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New Beginnings :
Feeling sad for my kids

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 KonaGal (original poster member #70677) posted at 8:10 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

I really wish they could have an intact family and it pains me they have to experience this. They are still young, one in preschool and the other early elementary. I worry that if my stbxh can’t work harder to save this marriage then he’s not going to put forth any real effort in another relationship and my kids will be constantly dealing with that upheaval.

I will focus on being the best mom for them. I know at some point I’ll also want to start dating again. Are there really single, emotionally intelligent men out there that are open to dating single moms? It’s so intimidating.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2019
id 8455595
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 8:48 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

I have read the section on SI called I Can Relat , Betrayed Men. It gives me great hope that there are wonderful men out there, after reading these guys comments.

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5513   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8455617
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 KonaGal (original poster member #70677) posted at 8:56 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

I have read the section on SI called I Can Relat , Betrayed Men. It gives me great hope that there are wonderful men out there, after reading these guys comments.

There are a lot of great guys on here. I think it's slightly self-selecting. Obviously, a lot of people come here when they are a mess, but that they sought out a support group and are encouraged to go to IC means that they come away from this experience with much better emotional tools than a lot of other men who find themselves single.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2019
id 8455621
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Braveyogi ( member #51596) posted at 4:38 PM on Tuesday, October 22nd, 2019

KonaGal - it is wrenching to watch your kids struggle in the midst of the uncertainty facing you and your stbxh. Don't underestimate the power that one strong, stable, loving parent can have in the life of a child. Also, open yourself up to seeing the world from their eyes periodically - the joy, laughter, playfulness, spark. Helping keep that alive in them can help keep it alive in you.

Re: the dating question, I like what homewrecked said. I have no experience yet but hope it is true.

Me: BW
Him: XWH
Married 19 years, together 22 years
2 kids, 8 and 15
DDay #1 May 2010, OC born 2011
DDay #2 March 2016; moved 1500 miles away with OW#2 and her kids for a job.
Divorced May 2017
Not my circus, not my mon

posts: 478   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2016
id 8456121
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 1:13 PM on Wednesday, October 23rd, 2019

When I was venting to my old minister about my worries for the kids because of their messed up father, he said "Remember, they are part him BUT they are part you too! You keep teaching them the right way, the healthy way and it will sink in".

SI is full of folks whose ex's suffer from idiotcy (or have legit mental, emotional and/or physical issues) and SI is full of folks with happy, well-adjusted children!

You work to keep your home safe, secure and healthy for them and give them the tools they need to deal with the crazies of the world. It will help them well beyond their father.

As for dating - I have been D for almost 10 years. I also worried early on if there were any folks out there for me. THERE ARE! There are guys that will welcome your entire package. If they don't - you NEXT them immediately! There are also a lot of guys out there in your boat! They are raising their children as a single parent with the exact same concerns you have. Don't be discouraged; just give it time.

posts: 6985   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8456571
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Saadnblu ( member #40361) posted at 4:51 PM on Thursday, November 7th, 2019

Hi KonaGirl,

I get exactly how you are feeling. I have the same feelings, often. I have one teenage son and I wish so much that we could be a family for him--going places, having a rich social life. It's been tough for my son and me to have family pals--perhaps including a single mom is distasteful or threatening. Or maybe it's just me. This has taken an enormous outlay of will and strength to be so much for my kid while keeping our financial life together, doing repairs (dryer today) etc.. Plus deal with feelings about ex and his GF. I think I needed to prove to myself that I could do it. At this point, it would be nice to have a man around in some capacity, but...I guess I don't want one badly enough because they haven't shown up! Anyway, you are not alone, don't lose heart. We do the best we can with the hand we are dealt.

On to a new life.

posts: 80   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2013
id 8464472
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:49 PM on Thursday, November 7th, 2019

I will focus on being the best mom for them.

Yes this. That is all I am focusing on too. It is the only thing I can control about the situation.

(((KonaGal)))

My kids are both teenagers so they are tied up with their phones and social media all the time or going to see friends. Most of their friends come from divorced families, which helps me think well at least mine aren't the only ones.

It's not easy when I see happy families together. Or BOTH grandparents with their grandchildren. I didn't get the family I wanted nor have I had one all these years.

Sadly I am nowhere near wanting or thinking about a future partner.

fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024

posts: 9075   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8464589
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 9:50 PM on Thursday, November 14th, 2019

Kona- Yes, I feel you on the kids. I felt sad for them while this was all going down, and I still feel sad for them that their mother is so selfish and oblivious to anyones concern but her own.

Now the WW is going to move in with her AP, and he is a true Narc. So I have concerns for my young children there as well. There isn't much we can do on that side of the wall, but when they're with us, I know we'll do right by the children.

As for dating, don't worry, there are men out there like me. We have kids and are also looking for partners. Just take your time.

posts: 1426   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8468146
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patientlywaiting ( member #56493) posted at 1:45 AM on Sunday, November 17th, 2019

Kona-

I wholeheartedly agree, the thing that gets me by is being the stable parent/home. Everything I do with my daughter is with the eyes towards being the "normal" home. That being said, I also enjoy my me time and just recently met some very nice single moms in the same boat as this single dad. It was nice to connect to someone that was in a similar situation as me. Let me be one to tell you, there are plenty of single dads out there looking for the same as you. Time and patience is all it takes.

Me - 43

M - 9 years
T - 15 years
1 daughter 6
DDay1 - 11/2016
DDay2 - 8/2017
DIVORCED - 12/12/2018

Healing and moving on.

posts: 212   ·   registered: Dec. 20th, 2016   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8469023
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Cheatee ( member #59284) posted at 9:30 PM on Tuesday, November 19th, 2019

Indeed, this is the lasting pain of infidelity and divorce - how it affects the children. It didn't matter that much that she was the "decider" that the family needed to be blown up, I still felt guilty for being any kind of party to their disruptive lives.

But it doesn't harm them for life if you are a determined parent (bonus points if your ex is determined as well).

My two older kids are very successful professionals and are married with children of their own. Their relationships are really encouraging, to healthy spouses. My youngest is just finishing college and is similarly inclined.

posts: 870   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: Planet Earth, usually
id 8470175
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Devastated2015 ( member #50693) posted at 4:33 AM on Monday, December 2nd, 2019

I don’t have advice but wanted to let know you’re such a good a good Mom❤️

BS Me-39WH-SA-43Married-21 years DDAY 12/03/2015 crazy OW 5 month A plus a few ONS they were all used for sexSexting!😕
Dday #2 4/8/2022
Dday#3 1/20/2024

3 Children- ages 13-20

posts: 305   ·   registered: Dec. 7th, 2015   ·   location: California
id 8475781
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Maudlin ( member #70107) posted at 10:56 AM on Monday, December 2nd, 2019

I feel like I’m actually doing ok, personally, but the kid stuff...I just can’t. Right now we have an apt and a house and we switch, and just the loss of the pets who come with me, the watching TV at night together...it sucks.

They feel it.

It’s so unfair.

In some ways I feel like both LLCAH (low life cheating asshat) and I are both responsible. I turned a blind eye for years and years...why I couldn’t I a bit longer? Because it would have killed me, literally, but really is it any better they are hurt, they who were my whole reason for staying the first time? I let them down by choosing so poorly.

I chose a fucking dishonorable low character man for their father, that was me. He showed me who he was, but I still stayed. I think I’m going to be ok, but they...damn. It hurts.

Your kids are young, and they will be proud of their strong mama. I am proud of you. I wish I WAS you, with young kids navigating this, because now mine tend to feel their lives were a lie.

posts: 170   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2019
id 8475820
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