HeartBreaker11 posted 10/2/2019 16:52 PM

My divorce was final last week. My ex-husband contacted me a few days ago to discuss visiting with my daughter (not his biological child...and the same child that he has ignored and refused to see or talk to since we moved out in June).

Then he went ahead and dropped the bomb that he "isn't mad at me for cheating anymore," and felt the need to confess that he had also been unfaithful various times throughout our train wreck of a marriage. He is still seeing this woman now, and she has moved into what used to be my house that I let him keep because I felt so guilty about what I did.

I think I handled this well and just kind of said I was happy for him that he has moved on. I didn't know what else to say.

I'm not angry at him for cheating. I am angry at him for playing the victim, scorned husband for months after catching me in my affair when all the while he knew he was off doing the same thing. He told my entire family about my cheating. He told my young daughter. He let me get raked over the coals by everybody in my life and was happy to blame me for the ending of our marriage when meanwhile he was doing the same thing, and had been throughout our marriage and for longer. When he found out I was dating someone new (not someone I cheated on him with), he acted so hurt about me moving on.

And no, I know his behavior doesn't excuse mine. I still own what I did.

I just needed to vent about this.

crazyblindsided posted 10/2/2019 17:09 PM

How convenient of him to tell you this after the D

Maybe he should alert the kids that he did the same thing only multiple times. That the woman he is seeing now is the same woman he was seeing while you were M'd so technically his AP.

You have every right to be upset about this. He's being a hypocrite!

leavingorbit posted 10/2/2019 19:13 PM

Hi there, I have a few questions. Are you in IC? Have you tried attending any Al-Anon or CoDA meetings? I’m reading a lot of resentment in your post and I’m wondering if you’re equipping yourself with tools to work through that.

Justsomelady posted 10/2/2019 20:22 PM

He’s a monster.

Darkness Falls posted 10/2/2019 21:43 PM

What an ass. Good riddance. Onto a better life!

Pippin posted 10/3/2019 08:18 AM

I’m sorry to hear that Heartbreaker. I imagine his pain at your affair was real and he made the choices he did for typical wayward reasons - avoiding accountability, avoiding difficult emotions, etc. And he might have done it deliberately to punish you. It’s all a big pile of hurt and unfairness and broken hearts, on both sides.

I imagine you have enormous feelings. Are you finding healthy ways to address them? Do you need ideas? Or just a place to express how unhappy you are at the moment?

(I know you don’t want to hear this but dating right now is probably not a great idea - not because you don’t deserve and need love and warmth and affection, but because your choices right now will reflect where you are right now, not where you want to be in the future. Just had to say it, sorry for the uncooked-for advice)

NotSureAboutIt posted 10/6/2019 21:06 PM

Sorry, but it does not change the fact that you cheated on him. Just move on with your life.

Justsomelady posted 10/6/2019 22:20 PM

She didn’t say it did. Still can devastate her. She owned her shit and was generous with him and wanted to make it up to him,m (obv not possible but still), gave him the house etc etc. And then he did it too but just wasn’t honest. And he had the nerve to punish her and out her while he did the same damn thing. She was honest and remorseful. I think her pain is valid.

Just move on is some seriously insensitive commentary here.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 10:42 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

leavingorbit posted 10/7/2019 05:35 AM

I feel NSAI’s post could have been phrased more compassionately. As Pippin said, there is hurt on both sides here. Heartbreaker will need to process her hurt and resentment to heal and get out of a victim position and into empowerment. From reading her post history, she still seems to struggle with taking full ownership of her actions and is dealing with a lot of retroactive pain from her choice to stay in a marriage that sounds toxic. Her ex husband’s choices are his choices. I guess I thought wayward side was for fixing us as wayward, not for focusing on blaming our BSes. Her ex is still betrayed. I struggle a lot with the lines of betrayal and resentment in my situation, too, and truly believe that it’s always more empowering/healthy to focus on what we can do, instead of keeping our attention on the “one down” position. Not to mention not treating our spouses as enemies or villains when ultimately they own their actions just like we’re supposed to. Developing compassion is key, especially if you’ve cheated and become abusive yourself. JMO.

Heartbreaker, if you’re still reading, are you addressing these feelings in IC? What are you doing to empower yourself? There’s a lot of big emotions involved in processing all of this crap out of your system and I hope you have a good support network to help you.

HeartBreaker11 posted 10/7/2019 16:51 PM

Heartbreaker, if you’re still reading, are you addressing these feelings in IC?

I am working on resentment and letting go with my IC.

In addition, I am taking a divorce class and that has been helpful as well.

This week has been a good week. After the initial shock of his confession, I see it as confirmation that the decision to divorce was a good choice, even if there were a lot of bad choices and hurt caused on the way there (on both of our ends).

I still have a ton of work to do on myself and lots of healing, but I am moving forward slowly.