layla1234 posted 11/20/2019 12:37 PM

Side note, can I ask more about the class? Do you take it with your BH? I've been wanting to do one with my WH as most of his anger is directed towards the act of parenting itself and its frustrations. I'm a teacher so I understand children on a completely different level than he does. I'd like him to be educated on how they learn, cope, etc.

gmc94 posted 11/20/2019 12:42 PM

HO - I agree.
What is "mitigating" is the actual work and growth that is done by the WS. THAT'S where the healing occurs (including the ways in which WS' growth can help in the BS' healing).

The simple existence of FOO/childhood trauma is not - in and of itself - "mitigating". And for the BS whose WS does not do the work, there is nothing mitigating about the WS' past trauma.

I have never been a fan of the slippery slope argument. But a dday and coping with a WH has kind of changed my tune when it comes to matters of the mental states. So when I get that icky feeling, I feel somewhat compelled to call it out.

hikingout posted 11/20/2019 12:48 PM

No worries, I saw no issue with your post. I just thought I saw a gap there I could bridge. I really didn't disagree with the premise of your post at all. I just felt like I could see where the mitigation occurs.

The hard part over in the WS forum is sometimes we are talking about one aspect of the work. And with FOO, that is kind of the starting foundation of that work. I think it should always come along or shortly after we have our whys. It does partially explain how you come to be the person who had the affair, but I it's just one component of the journey as a whole.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/20/2019 12:50 PM

Layla, I'm a teacher too, firsties over here. No, he is not taking it with me. We are separated and NC. I chose to take this class because I needed help with dealing with her behavior. Even as a teacher, it's hard for me. I learned to give choices. He did not like that. It left me being a doormat to her. I googled local ones, and the only one was through Children and Family Services. They have one for each age level. It was interesting because basically what we have learned on children, they taught, and are the same things that BH and I differed on.

Pippin posted 11/20/2019 13:57 PM

LD and Layla, the RULER program for social emotional development is an approach used in many schools (2000? Though some of them buy the curriculum and don’t actually implement) and they just came out with a book aimed at parents (Permission to Feel) that might help your husband. It’s a practical technique for emotional regulation in kids and it works for adults too. It comes out of the Yale center for social emotional dec.

Justsomelady posted 11/20/2019 14:34 PM

Trauma etc. definitely doesn’t mitigate impact on the BS but it does in my opinion mitigate something for the WS, without absolving or excusing or excluding them from accountability.