lying, and was never looking for you, or he got distracted by a squirrel. Either way, it's bullshit.

The fact is that he screwed another woman.

Your right! And he lied about he affair for 38 years. I know I’m never gonna get the answers that make since when it don’t make since to start with. He goes crazy and gets really pissed when I tell him there’s noway in hell someone can tell you that they always loved you and do and say what he did. I don’t think he thinks like other people. What I mean is he didn’t think playing under covers was wrong. He seriously wanted me to believe he felt sorry for her because her old man abused her and she come to our house. I said Put yourself in my shoes. You would kick me out no one would put up with what I have over the years.

[This message edited by Nolife at 4:23 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

Nolife

First off, I'm so sorry you have a reason to be here. But you've come to a good place.

You are understandably incredibly emotional, so try to take some deep breaths. Stress is really hard on your mind, body and soul.

I remember reading your story when you first posted, and my bullshit meter went WAY up when you talked about the under-the-covers incident with your SIL. I'm glad you were able to get at least a little clarity on that situation by talking to the SIL, as much as it is painful to hear. I'm sure it was made all the more painful by the fact that your husband would not come clean about it in the first place.

I totally get the impulse to try to understand your husband's way of thinking. We as humans tend to project our own thoughts/feelings onto others. Which is why I also completely understand why you think that he just must not have thought these things were wrong (like the being under the covers with your SIL incident). You yourself know that to be wrong, so you can't possibly understand why anyone would do that thing, unless for some reason, they just did not know it was wrong.

However, I will tell you something my therapist told me when I was going down a similar line of questioning. I was concerned about similar things - how could someone do something which is so obviously wrong? He must have some kind of disorder that prevents him from knowing right vs. wrong, I thought to myself. That must be the reason why the loving person I thought I knew was able to turn into such a monster.

My therapist said: Look, if he didn't know it was wrong, he would not have had to lie about it. The good news is, that means you didn't marry a psychopath. The bad news is, you married a huge asshole.

Now that's overly simplified, as psychopaths and sociopaths have no or very little sense of right v. wrong, and yet they still lie all the time, put simply, to avoid negative consequences.

But the point is, those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You've known all along that his stories were bullshit. He even knows they are bullshit. He lies about it to protect himself from the very real consequences he might face if you were to know the full truth.

He then tries to use your separation as a reason he felt unloved, and therefore deserved to sleep with someone else? Fuck that noise. To paraphrase another poster here, there has to be something profoundly fucked up in a person's brain for them to think that someone else's genitals is going to fix their own emotional problem.

Therapist said he has brought all this on us with life long lies. His thoughts and assumptions and his senerios creativity in his mind of what I was doing and who I might be doing it with while we were separated and his choices brought this on himself and us with his lies and taking my life, my choices and trying to punish me with his thoughts going through his his head during our separation and continuing my entire life 38 years every argument.

Your therapist is spot on. Many call this "stinking thinking." You could also call it "catastrophizing," or "disordered thinking" or any number of things. I like to call it what it is - the bullshit excuses he told himself to justify the choices he made to do what he wanted to do. Because unless there was a gun to his head, it was a choice. Full stop.

it hurts that he thinks that the senerios in his head were real and I set out to hurt him. I feel he did this us with his jeliousy and creativity in his mind.

Many of us betrayed spouses have heard similar sentiments. That they thought we didn't love them, and that's why they did what they did. But again, it is very easy to poke holes in that argument, because of course, if you thought I didn't love you, why wouldn't you just divorce me? Why wouldn't you talk to me about it? Why would you instead choose to go behind my back and lie about it? If what you really wanted was for me to love you, did you seriously think that sticking your penis where it doesn't belong was going to make that happen? Any person capable of rational thought knows that this isn't the answer.

He has lied to you for 38 years. Not just to you, but to himself too. Because that's what justifications are really, they are the lies you tell yourself to make the very wrong thing you did feel acceptable. They begin to believe their own lies, because it's the only thing that takes away the pain of that shame. 38 years. That is not just a habit, it is a way of life. I agree with annb, he has shown you who he is, are you ready to believe him?

I hear and know everything your saying is true its been 32 years since the last affair but to lie to me when we got back together after the first infidelity then to lie about the first affair for 38 years and then tell me about the affair after he got a guilty conscience. I’m 62 and I’m not the girl I was then so I feel awful when I look in the mirror. I don’t have any self esteem or self worth. I just hurt constantly because he keep Brainshifting me.

Seven months of trickle truths has about killed me. I still have times that I want to die because the painful triggers and horrible nightmares all night are debilitating.

I will say he has been there cried and begged me to not leave him but He said if that will take the pain and suffering he has he understands but he also has threaten his life. He said he had no idea how bad it would be for me and he would die if it would take my pain but now with this new info I can’t except it. Then to know in one breathe he can tell me all this happened in a matter of hours to flip flop it’s like mind blowing. I asked him earlier if he told his affair partner that he wanted to spend time with me that night for coffee deforestation he sleep with her. He said. I only told you that. I didn’t tell the friend or her. He don’t make any since at all. I’m like why not. He said I don’t know. I think I’m still pretty messed up with new DDay. I hope I can get my strength back.

[This message edited by Nolife at 8:38 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

I will say he has been there cried and begged me to not leave him but He said if that will take the pain and suffering he has he understands but he also has threaten his life

What is he doing to show you he is really sorry? What concrete steps is he taking? What do you need from him to show you he is truly sorry for what he did, not just upset because you are upset?

Also. What do you want? Do you want to remain married to him?

Btw. He slept with your sister I. Law? What? Your brothers wife? His brother's wife? In your home? And he says you should've told him why you separated? Does he also wonder why murderers go to jail?

I would not believe your husband about what your friend said about your satisfaction with him. But let's suppose your friend did say that to your husband. How is that any justification for what he did? Why not gasp talk to you about it?

Please take care of yourself. You have value, just by being you.

First let me say y’all are awesome! It’s nice to hear that I’m not crazy and the things that I feel are appropriate for what’s happened in my life. Now if you all could just tell me how to get over it how to deal with it how how to make it all go away then that would be an accomplishment in itself. We all know that’s not gonna happen anytime soon no matter which direction I take I’m going to be in misery pretty much for the rest of my life.

Right now I would be happy if I could just get to a point where I’m not triggered all day and nightmares all night so that I could just get a little sleep in a little piece. I think I would be able to think a little clearer.

I wish we could sit down and read these post together and him be able to see and understand what you Bs and Ws spouses see about what he’s done but he’s not there yet.

I went back in my story and I was a little more specific on sister in law. I don’t want to give wrong impression m. When I woke up came to the door he was fondling not intercourses at that point. Sitting on love seat left hand holding cover right hand undercovers. He did tell me latter that she had told him she wanted him to make love to her. He said it wasn’t that night it was after that at another party but I don’t think he remembers which night it was it still don’t make anything any better with what he did to me. How he made me feel.

He told me last night that he’s getting off the group. I don’t know his username. I know he talks to me about what he told the group.

I did tell him that he shouldn’t trickle truth the group that he needs to put it out there let them give him answers and deal with what they telling Him he did wrong. Maybe they can give him good advice to help us.

I think he’s looking for people to validate his feelings at the time. That his feelings made it okay for him to do wrong.

He tells me constantly that I need to except that I made him feel a certain way that I have a responsibilities in what he felt that led to this.

I refuse to allow anything he put in his mind to give him the Right to to do what he did. That’s Never gonna happen

He says these people don’t know him how dare them judge him. They don’t know his feelings at the time he did what he did..

Blame shifting is his favorite thing to do to me and I can’t get that through his thick head. That he keeps me from moving forward in any direction. When you think you’re making a few steps he comes back with.

Well it’s what you made me feel at the time or that’s what I was feeling at the time because of what you were doing and saying. That’s what put me in my frame of mind to make it happen. Really!

When I decided to leave him because of Sister in-law incident I left 2 years latter I had thought I could live with it but it was eating me alive.

I was a stay at home mom I cooked, cleaned, wash dishes, took care of kids, cut grass, I scraped the house before it was painted. I shingled the roof . I did whatever was needed if he worked long hours.

I just never did anything or had any friends or outlets for dealing with sister-in-law infidelity. I still lIved in the house today we’re this happened..

When I was out running errands I ran into couple of friends I hadn’t seen in years and they invited me to go out and I asked him if he minded and he said no.

Well I believe the idea of me having friends and socializing became a problem Because before I stayed home cook clean wash dishes took care of kids cut grass. I just never did anything or had any friends. Mostly jealousy on his part of my friends going places with friends. It got to the point where when we were together I couldn’t go anywhere with him so I stopped doing anything with him.. he was mad all the time..

We make bad choices and mistakes there’s things that I’ve said that I regret I wish had never come out of my mouth at the time. Like one of his friends said things to me about them going out and looking for women And he was being ugly to me right in front of my Ws when we were separated and it hurt me and I jumped back and said well I’m not doing without an a horrible voice because I was so hurt and he just sitting there like a Cheshire cat not addressing his friend and his hurtful statements. Then latter on a week or so my husband approached me when he saw me and said who’s the lucky guy. Well again my mouth who’s says it one. I felt he was picking at me. I never went out with anyone in he three months we were separated he knew that.

He told me his post on the group started out questioning the 38 year affair and wanting to know what he can do to help me get through it. He said he’s being attacked by people that don’t know him. They don’t know what was going through his mind at the time that made him do this.

He feels I need to get off the group and he needs to get off the group and we need to quit listening to what all these people are saying they’re not therapist they don’t know what they are talking about they’re just venting on their problems. But my therapist and my MD are saying the same things to him that y’all are saying. There’s times he acts like he’s going crazy.. I think he doesn’t know how to except that his passive aggressiveness behavior is keeping him from moving forward and excepting his responsibilities to the point that he needs to stop blame shifting so that we both can move forward.

[This message edited by Nolife at 10:37 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

Sitting on love seat left hand holding cover right hand undercovers.

One hand under the covers? Lovely. To me, that is cheating. That's my opinion, which doesn't matter. Do you consider that cheating. And it sounds like he slept with her later, right?

He did tell me latter that she had told him she wanted him to make love to her

Why does he think that matters. IF she said that, why couldn't he say no?

I think he doesn’t know how to except that his passive aggressive Ness is keeping him from moving forward and excepting his responsibilities to the point that he stops blame shifting so that we both can move forward.

I don't think you can expect him to help you move forward. You move forward, and he will or he won't. I don't think you can do expect anything from him right now, especially as he is blaming you for his decisions. It sounds like maybe he wanted your whole world to revolve around him and when you started having your own interests, he became resentful and used that to justify his cheating. He really needs to grow up and learn to take responsibility.

You are only responsible for your own actions. That is it. YOU may have contributed to an unhealthy marital dynamic. But nothing you did made him chest. He could've talked to you. He could've dovorced

I don’t feel I contributed to the affair buy defending my heart when his smart ass friend talked about going out and finding some women to have fun with that night while my husband sit there not opening his mouth. I had asked what they were up too?

It was a protection mode to protect my heart when he said that. I was hurt and angry that my husband did nothing to stop him.

This is were he is Blame shifting I feel if I’m wrong in my understanding please tell me.

He’s using my response to his friend ( going out to find some women to have fun with) (my responce (don’t think I’m doing with out)

My husband asked about a week later when he saw me (Who’s the lucky guy tonight) My comments (who says it’s one!)

I felt he was trying to hurt me!

Another thing I feel is blame shifting.

When sister in-law happened we argued for months. I stop talking about it he would never admit wrongdoing . I had a child I had to think of. I cried in private for 2 years.

Blame shifting! He said when we split up I should have told told him it was about the sister-in-law. We could’ve done something! I’m like Right!

I felt what was the point he would never admit wrongdoing. He was the neglectful husband not there for me for two years.

He said you told me when you left you wanted to be single free to do what you wanted. He said that it couldn’t of been about the Sister in law or I would have brought up. Wrong!

I think this would classifies as Blame shifting. Right?

How can someone forget the love of your life telling you that she will never get over what you have done to her she will never forget it that you have destroyed her.

He said he never sleep with her that she asked him that at a party after this incident. His brother was at the party. He said he told her to go sleep with her husband.

I understand he hurts from the separation I understand he had hurt feelings before we split up but it was all brought on by the sister-in-law infidelity. Then the second affair that he lied about for 38 years. Then the one affair at the 32 Nd year while he was lieing bout the second. Then Seven months of hell trickle truth. Now the blame shifting he told me a few minutes ago on the way home from his doctors appointment that I’m 100% responsible for how I made him feel. So he wants me to be responsible for his blame shifting that he says is what was in his heart that contributed to him being able to have the affairs is the way I understand it. Does that make sense? I just can’t deal with the blame shifting am I wrong for feeling like he is in someway trying to make me responsible by Him saying that? I’m just trying to understand because I feel like he’s saying I contributed to him doing what he did on the second affair. I don’t see it because how can you be looking for someone saying how you haven’t had any time with them in weeks in your want to sit down and spend time with them and in the next hour to be in bed with somebody. I just don’t get it.

[This message edited by Nolife at 2:40 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

My husband is asking me to ask y’all if you could please give him advice on what he can do to fix this. He says he swears he hasn’t done anything in 32 years but lie about the previous situations that are mentioned here. He says that’s all he wants to do is make everything right and live out the rest of our lives making up For his wrongdoing and hopefully we can survive and be happy.

NoLife,

Tell him you can recover from the most horrible truths, but you cannot recover when he is still lying, omitting and minimizing. So what can he do...

* write out a full and detailed timeline for his affairs.

* after doing so take a polygraph

* confess to the OWHs

* sign a post-nuptual agreement

* stop treating you like someone he doesn't respect enough to give the gift of honesty

* considering the extraordinary pain he has caused you the least he can do is those things.

NoLife,

Just read in more detail...oh my God...

He took advantage of a drunk at 40th year,

Nice guy.

he sleep with a old women

He spent the weekend and sleep with 21 year old homeless girl who he got something from said he couldn’t get it hard.

He sounds like he takes advantage of vulnerable and unfortunate women. Does he exploit people in normal life like rip off people or habitually lie or exaggerate his achievements?

His anger is a strong sign that he is hiding the truth.

My husband is asking me to ask y’all if you could please give him advice on what he can do to fix this

I think the better question is this. Do you believe he can fix this? What do YOU need from him to feel safe with him? But more importantly. Do you want to stay married to this man? If so, why? If not, why not? And then, if he does everything you want, do you want to stay with him?

I dont understand why he is asking you to ask this forum how to fix things. Why isnt he asking you what you need? Why isnt he asking the forum himself?

Is he asking you if you want to stay married to him?

Christmas is killing me! When you lost 4 decade of Christmas memories and tainted memories to lies and having issues our life taken. God I hope and pray the rest of you had a better day then me.

[This message edited by Nolife at 5:07 PM, December 25th (Wednesday)]

LLNC

First of all I don’t think any of us would be here if we knew how to fix us after infidelity and affairs. I know that being lied to when we got back together for 38 years is far worse then the second affair or the infidelity he had.

Feeling like this women was in his thoughts for minute for 38 years drives me crazy it took him from me my children.

Does that sound crazy? To lie or keep hidden for guilt, Shame or if it was fear of me leaving is ridiculous I haven’t moved forward at all. I’m distraught with grief and in knowing he could actually lie for 4 decades and profess love for all those years just floors me. Then there’s the fact that there seems to not be another Ws on earth who had a similar situation to ours to ask one question to help me understand how he could or did what he did.

This is a man who that I would have never in my wildest dreams think he could do what he did.

Do I think he will do it again! No? He hasn’t in 32 years but that doesn’t diminish lieing for 38 years after we got back together and tells may 2019.

I just can’t get past ithe pain of my life being gone the memories all screwed up . Feeling the psycho affair still existed in his mind.

He says she was not a part of our life. He says I was afraid you would leave. I was ashamed and had guilt. How n his name do I get past the pain ,hurt and despair.

First of all I don’t think any of us would be here if we knew how to fix us after infidelity and affairs

I asked you why your husband isn't on here asking what he can do tp help you. He fucked up. Not you.

Also. I actually do think most of us know exactly what to do to heal, we are just afraid of the answer.

But most cheaters do not know what to do, and it is not up to thwir spouse to find the answers. Your husband should be on here asking for help.

You are on here posting, clearly in immense pain, because your husband behaved abhorrently. How is your husband behaving? Is he behaving as though he is truly sorry for what he did? He had 38 years to be sorry. Is he showing it to you? Is he sharing in the pain his actions caused you?