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Anyone ever move after an affair?

ItsNotFair posted 7/2/2019 17:45 PM

WS and I have discussed this prior to the affair. We moved back to our hometown area once we started having children and sometimes I wish we never had. Not saying moving here is the reason my marriage has fallen apart these past few years, but itís easier to get sucked into the small town BS too. We are discussing moving out of state more and more. Not just because of the affair but also because taxes keep getting higher and higher here and the weather is pretty crappy year round. Anyways, Iím wondering if anyone else ever moved after something like this and if it helped or hurt your relationship more? Weíve been in a new place on our own before. Right when we got married we moved across the US together and it was a really great experience for us. This time around is very different though because we have 3 young children and weíd be taking them away from grandparents. Iím just not sure that I can stand to stay in this area if we are going to have any chance of working things out. Iím sick of running into people from HS. Sick of being worried about running into AP. Sick of my husbandís job (the place where the affair occurred). And I hate to feel as if sheís driving me out of here, because really I wanted to leave about 3 years ago, but Iím thinking this is the tipping point for me.

nowYOUseeME posted 7/2/2019 18:21 PM

We sort of did.

WH got a new job before A that was a 5 hour plane flight away. The plan was for the kids and I to come over once they finished important school years. But then the A happened. After dd he went down hill and my family recommend coming sooner so we did. I feel this was the best decision for us. While the A happened in this area by moving I left many mind movies behind and it was a fresh start to work on our M. We have cut contact with the people from previous area that enabled his slide into wayward thinking. Small town drama is out of our lives and we are all doing better for it.

Honestly for me, I love the massive reduction in triggers. So much was a trigger in the old area. I had to go back for work last week and all the bs came flooding back. It's not stuff that needs to be dealt with as its literary a tree or a corner where I remember trying to call him during the A. It's crazy.

So after me delirious ramble you just read I recommend moving if you are both not happy. It helped me focus on real issues not mind movie and trigger issues.

ItsNotFair posted 7/2/2019 19:37 PM

nowYOUseeME I think this area is full of triggers for me too, which is part of the problem. Itís a smaller town, and every time I see her type of car on the road my heart drops. I heard someone ran into her at a certain grocery store so I avoid that one now altogether. Even though she quit her job, going to my husbandís work makes me sick. Then on top of that, running into people I just donít care to see and have to make small talk with every time we try to have a date night around here, including his coworkers. Iím over it! Edit to add, I also found out her parents live in my grandparents same neighborhood! Iím almost positive we drive past their house on the way to see my grandparents. Iím a crazy person and stalked all of her relatives Facebook pages one day, and saw a picture her mom posted of backyard renovations which was facing MY grandparents street! WTF

[This message edited by ItsNotFair at 7:40 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

Thissucks5678 posted 7/2/2019 20:02 PM

I havenít - but I would love to. My bedroom is where he confirmed it was a PA, my front room is where I saw the text, my screened porch is where I confronted him about the text, my bathroom is where I took a photo from my phone of the text I saw, etc.

My whole house is a trigger and she never came here once. I would love a fresh start. Itís not in my cards right now, but someday, I would love it. And I love where I live, I love my state.

steadychevy posted 7/2/2019 20:10 PM

My WW ended her LTA by moving away to take a new position with the same employer. She didn't break it off, just moved away. I didn't know she was committing adultery. I was suspicious but she swore before God and a bunch of gaslighting she wasn't committing adultery. I found out 6 years later.

I changed my plans to meld with her career and bought ranch land within driving distance of her new office, moved the cattle and retired from my profession. The ranch is 3 hours from him.

I'm glad that we moved because I never saw her AP again so I never had to deal with that. I think if she had not moved she would have still been actively committing adultery. On the other hand I might have found out sooner.

Northerngal posted 7/2/2019 21:19 PM

Moved 1000 miles away from where the A took place. We had moved there for his work, away from where we all wanted to be. It was a terrible experience bc of the affair, for all of us. Wh still travels up there weekly for his work. Our recovery would be further along if heíd stop travelabd work closer. But for me, this was the best thing. Two kids are off at school and one is with me and doesnít seem unhappy about dad being gone. We were all somiserable when we got discarded. I have support here.

The mow is of no concern to me. Sheís no threat to my marriage, wh is. She has done some fishing, which tells me she has no idea heís still going up there. My life is here.

RippedSoul posted 7/2/2019 21:24 PM

We moved 2 1/2 years after D-Day. Itís been lovelyómainly because it was a move up, career-wise, for both of us. Plus, itís prettier, has better weather, lower cost of living, better schools, etc. As an extra bonus, we did move away from the bedroom where he confessed, the den where I found his password (6 months later) still used her initials, etcósimilar to a prior poster. I moved away from my S-Anon group, my therapist, my bff. Still, itís WAAAY better!

destroyed1 posted 7/3/2019 08:26 AM

Moving doesnt fix the problem if the problem moves with you.

Iwantmyglasses posted 7/3/2019 08:33 AM

Yes, we did.

It was a very good decision. No regrets.

boisesister posted 7/3/2019 08:34 AM

If you're moving to another state, check with an attorney to see how a divorce would play out in each.

There's been cases even here of WS moving their family to a new state to get better divorce terms.

Rideitout posted 7/3/2019 08:44 AM

Yes, we did. It certainly helped. Not a fix all, but the distance from where it happened does help remove the reminders. Driving around thinking "that's where she gave him a BJ" and "that's where they had sex together the first time" is toxic as hell. Most people make it work without a move, but, if you have the chance, I can't say it was anything but helpful for me/us.

ItsNotFair posted 7/3/2019 08:44 AM

Moving doesnt fix the problem if the problem moves with you.

I completely agree with this as well! I know if we move Iíll be getting away from several triggers which will make that part of my life easier, but weíll still need to find new therapists. Then if one day WS decides to cheat again anyways, Iíll be away from all family going through the same hell I am now. Realistically this move would be about a year away, so maybe Iíll be more sure of what I want for my life overall by that point.

cancuncrushed posted 7/3/2019 17:43 PM

Im considering moving now...and it has occurred to me that XWH has cheated everywhere that is my life...

our daughters city....our vacation area, many work areas, even my home town..where we live now. He brought a new AP to our home, right at the didn't even bother me at that point...I think I am eternally numb......he has soiled everywhere....amazing...Is there a trophy for this?

Datura posted 7/4/2019 01:25 AM

No. I dream about it though. I love the freedom of going on holidays and being free of driving past all the places they hooked up. It's such a mental load that weighs heavily even at almost 3 years out.

Barely a day goes by that I don't have to go to some location connected in some way with the whole ghastly episode. And they only really knew each other for 6 months all up....yet they managed to destroy everything from 'holidays to my homestate' to kids sport training grounds, to the local shops, to the airport. The filth blankets everything.

Even if I only give it a fleeting thought it is still a thought too many. Sometimes I get angry this is the crap that is in my head now. On the flip side i get angry that they destroyed MY safe place. Why shoud I leave my home and my community. However it definitely doesn't feel the same as it did before :-(

[This message edited by Datura at 1:28 AM, July 4th (Thursday)]

RidingHealingRd posted 7/4/2019 01:30 AM

About a week after dday I told my WH that I was leaving the state with or without him. He needed to get a new job, in a new state (he worked with AP), and he needed to do it quickly. It took 6 months for him to secure a new job. We moved 1600 miles away. It was the best thing we could have done. It released me from my internal prison. I was free of 98% of all triggers, I was never concerned about coming into contact with MOW (who I did not know, nor had we met), and I did not need to worry about the possibility that my neighbors knew about my WH disgusting A.
I am 100% certain that I would have D my WH had we not moved. For me, remaining in that toxic, shitty environment would have left me living a life of despair.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 1:35 AM, July 4th (Thursday)]

iamanidiot posted 7/4/2019 01:55 AM

We moved, twice.

I was very 'lucky' in that I did not know about her A's. But I knew things were wrong, very wrong.
As it so happened, I got a promotion and we moved 1000 miles away after her 2nd A.

We started a new life, new jobs & new friends. And had our 1st child. It was the best!
But there were unattended issues that never got sorted out. Like communication.

Then the next round of A's happened. Our 2nd child (possible OC?) was born. A year later when the 3rd child was on his way. We moved again, back home, but to a different town.

Specifically the grandparents - now retired - wanted to see their grandchildren, and because things were not ideal between us.

Again, we started a new life, new jobs & new friends.

Those changes, starting a new life, job, young family etc, kept me occupied. It is what got me through the next 30 years, to where I am today.
I have lived a life, blissfully ignorant to the extent of her cheating - hence the username - iamanidiot!

Justgetitoverwith posted 7/4/2019 03:20 AM

We moved a couple of times, although I didn't know about the A until we were in our current house. So although I still frequent the places I found out, was gaslighted, contacted AP, etc, there is no chance whatsoever of bumping into her, which is very important to my peace of mind, such as it is. (Although I would like to punch her in the face, so it's probably a good thing in that respect.)

OrdinaryDude posted 7/4/2019 08:28 AM

Yes, long story but we have just moved a second time since Dday three years ago, but this one was for a much better situation.

Queen posted 7/4/2019 08:42 AM

Looking back, I realize that my ex arranged moves after affairs. It did reset things because it was a distraction. Unfortunately, I didn't know to hold him accountable for his action. I just blamed myself. Eventually, he'd have another affair and we'd move again. So, moving did prolong the marriage but it didn't change what was destroying it and destroying me.

Crushed7 posted 7/4/2019 12:12 PM

Moving doesnt fix the problem if the problem moves with you.

This is priority #1. If your WS isn't truly remorseful, digging in to figure out the character gap, implementing change, getting assistance from a good IC, etc., then moving is a temporary respite.

Iím wondering if anyone else ever moved after something like this and if it helped or hurt your relationship more?

Our kids had all grown up in the area, had all their friends and my WS's family lived in the same town. However, my WS was a serial cheater and the last A was with my BFF/our neighbor. There were triggers for me everywhere including our house and her job. I indicated that moving was part of my requirements for R. My WS and her family opposed me on it. My kids didn't want to move either (and both my WS and her family helped foster that viewpoint). We separated, I moved for my own healing, but eventually my WS agreed that it was the right thing and joined me.

It was the best decision for my own healing. It not only broke the unhealthy dynamic between my serial cheating WS and I, but also broke the influence of the in-laws on my wife, our kids and our marriage. Having a period of separation helped each of us focus on our own healing, which ended up being really important for each of us and lined us up to be in a position to move towards reconciliation. I ended up being diagnosed with PTSD and I can't imagine healing well if I hadn't have moved away from all the triggers and APs. In fact, I have to wonder if I'd be alive if I had stayed. As a bonus, the taxes are lower, the housing was more affordable and the weather is much better (the impact on mood and health is pretty amazing, actually). In hindsight, my WS not only agrees that it was the right thing to do, but wishes we would have moved to our area a long time ago.

However, it isn't all roses. Moving isn't easy. We lost money on the sale of our home and that made it difficult to buy a new home -- we ended up living with family for several months to save up enough for a down payment, which was a trial on its own account. It was a major disruption in our kid's lives and that led to challenges/trials that have influenced them. Reestablishing a life and building new friendships takes a long time. Finding ICs is reset. It's a major disruption.

All said, I'd do the same thing all over. As long as your WS is really on a path towards understanding their character gaps and implementing change, moving can remove triggers and put you in a situation where you more closely depend upon each other which promotes healing.

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