"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

taken4granted posted 10/11/2019 06:41 AM

Update - So I'm married again. And the man that I've married is so completely different from my EXWH. The other day, he said he started wearing a watch because he doesn't want to be late picking the girls up from practices. He hadn't worn a watch in years, but he doesn't want to disappoint.

I know to some of you, this isn't a big deal, but to us, it's huge. My ex didn't pick up or drop the kids off at practices. He considered that my job. If I needed to be in two places at the same time, he told me that I needed to make arrangements with mom friends to get the girls places. He just couldn't be bothered. What a difference when you are married to someone who isn't selfish. Can you imagine, a man that isn't the father of these girls doesn't want to disappoint, but their own dad, feels that they he doesn't need to shoulder any of this responsibility. WOW.... That's all I can say.

So after my new husband said that he wears a watch now, I started to cry. I realized that he loves these girls so much more than their own dad. Last weekend, my youngest decided she wanted to dress like her new step dad for fun. He loved it. They are really cute together.

Sure, my ex shows up for games so he can be seen there and take pictures for facebook, but even when he takes a day off from work, he doesn't offer to drive them to or from practices. So nothing has changed, and the girls understand that he just isn't capable of loving anyone else more than himself.

So just to add to this thought, I was sitting at work yesterday and one of my male coworkers (who's really young) said he didn't know if he wanted kids. Another guy in his 20s said kids are a game changer. At first, he said they just poop in their pants and cry, but then they start talking and walking. He went on to say, then you start shopping for things and you can't wait to give these things to your kids. Kids change everything from being about me to being about them. I couldn't help but think wow, this guy gets it. He's more grown up than my ex who's got a couple decades on him.

EvenKeel posted 10/11/2019 07:33 AM

I realized that he loves these girls so much more than their own dad.

This is sad. I have a similar situation (although ex never even shows up for stuff). But my SO has gone above and beyond for my DD. It has been great for her. She didn't have that type of relationship for her own father and to see her be able to actually trust a man has been tremendous.

While your post is sad about the R your children have with their father. It is heart warming to see yet another person step up to be the person those children need unselfishly.

Kudos to your new H (and you).

Mamabear1 posted 10/11/2019 09:49 AM

Aweeeee!!! That is sooo sweet! I hope I find a man like that someday!

WhoTheBleep posted 10/11/2019 11:50 AM

I love this post. I'm so happy for you taken4granted!!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 11:51 AM, October 11th (Friday)]

sassylee posted 10/11/2019 12:34 PM

Wow T4G! What an update! Tell me...how did the exWH take your getting remarried? He must be beside himself!

Phoenix1 posted 10/13/2019 01:10 AM

Congrats, T4G! I wish you all the very best!

taken4granted posted 10/14/2019 06:13 AM

Sassy - I don't know how he took it. I sent him a message informing him that I'd remarried and haven't really heard anything more from him. He doesn't talk about it with the girls that I know of. But he did by accident send a text to my youngest about getting hot and bothered. I'm sure that was for one of his girlfriends. LOL. The girls have been making fun of it ever since.

I also had a woman talk to me over the weekend at the girls' cross country meet. The girls told me later that she was one of his creepy lady friends. I'll give them that she was strange, but after seeing his true colors, I don't expect anything but strange from him.

sassylee posted 10/15/2019 18:15 PM

Good for you TG4. It sounds like you could give seminars on how to divorce a narc because you’re sure doing something right!

Maudlin posted 10/16/2019 07:54 AM

Taken4granted, you need to change you name! Because you never will be again.

I’m so happy you found a decent guy. I do think there are more of them out there than not actually. We just had the bad luck to run into the losers.

patientlywaiting posted 11/16/2019 20:58 PM

T4G, I'm so glad you've found some normalcy in IRL. I hope to be like your husband someday. I have one daughter but would love more kids. He sounds like a solid guy with the best intentions. Congrats to you. It can be such a shit sandwich that we have to eat as a BS. Good luck to you.

MakingMyFuture posted 11/17/2019 14:02 PM

My kids love their dad and enjoy his company but they have figured out on their own what his priorities are. He only had them two weekends a month and every other holiday (divorces 5 years but every other holiday for two). He emailed me explaining that he wanted to spend thanksgiving and NY (his holidays) with his girlfriend out of state. My last kid just turned 14. I committed to them that when they were 14 they have a voice in the eyes of the law and I would support and fight for anything they want. I had to email and explain to him that the kids are old enough to have say, they wanted thanksgiving with their dad without his freaky girlfriend or her annoying kids otherwise they were not going. I suggested that given their age he only has a few years left before they leave for college and that he should consider putting his kids needs before his own wants. The kids also spoke with him separately. So he is reluctantly staying for thanksgiving and spending it with his kids. Of course not the entire week they have off school but at least for two days (which of course means I can’t go anywhere but I’m fine with that.. I’m glad my kids have developed their own voice and I can advocate for what they want now instead of feeling like the kids are pawns)

So the funny thing is, my best friend from childhood and her Boyfiend have been living with us. The boyfriend is the polar opposite of my x. He is outgoing and kind and generous and loving to his own kids and to others. So my son asked for an Axe for his birthday (because the best friends boyfriend taught him how to use one and chop up tree branches). It was an affordable gift so I got him a man toolbelt as well. My son was soooo excited. To be like the boyfriend, not his own dad who is a master carpenter/home builder by trade and to my knowledge has never taught his son a single thing in his trade. The x saw the toolbelt and the excitement and thought it was for him.

Same situation, Daughter wants to drive a big consteuction style truck when she turns 16. He thinks it’s to be like him. She explained privately it was because when I drove a big truck and people were shocked to see a little woman get out of something so tough. She wants a truck so she can feel like me, not her dad.

I’m not correcting any of these perceptions, it serves no one. But it’s comforting to know that my kids want to model and be like the people they know who love them and have good values.

[This message edited by MakingMyFuture at 2:06 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]