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SoulCrushed16 (original poster member #53364) posted at 8:23 AM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2019
Yes.... Why??
I’m reading more and more gut-wrenching stories about infidelity (yes I know, infidelity site) and how more and more BSs are placing blame on THEMSELVES for what their cheaters CHOSE to do... some even make it clear that they won’t leave the abuse... why??... others get upset with the lifesaving help that they are getting... I get the pain, Hell we all do, that’s why we are here... I get most aren’t ready to face the infidelity beast, but YOU must. You have to in order to get out of it. It is NOT your fault. NOTHING you did made your spouse cheat on you. ENOUGH with the self-blame. Self-blame is NOT going to win back your cheater, choosing to stay and becoming an enabler to someone that is not even R material is NOT going to win back your cheater or revive your dead marriage. Pick yourselves up and FIGHT. Sitting back and allowing someone to take control of YOUR life should NEVER EVER be an option. If your cheater doesn’t like your new found Herculean strength, they can chocked on some nuts... you’re not a Cuckold, unless that’s what you choose to be.
"The best day of my life is the rest of my life without you " --- SC16
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:48 AM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2019
Very true. Good points.
I think when the devastation of infidelity first hits you - as the Betrayed spouse - you are unprepared (I know I was).
So when you start hearing g things like ILYBNILWY and “we are disconnected” and “you didn’t support me” and “you don’t love me” - your mind is reeling.
You are clinging to anything that can make sense of this Nightmare and these “reasons” or accusations make sense. Because they somehow explain the “why” of the Affair.
Until you wise up and realize the truth. These are just excuses or justifications from the cheating spouse to put the blame on anything and everyone but themselves.
It took me 6 months to stop listening to his crap. And believing it.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
SoulCrushed16 (original poster member #53364) posted at 9:04 AM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2019
You are clinging to anything that can make sense of this Nightmare and these “reasons” or accusations make sense. Because they somehow explain the “why” of the Affair.
Until you wise up and realize the truth. These are just excuses or justifications from the cheating spouse to put the blame on anything and everyone but themselves.
The1stwife,
I couldn’t make sense of anything... I was so gutted... and he preyed on that... on my PPD... on my worsening anxiety... about 7 months I had enough. He kicked me out and I was just... done... he’d try to come back... but I was so dead inside, I just wanted one thing... OUT.
I did ask myself why I was wasn’t enough though... and my IC quickly shot that down... he was never enough, will never be enough for anyone... he will always find someone to blame for being such a shitty human being
"The best day of my life is the rest of my life without you " --- SC16
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:05 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2019
I recommend a different approach:
Figure out what you want.
Figure out how attainable you think it is.
Decide if it's worth the effort.
If it is, go for it.
If it isn't, figure out the best you can do, and go for that.
IOW, I recommend that the BS focus on himself and his own wants. The WS s far from primary.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 4:44 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2019
I think a lot of BSs will accept, particularly early on, that they share some of the blame because that's how our brains tend to work. Whenever something bad happens to us, we automatically examine our behavior in order to teach ourselves how to avoid such things in the future. If we get into a car accident, for instance, we tend to ask ourselves what we could could have done differently to have avoided the accident and then tend to be a little more cautious on the roads (even if the accident wasn't our fault). When the shit storm of infidelity hits, we tend to do something similar. We wonder what behaviors lead to the infidelity and how we can avoid it in the future. It's a natural process.
Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022
"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown
cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 9:24 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2019
I didn't once wonder what I did to cause my fch to cheat. I refused to take any blame or responsibility for his actions. Maybe because I had already been in IC off and on for 30 years, or because I had been exposed to the idea that no one controls anyone else and everyone is responsible for their own behavior regardless of what is happening around them. I knew his cheating was not because of me.
I get very frustrated when I read about BPs doing that, or trying to do all the work to fix the WP and the relationship.
Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life
betsy62 ( member #48022) posted at 4:29 AM on Wednesday, July 10th, 2019
I, also, never took any blame or responsibility for my X's horrible choices.
We had one texting "battle" early on in the shit show.
He tried to blame me. Told me I was just as responsible as he was for his cheating.
I tore into him. It was an epic verbal(by text) take down by me.
The only way it would have been better, is if it would have been in person!
But, he was too much of a coward to face me.
I kind of wish I had saved that text!
Sometimes, you must forget what you feel, and remember what you deserve
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