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Surreal, but so much to take from this..

ChanceAtLife35 posted 11/12/2019 15:59 PM

My boss passed away this morning. I am a complete emotional mess. We don't know the exact details of the cause of her death as her husband is very private about the specifics of what led to her death, but my mind is racing about what her last days were like. They must have been very painful. I noticed she seemed "off" early in the year but I thought it was stress from the job. Then she started missing work at least once a week for every kind of reason there is. At one point prior to all of these events, she opened up to me about her experience with depression and how she is taking medication for her chemical imbalance. I became even more concerned when she started missing more work and her colleagues were becoming frustrated about it. I felt so bad and stepped up to help her out so they would get off her back. It only got worse. This continued for several months until it got so bad that here boss put her on a plan to improve her work performance or consequences would be put in place.

I was worried at that point, and with everything going on at home and on top of this, I had to remove myself to keep from breaking down. I know what mental health issues could cause a person to go through to an extent as I can relate, so I was hoping she wouldn't put herself in a dangerous position. At the beginning of October, she took a two week vacation. I was relieved to hear the news and thought that this could help her regroup and get back on track. It was the complete opposite as she didn't have a good time at all. October 29th was the last time I saw her. She had a mental breakdown and walked out of her office without even telling us except for a co-worker who tried to comfort her. My heart sanked and I knew that wasn't a good sign. The following Monday I received a voicemail from her husband that she "had a bad accident" and she suffered severe injuries and was placed in ICU. I ran to the building across the way so I could inform the head of the department and broke down. I have cried every day since and she has been in my dreams since last night. My heart is heavy and all I keep thinking about is the "What If's." I spoke to a grievance counselor yesterday and she told me to write her a letter for closure. Today everyone found out and are all in shock asking questions by the second. This sucks. This really sucks. She didn't deserve to leave like this. She was my friend and someone who had the biggest heart treating her team like family.

I have been reading on here off and on, but I couldn't get my mind to respond. So many things I related to. My boss kept fighting for her life and mental sanity until it took a toll on her. I literally watched her fall a part slowly in front of my eyes until her abrupt passing. She was still trying to pull the department together even when she couldn't formulate a sentence. Mental health issues don't get the REAL attention it deserves. My heart goes out to her husband, two kids, and her elderly mother that she took care of daily.

My heart and prayers go out to those who are suffering from a mental illness. I hope you are getting the support you need. Sorry for any typos

[This message edited by ChanceAtLife35 at 4:06 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

Zugzwang posted 11/12/2019 16:04 PM

Your post reminded me of a comment my wife made several weeks or months from Dday when she was really hurting. If she had been killed in an accident would I be able to live with myself knowing how much pain and torment I had put her through at the end of her life. How could I face our children knowing I had done that to their beautiful mother. yeah, I can still see her face and where she stood. What she was wearing. She looked so defeated.

Yeah, when death is involved and knowing the legacy we leave behind and inflict on others, there is much to learn and take away.

JBWD posted 11/12/2019 16:14 PM

So sorry to hear, CAL35.

Itís interesting how we find certain cycles here, it seems to me weíre somewhat in a season of loss on SI... It can be so devastating to have a teammate/leader who exemplifies what we admire, and then to lose them...

I hope the rest of the team grieves with you, and that her husband does alright as well.

BraveSirRobin posted 11/12/2019 16:34 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss, Chance. It is incredibly difficult to watch helplessly as someone you care about spirals down.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 11/12/2019 17:15 PM

What shocking news that must be for your department. Iím glad you were able to see a grievance councelor. My sympathies to you and all that knew her.

FoenixRising posted 11/12/2019 18:14 PM

Sending you love and light and all the positive vibes. Chin up... youíve got a life a LIVE.

ChanceAtLife35 posted 11/13/2019 18:48 PM

Thank you all for your support and condolences. I left work early today and will take the next few days to recover. @Zugz, i can definitely relate to the experience you had with your wife. My BW said very similar things to me post day. She was put in some dangerous situations that could have cost her life and i was being a selfish cheating ass not caring about her safety or what could have happened to her. Wow, just wow. I swear these experiences although painful or teaching me so many things and it's all in my face.

Lots of writing, self care, and processing over the next 4 days.

To all of you, our department is definitely taking this very hard and going through the grieving process. We are all very supportive and plan on doing something in honor of my boss.

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