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Helping what you canít prove

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Someoneelse2112 posted 10/21/2019 19:07 PM

Hes catastrophizing, whicn is perfectly normal. I spent most of the first 4 months after DDay doing that, and still do on occassion. Theres really nothing you can do. Either he will eventually center himself and begin to ask questions that help him sort it out, or he will get to a point where it is all too much and he has to leave.

EAPTSD posted 10/28/2019 20:13 PM


Heís questioning if AP came along sooner, would we have been toast....
What he is feeling simply isnít true.

Are you saying that if the AP came knocking 1 day before you first betrayed your husband, you would have rejected him? 1 week? 1 month, 1 year? Is this timeline something youíve thought about? Can you admit there was a time before your affair when you felt closer to the person you were during the affair than you do now? When did that happen? How did it feel? Why are you so confident that his questions are off the mark? Heís not a lawyer trying to throw the book at you, heís asking you about your feelings and youíre telling him thatís impossible.


I have accepted that it was impossible to love him while having an affair.

Just a guess, but I donít really believe you are being 100% honest about this. It sounds like you still insist that you always loved him, and have learned that hiding what you really feel helps to avoid fights. Donít be dishonest with your husband. You are saying that you are certain that you love your husband now, so any dishonesty or secrecy shows that is what you think love is.

I donít mean to be too harsh, but what youíre asking is, ďHow do I prove to my husband that I wonít hurt him again, when I donít understand why I did it in the first place?Ē

Zirconia posted 11/11/2019 19:15 PM

Way late to respond to this but I thought for sure there was no way in hell my WW would ever convince me of anything ever again. Up until a month ago if my wife said to make sure I brought an umbrella to work in the morning I would look for sunscreen.

My wife insisted on full disclosure so I had to read through things I didn't want to see. A lot. One in particular hurt, Ive written about it before, it was nothing sexual but it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

The reason we aren't divorced, living apart, and not speaking is she made it clear she was wrapped up in a fantasy of a relationship and showed me how every time she crossed a line she went overboard to do something for me. I don't really buy it on a $ for $ basis but there was definite proof that the day she went to a movie with him it made her feel bad. The day before she must have spent $800 on clothes for me. The day after I was struggling with editing a project I was working on and she stayed up through the night and did the editing for me.

I am still disgusted by what happened but when I looked there was evidence that she knew what she did was wrong and that if she had no feelings for me she could just as easily not helped me at all.

In the end time plus the realization that for some things there is no proof, only faith, and I realized that my analyzing every minute is wasting every minute I spend analyzing things. The totality of the work she put in is far greater than the sum of each individual thing she has done since D-Day. She has upended her life in an effort to save her marriage. If she didn't want her marriage to be saved I doubt she would have read all of the books she has read. She wouldn't have gone to the lengths she has.

Ultimately it may not work, I am not sure what I want, but the one thing I am sure of is that she made mistake, she did love me but did things she shouldn't have. If it ends in divorce it won't be because I feel she isn't being honest now.

Try complete honesty. I am, to be truthful, a bit sick of the complete honesty but it is comforting in its own way. I went to dinner Thursday with a client and she had this look and asked if I would sit down for a minute, she wanted to talk. I thought f$%k me, she talked to him. No, it was "I want to say that you always look great, you are handsome to the point I worry you will find someone else, your clothes look great but the tie you have on has no grey in it, I feel you could look a bit smarter with your red tie with grey infill."

nightmare01 posted 11/12/2019 11:21 AM

I've not read the entire thread, but want to comment on this:

He is wondering if I ever truly loved him or if he was always disposable.

A common refrain among BS's is that if our WS's version of love included the abuse of an affair, that's not the sort of love we're interested in.

An example of this was my WW telling me that she loved me during her affair. (she just loved OM more)

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