@GMC94
So my hope is that your BH is doing what he can to heal from your A, which is what he needs to do.
From an outside perspective he seems like he is in a much better place. He's happier when he's here, either visiting the children or coming to see me in the evening. He's taking care of himself and started up some old hobbies he used to do years ago, and rekindling old friendships. I love seeing him looking more positive about life. He's up for promotion at his work which I know he will get, which will boost his confidence even more. We have been able to talk more about the deep stuff without him closing me out, which I think is another sign of healing somewhat. i know he will never fully heal and I hate that I did that to him, but I'm glad he does seem to have found some more confidence and happinesss.
The thing is that no one knows the future, so keep working on you, cuz it's really all you CAN do.
Yes, Absolutely.
@LEAVINGORBIT
I believe our separation was both good and bad. It was valuable in the sense that it gave us both time to start individual work. It gave us some enforced space, when we chose to take it. That space also gave us another thing to point our fingers at but that’s about our own communication/resentment issues, not the separation itself.
Good to know. Glad you found some space to start individual work. Yes I already started to view the split negatively a while back because I was feeling mixed signals, panic and paranoia, but I've dealt with this and trying to just give him space to do his own growing and healing, while I do mine. We just fall back together at the moment, live our separate lives as two individuals, then we parent together, then when the day is over its like we just need that time to just be together again. Hold hands and just be one. That gives me hope.
My husband summed it up pretty succinctly: being apart sucked but we didn’t have the skills to put in a healthy effort. Our separation gave us the opportunity to start building those skills with some breathing room. That’s my experience. Our separation brought us closer overall but I think from the beginning we both knew we wanted to reconcile. We just had to dig
This resonates with me alot. We got together at 16 and 17. We've both known that we don't deal with things in a healthy way (me more so than him obviously) and we never took the time to try and learn how to communicate and build on those skills to learn how to make an effort for US. I think we got stuck thinking things would just fix themselves if you left them long enough. I know for myself I never acknowledged the way I shut down emotionally or run from problems. Space and IC has given me a chance to learn about my unhealthy coping mechanisms, and as they say once you acknowledge you have a problem, you can start working on in. I hope that's true. Thank you for your message and your story
@ASHESOFKALI
Here's my well-intentioned advice to you: If your goal is to R with your BS at any point in the future, it is imperative that you begin right now to show your BS that you're willing to do whatever is necessary to help him heal from the pain you inflicted on him.
I'm trying to find the balance of showing how far I'll go and what I'll do to try and help him heal and make things as right as they can be after what I put him through, but also understanding he needs space and time and me getting in his face trying to "fix" things will just cause more problems. I caused more problems in early days of split by trying to be the fixer so much so he really backed away from me entirely. So far open communication, giving him time when he needs it, but being here silently waiting for when he doesn't want space, feels like a safe place to be.
@SUNWILLSHINE
Yes, we separated for 16 months. My fwh got help for himself without my asking for anything. He did the work. Over and over he went above and beyond to show me through his actions that he wanted us. He wanted to R.
While I had a couple of years of severe mental health issues due to his infedelity that I had to do tons of therapy, including inpatient treatment. He supported me in every way he could.
Yes it is possible and you will have to work really hard. Have compassion and show empathy. I recently posted in the positive R stories at the top of that forum.
I'm so sorry for your tough journey because of your husbands betrayal. I hope you are doing better with your mental health now. I'm very happy for you both that you managed to come through as a positive R story, I will check it out.
@HIKINGOUT
I had gotten stable through IC and had started really taking some Accountability not only for the affair (I did that almost from Day 1) but accountability for the resentments I had been holding, our pre A issues, what I needed to change, etc. so I was in a lot better shape to help him better. For both of us, moving towards divorce was a helpful reminder that we could move on if we wanted and we would eventually be okay but that neither of us wanted that. It was a slow
Evolution on both of our parts. It’s good to have that time
Away from each other to assess.
Thank you so much. The Pre A issues is something I'm working through and know this won't be an overnight thing. But I can already feel myself starting to accept things I hadn't previously, and take responsibility for my horrific way of dealing with things. This will take time, and maybe this is why our separation was needed in a way. Me and XBS will live if separation continues. I will get stronger and continue to put kids first and be the best mother and friend I can be, and he will get stronger and heal and start his own new journey. The children will be fine, they'll adapt and we'll make things as smooth as possible for them, they are doing ok so far with him moving out as still see him regularly and as I said in previous post we spend more time together as a family now than previously. So, all in all, the world will still keep spinning if we don't R. But, I also know that I'll always have a missing piece of me if we don't. That my day can be bright, but not as bright as it would be with him by my side. We don't need eachother to live. I think we've both learned that from being apart for last couple of months. And in that realisation I think that's where I hope one day he will think the same, that we can be apart, but that he doesn't want to. Maybe he does think that. Maybe him still being here in the ways he is shows that he feels like theres a chance. In the last 2 months he's pulled in closer rather than pulling away. All i can do is continue the work on myself. Thank you for sharing.