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Big financial decisions during recovery

layla1234 posted 7/10/2019 09:01 AM

I say recovery, because I still don't think we are close to reconciliation. WH never brings up the affair or seems like he wants to talk about it. He will ask me how I'm feeling, etc. Still upset that I'm on this site. My counselor has been out on medical leave so I feel like this is my only outlet. Dday anniversary is coming up. We will be on a family trip to Disney so I think I'll be OK. I'm noticing the time frames in between breakdowns are getting longer.

Anyway to the point...
I still feel like I'm in a state where I need to protect myself and my kids. It was only less than a year that he had made a decision to build a life with someone new and I don't think he understands how that makes me feel. I was and am plan B. So I need to always make sure I'm protected. I just bought a new car and decided to leave him off the paperwork for many reasons. This upset him. So I know he doesn't understand. When it was time to sit down and do the survey given to us about the purchase, he muttered something about me doing it on my own since it's my car. We are also in the middle of a lawsuit with our home and will be getting a large sum of money to make repairs. He's never been financially savvy and I'm a little worried about making these decisons together going forward when I'm so guarded. Shouldn't he be more understanding and supportive at this point in the process??

Want2BHappyAgain posted 7/10/2019 09:13 AM

I canít speak for your WH...but one of the purchases I made after DDay was a newer car... and I put it in my name only. Not only was my H understanding about it...he checked it out to make sure I was getting a decent car.

Now SI ...he didnít like me being on here at all! He still isnít fond of it... but I let him know I needed a SAFE place to go in order to talk to others who understood this trauma HE inflicted on US. He agrees .

layla1234 posted 7/10/2019 09:25 AM

He was very good and helpful during the purchase of it. He didn't get angry or frustrated (like he would have in the past). He kept me sane and calm during the first visit to a dealer who jerked us around. He felt like "my man" again only accepting the best deal. So that was nice.

[This message edited by layla1234 at 9:25 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

ibonnie posted 7/10/2019 09:39 AM

Instead of a post-nup, my WH and I are legally separated and have our finances more or less completely separate (separate bank accounts and credit cards, but we still share a phone plan to save money). He didn't want to legally separate, but having a separation agreement in place makes me feel safe and comfortable. Right now it feels like we're seriously dating (I'm obviously scared to completely recommit for financial reasons). We're taking a big trip together with the kids next month. But, as our lawyer told us, even if we move back in together full time and live like husband and wife together for the next 20 years, we'll still be legally separated unless we go back to court and fill out the necessary paperwork.

Maybe a similar set up would make you feel better?

layla1234 posted 7/10/2019 10:54 AM

Ibonnie, how do you split finances? Right now, WH makes more than I do but we can't afford two seperate living spaces (and I don't think I would want that). I would like to start building a savings for myself, but at the same time would be wary of him doing the same because I would have no idea what he is out doing.

MamaDragon posted 7/10/2019 10:58 AM

One way to split money is to have three accounts - household where you both put in a %, his and her accounts.

You can also have an account where it is a rainy day fund that only you have access too - he might not like it but that is an option. You didn't like him having an affair so in my opinion it is fair :)

In my case, I bought a car in my name only. My house is in mine and my children's name. The only other car we have is in both our names. I did that for my protection. Sadly, if we did divorce...I'd have to pay him alimony.

ibonnie posted 7/10/2019 11:08 AM

Right now he pays for everything. As per our agreement, he would be paying me spousal support until our youngest starts school in September. At that point forward, my bills are mine, his are his.

Edited to add: I have ny own savings, which he doesn't have access to. He has credit card debt that he wracked up during his affair, but while we were still married. As per our separation agreement, he assumed all CC debt accrued during our marriage. I get to keep my savings, and he covers all expenses while I'm a SAHM/until I can return to work. He's also working on paying his debt down.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 11:22 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Iwantmyglasses posted 7/10/2019 12:25 PM

There is a group of financial advisors dedicated to providing advice to the financial advisor community for divorce. They have a free ebook anyone can sign up for. This book helped me immensely prepare for my divorce if I needed to go that route.

(No Soliciting)

Click on the three lines

Click about ADFP

Click on divorce handbook.

I wish SI would permanently link this handbook. Itís beyond valuable.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:24 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

layla1234 posted 7/11/2019 10:43 AM

Thanks, all. I like the idea of keeping the joint and then having a separate savings for myself. I'm going on maternity leave soon, so it doesn't make sense to start right now but I'd like to eventually get that set up for afterwards. We spoke about it last night. He said under no circumstance would he want to get a separate account for himself (he would just continue to have his checks put into our joint account) and he genuinely seemed very sad that I want/need this. He said he wished so much I could be inside his head and read his thoughts because then I would feel safe. I said I wished the same.

[This message edited by layla1234 at 10:46 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]

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