"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Iamtrash posted 8/24/2019 15:19 PM

The biggest part about accepting blame with an A is accepting that this is 100% my fault. There is nothing he did or didn’t do to make me cheat. That’s fact. 50/50 marital issues, he didn’t cheat. I did.

Now I feel like I am in a place where cheating cancels out all my past pain and issues. How do I get past that? They were never resolved and now I feel like they never will be because of my choice to have an A. I want to let go. I need to let go, but I don’t know how. Do the past issues eventually come back even if you try to move past them?

I want to do everything I can to change. I want to do everything to earn trust. I want to show him that he didn’t deserve this. I feel like this part is holding me back from being a better person, from truly changing.

Zugzwang posted 8/24/2019 15:39 PM

I am in a place where cheating cancels out all my past pain and issues.

What do you mean? What type of issues? Name just one. I bet I could break it down to it being about you and how you can control and own that.

What is holding you back. The issues? Or resentment because of it?

FoenixRising posted 8/24/2019 15:50 PM

I completely remember feeling that way. Like ‘crap, I have to eat crow bc I cheated but man was he a dick before I cheated!!!! When do I get to talk about that!?!?!?’

You’ll get your chance. I promise. Thing is... when you have that mentality, it’s just a sign that you need to keep eating crow.

I can’t describe it any other way than after you do the work, once it is your chance to bring those things up, it’ll be different bc you’ll also start to see where you effed up along the way. (It’s so humbling and good damn annoying when it’s happening. It’s equally awful after bc you’re now embarrassed at how blind you were to all the chances Pre-A that YOU had to make a HEALTHIER choice. How you can only control one person... YOURSELF.

you aren’t out of the fog yet my friend. Keep going though... I’m proud of you for sticking around. I hope this has helped you to prove to whomever you need how strong you are and committed to recovering. That’s where you are. Recovery. It’s gonna be a lot more crow eating... the taste improves after a while, I promise. There are benefits to eating that crow. You’ll see them... eventually.

Remember, message me anytime. It’s a bumpy road and I’m On Your side.

Iamtrash posted 8/24/2019 16:03 PM

He married me knowing I wanted kids. I feel like it was communicated after the fact that maybe he didn’t. We’ve lived through the loss of our first and our second having autism. (I fully own that I needed help after both of those events. Badly. I never got help.) We were never on the same page about trying again. Or having a second. I also take full responsibility that I was spoiled and selfish. All that mattered was my “perfect family” and he was going to make it happen whether he agreed or not. (He was never tricked into pregnancy, there were just lots of fights over wanting another.) That’s something I need to own and accept. I absolutely played my role in our marital issues. I obviously cared for our lost child and our autistic child, but for me it was like I could never get it right. I needed my living child to prove to myself that Losing wasn’t my fault. I needed my second to prove that I could have a typical child. All of that falls on me.

But I do hold onto resentment. Because of my choices, my children and desire for a family were thrown in my face for years. Anytime I had a rough day, he would say to me, “Well you wanted this.” He would remind me that he didn’t want this life. To me, to others. Now, don’t get me wrong, he is a good dad. I know he loves our kids. He is involved and it’s clear that they love him too. He wouldn’t change his life with them. But it hurt hearing it over and over. I don’t know if he realized until recently how deeply his words impacted me. Some wives want a big house, cars, money, vacations. I wanted a family. With him. To me, it didn’t seem like an unreasonable request.

Now, he does play a part. An active part. He feeds and changes. He gets the baby to daycare. He stays home with the baby 2x a week. With our oldest, he was able to stay home full time (I know I was jealous of this. He will complain about it, but I would have given anything to be home with my baby. Unfortunately, I’m the insurance holder for all of us. That was another issue that took me awhile to work through.) But deep down, he doesn’t realize how much I do. On my own. Now that I have to do it all on my own, I will be honest, not much has changed for me outside of mornings. I’m fulfilling only slightly more than I was before all of this. I’m worn out emotionally and mentally because of the A and everything that came from that, so that’s the only part that makes this harder. (It’s hard as hell to focus on self care and changing when I don’t have the time for myself.)

When all this came out, he said he was taking the kids and getting full custody. (Has since admitted he was mad and would never do that.) We have always agreed to 50/50 and I’d never change that. However, there’s part of me that thinks to myself, I want him to truly see the work that’s put into our kids. I’m here. Doing it alone. No help. He’s even said it himself that his mom will end up taking the brunt of the work taking care of them if we share custody. That infuriated me. Here I am, doing it all. Only slightly changing my life. And you just wouldn’t take on the full responsibility.

See. That’s the resentment I’m talking about. And I need to get rid of it if I want to focus on my stupid choice to be unfaithful.

Iamtrash posted 8/24/2019 16:07 PM

Yes. The fog. It’s thick. It’s real.

How? How do you get through it? I’m terrified that getting trapped in it is going to hold me back. I know it is.

I don’t hate him. I have committed to bettering myself. I have followed through with a majority of the points in the book about helping your partner heal. I am sticking to a lot of them. But that resentment, that fucking resentment. And now that I am parenting 100% of the time, it makes it that much harder.

Please, help me through the fog.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 8/24/2019 16:34 PM

But that resentment, that fucking resentment.

We have a saying in our house. Expectations are resentments in the making.

You have obviously had expectations of your husband in regards to being a husband and a father in which he has failed (in your eyes) to comply with. The question is, did he have a clear understanding of what those expectations were? That’s really the question you need to ask yourself when dealing with your resentments.

Like FeonixRising said, once you become healthier, you may start to realize that your own thinking or your own expectations were flawed. How could your husband live up to them if he didn’t understand the game rules? As you heal, you may gain a new perspective once you can see these resentments through a different lens.

I’m not saying that you don’t (or do) have legitimate complaints in your marriage. You just need to put the fire out before redecorating the house, kwim? Learn to prioritize. Right now, things are in chaos. Sure, you are taking care of the kids, but now isn’t the time to dwell on the fact that he wasn’t.

Focus on what you can control. Focus on your actions and the motivation behind them. Early on we know on a conscious level that we are responsible for our affairs. The problem is that typically we have told ourselves so many things to justify our behavior that on a subconscious level we still struggle with full ownership. That is why so many want to talk about marital issues so close to DDay because we need that “reason” we did what we did. We so desperately want to still be viewed as “good” that we grasp at straws to find something to explain it. The truth of the matter is that this takes time. Do the work and let some time pass. Keep those pre affair issues separate. Then come back to them later.

Iamtrash posted 8/24/2019 17:52 PM

How did you force yourself to put these issues on the back burner until an appropriate time?

How did you know when it was appropriate to talk about them? (Obviously not my focus currently.)

godheals posted 8/24/2019 18:27 PM

I don’t think you need to move past it just put it on hold.

You need to heal the M and your H needs to heal himself. But this takes time. My H and I happily R 2 years and 3 months after our dday. But afterwards is when we talk about our M problem we had before. My H was able to talk about yes he was a jerk, treated me bad and he was a shitty H to me before. He was able to recognize his faults and work on being a better H. In fact he is a better H and has worked on himself. But a major thing was he was healing from the past and in better mind set.

Talking about the problems in the M before the A while trying to heal from the A or cheating can come off as blaming the BS as a reason why the WS cheated. Make choices to work on yourself. You can only control yourself. Your H needs time to process everything and heal from the trauma.

After dday I got pregnant, quite my job and gave up the house I was living in while my H and I were separated all within 4months. Having three kids already, all the changes being made while in the middle of putting my M back together there were a lot of things that made me felt resentment. I hate the fact we could not talk about our problems from before or even touch anything he did wrong. I thought it was completely unfair. Even if I try to bring it up a different time. Everything come back to my A. I never thought we get to a spot where we could talk about it without the A being brought in the middle of it.

Things like I am taking care of the kids non stop, cleaning house paying bills shopping ect.... and his doing whatever he wants when he wants to do them. Wait like before the A. But I learned that I didn’t have any room to complain about it. I needed to change my way of thinking. I needed to work on myself and needed to learn who I was. I did the heavy lifting over and over again. I got myself into IC and learnd about my whys and fixed myself. Ic did help me understand what I needed to focus on. For myself, my H and my M. When your stuck in the past, thinking about the past it prevent you from working for the future. The better you. The old you is gone and broken. Don’t think about that girl anymore. Think about the person you want and need to be. For you, your H and the M.

It will come a time when you can talk about the past but there is so much work that needs to be done before that. My H and I might be a little different here from the rest. He likes it when I stand up for myself and call him out. Sometimes he don’t like it at the moment but later he comes to me and tells me thanks for putting me in my place. I use to bottle up my emotions and let him walk all over me before the A. It scares him when I don’t speak my mind.

Please work on yourself and reframe your mind set. This takes a lot of time but you will get there. Let your H heal and give him the time and space he needs.

BraveSirRobin posted 8/24/2019 19:14 PM

I'm so sorry to hear about your lost child, IAT. We lost twins to complications of prematurity, and it was devastating. It's the only experience that has given me a comparative value for the destructive grief my infidelity caused my BH. If asked "if you could do one thing over in your life, what would it be," my H and I agree that undoing my A would be #2 on the list. Going into the hospital the second the pains started would be #1.

I have a close friend whose H played the "you're the one that wanted this" card about their kids, and we always said he was being a turd. They worked their way through it and now have a really good marriage, but it was not easy for her in those early years.

I'm glad you understand that this is not the time to address your marital issues, but I hear and empathize about the level of stress you are under. Life with little kids, especially special needs kids (I have two) will not give you a moment of respite. And it's not like it makes you feel any better to know that you willingly chose the temporary escape that has made your reality ten times harder. I have been there. Hold on.

Iamtrash posted 8/24/2019 19:30 PM

I wish I knew why I did it. Sometimes I feel like I know, but then I don’t.

Throughout the entire A, I told my AP I was never getting divorced. Even before things went sour, he always knew I was married and had no interest in getting divorced. He knew I was never moving there and removing my kids from their dad or their life here. (I had pages and pages of me telling him that, him giving me grief about it, him begging me to change my mind.) Why was this worth risking my family? Hurting my family? It clearly wasn’t.

So what the hell was I doing? What was I thinking? Why did I do all this for someone I wasn’t going to be with? I keep trying to hunt for whys and am getting trapped in the same stupid, irrelevant feelings about my marriage. Please tell me the fog doesn’t last forever. I know my flaws are within myself. I also know I have a ton of unresolved issues in my life completely separate from my marriage.

I know a quick fix doesn’t exist, but please keep telling me there’s hope for being better. I feel like I take one step forward then two steps back.

We had a notebook going for both of us to read. After our most recent issues, there were some events that made me stop writing. I was thinking of starting a new notebook. Just for me. Something to help me clear the fog for myself without saying any of it to him. Something that I MAY one day let him read IF we get to a safe point for it. But then I feel like I’m keeping secrets by having this notebook that he isn’t allowed to view. Should I do it? Should I do it but explain to him why he can’t read it and the benefits of me getting stuff out to paper instead of him?

Iamtrash posted 8/24/2019 19:32 PM

And thank you BSR. I’m sorry for your loss, too.

Oddly enough, that was easier than this. One thing we learned to accept is that the loss was out of our control. It took time to feel that way.

Unfortunately, this was completely in my control. That’s what makes it hurt worse. I chose to hurt my BH and my family.

BraveSirRobin posted 8/24/2019 21:12 PM

I hear you. Our loss was medically mishandled, so we will always feel like we could have done things differently, been better advocates. It's true that it's hard to know if it would ultimately have made any difference.

My H (who at the time was my BF) was always my Plan A, and I totally understand why it drives BS nuts when we say that. The arrogance of it is breathtaking, because the inherent premise is that we get to choose and control our BS like a possession. But for me, the fantasy of control, of power and desirability, was the appeal. And how fucked up is this: I decided I owed the OM because I was breaking his heart, so I felt almost noble about the decision to cross the line physically with him. Sex was a consolation prize in the romantic battle for my heart. The "winner" would have me forever. On The Price Is Right, who begrudges a few boxes of Rice-A-Roni to the guy who loses the car?

There's no way that any legitimate grievance can explain such a warped thought process. And even "thought process" is a misnomer; I was operating without thought. Some waywards' primary deadly sin may have been lust, and I'm not saying lust wasn't involved, but mine were gluttony and sloth. I loved the feeling of being everything to someone who wanted me without any conditions or reservations. I was greedy for that kind of unqualified adoration, and I was too lazy and too cowardly to figure out why I felt I deserved something so totally unrealistic, and at the expense of the person I loved most in the world.

There's a long post somewhere in here from months ago where I dug into my whys. I can find and PM it if you want, but the TL/DR is that they were multilayered. The easy answer was not the only answer, nor was the one after that. Finding them helped me confront those incredibly selfish, unsafe thought processes and lying, avoidant behaviors. Part of it is just accepting that all waywards are asshats, and I am no exception to that rule. But there were many terrible things that I had to face and absorb and forgive in my ongoing work to be an ex-asshat.

Yes, there is hope. You can get there. Frankly, you're less foggy than I was. At your stage, I was still outright refusing NC and insisting OM and I could be friends now that the A was over. At a month out, I was receiving mournful letters from him mailed directly to me at my BF's family home. Yes, I gave BF's parents' address to the guy I had fucked so we could stay in touch during my visit. SI didn't exist then, or the screams from JFO would have gone supersonic about me, and rightly so. I was among the worst candidates for R I've ever seen.

Don't give into the fear that this is all futile. If I can get this far, you can, too.

Zugzwang posted 8/24/2019 22:33 PM

You have obviously had expectations of your husband in regards to being a husband and a father in which he has failed (in your eyes) to comply with. The question is, did he have a clear understanding of what those expectations were?

Yes. There you go. There is something you own and control. Did he have a clear understanding. Even if he did, what makes yours the right way to go? You said he raised one of your children for some time. Yet, you want him to understand and be capable of doing it on his own. Didn't you say he was a stay-at-home dad? Wouldn't he understand? Stop resenting that he doesn't do things the same way you expect it to be done and feel the same way about doing it as you do. Your spouse isn't supposed to be a mirror image of you. Did he make it clear he didn't want kids before you got pregnant? Why are you so angry that he is truthful with himself that he knows he could never parent alone? That he would get support from his mother? At least he is willing to get the help. He is putting the interests of your children first. Why can't you admit that you can't? You want to put the brave face on and do it all on your own with your only your husband's help. You expect him to be the same. Why? Ask yourself if you make it difficult for people to help you? Be honest with yourself. Are your expectations to high to meet? Do you expect everyone to do it like you or feel the same?

How did you force yourself to put these issues on the back burner until an appropriate time?

How did you know when it was appropriate to talk about them? (Obviously not my focus currently.)

Maybe by focusing on how you failed.

FoenixRising posted 8/24/2019 23:57 PM

He married me knowing I wanted kids. I feel like it was communicated after the fact that maybe he didn’t.
*i want you take pause here. “I feel like,” must be followed by feelings... not thoughts... I just want you appreciate the difference and understand how really using the most unemotionally attached verbiage is the best way to see results. He said he never wanted kids or you interpreted his actions within yourself to evaluate his feelings and then make them your own? Can you appreciate the difference?
We’ve lived through the loss of our first and our second having autism. (I fully own that I needed help after both of those events. Badly. I never got help.) We were never on the same page about trying again. Or having a second. **this. This. Sweet girl. This pain has so much to do with your grief and his. You will need to come back to this together but first you must recover from the (not so simple)act of infidelity. This pain is certainly a part of your whys without a doubt. No one or SHOULD deny you that or judge you how you dealt with that pain. I’ve never lost a child and I pray with everything in me I never have to. I have no clue how I’d react. Forget that taboo aspect of the affair for a moment. Can you see and agree with how you dealt with this torment was unhealthy? Not just the A but maybe little things like using improper verbiage to communicate feelings that you honestly felt (feel?) out of control?

I also take full responsibility that I was spoiled and selfish.
**add disoriented. Because that’s a big one. The things that were out of you or H’s hands and left up to the universe or gods will or whatever you believe, were REALLY REALLY SIGNIFICANT THINGS. Those reverberated the high stress actions and decisions and choices being made. You really are level headed when not dealing with the loss of your child so I know you’ll see this... unfortunately... regardless of the disorientation... you do still need take responsibility for the choice of cheating but it’s not by saying ‘I take responsibility.’ You demonstrate it in your behavior. What would you do differently if you could go back after your child’s death? Start there. Something small. I think I’d contemplate starting smoking again. In fact I did start smoking again after my affair. That was an unhealthy choice that I would and will do differently the next time I’m overwhelmed. Don’t get me wrong, I still smoke a ciggy when I’m out with H and we’re having drinks with old time friends but not secretly in my car after drop off. Can you understand how they’re different and have altering consequences.

All that mattered was my “perfect family” and he was going to make it happen whether he agreed or not. (He was never tricked into pregnancy, there were just lots of fights over wanting another.) That’s something I need to own and accept. I absolutely played my role in our marital issues. I obviously cared for our lost child and our autistic child, but for me it was like I could never get it right. I needed my living child to prove to myself that Losing wasn’t my fault. I needed my second to prove that I could have a typical child. All of that falls on me.
**stop. Give yourself a damn minute here. Don’t hop so quick off this... no buts. That’s it. NO BUTS. when you own it, there is no “but”. Do you/did you have the right to be disoriented? Yes! Yes! You did/still do!!!!!! Can you appreciate that you’re struggling to make choices? Stop trying to be perfect. Stop being defensive. Owning is straight up ‘I had the worst thing in my life happen to me and it shook the shit out of my family’s world and then to deal with it all you made the biggest baddest CHOICE to further worsen my situation by having an affair(in reality today, you may look back and question if you were really actually dealing with all that awful bad or if it was to actually escape the reality you were living?

But I do hold onto resentment. Because of my choices, my children and desire for a family were thrown in my face for years.
**again, NO BUTS. This is tough but important. If even now you just notice how many times you say I own it.. Yada Yada... BUT... just pause.

Anytime I had a rough day, he would say to me, “Well you wanted this.”
**what did you choose to say to him in his rough days?

He would remind me that he didn’t want this life. To me, to others. Now, don’t get me wrong, he is a good dad. I know he loves our kids. He is involved and it’s clear that they love him too. He wouldn’t change his life with them. But it hurt hearing it over and over.
**imagining how badly that hurt for you. I get it. How bad did everything you were BOTH dealing with hurt him?

I don’t know if he realized until recently how deeply his words impacted me.
**it is your choice and responsibility to interpret his words into your feelings not his.

Some wives want a big house, cars, money, vacations. I wanted a family. With him. To me, it didn’t seem like an unreasonable request.
**it seems and sounds that he never said he didn’t want a family. When did he specifically say this? Bc if you don’t remember when, then it didn’t happen. Is it possible that you wrongly interpreted his actions or words into your defenses and trying to be perfect? Sweet girl. You never needed to be perfect for him. He only wanted you and what you wanted. It was you that forced yourself to be/act perfect. You made that choice. And for crying out loud. You must stop being so defensive and still trying to be perfect. Be YOU!!!!! You’re not trash.

Now, he does play a part. An active part. He feeds and changes. He gets the baby to daycare. He stays home with the baby 2x a week. With our oldest, he was able to stay home full time (I know I was jealous of this. He will complain about it, but I would have given anything to be home with my baby. Unfortunately, I’m the insurance holder for all of us. That was another issue that took me awhile to work through.) **theres those BUTS again!!!! They’re sure stinkers.

But deep down, he doesn’t realize how much I do on my own. **is this rational? Honestly? You think at this point he doesn’t see how much you do? Do you see what he does? What would he say he does to help? The above? He’s working at it now so he’s doing his part? Now you button up and let him do it. Just bc it’s not your way, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. He will do things his way. Let him. It’s not on your plate now. Do not micromanage. And if you’re still overwhelmed, then learn to ask for more help. This is SO hard for a perfectionist, I know! Honestly though, at this point where you are, if you ain’t uncomfortable, then you doin’ it sting.

Now that I have to do it all on my own, I will be honest, not much has changed for me outside of mornings. I’m fulfilling only slightly more than I was before all of this. I’m worn out emotionally and mentally because of the A and everything that came from that, so that’s the only part that makes this harder. (It’s hard as hell to focus on self care and changing when I don’t have the time for myself.)
**Stop diminishing how hard this is. Do you have family that can help out. Where the eff is your village and if you don’t have one, let’s get you one! You need reinforcements!

When all this came out, he said he was taking the kids and getting full custody. (Has since admitted he was mad and would never do that.)
**this is GREAT!!!! He is taking responsibility.

We have always agreed to 50/50 and I’d never change that. However, there’s part of me that thinks to myself, I want him to truly see the work that’s put into our kids. I’m here. Doing it alone. No help. He’s even said it himself that his mom will end up taking the brunt of the work taking care of them if we share custody. That infuriated me. Here I am, doing it all. Only slightly changing my life. And you just wouldn’t take on the full responsibility.
See. That’s the resentment I’m talking about. And I need to get rid of it if I want to focus on my stupid choice to be unfaithful.
**you get rid of this resentment bc you stop having a selfish temper tantrum and jealousy party that he has more help than you and you build your own god damn village. You control you. Your choices, situation, mood, interpretations and get a hold of them and steer them to the healthy side. Then you thank your lucky stars that the kids are so many loving, helping hands and are surrounded by people who really care. You’ve got this. Chin up lady. I have no doubt in your strength. Keep going.

Iamtrash posted 8/25/2019 03:52 AM

Why am I awake? I think my body is starting to anticipate my youngest’s untimely wake ups. (Stinker.)

You’re right. All of you. I need to suck it up and move on. Tonight I was thinking about it. Before I read all this. I had unrealistic expectations. Even if they were realistic, I didn’t communicate that with him. If I did communicate, it was after I was already mad. Not effective. I just went along like he could read my mind or something. Then I eventually got resentful. He should be able to tell how I feel. Why the hell cant he see I’m upset?! He didn’t even have a chance. If I had done things differently, maybe he would have too. It’s a weird feeling though. You’re right, I do have that perfectionist personality with some things. But I don’t have it with people outside of myself. It’s like I plan for others to fuck up and let me down. “If you want it done right, do it yourself.” No one can meet my standards, so I’ve got this. (And awful hypocritical considering I had an A. Nothing perfectionist about that.)

I am happy that he has his mom to love and support the kids. She’s a decent person. She always has been good to our boys. So maybe it’s just jealousy on my part. I don’t feel that this is super uncommon in a relationship, but when I look, there’s a lot of things that moms do that dads don’t do. (Peeing without someone crying at the door. Showering alone. Carpool to a school an hour away. School prep. Those are all things moms deal with that dads seem to not deal with. Again, not his fault. It just happens.) He has support for the things he does, no matter how much or how little he does. I don’t have that. Not even close. My support system is my coworkers. Love them, they’re amazing and would do anything to help my kids and me, but they work the same schedule I do. So, at this point, they’re more support for me. I don’t have a mom I can trust with my kids, I don’t have a dad, my closest friends either work or have too much of their own things happening. My sisters are significantly younger and have to work, plus the youngest one is only 19. Not mature enough to handle a toddler and a kid with ASD. My closest family member is my grandma, she’s terminally ill.

That’s why I get into my “do it yourself” mentality all the time. I don’t have a choice. Especially now. I either step up and handle it, or my children will suffer. That’s all I know. Even before kids. Before marriage. Life has taught me to only depend on myself. Until now, it’s worked. Why change what works? (Clearly it’s not working in my marriage though. So it’s gotta change.)

FoenixRising posted 8/25/2019 06:53 AM

‘He should be able to tell how I feel.’
How could another person POSSIBLY ‘tell’ how you feel? That’s a really big responsibility to put another. Replace ‘he shoukd’ with ‘I wanted’. This is accepting ownership.

‘‘Why can’t he see I’m upset?’ He does see.ob, he sure does. Rearrange those words to the correct verbiage of you ACTUALLY mean. I suspect if you continue your honesty with yourself that you’ll see that what you actually meant by this ‘ why can’t he see!’ You actually really meant ‘why isn’t he fixing this’. Think on that answer. Can he fix your feelings? If you do not tell him what you want so that he is capable to help, then he’s pulling at straws. I remember my H telling me that he felt discouraged because everything he tried to do to ‘fix my suffering’ wasn’t good enough. Again, unrealistic expectations.

‘If you want it done, ask for help. If you want it fine YOUR WAY, Do it yourself. is the end result no matter whom completes it the same? Isn’t that what really matters? Loosen you pull on the reigns. Give away some that control. Otherwise how will he ever know all that you do? He does have to learn but you must provide experiences for him to want to understand.

Perfectionism... you say you only hold yourself accountable to those standards... you mean you and your H bc it is clear you expect him to know how you feel, anticipate it and plan accordingly to ensure calm waters. Imagine how tiring that would be for someone. Now imagine it’s someone who also just lost a child and is hurting internally, holding in for dear life as you steer the ship, disoriented, upset. I think as mothers we naturally attempt to figure out what our baby needs when they are upset bc they can’t tell us. Its a lot of guessing... does she want this bippy pillow or a bottle or just to be held. I remember thinking so many times that I simply just wanted to ease my babes pain and suffering and wishing that he could talk to tell me how he felt so I didn’t have guess and try 10,000 different strategies or treasure hunt to find my feelings.

You discuss how men and women have different expectations when it comes to parenting. Agreed. Maybe stop providing top notch service to those babies and set boundaries. I went out and bought a new four knob that had a lock. Then looked up how to change a door knob and (literally) used my tool box to fix the problem. The day I had been changing it I was annoyed bc I was tripping all over my toddler and just wanted it done. Why I was rushing was beyond me. Scolding my son for trying to help... molding his early experiences into future therapy sessions (a little joke but not really). What a moment I missed. My soneanted to help. He’s my biggest fan. Like BIGGEST. he’s always following me around, making things take longer bc I have to stop 200 times. I can get annoyed with this OR I can simply slow down and use this moment with my son for a mini mommy lesson. It was a much better way to deal bc no one was upset. Bed didn’t get made exactly right but we’ll try again next time.

You mean your venting areana is your coworkers. That’s not support. Maybe a mommy’s helper a few hours a week can at least help you do prep work I had very little help. I eventually bit the bullet and also found some extra help. It was worth it and now my kid has a good relationship with another human being.

Why is 19 not mature enough? If we’re just going by age, then you’re wrong. There are many 19 year olds that can help. Your sister needs to step up her game. Ask her to. You have a child with autism. You will need an army of people in your arsenal once he gets into school. Start training. We got your sister, who’s next to add to your line up? Train the people in your life in how to handle your son. This is a must. You need their help. My son is dyslexic and has severe speech dejay.

Iamtrash posted 8/25/2019 07:28 AM

Can’t get sarcasm in text.
He should know......why can’t he see....

Just sarcasm. Like why would I set that expectation knowing he couldn’t read my mind.

Wanted to clarify. I know that those expectations were completely unreasonable.

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 7:33 AM, August 25th (Sunday)]

Iamtrash posted 8/25/2019 07:32 AM

Let’s put it this way, she’s 19 and we rarely know where she’s at. She should be responsible. She’s not. Love her, but I wouldn’t leave her alone with the kids for a long time.

I wish I could afford a mother’s helper. It’s not realistic for us. After daycare, we are lucky to get the bills paid.

Darkness Falls posted 8/25/2019 07:56 AM

I can relate to the feelings of jealousy. My spouse and I are in the same boat with regard to extended family—we only have our moms living and they each live several states away—but most of my friends have large networks of family and close friends nearby able to help at a moment’s notice. None of them also have a special needs child, as like you, I do. I love my daughter and would never wish to not have her but I do get mired in “must be nice” about other people’s situations, which I know is bad.

I am so sorry for the loss of your first child.

FoenixRising posted 8/25/2019 09:07 AM

Sometimes you have to put faith In People that they will get the assigned job completed. Of course no one is ever going to do is as good as you. You’re their mother. You’re theyre super hero. You are their preference bc of the wonderful job you’ve done with them. You’ll always be number one. They chose to follow you into the bathroom bc they love you SO MUCH, your shit doesn’t stink.

(I do tend to put sarcasm into my replies but it is only ever to lighten the mood. The issues in infidelity are so serious and uncomfortable... I try to put a little funny in to ease the pain. Never to insult or offend.)

Eventually, disability or not, your kids will grow and you will have all the freedom in the world to poop in peace. You’ll have a colder bed bc they’ll cuddle in less until they just never come in your room again. If you’re too busy feeling overwhelmed you’ll miss the sweetness in some of these experiences. (Likeky you’ll never miss your potty spectators though. ☺️
I’m just saying you of all people given the death of your child, know how fast things can change in the blink of an eye. Appreciate the view while your eyes are open. You’ll never get these mommy moments again. Try to feel pride in that you are the preferred parent. Don’t try for it... just realize it. It came out post A that my H was jealous of our 3 boys bc they always picked me, wanted me, sought me, followed me, bugged me. He just wanted them to pick him once. I used to think it was because they liked how I did things better bc H did them shitty. He didn’t. He just didn’t do it my way and if he tried to do it and it was wrong, I’d micromanage and then take the reigns back completing it myself. What was the lesson for him in that? More confusment, disorientation, he was wrong not knowing to do it without being told or asked. He was wrong when he then attempted to do it and then he let you take over because you pushed back in and then he shut down... it’s complete miscommunication. Loosen the reigns. Be creative.

Ask his mother to help you too. Likely she just wants to help the kid and doesn’t care for any squabbling.

How old is your son with ASD? What state are you in? I’m a special education teacher. There are a lot of organizations that provide (free) support for families of those with ASD. I am happy to look some things up for you and help you assert yourself to advocate for more care for your disabled son. There are many ways communities provide help.

Look deeper for solutions. Always deeper.