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The Funeral

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CatsNTats posted 11/3/2019 01:00 AM

The funeral was yesterday. It was awful. As soon as I got into the room with the family pre-service, I couldn't stop crying. I cried the entire time. I am devastated.

He would have hated that service. Too churchy, and not him at all. And full of lies about how ALL these people were there for him. As if they had been the ones reaching out for help for YEARS. As if they had been the ones living in the loneliness of his addiction and infidelities. Nope, that was me fuckers. And when I reached out for help, you shunned me. Treated me like I was crazy. The lies into the service continued as they spoke of his dad being a "good dad" because he bought him all this "stuff" I almost shit myself while I was crying and snotting everywhere that THAT was actually included in the service. Gross. I elbowed my friend that made the trip with me and she knew exactly was I was saying.

I avoided the FIL as much as possible until near end of the reception - when I started to walk away and he called my name. I had a giant of a man standing in between us - one of my deceased WH's cousins. The other was behind me (another giant of a cousin), and he started asking me if I had "the list." I had no clue what list he was fucking talking about. What I did know is, it was not the time or place. He kept saying he needed "so-and-so's" number to get the stuff and tried to say there were 6 guitars and 4 amps. I told him what was left was picked up and to speak to the giant cousin that was standing behind me about what he would get. This is after that cousin tried to assure me that this "stuff" would not be brought up at the funeral. I guess he thinks he's entitled to "stuff" because he bought it. But, fuck him.

I'm the Karma that's the bitch he didn't see coming. And when my WH told our neighbor a few weeks back that I am a pit bull, he wasn't fucking lying. Loyal to my core, but not one to be fucked with.

I did bow out of that more gracefully than I wanted to. It was clear that I was devastated and why the fuck, when I have tears running down my face would I want to speak to you about "stuff."

I had a really hard time yesterday. I really couldn't think or focus on anything else. That this is that real. That he really is gone. The friend of his I had step in a few weeks back before I changed my number said he had agreed to rehab and wanted to make things right with me. That he just ran out of time.

He didn't run out of time. He fucking did this. He told me he wouldn't live without me and he fucking did this. And now I have to live with it. Always. And the mess he has left behind with the house and the fucking "stuff." I'm about to just sell everything besides the "stuff" I am getting to the people I know he would want to have it.

I'm still fucking pissed. I'm still sad. I still feel no closure.

Oh, and my WH didn't even show to his own service. So there was no graveside service either. His ashes weren't even delivered on time.

The fucking lies people have to tell themselves to make themselves feel better about what they didn't do - or should have done. Like fucking listening to me. For fuck sake. Fuck fuck fuck.

DashboardMadonna posted 11/3/2019 01:08 AM

Sweet girl,

I am so very sorry that you have to go through this. I read your other post and I can only imagine how hard this is...

It's no wonder he was whom he was, with a disgusting and sick father. People like these deserve no mercy.

I dont recall if you said you are in therapy. I hope you some sort of peace.

Our stories are similar...please know you're not alone.

BraveSirRobin posted 11/3/2019 01:13 AM

(((Cats)))

I have no words. Just wanted you to know that someone who cares is awake and listening. I'm so sorry for your pain, and that you have to deal with this unspeakable fuckery on top of it. You deserve so much better.

CatsNTats posted 11/3/2019 01:15 AM

Thank you DM, I started back up in therapy last Wed. She is seeing me for free to get me through this, knowing the financial mess he's caused and that I am not able to afford it. I am seeking help. I'm also looking into taking some Jujitsu or something that I can channel some of this rage rather than yelling at people in public because they want to hold up a line arguing about tax on their cookies. Although, that didn't feel all that unwarranted.

CatsNTats posted 11/3/2019 01:20 AM

BSR, thank you. This pain feels never ending. I feel like I still wake up every day being smacked in the face with a frying pan. I just want it to go away.

It makes me feel better knowing that others can see this is complete fuckery as well. Uh, I really need to hit something.

CatsNTats posted 11/3/2019 01:23 AM

One thing I do know - I don't owe these people a fucking thing.

The1stWife posted 11/3/2019 02:23 AM

You are right - you donít owe others anything.

But you owe yourself forgiveness and healing.

Know you did your best. Know you loved him and had his best interests in mind. Know he had demons and issues that he could not face or fix and made wrong choices unfortunately.

I hope your therapy helps you find some peace.

Odonna posted 11/3/2019 02:37 AM

I am also up very late if you want to talk. I have two friends dying imminently, one a dear SI pen pal and one a work colleague. No sleep coming my way soon.

CatsNTats posted 11/3/2019 03:05 AM

Oh, Odonna, I am so sorry. Feel free to send me a chat. I am just up trying to catch up on my studies.

The1stWife - my conscious is clear. I know I did everything I could to help him. But this still fucking hurts. The people that treated me like I was crazy when they should have intervened, the ones who didn't believe me when I cried out for help over the years - now they are the ones who have to live with that guilt. Not me. That's on them. I believe had his old group of friends stepped in and interventioned his ass when I asked for help 3+ years ago, he maybe could have been set on a different path. Having all the people that were supposed to be the ones that cared about and loved him together showing their concern. But they wouldn't do it. And they didn't believe me.

I have messages from this July to one of them. I warned him of this exact thing saying if this happens, don't say I didn't fucking warn you. And now, I am sitting in the exact same position that friend of his was in 3 years ago when the wife he left because of the same issues shot herself in the face and publicly announced it on FB prior to doing it. I thought that friend of his would be relatable with what I feared may happen because of that and what I was going through in our home in regards to the domestic violence and drinking - because this same fucking thing happened to him. I didn't think he'd want to see it happen to one of his oldest friends and bandmates. He also took off quickly after the services and could barely look me in the eye or say much of anything. All I could spit out to him between my tears was, "I tried..." as in I tried to fucking tell you. And I just shook my head.

I didn't want him dead. I did not want dead to be his bottom. The only thing that really bothers me is that he said he wouldn't live without me and did it. This was his last thing to get me. And he got me. He really fucking did it. He got me. I know he was shitty to me, but I still love him. There was a time I believed he was the love of my life and never have I ever felt the way I did about him with anyone else - ever. Not even my husband before him. That's why I stayed as long as I did. Holding out hope he would change. People know I stayed longer than most would have and longer than I should have. I stayed until my life was in danger - and probably a bit too long.

I did believe, deep down, that if he found sobriety he would have been able to see how deep the damage his drinking and infidelities was that he has caused over the years. How much he had hurt me. His addiction had him so warped, and his brain so fucked up, that I don't think he could see anything clearly. He literally lost his mind. It was crazy. I think maybe he started to realize in the end when he told his friend he wanted to make things right with me and that getting into rehab was the first step. It would have taken A LOT of work.

I don't know. I guess I want to see the good in people even when it doesn't look like they have much left. There was a time though when he was my home. It had been a long while since I felt that way. But he became his addiction. Which was a monster. And such a waste.

[This message edited by CatsNTats at 3:07 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

Phantasmagoria posted 11/3/2019 08:37 AM

Please donít beat yourself up over what he said to you. Some people, no matter how much theyíre loved, just reach a point where they donít want to be here anymore. In reality itís that they canít live with themselves, and ultimately only they can change that.

Far better that you focus on the fact that heís at peace now, and that he canít hurt himself or you any more,

Chili posted 11/3/2019 09:17 AM

CNT - just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you this morning. I'll be sending extra mojo your way through the universe today that you have a bit of peace today. You're doing so great with all of this - staying centered in your strength and working to find ways to practice excellent self care. That's just such a huge deal.

CatsNTats posted 11/3/2019 12:17 PM

Thank you Phantas, you're right. He didn't want to be here anymore and I needed to hear that. I'm not sure he had wanted to be here for a long time. To him I was the only thing worth waking up for and I wanted so much more for him than that. But that's also a lot of pressure - to be that thing for someone. To have to live with the fact that he did this because I was gone and he could no longer get a hold of me. I know I can't hold that against myself. I know that was on him and that he needed to want the help. Still fucking hurts. I know he's not in pain anymore, but he left a bunch of others in pain with this final decision.

Chili, thank you. I need all the good mojo I can get right now while I'm also trying to get back on track with my studies and 4 exams this week. Just kind of feel like I'm drowning in stuff to do. Hoping I can still pass my courses this semester.

Lionne posted 11/3/2019 12:47 PM

Addiction has ravaged my family, including a nephew and his wife within a year of each other. I have other family members who are in successful recovery. I asked my brother, a recovering heroin addict why, since my nephew watched his wife die a horrible death, he didn't see that he was in danger of dying, too. My brother said, "in all my years addicted I never once worried about death. I worried only about whether or not I had enough drugs to get me through the next day."

Insanity. And unfortunately the people who love addicts are also profoundly traumatized by their actions.

YOU did nothing wrong. Those in denial who chose to make you the bad guy are still in denial.

Please do some nice things for yourself and know that so many SI members are holding you in the LIGHT...

tushnurse posted 11/3/2019 15:55 PM

((((CnT))))

You are an amazingly strong woman. Never forget that.

Please let yourself grieve the loss without guilt. Then I want you to immerse yourself in your studies. You are capable of passing this semester or at least a part of the classes. Make sure you communicate with your instructors. They will be more willing to help you if they are being kept apprised of how you are doing.

((((And Strength))))

BearlyBreathing posted 11/3/2019 16:40 PM

Just sending a hug. So sorry you have to deal with all this. You are amazing and strong. Sending peace...

Charity411 posted 11/3/2019 17:28 PM

I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with Cats. What a nightmare.

But do not for a moment think you could have saved him. Absolutely no way. My Daugher is an alcoholic. She almost drank herself to death three years ago while her two toddlers fended for themselves while her husband was at work.

What I learned through that experience is that addictive people don't stop until they want to stop. Period. If there was some magic way to make them stop, someone would have found it and sold it by now. You did the right thing by saving yourself. Do not for a minute think that if you had stayed he would have stopped. I learned this valuable lesson in Al Anon. I didn't go for long but it gave me a whole new perspective on how the addictive mind works. We can't apply our sober logic to their drunk logic.

Comfort yourself in the fact that you are there for him now, after he has chosen to leave, and I'm sure he is watching and knows. And he's watching free of the nightmare of addiction that clouded what he could see.

You'll be ok. Make sure you look for support. It is very valuable because since we aren't addicts we can't relate to the choices they made. Understanding that will set you free.

demolishedinside posted 11/3/2019 19:01 PM

Cats,
My heart is with you. I canít imagine all you are going through, but I do know it is more than I wish you had. I want to yell at his family for you. I pray you allow yourself to grieve and begin to find peace.
In support,
Dem

JanaGreen posted 11/3/2019 23:19 PM

I am so so sorry CnT.

bookworm19 posted 11/4/2019 02:12 AM

Dear CatsNTats, I can only try to imagine how hard this must be. What I do know is how hard it was for my MIL, when my FIL almost drank himself to death and nobody believed her, how extreme his drinking was. One of the best psychiatrists in our country (he dedicated his whole career and actually life to helping alcoholics and their families) told us, that some people would rather die than change. His rehab-program was so tough that even without drinking it would be hard to follow.
Grieving is so hard if there are so many conflicting emotions involved. I can offer only a virtual hug

steadychevy posted 11/4/2019 06:46 AM

I'm so sorry, Cats, with what you're facing and the hugely insensitive FIL at the funeral.

What I'm about to say may seem harsh about a deceased person. I believe this is more abuse from him. Even his message that he can't live without you is a message from the grave to weigh on you for the rest of your life.

It isn't on you. Do not carry this burden. As hard as it is it isn't yours to carry. I'm glad you're getting back into IC. My best wishes for you.

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