"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Twinsmom posted 11/10/2019 08:40 AM

I need advice on how to get through my current situation. Long story short...I am 2.5 years past DD and 6 months past actual divorce. My ex lives with his AP and their 2.5 year old. About a year after my separation from my exWH, I started dating a guy that I had been friends with for years. I was very skeptical about this relationship because I didn't see him as more than a friend. He treated me amazing and gave me back so much of what I lost on DD. He is a very sweet and caring man and we became really close for almost a year. During that time, my divorce became final and we started talking about a future together. Out of the blue, at the end August he started to become depressed. His work was overwhelming and he was dealing with issues from his own divorce. We started to argue a little and decided we needed to take a step back so we could both work on ourselves. We have stayed in touch but not on a daily basis. Last Sunday, I came across a picture on social media of him with some friends of ours and he was with a new girl. I am devastated. I always thought we would spend some time apart and be ready to try again. This is not going to happen.

My belief that I will have a future with someone is shattered. I moved so slow in this relationship and tried to make sure it was right before I would allow myself to have any feelings and it still ended bad. I feel almost as blindsided as I did on dd. I don't know how to move on from here. I am paralyzed with the fear that I will end up alone forever.

The crazy part is I have way stronger feelings for him now that he is gone than I did when we were together. He was way more in to me than I was into him for the whole year we were together. I totally took him for granted and now I miss him like crazy. I know there is a lesson in here somewhere! I don't think I ever really dealt with my exWH leaving me so I am going to start counseling next week. Any other advice??

Marz posted 11/10/2019 12:00 PM

IC is a good start.

Sounds like you experienced a rebound.

Learn to be happy living alone (it has some great benefits)

At this time you are just wanting what you can't have. Not uncommon.

BearlyBreathing posted 11/10/2019 12:07 PM

IC does sound like a good idea. There was a reason you weren’t that in to him... but you liked the partnership, the being in a relationship. So it hurts that you no longer have that.

But it is unrelated to you being desirable or having a future. You will. Go to IC, explore this relationship. And then you will be able to mover forward.

Sorry you are hurting—

sewardak posted 11/11/2019 05:35 AM

Out of the blue, at the end August he started to become depressed. His work was overwhelming and he was dealing with issues from his own divorce. We started to argue a little and decided we needed to take a step back so we could both work on ourselves. We have stayed in touch but not on a daily basis. Last Sunday, I came across a picture on social media of him with some friends of ours and he was with a new girl

this seems red flag ish and I wonder if he was cheating on you then? If so, you dodged a bullet. I'm so sorry. I would feel the same way though.

Twinsmom posted 11/11/2019 18:16 PM

Thanks so much for your responses! I really appreciate your feedback.

I do not think he was cheating but after what I went through with my exWH anything is certainly possible. There is not much that surprises me anymore.

I just want to get over this and move on. I really thought this relationship was so much more than a rebound. However, I don't think I was ready to be in a real relationship and I think I took him for granted. I hope that IC will help and I can heal and learn how to live on my own and be happy. Maybe then I can really move on!

EvenKeel posted 11/12/2019 07:36 AM

Twinsmom - He is a coward. Instead of saying "this R is not working for me" and doing a clean break, tried to nice his way out of it.

I know there is a lesson in here somewhere!

That first heartbreak after a D is horrible! In some ways it was more painful to me than my actual D! I think because with the D; I knew it was over. But with that first R; I was blindsided (like you) and when you open up an old wound, it hurts like he77!

Lesson - each R makes you see what you do and DON'T want in a future partner. I know you miss this guy like crazy but really think about it. Do you want someone like this in your future? Someone that couldn't be honest enough to say "we are over"? Or the courtesy to let you know he was moving on?

I think IC is a great idea. You are very strong and you will get through this (promise ) but it totally sucks in the interim!!!!

Hugs

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 7:37 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

Twinsmom posted 11/12/2019 20:25 PM

Thanks EK - you really said exactly how I feel. This almost hurts worse than D-day which is absolutely ridiculous!! I was not in love with this man. We just got along great and he was a great companion and treated me like a queen. I totally took him for granted and thought he would always be around and he just changed his mind. Just like my ex did. It has made me feel like I won't be able to trust anyone in the future.

I am trying hard to see our relationship for what it was. He was someone who was a great source of strength for me during a horrible time in my life. He got me through the divorce and showed me how I want to be treated in the future by a partner (well except for the end!). I just was blinded side by him at the end and I can't stop feeling awful about it!

EvenKeel posted 11/13/2019 07:30 AM

This almost hurts worse than D-day which is absolutely ridiculous!!

Not at all. Your heart is very tender after all the D BS.

Don't feel like your emotions are over-reacting. I am way out from my first NB relationship but I remember that pain very well. Like you, that first R was with a guy I knew for years (over 25). I thought I could trust him to the end of time.

Ok - back to you Had you two ever discussed that you would NOT date others during your break?

It has made me feel like I won't be able to trust anyone in the future.

I had to remind myself constantly when I was in a NB to NOT judge new guy(s) by the actions of past guys/relationships. It was a very conscious effort (to myself) to make sure I was judging them by their actions. It took time but there are a lot of good folks out there. I know it doesn't feel like it when you are dating because there are a lot of duds too.

You keep with your plan. Keep working on your own healing. You are only six months out from your actual D so be kind to yourself (and your heart).

Believe it or not....that *guy that crushed me....I think was a VERY important lesson in my NB and healing. While I got burned bad, I do feel he played an important role in my healing. The fact that I was so hurt showed I really was not emotionally dead from the trauma of my M, etc.

You are a survivor!!!!
(Roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)
Go ahead - roar out loud!

*guy - The man changed his FB status to "In a Relationship" with SOMEONE else WHILE WE WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP!

PS - Do not be surprised if that guy comes sniffing back around in the future. Be prepared for that.

Twinsmom posted 11/13/2019 22:44 PM

EK - We did not discuss whether we would date others or not. We didn't really call it a break. He just said he needed to step back from our relationship. It came out of the blue. We were on the phone in the middle of a long discussion and he just said it. I asked him if he had called me that night to tell me that and he said no. We struggled for a couple weeks after that and then had a definite break up. That was the end of August. The best I can figure he has been seeing her since sometime around the first of October. We still text every once in awhile but it is very generic...like I hope you are doing good.

I am done with him. If he can move on that easy with someone else, then he didn't have true feelings for me like he said he did. This is someone who was saying he wanted to have a future with me. Say a prayer that I find a way to get him completely out of my mind and heart! Thanks so much for your support!!

HalfTime2017 posted 11/14/2019 15:15 PM

I dont know Twinsmom. This sounds like a child who doesn't really care about a toy all that much, until that toy gets picked up by someone else.

You said it yourself, you took the man for granted even though he was sweet and caring, and from the sound of it, you really didnt open up all the way to him. After a full yr of this, and than the little break, he probably figured that you're going to remain distant and your walls were hard to bring down. This man is not your husband, I wouldn't go blasting him for cheating. You had your chance, but maybe your heart just wasnt ready to let someone in. Thats okay, everyone needs to go thru this at their own pace.

When someone gives themselves for a full yr and are taken for granted, they have a right to bow out. YOu were also dealing with Divorce when you got together, so it was kinda messy to start. I think IC is going to be good for you.

Twinsmom posted 11/14/2019 21:36 PM

Half Time - thank you so much for your viewpoint. I am going to try not to sound defensive but you are reading a little much into my description. First of all, I told this man (who had been my friend for years) all of what I was going through with my divorce and told him it probably was not a good time for a relationship. He continued to pursue me quite aggressively and I eventually fell for his personality and charm. I can honestly say that I would not have survived the last year without him in my life. And while I will admit that I took him for granted because of how into me he was and how he treated me from day one, I did not treat him bad and I was completely open to him about everything. We had a great relationship and we were very happy all the way through the summer and he started talking about our future together. Then he seemed to just change his mind.

For the record, I have told him everything i have said here. I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship and we both needed time to figure things out and I needed to adjust to being divorced. It was just shocking to see him with another woman so quickly. And equally shocking that the girl is so much younger than him and the complete opposite of me. It makes me think if he wants her then he was never really into me.

Anyway, I do appreciate your opinion and totally agree that IC will be best for me. I need to heal from my exH walking out on me before I move on with any further relationships. Also, you are correct that I didn't realize what I had until it was gone. I'm just really sad now.

LoveTKO posted 11/19/2019 07:35 AM

I know it's hard but how I look at it is that obviously something wasn't right with the relationship or you would still be with him. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone if there's even a question about your feelings for each other. You deserve more. When it's right, you'll both know. You deserve to be cherished.

IC is always a smart move. You've been through a lot and it's hard to navigate on your own.

{{{{{Twinsmom}}}}}

Twinsmom posted 11/19/2019 16:47 PM

LoveTKO - You are correct. If I had questions or if he did, then we both deserve better. I would love to have the chance to do it over again knowing what I know now. Maybe this time we could do things different and get it right. Maybe he just isn't the one for me. I still miss him a lot and I am super sad that he has already moved on to someone else. It makes me think he didn't cherish our relationship at all. But it is what it is and I am moving on.

I appreciate all of your responses and support! I have many blessings in my life and I am going to work hard to focus on them. I am going to work on finding my worth in myself and not in a partner!