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Feeling sad for my kids

KonaGal posted 10/21/2019 14:10 PM

I really wish they could have an intact family and it pains me they have to experience this. They are still young, one in preschool and the other early elementary. I worry that if my stbxh canít work harder to save this marriage then heís not going to put forth any real effort in another relationship and my kids will be constantly dealing with that upheaval.

I will focus on being the best mom for them. I know at some point Iíll also want to start dating again. Are there really single, emotionally intelligent men out there that are open to dating single moms? Itís so intimidating.

homewrecked2011 posted 10/21/2019 14:48 PM

I have read the section on SI called I Can Relat , Betrayed Men. It gives me great hope that there are wonderful men out there, after reading these guys comments.

KonaGal posted 10/21/2019 14:56 PM

I have read the section on SI called I Can Relat , Betrayed Men. It gives me great hope that there are wonderful men out there, after reading these guys comments.

There are a lot of great guys on here. I think it's slightly self-selecting. Obviously, a lot of people come here when they are a mess, but that they sought out a support group and are encouraged to go to IC means that they come away from this experience with much better emotional tools than a lot of other men who find themselves single.

Braveyogi posted 10/22/2019 10:38 AM

KonaGal - it is wrenching to watch your kids struggle in the midst of the uncertainty facing you and your stbxh. Don't underestimate the power that one strong, stable, loving parent can have in the life of a child. Also, open yourself up to seeing the world from their eyes periodically - the joy, laughter, playfulness, spark. Helping keep that alive in them can help keep it alive in you.

Re: the dating question, I like what homewrecked said. I have no experience yet but hope it is true.

EvenKeel posted 10/23/2019 07:13 AM

When I was venting to my old minister about my worries for the kids because of their messed up father, he said "Remember, they are part him BUT they are part you too! You keep teaching them the right way, the healthy way and it will sink in".

SI is full of folks whose ex's suffer from idiotcy (or have legit mental, emotional and/or physical issues) and SI is full of folks with happy, well-adjusted children!

You work to keep your home safe, secure and healthy for them and give them the tools they need to deal with the crazies of the world. It will help them well beyond their father.

As for dating - I have been D for almost 10 years. I also worried early on if there were any folks out there for me. THERE ARE! There are guys that will welcome your entire package. If they don't - you NEXT them immediately! There are also a lot of guys out there in your boat! They are raising their children as a single parent with the exact same concerns you have. Don't be discouraged; just give it time.

Saadnblu posted 11/7/2019 10:51 AM

Hi KonaGirl,

I get exactly how you are feeling. I have the same feelings, often. I have one teenage son and I wish so much that we could be a family for him--going places, having a rich social life. It's been tough for my son and me to have family pals--perhaps including a single mom is distasteful or threatening. Or maybe it's just me. This has taken an enormous outlay of will and strength to be so much for my kid while keeping our financial life together, doing repairs (dryer today) etc.. Plus deal with feelings about ex and his GF. I think I needed to prove to myself that I could do it. At this point, it would be nice to have a man around in some capacity, but...I guess I don't want one badly enough because they haven't shown up! Anyway, you are not alone, don't lose heart. We do the best we can with the hand we are dealt.

crazyblindsided posted 11/7/2019 13:49 PM

I will focus on being the best mom for them.

Yes this. That is all I am focusing on too. It is the only thing I can control about the situation.


My kids are both teenagers so they are tied up with their phones and social media all the time or going to see friends. Most of their friends come from divorced families, which helps me think well at least mine aren't the only ones.

It's not easy when I see happy families together. Or BOTH grandparents with their grandchildren. I didn't get the family I wanted nor have I had one all these years.

Sadly I am nowhere near wanting or thinking about a future partner.

HalfTime2017 posted 11/14/2019 15:50 PM

Kona- Yes, I feel you on the kids. I felt sad for them while this was all going down, and I still feel sad for them that their mother is so selfish and oblivious to anyones concern but her own.

Now the WW is going to move in with her AP, and he is a true Narc. So I have concerns for my young children there as well. There isn't much we can do on that side of the wall, but when they're with us, I know we'll do right by the children.

As for dating, don't worry, there are men out there like me. We have kids and are also looking for partners. Just take your time.

patientlywaiting posted 11/16/2019 19:45 PM

I wholeheartedly agree, the thing that gets me by is being the stable parent/home. Everything I do with my daughter is with the eyes towards being the "normal" home. That being said, I also enjoy my me time and just recently met some very nice single moms in the same boat as this single dad. It was nice to connect to someone that was in a similar situation as me. Let me be one to tell you, there are plenty of single dads out there looking for the same as you. Time and patience is all it takes.

Cheatee posted 11/19/2019 15:30 PM

Indeed, this is the lasting pain of infidelity and divorce - how it affects the children. It didn't matter that much that she was the "decider" that the family needed to be blown up, I still felt guilty for being any kind of party to their disruptive lives.

But it doesn't harm them for life if you are a determined parent (bonus points if your ex is determined as well).

My two older kids are very successful professionals and are married with children of their own. Their relationships are really encouraging, to healthy spouses. My youngest is just finishing college and is similarly inclined.

Devastated2015 posted 12/1/2019 22:33 PM

I donít have advice but wanted to let know youíre such a good a good Mom❤️

Maudlin posted 12/2/2019 04:56 AM

I feel like Iím actually doing ok, personally, but the kid stuff...I just canít. Right now we have an apt and a house and we switch, and just the loss of the pets who come with me, the watching TV at night sucks.

They feel it.

Itís so unfair.

In some ways I feel like both LLCAH (low life cheating asshat) and I are both responsible. I turned a blind eye for years and years...why I couldnít I a bit longer? Because it would have killed me, literally, but really is it any better they are hurt, they who were my whole reason for staying the first time? I let them down by choosing so poorly.

I chose a fucking dishonorable low character man for their father, that was me. He showed me who he was, but I still stayed. I think Iím going to be ok, but they...damn. It hurts.

Your kids are young, and they will be proud of their strong mama. I am proud of you. I wish I WAS you, with young kids navigating this, because now mine tend to feel their lives were a lie.

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