"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Incarnate posted 9/3/2019 13:40 PM

Alright, so for reelz, counseling has happened. It was only a 30 minute session and we ran over to 40 minutes, and the psychologist has suggested we go to hour long sessions weekly. Apparently I'm horribly screwed up. Or very interesting, one or the other.

I caught her up on current events,told her the research I'd been doing, and asked her about EMDR. Turns out she is a huge proponent of it, even though I have my misgivings.

Since the STBEW has accused me of being Covert NPD and BPD, I requested screenings or evaluations or whatever I needed to do to determine if that is the case. I want to be able to say, definitively, "I have been cleared of those personality disorders by a licensed psychologist" if she brings it up in a custody hearing or whatever."

I'm noticing that the people my ex has decided to tell that I am abusive are people that don't spend time around me when I'm with my kids. There were three ladies at the barbecue yesterday, al three of them better friends with my ex, but on friendly terms with me. She immediately hustled one of them away (she has just recently been left by her husband) and got a good solid man-hate session going on, which the other lady ate right up. I walked through the room and the tension was palpable; you could almost cut it with a knife.

A bit later, though, the lady came out while I was cooking the burgers and hotdogs for the kids and we chatted, and by the end of the evening, she was mentioning how good I was with my kids, as well as hers and the kids of the other ladies. I even had a few drinks (rum and coke zero) and got maybe a little drunk, but I've always been controlled, and I maintained that record. I was laughing and happy and good natured, while maintaining my zero-superfluous-contact with my ex. I didn't badmouth anyone, and when I talked about the separation, I talked about it exactly honestly; that it was a surprise, I was upset at the circumstances, but agreed that there was no point in attempting to maintain a broken relationship and that all I cared about was my children.

I feel weird right now, like I am both on the edge of cracking and yet calm. I have another counseling appointment for next week, Wednesday the 11th, and we'll see where that takes us.

Fuckin' huzzah.

traicionada posted 9/4/2019 20:01 PM

the psychologist has suggested we go to hour long sessions weekly

I did 1-hour weekly sessions for several months in the beginning IC helped me process some of the emotions. Don’t get me wrong! I hated having to go and talk about my feelings but looking back I am glad I stuck with it

WhoTheBleep posted 9/4/2019 21:28 PM

Definitely go for the hour sessions. (I think that really means 45 min). I went 2x a week for the first 5 months, as my trauma was complete. Then 1x per week for another 7 months.

Then I took a break for a year or so. Picked it up again when I filed last year, and now I'm going every 2 weeks. I have found it very helpful.

thebighurt posted 9/4/2019 22:42 PM

Hi Incarnate,

the STBEW has accused me of being Covert NPD and BPD

If the friends understand what a covert narc is, they would expect that you would be "normal" or "great" to them. The covert part means that you do appear that way to others but your "victim" or "target" is the recipient of the full narc treatment.

Believe me, I KNOW how that treatment is hidden from the rest of the world but blasted fully at the victim, having been the object of that for several decades. Almost everyone still thinks xpos is a "great guy". Well, people who are more acquaintances than those who have observed him closely or often, like the kids. Not that they see the covert narc, but they have all lost a lot of respect and love for him from the things he has said and done to them since DDay.

Your psychiatrist can surely diagnose you as NPD or BOD if appropriate, but I wonder how she could know if it is covert? Hopefully she can (actually can not) see you as either or a covert one. I would be interested to know how that might work out.

Glad you have taken this step, Incarnate. Give it some time. I was ready to ask for a referral to someone else when mine started asking different things and took me where I needed to go.

Healershaman posted 9/4/2019 23:51 PM

Hi Incarnate,

Your pain resonates with me, former spouse claiming I have NPD and that children have Stockholm Syndrome - so lovingly posted across social meeting that children and I closed accounts. We did IC and Couples where both our IC therapists were in the room. Ultimately, she decided she wanted a different life and made her exit via infidelity.

I'm doing my own therapy once a week for an hour since D-Day. My therapist says only a trained professional can diagnose NPD. Then he went on to say, from our long history and a few joint sessions, that Borderline Personality Disorder fits her far better than NPD fits me. We're all a little narcissistic at some point or another, but to meet the DSM level diagnosis takes some real doing. He laughed, "...a narcissist would never ask their therapist if they're a narcissist...."

I'd offer, stay the course, do your IC, accept that WW has her own issues to address and focus on rebuilding yourself.

My favorite quote, "...I didn't say it was your fault, I said I'm blaming you...." And to quote my div atty, "...no one ever say's they're more than 49% responsible for the failure of a marriage...."

Best,

hs

WornDown posted 9/5/2019 09:37 AM

Therapy (should be an hour) is a great place to, if nothing else, just dump all your thoughts/emotions on a periodic basis. Kind of like here, but with a real person.

As to the being accused of being a NPD, I'd always take that with a grain of salt from a cheater. Projection is the word here.

Unfortunately, you will find some people who believe her. That's when you find out who your real friends are.

Hang in there.