"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Itsallmyfault posted 10/11/2019 17:36 PM

Hi all!

Just wondering how many of you reconciled with your BS, after separation? Did the time apart help your BS recover ? How long did you spend apart? I guess the reason I’m asking is sometimes it feels detrimental to coming back together to now live separate lives. But also it seems to be helping to bring us back together in moments, and be able to talk a lot more openly. I do believe this definitely helped in that way as the split gave me some serious time to start working on my own issues I had ignored, I had a lot, most I never realised or acknowledged until self reflection, IC, journalling etc etc things that made me feel safest to detach emotionally therefore we never really had the emotional openness when talking which I’ve found easier now I can acknowledge it as a problem.

I’d love to know there’s still hope even if I don’t deserve it I long for our life together. Even though we are not together, and have told friends/family we are split, he’s moved out and his name is not on lease here anymore, he’s changed address on documents/financials etc so feels very final, but he still has a photo of me as his phone lock screen, still stays late after seeing kids and we eat dinner together, hang out, sometimes we are intimate, we have planned to go cinema together next week, just the two of us (I offered this and he accepted immediately) so sometimes it does feel like there is a chance we may pull through. Sometimes I feel like we are just prolonging the pain of the split.

Obviously nobody can answer that for sure, not even BS, but just in general did separation work for anyone else or is it too final to come back from?

No stop sign so BS please feel free to weigh in on your side of separation, the responses I had on my original post about A I had invaluable advice from the BS here, and it’s super helpful to hear how he may be feeling about this from the betrayed stand point. Probably even more confused than me.

Itsallmyfault posted 10/14/2019 14:55 PM

Bumping out of desperation

gmc94 posted 10/14/2019 15:09 PM

I'm a BW, separated 3+ months. My WH has said some similar things about being S (eg distance helping him work on himself).

If the question is if it is POSSIBLE to R after S - of course it is! If it's possible to R after D, why would S be different? There are folks who have done this and can probably better address your question (don't be discouraged by no replies, weekends are always "slow" on SI).

From the BS perspective, I'd say we are all different. We all have to heal, whether we are S or not. I didn't S until nearly 18 months after dday bc I was so completely knocked down by his A that it took me that long to get the strength to tell him to hit the road when he'd not made any real progress during that time on his side of the street. So my hope is that your BH is doing what he can to heal from your A, which is what he needs to do.

Maybe R is in the cards, and maybe not. It takes time to heal from this, and it takes time for a WS to heal/recover/fix their wayward ways. The thing is that no one knows the future, so keep working on you, cuz it's really all you CAN do.

leavingorbit posted 10/14/2019 15:22 PM

Hi IAMF, I’m glad to hear you’re still digging. I hope IC continues to be a good resource for you.

My husband and I separated on our D-Day, at my request. We were separated for two months and are now reconciling. We both immediately started IC and then started MC at his request two months later. We both joined support groups and developed hobbies. I believe our separation was both good and bad. It was valuable in the sense that it gave us both time to start individual work. It gave us some enforced space, when we chose to take it. That space also gave us another thing to point our fingers at but that’s about our own communication/resentment issues, not the separation itself. I know for me personally that after I pulled my head out of my ass (an ongoing process, really), I struggled with our separation because I felt that I had been hugely hypocritical and selfish on D-Day. What right did I have after I had cheated to say that we needed time apart? I focused on me-me-me for a good month after and that’s just disgusting with how selfish I already had been when I cheated, lied, stole. My husband summed it up pretty succinctly: being apart sucked but we didn’t have the skills to put in a healthy effort. Our separation gave us the opportunity to start building those skills with some breathing room.

That’s my experience. Our separation brought us closer overall but I think from the beginning we both knew we wanted to reconcile. We just had to dig.

ETA: my husband and I are madhatters.

[This message edited by leavingorbit at 3:26 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

ashesofkali posted 10/14/2019 16:02 PM

Hi IAMF –
I'm a BS, headed for D. I asked my WH to move out (2 years past DDay) because he wasn't sorry and he wasn't willing to change. Instead of working on himself during S, he just doubled down on that lack of remorse. By the time we had been S for 7 months, I felt strong enough to give him an ultimatum. He said he couldn't commit to R with me, so I said fuck it and filed for divorce.

Here's my well-intentioned advice to you: If your goal is to R with your BS at any point in the future, it is imperative that you begin right now to show your BS that you're willing to do whatever is necessary to help him heal from the pain you inflicted on him.

sunwillshine posted 10/14/2019 21:17 PM

Yes, we separated for 16 months. My fwh got help for himself without my asking for anything. He did the work. Over and over he went above and beyond to show me through his actions that he wanted us. He wanted to R.
While I had a couple of years of severe mental health issues due to his infedelity that I had to do tons of therapy, including inpatient treatment. He supported me in every way he could.
Yes it is possible and you will have to work really hard. Have compassion and show empathy. I recently posted in the positive R stories at the top of that forum.
I wish you well and Godspeed.

hikingout posted 10/14/2019 22:03 PM

We didn’t fully separate. We did in house separation about nine months out. But we spent very little time together from about a month out to probably month 4 or 5. That’s a bit fuzzy on the timeline for me because some of the distance came before my confession but after the affair ended. That was a really hard period of time and I don’t remember a ton about it anymore. I would sit for hours alone by a pond writing and crying and praying. It was a dark time for both of us. I did IC, etc. after our brief in house separation (we were going to divorce but he changed his mind) we started dating again. I had gotten stable through IC and had started really taking some Accountability not only for the affair (I did that almost from Day 1) but accountability for the resentments I had been holding, our pre A issues, what I needed to change, etc. so I was in a lot better shape to help him better. For both of us, moving towards divorce was a helpful reminder that we could move on if we wanted and we would eventually be okay but that neither of us wanted that. It was a slow
Evolution on both of our parts. It’s good to have that time
Away from each other to assess.

Itsallmyfault posted 10/15/2019 04:31 AM

@GMC94

So my hope is that your BH is doing what he can to heal from your A, which is what he needs to do.

From an outside perspective he seems like he is in a much better place. He's happier when he's here, either visiting the children or coming to see me in the evening. He's taking care of himself and started up some old hobbies he used to do years ago, and rekindling old friendships. I love seeing him looking more positive about life. He's up for promotion at his work which I know he will get, which will boost his confidence even more. We have been able to talk more about the deep stuff without him closing me out, which I think is another sign of healing somewhat. i know he will never fully heal and I hate that I did that to him, but I'm glad he does seem to have found some more confidence and happinesss.

The thing is that no one knows the future, so keep working on you, cuz it's really all you CAN do.

Yes, Absolutely.

@LEAVINGORBIT

I believe our separation was both good and bad. It was valuable in the sense that it gave us both time to start individual work. It gave us some enforced space, when we chose to take it. That space also gave us another thing to point our fingers at but that’s about our own communication/resentment issues, not the separation itself.

Good to know. Glad you found some space to start individual work. Yes I already started to view the split negatively a while back because I was feeling mixed signals, panic and paranoia, but I've dealt with this and trying to just give him space to do his own growing and healing, while I do mine. We just fall back together at the moment, live our separate lives as two individuals, then we parent together, then when the day is over its like we just need that time to just be together again. Hold hands and just be one. That gives me hope.

My husband summed it up pretty succinctly: being apart sucked but we didn’t have the skills to put in a healthy effort. Our separation gave us the opportunity to start building those skills with some breathing room. That’s my experience. Our separation brought us closer overall but I think from the beginning we both knew we wanted to reconcile. We just had to dig

This resonates with me alot. We got together at 16 and 17. We've both known that we don't deal with things in a healthy way (me more so than him obviously) and we never took the time to try and learn how to communicate and build on those skills to learn how to make an effort for US. I think we got stuck thinking things would just fix themselves if you left them long enough. I know for myself I never acknowledged the way I shut down emotionally or run from problems. Space and IC has given me a chance to learn about my unhealthy coping mechanisms, and as they say once you acknowledge you have a problem, you can start working on in. I hope that's true. Thank you for your message and your story

@ASHESOFKALI

Here's my well-intentioned advice to you: If your goal is to R with your BS at any point in the future, it is imperative that you begin right now to show your BS that you're willing to do whatever is necessary to help him heal from the pain you inflicted on him.

I'm trying to find the balance of showing how far I'll go and what I'll do to try and help him heal and make things as right as they can be after what I put him through, but also understanding he needs space and time and me getting in his face trying to "fix" things will just cause more problems. I caused more problems in early days of split by trying to be the fixer so much so he really backed away from me entirely. So far open communication, giving him time when he needs it, but being here silently waiting for when he doesn't want space, feels like a safe place to be.

@SUNWILLSHINE

Yes, we separated for 16 months. My fwh got help for himself without my asking for anything. He did the work. Over and over he went above and beyond to show me through his actions that he wanted us. He wanted to R.
While I had a couple of years of severe mental health issues due to his infedelity that I had to do tons of therapy, including inpatient treatment. He supported me in every way he could.
Yes it is possible and you will have to work really hard. Have compassion and show empathy. I recently posted in the positive R stories at the top of that forum.

I'm so sorry for your tough journey because of your husbands betrayal. I hope you are doing better with your mental health now. I'm very happy for you both that you managed to come through as a positive R story, I will check it out.

@HIKINGOUT

I had gotten stable through IC and had started really taking some Accountability not only for the affair (I did that almost from Day 1) but accountability for the resentments I had been holding, our pre A issues, what I needed to change, etc. so I was in a lot better shape to help him better. For both of us, moving towards divorce was a helpful reminder that we could move on if we wanted and we would eventually be okay but that neither of us wanted that. It was a slow
Evolution on both of our parts. It’s good to have that time
Away from each other to assess.

Thank you so much. The Pre A issues is something I'm working through and know this won't be an overnight thing. But I can already feel myself starting to accept things I hadn't previously, and take responsibility for my horrific way of dealing with things. This will take time, and maybe this is why our separation was needed in a way. Me and XBS will live if separation continues. I will get stronger and continue to put kids first and be the best mother and friend I can be, and he will get stronger and heal and start his own new journey. The children will be fine, they'll adapt and we'll make things as smooth as possible for them, they are doing ok so far with him moving out as still see him regularly and as I said in previous post we spend more time together as a family now than previously. So, all in all, the world will still keep spinning if we don't R. But, I also know that I'll always have a missing piece of me if we don't. That my day can be bright, but not as bright as it would be with him by my side. We don't need eachother to live. I think we've both learned that from being apart for last couple of months. And in that realisation I think that's where I hope one day he will think the same, that we can be apart, but that he doesn't want to. Maybe he does think that. Maybe him still being here in the ways he is shows that he feels like theres a chance. In the last 2 months he's pulled in closer rather than pulling away. All i can do is continue the work on myself. Thank you for sharing.

Sanibelredfish posted 10/15/2019 17:37 PM

IAMF, if you haven’t already, you should check out the Betrayed Menz thread in I Can Relate. Some of those BHs R’ed after separation and some have their stories posted. It’ll take a little legwork too in reviewing profiles, but something tells me you are up for a challenge. That said, it’d be reading only because I don’t think you can post in that thread because it’s for BHs only.

Tallgirl posted 10/15/2019 18:54 PM

I am separated since May - so nearly 6 months now. We called it a trial and figured it would be 3 months. I insisted because he kept lying about one thing, actually he hid the truth - this was the result - loss of trust and a separation

I need the time to heal, even after 18 months out, I am still crushed. The last lying killed me. In many ways the separation is good - he is on his own, it's not fun. He cooks, cleans, shops etc. First time for him 28 years. I am putting myself first - first time in 28 years. I know all the other stuff. And I'm working on building friendships and confidence.

We get together once a week and communicate in between. I have space, and the pressure to R or to "get better faster" is not there.

I"m not sure if we will R or D, but I have space to breath and think, and he knows he can live on his own.

waitedwaytoolong posted 10/15/2019 19:02 PM

I think it depends on the reason for the separation. We separated as a negotiated alternative to the divorce I wanted. She pleaded not to start official proceeding, so I agreed. The thing was I wanted to divorce, and ultimately separate, to combat the sense of injustice I felt. She was very remorseful, and the separation kind of blindsided by it so I felt a lot of guilt. But I just couldn't get past what she had done.

I also didn't think it was fair that she got to experience a sexual relationship outside the marriage, and I was just supposed to eat it. I was very clear that I would be seeing other women during the separation , and I did. I just didnt want to do it as a married guy. We also continued to have sex, although when it became clear to me that when there was now way back, i put a stop to that. I did move away during the separation as not to crap on her in our backyard, and didnt go with any of her friends, who surprisingly were willing to throw her under the bus.

So my separation was I guess like an exit affair. We ended up getting divorced even as she wanted to continue the marriage no matter what i had done. Actually tried a post nup that would have saved me a ton of money.

What are the ground rules for your separation? Is it to give you guys space, or does he, or you, intend to live a single life while separated. Is there a time frame, or ground rules? The financials being separated feels like he is laying track for divorce, but many others here have come back from that and ended the separation and restarted the marriage.

I think it is very different mindset when the separation is initiated by the BS. Have you asked him what his intentions are?

anoldlion posted 10/15/2019 20:49 PM

The opera isn't over until the fat lady sings. In waitedwaytoolong's situation the fat lady sang. In your situation, she hasn't sung yet. I do wish you well.

Itsallmyfault posted 10/16/2019 04:01 AM

IAMF, if you haven’t already, you should check out the Betrayed Menz thread in I Can Relate. Some of those BHs R’ed after separation and some have their stories posted. It’ll take a little legwork too in reviewing profiles, but something tells me you are up for a challenge. That said, it’d be reading only because I don’t think you can post in that thread because it’s for BHs only

I have had a read through there, and reconciliation board, and JFO. But i'll do a bit more digging in regards to finding more stories about separation/divorce not being the end of the relationship. Thank you. It won't change anything for me and XBS, sometimes it's just nice to read positive stories.

We get together once a week and communicate in between. I have space, and the pressure to R or to "get better faster" is not there.

I"m not sure if we will R or D, but I have space to breath and think, and he knows he can live on his own.

Tallgirl, I'm so sorry for your pain. But I am glad you have found strength and space, and the pressure is off for you to make a hard and fast decision. Maybe this is the same for my XBS.

The opera isn't over until the fat lady sings. In waitedwaytoolong's situation the fat lady sang. In your situation, she hasn't sung yet. I do wish you well.

It doesn't feel over. It doesn't feel like the end. We are still too entwined. Still have so much more room to grow from this experience and come out stronger and better. I still have hope. Even if it is false hope, it still gets me through the day right now.

Itsallmyfault posted 10/16/2019 04:17 AM

I think it depends on the reason for the separation. We separated as a negotiated alternative to the divorce I wanted. She pleaded not to start official proceeding, so I agreed. The thing was I wanted to divorce, and ultimately separate, to combat the sense of injustice I felt. She was very remorseful, and the separation kind of blindsided by it so I felt a lot of guilt. But I just couldn't get past what she had done.

Reason for the separation that he gave, was that he felt so angry at what I had done, and wasn't sure he could ever get over it. We are not M despite our 2 children and 10 year relationship, so when I say separation, I mean broken up/moved out. The day before that he told me he had never loved me as much as he did at that moment. So I know he must have been really caught between a rock and a hard place. He said he'd been thinking of making that call for some months, that the mind movies fucked with him too much. So it wasn't a trial separation or him needing space. He wanted out.

I also didn't think it was fair that she got to experience a sexual relationship outside the marriage, and I was just supposed to eat it. I was very clear that I would be seeing other women during the separation , and I did. I just didnt want to do it as a married guy. We also continued to have sex, although when it became clear to me that when there was now way back, i put a stop to that. I did move away during the separation as not to crap on her in our backyard, and didnt go with any of her friends, who surprisingly were willing to throw her under the bus.

So the start of our split, he was very distant, going out more, drinking, spending time with his single female friend for drinks and dinner, I think doing the same as you. Trying to find himself as a single man. What I did rocked his world and maybe that feeling of getting "out" there helped him initially. But he has also stopped doing that as of last couple of weeks. He'll get back home from work, eat, then call to speak to me and kids. Text throughout evening or call me to chat. Comes round 2/3 times a week and often stays late with me to watch a movie, eat dinner etc. He goes out no more than once a week now and it's usually with work colleagues or his guy friends. I don't know what happened with his female friend. I don't know if he wants to be single or just wants time.

What are the ground rules for your separation? Is it to give you guys space, or does he, or you, intend to live a single life while separated. Is there a time frame, or ground rules? The financials being separated feels like he is laying track for divorce, but many others here have come back from that and ended the separation and restarted the marriage.

I think it is very different mindset when the separation is initiated by the BS. Have you asked him what his intentions are?

Not alot of communication on this front. Which I know is bad. At first - the separation as he put it was final. Over. Never could see us being together again. This was during him cutting me out and going out alot. I gave him space, tried to be what he needed me to be. Worked quietly on myself with IC and meditation etc etc. Then he started to want to hang out more. Call more. Stay later, and later, and later when visiting. I questioned what was happening and it seemed to send him into a panic, told me he shouldn't have been giving me mixed signals and pulled away again. I told him I will be here if he ever changes his mind, and that I love him. Not long after that he started coming back over, calling texting, being intimate... and since it's gone back to that place, I guess I've been too scared to ask the question. Are we attempting R? Does he just miss me and enjoys brief moments of normality but ultimately this is final? I don't intend to live a "single life" whatsoever. He seemed like he wanted to but now doesn't? First month of split, he said he couldn't ever see him being with me again. The next time I asked him (2nd time he pulled away) he answered with, that he doesn't know what the future holds. With the financials it's not everything, just things it seems he needs personally like his car and credit cards etc. But utilities is still mixed between the both of us, and I did have to bring it up the other day about putting things in order for legality reasons, and he didn't seem to find it urgent or want to deal with it at that moment. So we've left it, I don't want to push him on it because it will seem like this is what I want, which I really don't.
Sorry for the ramblings. Trying to find way of answering your questions when I don't actually know a definitive answer. I'm reading between the lines right now because there are no set ground rules, time period, a whole lot of love and affection, but I don't want to scare him off.

waitedwaytoolong posted 10/16/2019 19:49 PM

The fact that you have young children should help this. Not that they are pawns, but he will probably be drawn back to a family life. When he comes back, it’s not to be with just you, but to a lifestyle he probably loved.

Frankly, I doubt I would have ever left if my kids were younger. I was on the fence about leaving, and if my daughters were younger that would have tipped the scales.

I left because I could. Kids grown, financially ok, I even had a second home to move to so it wasn’t like I even had to rent anything and buy furniture.

Plenty of people here have stayed for the kids, and when they grow up find they like their life and never leave. The fact is he is coming around and the experience together is positive. Again, when I would come around or she would during the separation, it was just us, and pretty awkward.

I wish you luck. Nothing about this is easy. From his perspective it sucks to leave and sucks to stay. Just try to keep the staying part not sucking so much, and hopefully it turns from not sucking to good again

RedHeadTemper posted 10/20/2019 21:14 PM

BS here. Ashesofkali said it best. Right now I'm in limbo. Getting strength. I want to sperate. I think it helps clear the fog on both sides. I think in separation, I'll look at my WW's desire and changes and see if I want to risk it again or if i like being on my own. Si says it best when they say it takes both spouces to R. Separation helps clear the head and distractions to see if both partners really want it. If you are a WS and decide that you want to try R, you need to communicate and make lots of changes very fast. I think BS's need to see those changes. BS's need to feel valued, that they're not second best or plan B. BS's are sick of that and S is a sign that they value themselves now and are fed up with the bull.
I will need to see remorse, changes, chasing after me and initiative in things before I will commit to R.

Itsallmyfault posted 11/6/2019 15:46 PM

Editing original post because I've read it back and it reads very woe is me. It might still read that way after edit but I'm not sure how to proceed.

Quick update: We are seeing eachother every weekend, and he stays over. We are intimate regularly. He holds me hand. I kiss him. He bought some food and cooked us both dinner one night. It was wonderful. We cuddled under a duvet and watched movies. I sat in between him legs with his arms around me while we spent hours playing video games. He gave me a kiss while we were out with the children. When he's away during week for work he checks in every night. If we don't get to talk much he will sometimes ring back later at night to catch up with me.
I mentioned Christmas. Just to ask the plan. He immediately went back into separation mode. Even though when i'd asked he'd already stayed 3 nights in a row, slept together a handful of times that week and been very much like a "couple"
I think any talk of plans, that regards our future seems to remind him we shouldn't be together and puts a hault in our progress, so should I just stop asking? I'm happy to just stay like we are, because I love spending time with him. Maybe he genuinely is just happy to spend time with me when he wants to and feels like he can, and not have the stress of being in a relationship anymore

[This message edited by Itsallmyfault at 4:15 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

RedHeadTemper posted 11/6/2019 21:28 PM

It's all my fault,

I don't know your full story. I read your A story, but don't know what you're currently don't to help him heal. I assume you're doing the work on yourself and for him. It's good that your seperated. Treat it like a dance and follow his lead. Just like you mentioned, you talk about the future and he shuts down. So don't talk about the future. He's still processing and is probably in shock. It's probably harder for him because he is genuinely having a great time on your date and weekends. Be good, be patient, be there for him when he needs it, and don't be there for him when he doesn't want it.

I think it's a good sign that he's having fun. It's hard to leave a marraige where things are good. I suspect he's still questioning or processing the fact that you were raped, didn't know it, then went back to your abuser and complied. It would be hard for me to believe had I not been betrayed by my wife, was in denial, and went back to her for support. Sending you hugs and hope things get better. Treat him good. Be intimate when it's there and show him you love him. A nice thing my wife does for me is she takes the kids for a few hours so I can have time to myself. That time is very valuable for me.

The only other advice I can give is your giving off the vibe that you want to know what your next step is or you're looking for hope that things will work out. I wouldn't recommend that. With things you say or do it can seem manipulative. Rather than asking about Christmas, or next move, just say that you're there for as long as it takes. Be patent and show him that he's worth waiting for.

LoneRaven posted 11/13/2019 15:43 PM

I am a BS 5 years past Dday. We never S just started R right away. To be honest the 1st year is a complete blur and I should not have been making any long term decision because I was barely functioning. For me S was never an option. It would have made me think he was out doing everything with everyone without having to own up to it. If he would have asked I would have just filled for D. Everyone is different though. Does the A ever stop hanging over you? Not really in my case but it is no longer crippling. I can think about everything without a breakdown and go days not even remembering it happened. There are many long term psychological affects that would take to long to get into and I am not the same person I was before and don’t feel the same way about love marriage or humanity in general. Overall 5 years later I would say I’m happy enough.

Itsallmyfault posted 11/19/2019 16:32 PM

WS - I need help. I want to give him space. I need to give him space. We are in a weird limbo. I truly appreciate him wanting to spend time with me. We are so good right now. Best friends and lovers. But separated and living apart. We talk and connect like we are in a relationship. He stays over. We hold hands. We kiss. He cooks. I cook. We spend time as a family but also time alone together. We’ve been on couple of dates.

There’s no label on what we have now. We haven’t said we are attempting R. We haven’t said we are even seeing each other or dating. To me I’m completely invested in this as I should be. I’m still working on myself and fixing all my issues one at a time. I try to keep him updated where I feel a new thought process or break through. Any realisation or fact I may have missed or not explained enough. He seems happy to talk about any of this and said IC seemed really good for me to deal with my own issues.

But because we are not together I am stuck between knowing I need to give him space, he works away and will go out drinking, not get in touch, answer texts or calls etc. It’s his right, my head knows that, but it’s so hard to teach myself how to give him his own space. Not to cross his boundaries. I feel like we’re together so it then feels so empty when I don’t hear from him for a few nights while he’s enjoying his life. How do I just accept what I have with him which is more than I ever thought I deserved, how do I let him go and be free and not pester him because I want to catch up about the kids or work or just see how he’s doing

How do I stop being so needy and dependant. I’ve tried reading up on codependency and journaling my thoughts as to keep my feelings and emotions to myself but I’m just laying here waiting for a text that will never come and probably won’t be able to sleep as that’s what I always do when I don’t know where he is. I never learned how to just be me. To be alone. We got together at 16 when I still lived at home with family. I think I started to be ok with my own company when we were Low contact at start of breakup but now we have a good thing together the codependency has come back - NOT that I want to return to that!! I’m so grateful to have more I just want to be able to let him go a bit better