"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

myturntohurt posted 10/7/2019 20:46 PM

Hubby has been gone two months, 7 days so far. Sometimes we get along, sometimes we don't. We started really missing each other and we went out to dinner and had a good, brief, evening recently.
I brought my best behavior and didn't bring his EA up.
Well, that was supposed to be over. I called her two months ago at work (they work together most of the day long), and asked her to get out of my marriage while we tried to figure things out.I said we have been through hard times before, and made it through. I was so nice. I said I didn't think it was appropriate that they did anything together outside of work again, hiking, nothing. She agreed. She said there was no EA going on. She is an upstanding women. High morals, etc.
Well about a week ago I asked for the password for our phone records, I legit needed it. But of course, also, couldn't wait to check out his activities. I had no idea of her phone number but I chose all the ones from a certain area code, that were made after work. It didn't take me long to pinpoint her number. To me, this is major sleuthing. I'm not so savvy this way. In the two months, after work, they talked maybe 10 times, one at 9:30 for 30 minutes!? I asked hubby to come over after work. When he got here I confronted him. He said, yes, they talk, she's his friend, they're only friends. So, I text her. I told her I've seen the phone records, they are talking, and I do.not.appreciate.it.
This is what she texted back:

"This conversation will stay between us, woman to woman. Are there feelings? There are. Are we going to act on them, we are not. Period. We both have too much respect for each other and all parties involved to do that. I will not be involved and I told him as much. I don't want a relationship with someone who isn't completely available in every sense of the word. I have told him exactly that. I hope this helps alleviate your concerns. Best of luck to you through this."

They without a doubt though, they had "likes (lust?) going on. She lied when I asked her if they were having an EA had something going. I just don't know the particulars. You're probably thinking, her note doesn't make it sound like anything was happening but she did cross boundaries. He told her early on in the summer that I was a cheater and that he was unhappily married. After that she continued doing things with him, until hubby moved out and I made that first call. Then she thought it ok to talk late at night for 30 minutes. So, she knows it, and hubby knows it, that if the two of us divorce, he'll have her. That doesn't help any kind of reconciliation in my book. He said something like, "you have made SURE there will be nothing going on between us", almost like he was mad. I emailed her again and in no uncertain terms told her I know about the phone calls and that if she talks to him one more time after work, I'm telling their boss what's going on. Very inappropriate in a small office where everyone has known me for years. Company server too, ha! I'm sure she's petrified. Hubby said they had a talk and she told him she was completely staying out of this. He probably told her he was sorry his wife was harassing her, and whatever else, who knows. I told him no more contact until the concert, Oct. 19th. I said he's continuing to keep his channel open for her and that I really want my space right now. This upsets him and he calls me. We talk. We fight. He says he LOVES me, he LIKES her. He said he was coming back, If, and "his counselor agrees with him" I told him everything, EVERYTHING. I have absolutely nothing left to tell him. I offered a poly, would love to take one, but he doesn't accept them. So, since I have nothing else to tell him, and he will never believe me, he's not coming back. And now, I'm not going to believe him. I told him what he needs to do is get laid. He needs it so bad. I don't care about "strange" right now, he needs to build his confidence back, I just care about HER.
He's been going to counseling. I am just starting counseling up myself, big time!
Can't wait to start. I just started reading Phil McGraw's "Relationship Rescue". Maybe this book will help, others have not. Have I over reacted terribly, like normal? I do not feel so but you guys are the experts! Thanks

EvolvingSoul posted 10/7/2019 23:11 PM

Didn't you guys have an agreement when you separated that either of you could see other people?

Is his relationship with her outside of the bounds of that agreement?

myturntohurt posted 10/8/2019 01:48 AM

EvolvingSoul,
Thanks. Yes we did but she's his EA from work. That's off limits in my book while "reconciling".

I told him to go get some strange! That is totally different than the woman at work.

ChangeMe1 posted 10/8/2019 02:06 AM

Hi,

I'm not sure if I'd say over reacting is the right word but I would question how your handling it.

You guys have separated, his choices are his own. The knowledge that he is choosing to potentially pursue a relationship with some one else must be devastating (my wife and i are separated and that idea would devastate me as well) however it is his choice. It's yours to set your own boundaries.

If his behaviour is unacceptable to you, your allowed to tell him that, and your allowed to hold that boundary, but he is allowed to make his choices and if his choice is to pursue someone else then that should tell you where your separation stands.

I'm not sure contacting the woman in this instance is appropriate, I may be wrong but it doesn't particularly sound like he is hiding this from you? I think realisticly this is a conversation between the two of you, does he want to pursue something further with her, does his current behaviour cross a line for you? Then tell him that and let him make his choices.

If he choose to pursue it then your choices are to accept that choice and move forward focusing on you, or accept that choice and move forward with hope that he may come back to you anyway, or not accept it and make the choice to end the possibility of any together future yourself.

I'm not sure of your full story, but you are on the WS side so it's safe to assume you had an affair, he is now working through his recovery, the fact you have separated shows that the marriage recovery has not gone well. I think now you need to allow that he has the freedom to make his own choices and you can't control them, you can only make your own choices and hope they demonstrate how important he is to you.

As much as the thought destroys me inside, if my wife told me that what was best for her was to seek or engage in a new relationship, as hard as it would be I would, i think, have to accept that is what she had decided is best for her, and as I want what's best for her I would take solace in that. I can't know for certain how I would react but at this moment I think I would still move forward trying to be the best me, and hope that perhaps there may be another opportunity to be with her down the road. I also know that is easy to type but would be he to live through.

Zugzwang posted 10/8/2019 08:00 AM

Did he agree that she would be off limits during separation? You told him what to do. With his separation. I don't think it works that way. At least not with him. Why should he do what you tell him to do? If anything it is probably making him do exactly the opposite of doing what you tell him to do after cheating on him and then separating. You are focusing too much on the AP. Is she really any different than who you once was?

myturntohurt posted 10/8/2019 08:55 AM

ChangeMe1

Yes. I know what you're saying. I am putting too much into the work "reconciliation. It just occurred to me. This is a Separation and unfortunately it's a good time to check out other possibilities before making up your mind to come home. I think he would shit bricks if I searched for my AP of six years ago. I know my hands are tied because those two work together. He told me to date too. I HAVE a blind date, lunch, Saturday. I was upfront about my situation and he said he was just looking for someone to hang out with too. Maybe a distraction is just what I need to get this marriage off my mind. The difference is, to me, is she is a real threat because they "have feelings" for each other. I just have to face the facts here! It is hurtful, I'm jealous of her, just as hubby was jealous of my AP.

myturntohurt posted 10/8/2019 09:06 AM

Hi Zugswag

I know, you're right, he has no obligation to do as I wish. He's leading me on though, tossing crumbs of hope. When I have NC with him, I do so much better, but then one of us breaks down, because we miss each other, and then we usually end up in an argument. My girlfriend said, just block him, but I can't block my husband. I have told him to leave me alone right now but he comes up with reasons to text. I know, in my heart of hearts, that he should leave me, but its just so hard. Instead of sitting here with my feelings, I would rather hang out with a male, and that would be my distraction. I certainly would calm down then. I signed up for a dating site and got hits immediately. The difference, to me, is that mine would be a distraction, a cool friend, and his would be a possible new life partner. This fence is really hurting right now!

myturntohurt posted 10/8/2019 09:08 AM

Zugswag,

Also, you asked how different is she than I was. She far more mature, and a better person,as you can read from her text to me. She won't act on her feelings. I did six years ago.

ChangeMe1 posted 10/8/2019 09:09 AM

Obviously you need to make your own choices and do what is right by you. Have g said that I would strongly advise you cancel that "blind date "

Your husbands actions are telling you he isn't sure about the future and may well want something different than your marriage.

How do you feel? If you want somethi g different, go on the date, if you are sure you want your marriage then why would you?

Since our separation I've been living a largely solitary life, not through some kind of enforced seclusion but simply by my choices, I want my marriage, i want to spend the rest of my life with my wife. I simply don't want to consider anyone else and have no need of anyone else in my life right now.

Sure I have long established male friends I speak to, and male work colleagues, but the only regular female interaction I have is the dog walker (who by nature of the job is never really here when I am). I have no need or desire for female companionship aside from the desire to be with my wife.

Listen I'm just a random nobody from the internet but to me, agreeing to, let alone actually going on a blind date says "I want that" not "I want my husband back"

JBWD posted 10/8/2019 10:56 AM

Myturn-
I see a lot of poorly articulated/framed trial separations on SI- I can (and have done so!) honestly say that one of the ONLY things I have done right in the past year is taken the time to think through (and then draft) some very clear thoughts into a separation agreement. It was a great thought exercise to really force me to think through exactly what I was doing, and what I wanted.

I think you’re still very reactive, and I suggest slowing down your thoughts a little bit.

On the subject of your BH, you want him to pursue empty physical sex, but fostering an emotional intimate bond is, in your mind, unacceptable? Why is that? To the outside observer it appears that you’re trying to limit the variables to the point where you can agree to a separation only with some guarantee that it will end with reconciliation. I don’t think (and you acknowledged as much) that’s a reasonable expectation.

Regarding your blind date, I think you’ve seen enough in the time you’ve been on here to understand that the recovery from infidelity takes time. And rushing it does nothing but further the likelihood that you can further hurt someone else, almost certainly hurt yourself (as your screen name suggests.) I also suggest canceling this blind date. Take the time to start examining who you are- It appears that there’s a lot you still need to examine about who YOU are. Then once that’s sunk in, you can start assessing where you believe your future is regarding partners.

I think you need to deeply examine wanting to hurt. It’s a natural tendency to try and shortcut absolution, one that’s common in new posters (“Please be brutally honest, I deserve it.”) who have a ways to understand where the pain and damage lives in this scenario. Let go of the outcome, start examining you, and build the patience to become a safe option if that’s what the fit holds.

Zugzwang posted 10/8/2019 10:56 AM

The difference, to me, is that mine would be a distraction,

For how long? Till feelings develop and more attraction? Your separated husband is just doing exactly what you did. What you would probably do if you start dating again. Honestly, I just don't get having a separation and dating. Really, what good will come of it? Leading other people on outside of the marriage? Acting like you are available when you aren't till you feel safe enough to leave because you did find something better. Doesn't sound too healthy. Only leaving because there is a soft cushion to land on for two people that can't function alone. You are like a dog with a bone right now. You are a mess because there are no absolutes. Maybe he is just giving you a taste of your own medicine on purpose? After all the shoe did drop with him. It went beyond their being an absolute. You proved he wasn't enough. Is he the type to do this out of spite? Is it that he really doesn't know what he wants?

myturntohurt posted 10/8/2019 15:32 PM

Zuswang,

I AM a mess because there are no absolutes, you're right. I did say straight up to the guy, "hey there, pass me up if you want but I am just looking for someone to have fun with. I separated from my husband two months ago and we are uncertain of our future." He wrote back, "That's exactly what I'm looking for! Never tried this online dating stuff and figured it couldn't hurt. You look like a fun person to hang out with". I wouldn't lead anyone on, I have learned a lot on this group, a lot. I want to be very honest with everyone now. Husband and I told each other to date, see how you like your new life. It's not spite, I wouldn't even bring it up, if he doesn't ask. If we get back together and we go over notes on what we did and didn't do, I would certainly tell him I had a date here and there, like he can. I know it seems hypocritical to be upset with him, but he was establishing something and keeping channels open with her. They "like" each other. Why am I even waiting? But, he took me back to see if we could work it out; I'll wait for him to make his decision, and would take him back, except for, this time, we would REALLY work on the marriage. This could be couples' rock bottom and major wake-up call, or he might not feel that way and only time with tell. I hate this time.

FoenixRising posted 10/8/2019 15:47 PM

This is quite complicated. You need to work on you. You haven’t let go of the outcome. You’re trying to control the situation when the only person you have control over is YOU. Make better choices for yourself. He needs to figure out what he needs to do. All you can do is say, I’ll be here when you’re ready and I love you.

He deserves happiness. You deserve happiness. it’s ok to say it’s over.

zooom posted 10/8/2019 16:13 PM

You know just because you're separated doesn't mean you have to take up the offer of seeing other people. I don't know if you're still angling for reconciliation, but it would probably have a higher chance of success if you didn't see other people. It's only been two months and you're already out there.

myturntohurt posted 10/8/2019 16:30 PM

Ok, I get it. I really do. I'll stick with my female friends. I can't wait to start my counseling, (as good as my friends are)!!!

ChangeMe1 -
Thank you too for your thoughtful response. I agree with what you said.

Separations suck.

ChangeMe1 posted 10/8/2019 17:08 PM

Out of curiosity, what do you "get", and I don't mean that confrontational, I'm not asking you to prove you understand other people's opinions, I'm intrigued to know what you've taken from this thread, what you were thinking, what your thinking now, how has it changed?

How do you feel now about his actions? About yours?

It's easy to vent here when we are emotional, to demand answers to things we are frustrated by, that we don't understand (see the amount of times I've spilled my emotional overloads here for evidence) but if you can keep going, keep working this through when the 'crisis ' is over it may help to dig into your thoughts and center how you are feeling inside.

Lostgirl410 posted 10/8/2019 18:09 PM

For what it's worth...

When I read your words in your posts, I see someone whose words don't match her emotions. It seems as though you're trying to convince yourself you are okay with this separation. Maybe it's even a form of self punishment?

I don't think you're (really) okay with your H going and getting laid by some random any more than you're okay with him continuing his communications with his EAP. I think you're terrified. You know you've done wrong by him, and here is this woman standing in front of him who you believe is better than yourself. If he explores with her it brings your worst nightmare one step closer to coming true. Maybe if he just sleeps with someone you can convince yourself is inferior...you'll still have a chance.

Stop.

1. You're creating a self fulfilling prophecy here by putting this woman on such a high moral pedestal. This is the same woman who continues to have a relationship/friendship with a married man while VERY AWARE doing so sabotages your chances of R. Not only that, but has pretty much admitted she's waiting for him to D you before she swoops in and acts on those "feelings."

2. What happens when "random lay" turns out to be someone he thinks he likes more than you and EAP all together?

3. You clearly don't want to be separated, and need to stop letting the fear of the outcome prevent you from having your own boundaries. Poor boundaries are part if what led you to become a WW. What makes you think they will help you now?

You need to sit him down, tell him you don't truly want this separation, and ask him to come back. Tell him you want to heal as a team instead of see how many more hurts can be piled on an already beyond fragile marriage. It's not fair, but allowing him to "sew some oats" will not even your score. It won't help him trust you again, and will only drive a further wedge between you. Also, DO NOT GO ON ANY DATES YOURSELF.

He may say no, and as terrifying as that is, you need to give him that chance. Maybe I'm way off base, but it really does seem like you're projecting your own wayward thought patterns on to him. Remember R is a gift. Gifts do not make the recipient indebted to the giver. Likewise, the reciever cannot force it to be given. Attempting to control the separation only sends him mixed signals.

NotSureAboutIt posted 10/9/2019 15:02 PM

Listen to LostGirl410. You should absolutely NOT date. You stepped out of the marriage. If you want your BS back, tell him so. With your words and your actions. Don’t encourage him to “get some strange.” Become the better spouse you want to be. Ask for his forgiveness. Let him deal with the pain you caused him.

Justsomelady posted 10/9/2019 15:10 PM

Agree that telling your husband to go get some is not going to help him feel like you really want him back. You’re just asking him to “get even” with you in a base sense.

Take a step back. Focus on the essentials, keeping yourself calm and reassuring him. He wants to know you are there for him and safe for him to trust. Definitely do not date st this point, totally wrong message plus you sound all over the place emotionally and it would be a bad idea.

myturntohurt posted 10/10/2019 10:50 AM

Thank you SO much all. I mean it. I am going to start a new thread because I'm going to admit what I feel 75% of the time. I am so f*d up. I don't really want my husband reading anything I write. He got kicked off here 6 years ago for whatever reason I don't know. He does still read occasionally I think.