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How do you move past old pain

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Iamtrash posted 8/25/2019 09:20 AM

TMI reply

After our son with autism was born. I was exhausted, torn up, and likely dealing with PPD. BH was working a different job. He didnít have any family leave time. He literally was back to work our first day home. It was out of his control and he made a decision based on what was best in that moment. I know he wasnít trying to hurt me and none of it was his fault.

I had no one with me. I was exhausted, bleeding all over the house, trying to clean up that mess, trying to establish breastfeeding, plus a newborn. I was by myself. My family didnít come or help at all. My best friend worked full time but was able to stop for an hour. My MIL stopped for an hour but she still had school age children at home. I had to fend for myself. I had the do it yourself mentality long before this, but this kinda pushed it into me as a parent. I had to provide for them because no one else was there to do it. Do it or fail. Those were my options.

I did the best with what I had at the time. Same for him. He made the choice he had to make. I know it wasnít to hurt me or make me resent him.

Iamtrash posted 8/25/2019 09:33 AM

Those reigns are real. Donít let him take hold or he might crash the wagon. In reality, he will likely just take a different path. Not flip the wagon and kill us all.

I am also a special ed instructor. I work at a year round school for kids with severe autism. So autism is my life 24/7. When I am not working with my students, Iím working with my son (at least at home I can just be mom, no therapies). He is nearly 7 and we live in Ohio. Heís in that grey area. Heís too high functioning for a lot of programming but is behaviorally demanding. Heís the kind of kid that flies under the radar because he doesnít go to either end of the spectrum. Itís hard. Heís verbal but struggles to express his feelings. He also doesnít understand the consequences of his choices, especially aggression. We have a great school team for him. We are also seeking out a better counselor (His doesnít feel sheís prepared to help him to the best of her ability. I appreciate her honesty.)

We are close to my mother in law and she loves the kids. Unfortunately, when the DV issues happened, she took a notebook from my house. That notebook was how my BH and I were communicating our issues without conflict and anger. It gave us time to think before speaking and we could read it when we were ready. She took it. Threatened me with it. I donít know if she has it or BH. But she sent me pics of what I wrote and told me she was going to share it with everyone. That was for BH and me. And she took it. I never had reason not to trust her, but after that I am not in a good place with her. I wonít accept her help. Maybe in time, but not yet.

FoenixRising posted 8/25/2019 09:55 AM

Trash, these things are so relevant. That loneliness you felt must have been unbearable. I can relate to the lonkieness. You remind me SO much of myself when I first came here. I wish I could pull up my posts to show you my fog. ((I actually do not at all wish this because I will be absolutely embarrassed at how cloudy my vision was 🥴😳🤪😩😂)

I lived in the middle of the country, alone when H got out of the military. We had no family, friends, and now, no military support. hís new job was all different days of the week. It varied from days to nights each week... all different days. Iím sure you see where Iím going with this... I HAD to do it all. I really had no choice. Ihad to get it right the first time bc I was the only one 3 children could depend on. I was their constant. Their everything and I kept that ship afloat trash. Boy did I ever. And even when I shoukd have hit the distress button, I didnít. Iím sure you know why. Bc there would have been no one to see it. It would have been wasted energy and I was already tired at pretending the ship was afloat.

Hereís what I learned...It isnít sustainable to go 110% all the time or Iíll risk youíre mental health, Iíll marriage, and so much more. I mean clearly... bc I fucked our best friend. Man, I wish I hit that distress button. Why didnít I hit that distress button before it got this bad? Oh because I was too proud to show that my boat was rocky or accept the little help I could get (kids always love my Morning ovaltine. They call it their coffe.. they always want ME to make it... so, I taught BS how to do it so he could take this burden from me and maybe I could sleep in a bit. Well he did it. Kid didnít like it bc He didnít make it the right way. Annoyed, I got up and remade it bc I wanted to quiet the kid. Or was it that the kid just wanted ME to do it bc that is what he is used to? Would it have been better to instead tell the kid, ďI taught daddy how to make youíre coffee. Heís made it for you... you drink and appreciate what is made or you go without. Youíre choice.Ē?

Can you appreciate how my experience if doing it all in my own in these little moments has now made me unable look into the situation with a clear eye BECAUSE Iím tired. And so used to just doing it myself. Iíve now reinforced that I am the only one that can provide the best care but also now adequate care. I canít reshape anyoneís thinking but my own. I set my own boundaries.

Honestly a million little moments like coffee were happening and setting the tone. I wish I saw it then.

Iamtrash posted 8/25/2019 16:32 PM

We talked divorce right before my son was diagnosed. I knew something was wrong. He was insisting that he was fine and I was just ďoverly sensitiveĒ because I am around it all day. He fought tooth and nail about getting him evaluated. I finally said that he was getting evaluated and it wasnít up for debate. Sure enough, heís autistic. He was nonverbal for a very long time. With early intervention, he thrived. Youíd never know he was once a kid that couldnít even respond to his own name.

Statistically, we have survived things that many marriages donít survive (death of a child and a diagnosis). So why would I add more to it? Why couldnít I just appreciate how far we had made it? Thatís a hard pill to swallow.

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 4:37 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

FoenixRising posted 8/25/2019 18:44 PM

Are you shopping for Ďata girlsí? Way to go. You just proved again how wrong your husband was about your sons diagnosis. Do you feel better that youve pointed that out? I think your H likeky realizes that it was you that followed your instincts and got him help. Has he ever said thank you? Has every said Iím proud of you for helping our son? If not, weíll hes dumb. Mine is dumb also. For real. He says ďIím dumb.Ē To which I reply, ďIím crazy. And my crazy loves you and all your dumb.Ē

And guess what. My husband is gonna eff up again. So am I. All I can guarantee is that my intentions are never ill and to do better the next time I find myself in a situation. I still have effed up boundaries. Iím not anywhere near reconciled with myself. I hope I never am bc that means Iím letting my guard down. And thatís when Iím weakest.

And you couldnít accept it because you werenít. You were denfensive and disoriented. You were busy pretending things were ok to everyone but yourself and your H. All these things end up circling.

Iamtrash posted 8/25/2019 20:52 PM

No searching for ďata girlsĒ. Just trying to grasp how we got through those dark times but I still managed to be selfish and throw it all away.

IC better help me figure it out. I donít like the person Iíve become.

Iamtrash posted 8/25/2019 21:24 PM

I should have been thankful that we were strong enough to survive 2 traumatic events. Instead, I added a new one.

Why couldnít I just be thankful?

Zugzwang posted 8/26/2019 19:16 PM

^^^Because you were hurt. You were a mess. You were lost. You took too much on to yourself and then got angry at people when you chose to take too much on. How much of your identity was lost when you had kids? You knew you were unhappy with yourself. With your choices. The problem was that you shifted the blame onto everything you could not control. Instead of yourself and what you could.

Why couldnít I just be thankful?
What was there to be thankful about?

Iamtrash posted 8/26/2019 20:11 PM

I had plenty to be thankful about. Two living, healthy kids. A good job with good people. A safe place to live. A husband that loved us even if I thought he wasnít happy with this life (my judgment, not necessarily his true feelings). My kids had better than what BH or I ever had and I threw it all away.

FoenixRising posted 8/26/2019 20:40 PM

Trash... grieve. Grieve this. Grieve this pain, uncertainty, guilt, overwhelming, angry, sad, desperate, foggy, complete TORMENT.

Thatís what it is right?

Do you understand your BS pain a bit better now? He feels like you... and for a while you may think you hurt worse than him... be careful down that road, remember itís resentment.

Read back this post as often as you need. Or donít. Just breathe though and grieve. Iím not sure how low exactly you are but please be mindful right now of your mental health. Do you have access to a doctor/counselor? This sad part was when I really got low. I just want to know if youíve got any prospects of mental, physical, emotional support. A friend to call? If not, keep posting here as you process your thoughts.

Thing is though... you remind me of me. A younger me. A stronger me. Youíre not gonna let this awakening you hold back for too long. Now you see there is something to fight for. Now you see... you grieve thinking of past actions but stay in the moment and remind yourself you wonít go back. I believe in you! I really do!

Take the time you need digesting... again, meditation, exercise, art, reading... stay busy doing something you enjoy and thatís healthy once the grieve, guilt, shame become bearable.... though, trash, they never fully go away. But with time when they come or any other grief or suffering, youíll have better tools and supports. Youíll see how they were/are necessary bc of tragedies youíve endured. No matter what, from here, you go up.

After this... we strategize next steps in your journey.

Zugzwang posted 8/27/2019 07:56 AM

I had plenty to be thankful about. Two living, healthy kids. A good job with good people. A safe place to live. A husband that loved us even if I thought he wasnít happy with this life (my judgment, not necessarily his true feelings). My kids had better than what BH or I ever had and I threw it all away.

Now, remember this every day even when you feel shitty. Work towards never taking it for granted again.

hikingout posted 8/27/2019 08:34 AM

For me, it was taking accountability of what I should have/could have done at the moment those resentments started.

What it's hard to realize sometimes is that we are responsible for our own happiness at all times. And, when people hurt us and we don't call them on it and resolve it at the time it's happening and instead choose to resent the other person for it - that's our fault in the situation. So, we sometimes have to say "Well, at the time I didn't communicate x,y,z to him and because we didn't discuss it all the way through to proper resolution then it became something that I blamed him for. When I could look at it that way, some of the most hurtful things I had been carrying for my husband was absolved because I had an equal carrying of it. I didn't hold my personal boundaries on what I wanted and needed, so how can I now hold him accountable when I didn't make myself heard in the situation?

That was a freeing thought for me. And, it gives me confidence in our marriage going forward because I have worked on my self worth and now understand the importance of managing my own needs, choosing my battles, and not choosing to hold on to hurts and collect them. Instead, I have learned to prioritize which ones I want to fight for, how to effectively be vulnerable enough to my husband to share those things in my heart, and to remember to put myself in his shoes too while we discuss them. Sometimes when I do it, I am amazed when things are said aloud that I actually don't believe the thought I am having - it allows me to squash some of the untrue stories in my head. And, I have learned just because we talk about things doesn't mean anyone has to be upset or that conflict has to be dramatic.

The other gift in all that is you start to have some self compassion for yourself here too. Realizing that sometimes in a crisis mode, it's difficult to determine that you are holding resentments, sometimes we get depressed in those times and we are really just so busy getting through it, and kind of sleepwalking and numbing our feelings about it. It's a danger point for any relationship when those things happen. Which is why so many people's marriages don't survive the loss of a child. We numb, we blame, we deflect, the emotions are too much for us to deal with. And, sometimes you just don't realize the low point you have gotten to until something else shakes us awake. I can honestly look back at some of our harder times as a couple and say, you know what we were just two people trying to get through something hard. I numbed myself, I didn't speak up, I didn't manage what was happening to me - that is a human thing to do. I don't have to blame myself or him for those parts of how I was managing the crisis. When that falls back, then you really can get to the parts about really concentrating on who you want to be in the relationship, why you cheated, what you need to really examine with a microscope, all the things there are to apologize for. By the time you do those things, these slights you are thinking about - they will not at all seem important.

Zugzwang posted 8/28/2019 08:39 AM

For me, it was taking accountability of what I should have/could have done at the moment those resentments started.

exactly. This is why we say it never has to do with the marriage. Ever. Because marriage issues like stated can be dug even deeper to your own choices to own like above. Once, you work on you and how you think, expect, and react...the marriage issues tend to get better and work out as long as you have a partner that heals and begins to respond to your own changes. If they are a healthy individual to begin with, they will begin to work on their own issues.

Zugzwang posted 8/28/2019 08:41 AM

The other gift in all that is you start to have some self compassion for yourself here too

Again a good place to start would be to change your handle to something more inspiring and compassionate than being trash. You aren't trash. You are just lost.

Iamtrash posted 8/29/2019 18:00 PM

Today is a hard day.

Trying to keep my mind in the right place. Iím struggling. Iím exhausted in every possible way. I have to neglect my needs to keep everything smooth for the kids. Itís hard.

Here. Reading and re-reading. Keeping my focus where it needs to be. No resentment. No anger. Just owning my feelings. Trying to figure out what I can do to mend my mind. This helps. Sorry I havenít been able to respond much. Very little time to truly think and type.

I am feeling like he recognizes my efforts (he tells me), but isnít receptive yet. And thatís ok. This takes time and he doesnít have to be. All I can do is keep working at it. Together or apart, change needs to happen.

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