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The Funeral

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DevastatedDee posted 11/22/2019 10:09 AM

I've always been kind of hardened to life because of my experiences from the time I was a child and having to grow up fast. Always wished I had just gotten a chance to be the sweet ignorant soul (at least the sweet part) rather than the hard ass some either love or hate. But I am a hard ass that cares a lot and tries to help people. I just don't deal well with bullshit from others and will call them on it - or tell them what they are doing/have done is fucked up - and I had that talk many times with my WH. But, what he called the "pitbull" (loyal as hell, and not one to be fucked with) in me is also one of the things that attracted him to me. He loved and at times I think also hated (because it scared him) that I would go to people's rescue, even if it meant endangering myself. Like the woman I stopped the assault on last Summer that was bleeding from her head. But had I just kept driving, it would have felt like the same thing when my neighbors ignored my screams when I was held up at gun point at 19. And I vowed to never do that to anyone. It felt awful knowing my neighbors heard me and I could have been lying dead on the pavement and not one bothered to look outside let alone call the cops. People don't scream like that if they aren't in trouble. He shot at two of the neighbors that finally came out to see what was going on. SO I very well could have been dead. Pretty fucked up.

You're one of the awesome people. Do not let this change that. I couldn't ignore a scream from next door either and I am horrified that your neighbors did. SO glad you got through that alive. That is too scary.

DevastatedDee posted 11/22/2019 10:13 AM

Animal rescue is an amazing thing you do. I have a friend that runs a pitbull rescue shelter here as her 2nd non-paid full time job.

I love that. I swear, that is the kind of work that gives back more than money ever could. My best days are ones where the previously terrified beaten down by life dogs start smiling and wagging their tails again and enjoying just existing. 3 of my 5 dogs came from bad homes. I ran out of room to do that at home on my own time, so animal shelter work it is, lol.

CatsNTats posted 11/22/2019 10:20 AM

It was terrifying. I wound up with 7 or 8 staples in my head from being pistol whipped. Pretty decent gash he left. But my adrenaline from it saved my life - and once my adrenaline started pumping it fueled something in me and I fought him off. There was no thinking about it. It was just do - because either way you could wind up dead.

I didn't know people could ignore it either. Apparently - or so I've been told - if you really want to get people's attention if you're in a situation like that, scream "FIRE!" and that is when people will come running - probably to save their dickhead selves - but they come.

I don't think that part of me will ever change. I'll still stop. I'll still jump out of my car and chase a crazy fucker down to get him off someone. Unfortunately, that was the one day I didn't have my blade on me. Always keep my 3' Gerber on my pocket. If I had, when he came at me, he probably would have gotten shanked and not known it until after. It was a Costco run. I did not expect to be stopping an assault on a Sunday afternoon in the middle of Summer.

I was expecting my brother to give me grief for doing what I did that day, but he said "of course" as though he wouldn't have expected me to do anything less.

I'm not very big - so, if someone have some size on me it could mean trouble, but boy, when my crazy comes out...
watch it.

CatsNTats posted 11/22/2019 10:24 AM

I swear, that is the kind of work that gives back more than money ever could. My best days are ones where the previously terrified beaten down by life dogs start smiling and wagging their tails again and enjoying just existing. 3 of my 5 dogs came from bad homes. I ran out of room to do that at home on my own time, so animal shelter work it is, lol.

This is very admirable of you. I admire my friend that runs MPR too. I'm not sure if I could do it without wanting to hurt someone - whoever hurt the dog(s). I've had a hard time watching my sweet cats come out of what had been obvious trauma from abuse by a male. In the 5 years I've had Mr. M - he's come a long way. My other one, just a little over a year has also come a long way, but he still has his days.

[This message edited by CatsNTats at 10:29 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]

CatsNTats posted 11/22/2019 10:25 AM

But I still want to hurt the people that hurt them.

DevastatedDee posted 11/22/2019 11:12 AM

This is very admirable of you. I admire my friend that runs MPR too. I'm not sure if I could do it without wanting to hurt someone - whoever hurt the dog(s). I've had a hard time watching my sweet cats come out of what had been obvious trauma from abuse by a male. In the 5 years I've had Mr. Meowgi - he's come a long way. My other one, just a little over a year has also come a long way, but he still has his days.

Oh...there's that. For sure, there's rage and disgust at the people who mistreated them. We've all been mistreated and hatred towards those who do so is totally understandable and legit. Helping to heal these dogs does heal a little something in me, for sure. But yeah, I have low opinions of whomever had the care of some of these animals before. The abused ones are so obvious sometimes. The hard part is when one has to be put down (though it's a no-kill shelter) because the dog has been so abused that you can't bring them back and they're dangerous or when they've been so neglected that they're so ill that you can't save them. That's the dark side. The light side is when a dog who used to cower and shake and growl at everyone climbs into your lap. The vast majority of them come back from abuse and neglect and become pretty awesome creatures. Kind of like people.

CatsNTats posted 11/22/2019 11:48 AM

I can't even stand people that try to blame the breeds. It's the people that raise them to be like that. There was a pit bull ban in quite a few cities around the area. But pit bulls are actually very sweet and playful dogs. It's the people that raise them to be aggressive that should be punished. Not the pitties. Kind of like humans - some are raised to be aggressive because that's all they've known. Bothers me to my core that the animal is blamed when it was whoever raised them to fight of whatever else they do to them. Just so wrong.

DevastatedDee posted 11/22/2019 15:14 PM

Ha ha, I have a Chihuahua/Pit mix, so it's good that they aren't all incredibly violent or he'd be terrifying!

CatsNTats posted 11/22/2019 16:15 PM

WHAT?!?

How did that mix happen?

EllieKMAS posted 11/22/2019 20:59 PM

Seriously Dee - that musta been some party to get that mix!

And anyone who thinks pitbulls are scary is an idiot and has clearly never met a chihuahua

Cats, you 'sound' better today! Maybe it is compartmentalizing a bit, but that is your body and brain's way of helping you not have to feel quite so much of the feelings all at once. You just take care of yourself however you need to right now - and if you have to just take a mental break from it, I think that is a perfectly healthy thing to do. FWIW, I think you are doing simply amazing with everything, truly.

DevastatedDee posted 11/23/2019 09:22 AM

WHAT?!?
How did that mix happen?

Chi-Pit, an attempt at a new designer breed. I can only assume that idea was generated in a very rural area while gathered around a keg of beer.

He's only 11 lbs, so he looks like the most buff Chihuahua. My son's best friend said he looks like a gansta Chihuahua who spent a lot of time in the weight room in jail, lol. He was sterile, so the breeder was done with him. Her neighbor snatched him up and got him to me before anything unfortunate happened. He's awesome, but he is definitely the dog in charge at my house. His teeth are too big for his mouth, so I have the most fabulous pictures of him sleeping with his lower teeth just sticking out.

Superesse posted 11/23/2019 13:11 PM

(((Cats))) You did sound good the other day; I admire your ability to focus, very important in your studies. I think when you get to the semester end, you will feel lifted by your own track record, and you have us here, don't forget!

Now Dee, you can't be telling us about this buff, gangsta Chihuahua without pictures...teeth sticking out...

deena04 posted 11/23/2019 18:42 PM

Yep ^^^ pics are a must of this pup!!

CatsNTats posted 11/23/2019 18:58 PM

Dee, that is amazing. Haha. I find it so weird when little breeds and big breeds mix. He sounds adorable.

Superesse - my focus isn't always that great. But I am trying. Thank you for your words of encouragement and support! I appreciate all of you that are here.

DevastatedDee posted 11/23/2019 19:19 PM

How in the world do you post pics here?

Superesse posted 11/23/2019 19:56 PM

If I recall correctly, this Q. came up a while back, and someone said that before you can attach a photo here, it needs to be hosted somewhere on a website first, then you can select it, to attach as a link? (Sorry, I am illiterate about those things, but since I begged for a photo....good luck!)

barcher144 posted 11/23/2019 20:48 PM

I genuinely hate to interrupt this discussion about dogs, but I have something on topic to say (see below).

This is from the perspective of a person who suffered mental health problems. There are two really good pieces of mental health advice that I give to everyone: (1) Go easy on yourself, and (2) Go play with a dog. Literally, playing with dogs is statistically demonstrated to improve mental health.

(note: I like all animals... cats and dogs and everything else)

Now, for my actual comment:

but when people look at me and say, "He was sick." as if to justify the way he treated me

You may be right that these people are trying to justify his behavior. However, I also believe that it is important that you understand that he was sick.... means that it was not your fault.

You are not responsible for him. He was sick. It was not your fault.

A virtual hug from me.

CatsNTats posted 11/23/2019 22:27 PM

Yeah, the thread kind of took another life. That's okay though.

((Barcher))

You may be right that these people are trying to justify his behavior. However, I also believe that it is important that you understand that he was sick.... means that it was not your fault.

You are not responsible for him. He was sick. It was not your fault.

A virtual hug from me.

Thanks. I know he was...and I know it's not. I knew somewhere deep down that this was possible because of his threats, but actually believing that he'd follow through with it - well no one wants to believe that anyone would/could do that. It feels unreal. He always came off as this tough guy - but he was really broken. I saw him take on another life that made him unrecognizable. Even in that form, I can't blame only the addiction for the shitty-ness that was bestowed upon me. Him being "sick" or controlled by his addiction didn't give him the right to take the things he did from me. Or to hurt me the way he did. In my eyes - some of it is just unforgivable - "sick" or not. So people saying "he was sick" - yeah, I fucking know he was - I lived it, but when I tried to tell them and they didn't listen - and treated me like I was "crazy" - they don't get to make excuses for him now. They weren't fucking there.

I guess since we are all anon it won't matter if I tell it here, because the only other person that knows is my IC. But my last semester in my pre-reqs this year before starting nursing school, I woke up one night that we had fallen asleep on the couch. I had to pee so bad I thought my bladder was going to burst. When I came back to the couch, he grabbed my pants and ripped them down, I said "huh-uh" as in NO, and he said, "it won't hurt anything" and grabbed me by the hips and did it anyway. I just laid there. Shocked - that he would be okay -- raping me.

When I got through the next day, I took a VAR in the house with me. I started recording a lot of things because I was not in a place where I had the financial means to leave. And I confronted him - and his excuse -- was that he claimed I was "wet" so I must have been horny. "Wet" - doesn't equal horny. Women have different stages of "wet" all month long - because our vaginas produce secretions that are not within our control. For someone who claimed to know so much about women and sex, he should have known that.

I recorded that conversation though, and when he said - "you thought that was rape?" and got teary eyed, then backed it up with the "wet" comment.

Being "sick" - doesn't give you the right to rape someone. Partner or not. No means no. And at that point in our relationship my body had gone so far into self-preservation mode - I didn't want to have sex with him - ever really. That was the icing on the cake. I knew I needed out. And then things escalated to really scary this Summer when he got gun happy.

Looking back on those type of things - I wonder why my grief is so fucking thick. I lost him to that addiction a long time ago. Yet, here I am mourning this man that literally tried to destroy me and sabotage me every fucking day. It's hard to understand. It's hard for me to wrap my own head around.

barcher144 posted 11/24/2019 09:13 AM

Yeah, the thread kind of took another life. That's okay though.

Seriously, dogs are awesome! Although, your username suggests that you prefer cats. They're great too!

Being "sick" - doesn't give you the right to

I intentionally cut off the end of your sentence, but probably not for the reason that you think.

Being sick doesn't give a person the right to do anything. The fact that he was sick means that none of it, NONE OF IT, is your responsibility.

My STBXW has done a host of shitty things, up to and including falsely accusing me of raping her. The fact that she has an illness is not an excuse. She is still responsible for her misbehavior, not me.

He is responsible for his misdeeds, not you.

I knew somewhere deep down that this was possible because of his threats, but actually believing that he'd follow through with it - well no one wants to believe that anyone would/could do that. It feels unreal. He always came off as this tough guy - but he was really broken.

Since being diagnosed with depression, I have heard so much bullshit about mental health that it's tragic. People who commit suicide are cowards. They are threatening suicide to guilt you into something. Blah blah blah.

In some ways, I hate the terms "poor mental health" or "mental illness" because they are politically correct terms for crazy. To me, crazy is better... because you say and do things that ain't right... that you would not normally do.

Looking back on those type of things - I wonder why my grief is so fucking thick. I lost him to that addiction a long time ago. Yet, here I am mourning this man that literally tried to destroy me and sabotage me every fucking day. It's hard to understand. It's hard for me to wrap my own head around.

I understand, more or less. I think most of us on SI understand. Someone you loved and cared about said and did things that you cannot explain. You're dumbfounded. It's hard to accept. I hate to say it, but it'll just take time.

Just remember, none of this is your fault. You are not responsible for him and his misdeeds.

I was "wet" so I must have been horny. "Wet" - doesn't equal horny.

So what if you were horny? Does that mean that you can't be raped? That you can't say no?

I have been erect and aroused (i.e., not morning wood) and I still said no. One woman was even very persistent, to the point where if I hadn't been bigger and stronger than her... I probably would have been raped.

Again, none of this is your fault.

Back to the previous conversation, go out and grab yourself a cat or a dog.... and give them a big hug. It'll help, I promise.

DevastatedDee posted 11/24/2019 15:19 PM

Oh fuck that "he was sick" crap. Tell me, if you had a sickness that made you slap random small children in the face, would you do everything in your power to STOP and get help? Bet you would. You wouldn't casually walk around the grocery store smacking babies in the face while shrugging your shoulders and saying "I'm sick, what can you do?".

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