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Seperated

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GamerJoe posted 10/1/2019 15:24 PM

I've decided to separate from my wife of 8 years. While she hadn't had a physical affair there were several occurrences of inappropriate behaviour including flirting, disrespect, sexting and poor boundaries.

We have no children, little assets and/or debt. I secured a place and will move in the last of my things this evening. I'm sad, but I can't live the rest of my life feeling insecure or babysitting my wife.

She doesn't want this, and I truly believe deep down she isn't a bad person. Even if she never cheats again, it'll always be on my mind and I hate that I have to check to see if she is where she says she is, or if she is messaging other men.

I wish her the best, and we are going to do a do it your self divorce, and file.

[This message edited by GamerJoe at 3:27 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]

LilBlackCat posted 10/1/2019 19:25 PM

I'm sorry you had to end up with that realization.

I would start by separating your finances, paycheck deposits and your money.

Since there are no real reasons to keep yourself in contact with her.. I would keep any contact with her strictly about the divorce and that's it..

Step back from things and let yourself heal..

Good luck.

ff4152 posted 10/1/2019 20:10 PM

Gamerjoe

I read through both of your threads and have a question; after you divorce, do you see a way back for the two of you? If she works on herself and fixes whatever is broken in her, would that offer a window of opportunity for you two to reconnect?

HalfTime2017 posted 10/1/2019 20:40 PM

Don't be hard on yourself Gamer. With no children involved your best bet is to D. A Divorce is challenging whether there is infidelity involved or not, so don't be hard on yourself or think you failed. You didn't, she did.

You'll see, at 31, you've got a lot of life to live. Why waste anymore time on a cheater. Once they cheat, that muck stays with you. GO 180 and keep moving forward. You're young. Go live and be happy. You'll see.

The1stWife posted 10/1/2019 20:48 PM

Iím sorry it came to this but itís not the first time and you are right, you should not be her babysitter.

rambler posted 10/1/2019 21:00 PM

Sorry this has happened. I do not see this as good versus evil, this is whether or not you two should be married.


An affair is one of the top indicators that you should not. It is very possible that she just was not ready for marriage.

GamerJoe posted 10/1/2019 21:17 PM

I'm not against reconciling in the future. She was 19 when we got married. I think we both married to young and I think we both weren't ready to be in serious relationships.

Marz posted 10/1/2019 21:53 PM

Sorry to hear this but I hope it works out best for the both of you.

Living the life of a marriage warden just isn't worth it.

Who knows maybe she'll grow up now.

Hippo16 posted 10/1/2019 22:51 PM

I also told her the next time she flirts, seats, or inappropriately interact with another man in any way I'm done. I'll file for divorce and I'll move on because I'm not spending the rest of my life looking over my shoulder wondering if my wife is going to cheat on me.

She has agreed to seek some counseling and I hope she really means it because I really want my marriage and I really don't want to have to walk away.

just read all your posts

seems both of you are:

short on tolerance for the other side not being perfect

I have a friend whose wife is a "touch me" flirt and the first time when in a social situation was awestruck that she patted my thigh. He later explained "that is the way she is" and would rip our a Samurai sword whack off my head if I took that as a "come-on"

Looking over all your posts - I sense you are very insecure having a very attractive wife - such women are "cursed" as they have to deal with getting whistled at, ogled, asked for favors, and otherwise constantly being attacked for "attention" by losers.

I would suggest you both spend some time dating (!!) and discussing how to deal with each others habits and insecurities.

also get some education - being young you have a long time (unless you like skydiving with defective parachutes) to live and you have a glass ceiling over your heads - and that will limit your furture $$$ big time.

side benifit - while you are spending time studying you won't be working on your insecurities

Honestly - I hope this perspective gives you something to think about.

last thought - good looking women learn they have "power" over men and learn how to use it for gain - ego? or $$? or for other non-sexual benefits.

I would bet she has some of this skill and is using it - from what you have posted regarding 'tips'

removed unintended/poorly chosen word

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 5:06 AM, October 5th (Saturday)]

66charger posted 10/2/2019 02:31 AM

Honestly - I hope this perspective gives you something to think about.

Basically you were told you are immature, insecure and stupid.

Which is exactly what I think of that post.

EvenKeel posted 10/2/2019 07:24 AM

I am sorry you find yourself here.

However, I am glad to see you are able to clearly determine what are dealbreakers in your relationship. Many of us get so lost in the gaslighting and wanting to believe that we spend years (or decades) hoping and checking on our partners stories.

That is no way to live.

Good luck on your new endeavors.

GamerJoe posted 10/2/2019 17:20 PM

I'm not dating anyone while I'm legally married. I'm not that type of guy. If we decide to date other people I'll make sure I'm divorced first. If I decide I want to work on my marriage between now and when we decide to officially file, then I'd only even entertain that if she agrees to not dating other people.

firenze posted 10/2/2019 18:12 PM

Honestly - I hope this perspective gives you something to think about.

All that stood out to me was blameshifting. He didn't come here until he found out his wife was being highly inappropriate with patrons at her job. He didn't come back until he caught her cheating by sexting someone at her next job. If you don't think those are perfectly just reasons to feel insecure regardless of how attractive his wife may or may not be, then I don't know what the hell you're even doing here. This is twice now in a very short span of time that she's seriously violated his trust. For you to dismiss that and suggest that he ought to be more permissive of unacceptable behavior from his wife since she has the power to leverage her looks is pretty fucking low.

How about we expect married women to act like they're married?

Marz posted 10/2/2019 19:34 PM

^^^^ exactly.

I guess expecting no nude pics to other men is just asking to much??? Really?

[This message edited by Marz at 7:34 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

GamerJoe posted 10/2/2019 23:26 PM

My wife texted me just now asking if we could do an extended separation instead because she feels like this is a rash decision. I replied and told her I was going to give her an answer tonight. I should have just said no, but the fact I didn't tells me even I'm starting to doubt myself.

Marz posted 10/3/2019 01:53 AM

You know yourself best.

Lifeitself posted 10/3/2019 02:18 AM

I also think youíre rushing a bit too much Joe. I would just take it slow and watch her actions. See how she shows you how remorseful she is. You can always make the final decision. Everyone deserves a second chance.

totallydumb posted 10/3/2019 07:01 AM

Everyone deserves a second chance.

No, everyone has a right to EARN a second chance.

Gamer, if you take the pressure off your WW, she will think you are bluffing. Ensure WW earns that second chance if you so desire. You are the prize, WW needs to earn a possible second chance or maybe she has used up all her chances.....

It is up to you to decide how much of the shit sandwich you are going to eat.

Rustylife posted 10/3/2019 11:41 AM

With cheating, the foundation of a relationship gets rocked. The belief that this person will stay even during the low times is gone. It seems like she was constantly on the lookout for your replacement. Or maybe she just has poor boundaries. First serious relationship, job where she gets tons of attention, FOMO etc.

You leave with the loss of what you thought was a life partner. She leaves the relationship full of regrets that her poor behavior caused the breakdown(if in fact this was something she really didn't want and not if it's a way of life for her).

That's fair enough I think. Sorry that you're here. I think it's the right decision. Rebuilding something new with someone else in the future is the right choice for both of you.

With you not really living with her during the trucking days, separation would be more of the same. Maybe this is the kind of relationship she wanted with you but it's not best if you want an everyday partner. It broke down real fast when you lived day to day. Maybe you're incompatible. Cutting the cord entirely is what's best for you imo.

[This message edited by Rustylife at 11:44 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

GamerJoe posted 10/3/2019 18:23 PM

I don't think she was looking for a replacement more so she liked the attention or used the attention to her benefit. Either way it's not okay with me. She has been texting me constantly, my MIL has messaged me asking to reconsider. I'm keeping contact limited. It's hard. I love her, so it makes this decision that much harder.

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