He married me knowing I wanted kids. I feel like it was communicated after the fact that maybe he didn’t.
*i want you take pause here. “I feel like,” must be followed by feelings... not thoughts... I just want you appreciate the difference and understand how really using the most unemotionally attached verbiage is the best way to see results. He said he never wanted kids or you interpreted his actions within yourself to evaluate his feelings and then make them your own? Can you appreciate the difference?
We’ve lived through the loss of our first and our second having autism. (I fully own that I needed help after both of those events. Badly. I never got help.) We were never on the same page about trying again. Or having a second. **this. This. Sweet girl. This pain has so much to do with your grief and his. You will need to come back to this together but first you must recover from the (not so simple)act of infidelity. This pain is certainly a part of your whys without a doubt. No one or SHOULD deny you that or judge you how you dealt with that pain. I’ve never lost a child and I pray with everything in me I never have to. I have no clue how I’d react. Forget that taboo aspect of the affair for a moment. Can you see and agree with how you dealt with this torment was unhealthy? Not just the A but maybe little things like using improper verbiage to communicate feelings that you honestly felt (feel?) out of control?
I also take full responsibility that I was spoiled and selfish.
**add disoriented. Because that’s a big one. The things that were out of you or H’s hands and left up to the universe or gods will or whatever you believe, were REALLY REALLY SIGNIFICANT THINGS. Those reverberated the high stress actions and decisions and choices being made. You really are level headed when not dealing with the loss of your child so I know you’ll see this... unfortunately... regardless of the disorientation... you do still need take responsibility for the choice of cheating but it’s not by saying ‘I take responsibility.’ You demonstrate it in your behavior. What would you do differently if you could go back after your child’s death? Start there. Something small. I think I’d contemplate starting smoking again. In fact I did start smoking again after my affair. That was an unhealthy choice that I would and will do differently the next time I’m overwhelmed. Don’t get me wrong, I still smoke a ciggy when I’m out with H and we’re having drinks with old time friends but not secretly in my car after drop off. Can you understand how they’re different and have altering consequences.
All that mattered was my “perfect family” and he was going to make it happen whether he agreed or not. (He was never tricked into pregnancy, there were just lots of fights over wanting another.) That’s something I need to own and accept. I absolutely played my role in our marital issues. I obviously cared for our lost child and our autistic child, but for me it was like I could never get it right. I needed my living child to prove to myself that Losing wasn’t my fault. I needed my second to prove that I could have a typical child. All of that falls on me.
**stop. Give yourself a damn minute here. Don’t hop so quick off this... no buts. That’s it. NO BUTS. when you own it, there is no “but”. Do you/did you have the right to be disoriented? Yes! Yes! You did/still do!!!!!! Can you appreciate that you’re struggling to make choices? Stop trying to be perfect. Stop being defensive. Owning is straight up ‘I had the worst thing in my life happen to me and it shook the shit out of my family’s world and then to deal with it all you made the biggest baddest CHOICE to further worsen my situation by having an affair(in reality today, you may look back and question if you were really actually dealing with all that awful bad or if it was to actually escape the reality you were living?
But I do hold onto resentment. Because of my choices, my children and desire for a family were thrown in my face for years.
**again, NO BUTS. This is tough but important. If even now you just notice how many times you say I own it.. Yada Yada... BUT... just pause.
Anytime I had a rough day, he would say to me, “Well you wanted this.”
**what did you choose to say to him in his rough days?
He would remind me that he didn’t want this life. To me, to others. Now, don’t get me wrong, he is a good dad. I know he loves our kids. He is involved and it’s clear that they love him too. He wouldn’t change his life with them. But it hurt hearing it over and over.
**imagining how badly that hurt for you. I get it. How bad did everything you were BOTH dealing with hurt him?
I don’t know if he realized until recently how deeply his words impacted me.
**it is your choice and responsibility to interpret his words into your feelings not his.
Some wives want a big house, cars, money, vacations. I wanted a family. With him. To me, it didn’t seem like an unreasonable request.
**it seems and sounds that he never said he didn’t want a family. When did he specifically say this? Bc if you don’t remember when, then it didn’t happen. Is it possible that you wrongly interpreted his actions or words into your defenses and trying to be perfect? Sweet girl. You never needed to be perfect for him. He only wanted you and what you wanted. It was you that forced yourself to be/act perfect. You made that choice. And for crying out loud. You must stop being so defensive and still trying to be perfect. Be YOU!!!!! You’re not trash.
Now, he does play a part. An active part. He feeds and changes. He gets the baby to daycare. He stays home with the baby 2x a week. With our oldest, he was able to stay home full time (I know I was jealous of this. He will complain about it, but I would have given anything to be home with my baby. Unfortunately, I’m the insurance holder for all of us. That was another issue that took me awhile to work through.) **theres those BUTS again!!!! They’re sure stinkers.
But deep down, he doesn’t realize how much I do on my own. **is this rational? Honestly? You think at this point he doesn’t see how much you do? Do you see what he does? What would he say he does to help? The above? He’s working at it now so he’s doing his part? Now you button up and let him do it. Just bc it’s not your way, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. He will do things his way. Let him. It’s not on your plate now. Do not micromanage. And if you’re still overwhelmed, then learn to ask for more help. This is SO hard for a perfectionist, I know! Honestly though, at this point where you are, if you ain’t uncomfortable, then you doin’ it sting.
Now that I have to do it all on my own, I will be honest, not much has changed for me outside of mornings. I’m fulfilling only slightly more than I was before all of this. I’m worn out emotionally and mentally because of the A and everything that came from that, so that’s the only part that makes this harder. (It’s hard as hell to focus on self care and changing when I don’t have the time for myself.)
**Stop diminishing how hard this is. Do you have family that can help out. Where the eff is your village and if you don’t have one, let’s get you one! You need reinforcements!
When all this came out, he said he was taking the kids and getting full custody. (Has since admitted he was mad and would never do that.)
**this is GREAT!!!! He is taking responsibility.
We have always agreed to 50/50 and I’d never change that. However, there’s part of me that thinks to myself, I want him to truly see the work that’s put into our kids. I’m here. Doing it alone. No help. He’s even said it himself that his mom will end up taking the brunt of the work taking care of them if we share custody. That infuriated me. Here I am, doing it all. Only slightly changing my life. And you just wouldn’t take on the full responsibility.
See. That’s the resentment I’m talking about. And I need to get rid of it if I want to focus on my stupid choice to be unfaithful.
**you get rid of this resentment bc you stop having a selfish temper tantrum and jealousy party that he has more help than you and you build your own god damn village. You control you. Your choices, situation, mood, interpretations and get a hold of them and steer them to the healthy side. Then you thank your lucky stars that the kids are so many loving, helping hands and are surrounded by people who really care. You’ve got this. Chin up lady. I have no doubt in your strength. Keep going.