"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

RisingStrong77 posted 9/25/2019 14:34 PM

Hello. I am new to posting here. I am a former wayward, in my 1st marriage. I am remarried and the other man is the same...
He's been around for 15 years popping in and out of my life. I met him randomly as I was out shopping and the attraction was instant between us both. We began an affair and I was completely in love with him. We were addicted and saw eachother very often. I ended up leaving my marriage because I could not get over my affair partner and wanted to move to another state to break free of it all and start over.
I did start over and broke the affair off when I began to make a life for myself. Then I had a breakdown from the stress of being a single struggling mother, and former affair partner was living normally. I snapped totally after viewing social media of his wife and I outed him. Something that was very cruel of me and I regret as it was not my place to call him out on living a lie.... it was jealousy and instability and an a**hole move.
He hated me, threatened me, then went quiet. He divorced during this time and met someone else. I moved back to the area. Somehow he found out I was back and messaged me saying he forgave me. I had also met someone and we were both in committed relationships.
We began our affair again but this time it was more restricted, neither one of us really got it right that time.
I got married. He began drinking all the time after that.
I was very clear I wanted him gone from my life and that was 2016.
Now 2019 I got the text
Hi I hope you're ok I miss you I can never get you out of my head.
Like drugs i got that rush and i have not met him but we are texting and talking.
I love my husband and i don't want to have sex with other man but being in contact with him makes me feel some kind of way. Awful and amazing. He tells me we can't mess up our lives but I am the only person he can't let go of. I would never ever leave my husband now and he's truly amazing. Sex is more than regular and we are great. This other man has nothing to do with the state of my marriage. Its not my husband at all and my husband is very attractive and the other man is short chubby and older than me.... I don't know what to do
I've been to endless therapy every time i can't shake him, ive gotten meds. None of it helps. Maybe someone can open this up and help me. Real help into what my issue is with just him. I obsess over him and I have fantasies about him all while I have a great life. I don't like myself when he's got a hold of my head but I allow it

[This message edited by RisingStrong77 at 2:36 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

ChanceAtLife35 posted 9/25/2019 16:29 PM

Hello RisingStrong77,

Sorry to hear what you are going through and you are here. Please stop by the healing library to read previous posts and links for help. Start off by reading "How to help your spouse heal from an affair by Linda J. MacDonald" and "Codependent No More." I would look into a different therapist(maybe look into a cognitive therapist or a clinical psychologist, someone who specializes in affair recovery and specifically what you are going through) right away and place the AP on NC. Get off social media and take care of yourself by practicing self care (eating right etc,.) Seems like you are running from something and you need to dig into yourself internally. Does the AP remind you a lot of yourself or someone else in your life? My BW helped me realize my AP was a mirror image of myself and was absolutely right. We both lacked the emotional, sexual, spiritual, relational, values, and many other things to be a safe, secure, and healthy person. All of these things we were deprived of since childhood. Was anyone in your family an alcoholic or drug user? Think of what he gives you and if it makes you feel validated or better about yourself. Did you feel loved or wanted as a child? Dig deep. Go find a quiet place and feel the feelings and relive the memories that come with it. You have to reach your soul and the dark places within in you. Hope this helps so far. Being on this site is one of the best tools to help as it has helped me immensely.

[This message edited by ChanceAtLife35 at 4:31 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

Justsomelady posted 9/25/2019 20:07 PM

I can certainly understand the frustration you are having with obsession. I second what was said above, he fills some kind of purpose for you - explore that.

I have had some persistent limerence, and it is such a frustrating thing. It really does get in the way of living life the way you want to because you can’t, you’re too focused outside. That serves a purpose - for me it is avoidance of things that overwhelm me, an easy high i escape to, and external validation. With fifteen years under your belt it is definitely like an addiction for you, and you are doing the right thing posting and starting to take control of your thoughts and your life. Neurons that fire together wire together. Start making new pathways and connections in your brain.

There is a thread on here, Maia’s survival guide. It is a long post but short and sweet compared to a book, let’s see if I can post link - really recommend reading that.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=137622&AP=361&HL=

Also, consider that the strong attraction is triggering something unconscious and likely unhealthy in you - it is not a sign that you need to engage with him. When you get thoughts and fantasies, just say “hello FOO/trauma issues-in-disguise.” Helps me to name it and observe the feeling (I am working on mindfulness and meditating more these days).

No contact. No contact. No contact. Block him. Send a no contact message and block him far and wide across all mediums. Deactivate social media for six months and give yourself some mental breathing room.

Keep exploring your why but know that you don’t have to fully heal and understand to stop your behavior - that deeper understanding can start now and can come together better later.

It is hard but you have to go no contact with him. You may white knuckle it as you resist contact - including checking social media for him. Stick with it. It will get better, it can take a lot of work and time but it does.

There is a YouTube of Dr Joe Beam’s on limerence that I found helpful and easy to digest.

Also, read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, someone here Recommended it to me on my own thread a while back and it is a great and eye opening read. You are building a wall between you and your husband by opening up windows that further entwine you with this intruder.

Finally, for a collection of good, quick reads - I HIGHLY recommend checking out the blog Living with Limerence. Dr Limerence’s thing is focusing on living a life with purpose. He has an online “emergency reprogramming course” I haven’t taken but want to. But if not, he has great articles.

Breathe, be patient, focus on what makes you grateful for your husband. Journal. Exercise. Don’t drink much. And avoid the shit out of that guy. He is a loser who wants to take a married woman away from her husband. An Si person I message with told me to consider how he is getting off on that fact quite a bit, he wants to cuckold your husband. What a shitty thing! He may even want to get back at you in kind (FYI, despite being motivated by jealousy it was right of you to tell his wife way back when).

Oh, and tell your husband. I didn’t want to at first either but I did and it was the right thing to do.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 9:15 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

EvolvingSoul posted 9/25/2019 22:06 PM

Hi there RisingStrong77,

Welcome to SI.

Your story is a really good example of what happens when people don't get to the bottom of why they cheated. You can leave your BS behind, you can leave the AP behind, but you can't leave you behind. Your broken thought processes follow you along and will continue to impact your decision making until you identify them and then take concrete steps to change them.

The good news is, it's never too late to start doing that work. So start with where you are: addicted.

This statement

Like drugs i got that rush

is important. It isn't like drugs. As far as your nervous system is concerned, it is drugs.

It helps if you can separate the AP from the feelings. You associate him with those feelings but it's NOT about AP. It's about those feelings. He's dealing with same.

From the perspective of separating the person from the feelings, this

I miss you I can never get you out of my head.

actually reads as "I miss the affair feelings. I really crave them. I want the affair feelings back. Can you please provide me with some affair feelings?"

So basically, you're two junkies helping each other shoot up and your spouse has no idea you're a junkie at all, is that right?

Until you treat this is an actual addiction, you will go on and on with this shit. Feeding your addiction is more important than your BS's trust, more important than your BS's safety, more important than your integrity, more important than your marriage. You have compromised them all for the sake of a feeling. Or rather, for the sake of NOT feeling...something. What is it that you're numbing with your addiction?

From a practical and from a moral standpoint, the best things you could do right now are

1) Tell your BS. Has it occurred to you that AP might be drawing you back into a relationship so that he can reciprocate by outing you to your BS?

2) Go NC with AP. Forever and always.

3) Get to work on your "whys". Not why with regard to this specific person but why with regard to your choice to betray your BS and your own integrity have the feelings you want.

Those reading recommendations by justsomelady are good ones too.

You have a chance to change your life so much for the better. You will have to go through some rough terrain first but I promise you that living authentically is 1000% worth the difficult work it takes to get there.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Best to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

RisingStrong77 posted 9/26/2019 05:31 AM

I just wanted to thank everyone so far for the replies. I'll be on after work to expand more. Another day.... another chance to be strong...

RisingStrong77 posted 9/26/2019 05:32 AM

And part of me does wonder if former AP has secret hatred for me because of what I did to him.
Also though he says he loves me anyway and can't stop or explain it.
He's as crazy as me

RisingStrong77 posted 9/26/2019 05:48 AM

One more thing before I go to work maybe someone will read...
AP is a drunk. He drinks to excess , worse after his divorce and my marriage.
But this is twisted, I like hearing from him when he's been drinking. He says all kinds of things about me and how much he loves me and its endless. When he's sober he's more normal in his talking to me. But I get a thrill off of his drunk rants and yet not actually being with a drunk and the nasty side of that. I can just go.... if that makes sense... this stuff is far from normal

Justsomelady posted 9/26/2019 07:44 AM

All the more reason to listen to Evolving Soul’s comments - he is a drunk, an addict. He is looking to you to be a fix. It isn’t even about you or the merits of what you offer him, it is just you giving him attention and ego strokes for his addiction. And remember that hurt people hurt people - he probably will use this contact against you, given your history. So start preparing to talk to your husband - he needs to hear from YOU first and not the AP.

You are using a broken man’s ravings as ego kibbles to boost your extremely low self esteem. Why? Where/why/how do you feel good about yourself in life in other healthier ways. You can be better than that.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 7:59 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]

RisingStrong77 posted 9/26/2019 16:21 PM

I do feel like a total piece of crap for giving a single crap about AP. He's so broken but I love that. My life is so together, my husband is very OCD and structured. AP is a drunk and wild and I could not deal with that in real life. It makes me awful and I want to fix it.

Lifeitself posted 9/26/2019 18:06 PM

I feel for your first H tbh.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:50 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

Justsomelady posted 9/26/2019 19:24 PM

Your life is not together. You are on a course of self destruction. AP is not your problem to solve.If you value AP you will release him from you as a source of his addiction and cut off contact.
If you love your husband you will come clean to him.
At the moment your feelings matter little- feeling like crap hasn’t done anything to change your path. Feelings - put them aside and return to them shortly.
Now is the time for action.
What actions have you taken? Have you blocked him?

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 7:26 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

EvolvingSoul posted 9/26/2019 21:19 PM

I get a thrill off of his drunk rants and yet not actually being with a drunk and the nasty side of that.

My life is so together, my husband is very OCD and structured. AP is a drunk and wild and I could not deal with that in real life.

You are relating to the other people in your life as if they are not actually people, rather they are just sources of feelings for you. AP is someone who you can feel superior to, he's more fucked up than you (so you believe) and interacting with him gives you a big fat drug rush and the chance to give your BS a big FUCK YOUR OCD AND STRUCTURE that you can have completely in secret.

Your life is not together. Your life is fractured. Your identity is fractured. You don't even consider your interactions with AP to a part of your "real" life. That distorted thinking is rooted in cognitive dissonance, that "awful and amazing" feeling you reported in your first post that you get when you interact with AP. Cognitive dissonance is the psychological tension that is created by conflicting, incompatible realities trying to exist simultaneously in your brain. You have to regard one of them to be "unreal" to square "I love my husband." with "I'm betraying my husband."

The truth is, there is only one "real" life and all of your choices are part of it. What you have managed to avoid (so you believe) are consequences for your choice to go on using AP as a source for your drug and hiding your addiction from your BS. Every unwholesome interaction digs the hole you're in a little deeper. Every fix reinforces the brain wiring and thought processes that make it possible for you to betray your BS and your integrity and get your perceived needs met at other peoples' very great expense.

I had a seven year affair with someone who was, by my estimation at that time, more fucked up than me. I have a BS that prefers structure and order and to chaos and mess. I have been where you are, fractured, playing the appropriate role for each person I interacted with so that I could keep the feelings I wanted from them flowing and to keep the feelings I didn't want stoppered up.

I don't know what to do
I've been to endless therapy every time i can't shake him, ive gotten meds. None of it helps. Maybe someone can open this up and help me.

None of it has helped because you have not addressed the actual problem. You are standing outside your story. You have orphaned off the parts of yourself from your "real" life that you would rather not claim, that you would rather not be true about you, the parts of your story where you are the villain. This is a shame problem. When we are in shame, we very rarely make healthy choices. Only when you are willing to own your entire story can you stop hustling for your worth and live your life authentically. Not necessarily beautifully, certainly not always "together", but the real deal.

Have you explored the work of Brené Brown? Her work was pivotal for me to begin to get a handle on the thought processes that were driving my decision making and provided a blueprint for me to learn how to become shame resilient, by learning how to embrace vulnerability. I encourage you to read "I thought it was just me" as a place to start.

I know how terrible it feels to be so deep as you are in bad behavior, to be making choices that you know are hurtful to the people who care about you and would hurt the self image you perceive through their eyes if they knew. I remember feeling like I just couldn't stop or get myself out of it. I will tell you here and now that the thing that helped me to finally stop was for my BS to know the true nature of the relationship I had with AP and for me to make a conscious commitment cut off communications with him permanently. Even at that it took quite a while to get through the withdrawal and several years to work through how and why had been able to make those destructive choices. The healing path takes time and it especially takes courage. Time is going to go by no matter what. Courage you cultivate by doing courageous things. You can start today with these steps.

* Tell your BS everything.
* Go NC with AP with your BS completely in the loop as to the content and delivery system for that communication.
* Get and study the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.
* Get and study that Brené Brown book and start learning about shame and vulnerability.

Stop flipping between using and white knuckling. The only path out is through. You will find many fellow travelers here.

Best to you from this EvolvingSoul.

RisingStrong77 posted 9/27/2019 05:48 AM

Thank you all. Some actions I have taken... not meeting him. I know that seems small but I have not and will not meet him for physical contact.
Now I need to follow everyone's advice for cutting off the non physical contact.
It has been years since ive had sex with AP and not since ive been married. I an on keeping it that way and you're right, my life isn't together if i'm getting a rush from anything other than my husband....
It's very hard right now and I feel as if I might break from the pull of it all and i'm reading here trying to stay strong.

Justsomelady posted 9/27/2019 06:41 AM

It’s normal to be attracted to others outside your husband but you’ve got to set up your boundaries (This is where the book not just friends is helpful) again and fight the pull of the limerence/obsession (check out Maia’s survival guide on SI ASAP and Living with Limerence blog). You could take another step today in telling him you are going NC, don’t wait for him to respond and block him on your phone and social media. Carry a journal around wig you. When you feel the urge to contact him, write it down and what you are feeling/thinking so you can deal with it later.

You may want to deactivate temporarily from your social media.

I sent you a PM with lots of links

Glad you aren’t meeting him but you can do more than that. You are in an EA. It sucks to feel drawn to him but it isn’t going to kill you to cut off this unhealthy contact.

Another action you can take today, read Maia’s withdrawal survival guide.

Tomorrow - start reading how to help your spouse heal from an affair, and tell your husband.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 7:15 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

Justsomelady posted 9/27/2019 06:46 AM

Why do you think you need to use this man to help prop yourself up? Do you have any insights there?

Zugzwang posted 9/27/2019 08:43 AM

He tells me we can't mess up our lives but I am the only person he can't let go of.

A line. If he loved you and couldn't be without you, then you would be married to him and be with him all the time. It is a line. He is a cheater. You are a cheater. You both are addicted to lies that someone else can't live without you. What you can't live without is being chased, wanted, and desired. In your cheaters mind that is what it represents. Makes you special because you are unhealthy. In a healthy mind it SCREAMS something more ugly. You are needy, desperate, and easy. You have changed the reality to a fantasy. It isn't because you are special. It is because you both are willing to be with each other while you sit in your own shit and not hold the other accountable for getting out of it.

RisingStrong77 posted 9/27/2019 10:51 AM

Oh I agree I am wrong. I know how wrong and ugly I am.
I just wish I wasn't addicted like drugs to a person. I don't look at other men or have a desire for them to want me.
I do, however, hate how AP can be gone. NC totally for years and pop back up so easily. That's what i need to fix.
If it was about me being chased why wouldn't i respond to all the men who have tried?
I don't know. I'm sure you all know

Justsomelady posted 9/27/2019 11:37 AM

What can you actually do today to improve the situation?
You haven’t responded about blocking or notifying you are going NC. Or about things you are reading, insights drawn, etc.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 11:42 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

Zugzwang posted 9/27/2019 14:54 PM

I don't look at other men or have a desire for them to want me.

stop lying to yourself. BE honest. These contradict everything you are saying above.

Awful and amazing. He tells me we can't mess up our lives but I am the only person he can't let go of.

I obsess over him and I have fantasies about him all while I have a great life. I don't like myself when he's got a hold of my head but I allow it

Hi I hope you're ok I miss you I can never get you out of my head.
Like drugs i got that rush and i have not met him but we are texting and talking.

it was jealousy and instability and an a**hole move.

This shouts to me that you do care at least about this man. You do enjoy him chasing you and wanting you. Every time he does, you go back. Is your husband here reading? IMO you sound like a wayward afraid to admit the truths to yourself in order to avoid admitting to yourself that you need that or to avoid letting your husband know how much it means to you to have this man that you had instant attraction want you.

A

nd part of me does wonder if former AP has secret hatred for me because of what I did to him.
Also though he says he loves me anyway and can't stop or explain it.
He's as crazy as me

You are making it seem like it is unique. It really isn't. I had an AP I couldn't stand as a person. I thought of her as trash and she really was a bitch and she disgusted me. Still didn't keep me from accepting her advances just to have her on my side to commiserate with and to know that I had her wanting me.

EvolvingSoul posted 9/27/2019 18:27 PM

Hi again RisingStrong77,

There is something that has not been made clear to me in your posts and a few people have asked you about it and you seem to have ignored those questions so I'm going to just be direct with them now.

1) When you met and eventually married your BS, did you ever tell him that you were a cheater in your previous marriage?

2) If the answer to 1 is yes, does your BS know who you cheated with in your previous marriage? Also, did you tell him about the outing?

3) Does your BS know you have been recently talking/texting to someone? Under the guise of "friendship" perhaps?

4) If the answer to 3 is yes, does he know that it's the person you cheated with in your first marriage?

The answers to these questions will clarify a lot for me, thanks.