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He did it again

Healing35 posted 7/1/2019 13:33 PM

At work trying to keep myself from crying until this pain is no more but where do I begin after being cheated on for countless years I feel so stupid and weak right now thinking why didnít you leave when it first started but I kept giving him a chance only to find out yet again he another phone that he has been hiding from me and the way I found out was on a receipt when he called to place a order at a store and the number and his name was on top for pick up crazy right after been told Iím crazy and to let go and trust him his words might I add and telling me he is not lying and that he wonít hurt me only to see this again and to find out he had this for a year which mean last year when I found out about the other affair he never stopped so he had no intentions on stopping I feel like a dam fool what hurts is after being together for 19 years he would go to this length to hide affairs and I donít even know why he has it he never said anything after I showed him proof why would he have a second phone only to cheat right am I crazy Iím so angry and hurt because I stayed he cheated again and I tried only to get stabbed in the back again why lie and cheat

Chrysalis123 posted 7/1/2019 14:49 PM

Welcome. I am so sorry he did it again.

He isn't a safe partner right now. Will you continue to allow him to abuse you again?

We having a saying around here, "when someone shows you who they are believe them."

He has showed you multiple times.

What is your plan?

StillLivin posted 7/1/2019 15:01 PM

This is not OT. Let a moderate know to move it to JFO, General, or Reconciliation.

With that said, you are stuck in an abuse pattern. He may not be hitting you but affairs, gaslighting, etc. are very much emotional abuse. You may need IC and therapy to help you navigate getting out of this abusive relationship. But get out. Please see your self worth and his utter lack of worth. Love yourself enough to leave. It may hurt like hell, but once you break your addiction to him after a few months, then you won't feel yourself pulled back to him. But it does take time to not feel the addictive pull to his dysfunction. Be realistic about how long it takes and be gentle to yourself.

EvenKeel posted 7/2/2019 07:42 AM

I feel so stupid and weak right now thinking why didnít you leave when it first started but I kept giving him a chance
Don't feel stupid. I also continued trying WAY longer than I should have (like a decade).

It is because we WANT to believe them!

But he continues to show you that it is not going to ever change.

You have the power to change though.

You have the power to decide you will no longer let him (or anyone) treat you like this.

I know it is hard. But you do reach a point where the thought of being happy but ALONE is way better than being lonely in your marriage.

When I was in your stage; I found hope by reading some of the stories on the New Beginnings page on SI. Even though I couldn't see me making it there - I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel.

I am almost ten years out from my D and I have NO regrets over finally ending it. Should I have done it sooner? YEP - but at least I know I gave it my all (and then some).

Sending you strength!

SI Staff posted 7/2/2019 07:58 AM

   Moving to General

sisoon posted 7/2/2019 08:32 AM

You're not stupid. It's natural to believe someone you love. Most of us saw signs but believed and believed in our partners. IMO, it's one of the nice things about being human, even though we hurt so much when we find out our trust was misplaced.

You thought you could trust him. It was a mistake. People make mistakes all the time. The real problem with trust is your H, not with you - he broke your trust.

The next step is up to you. It doesn't look like he'll change. Even if he does, it looks like you've been so traumatized you won't be comfortable with him. I, too, urge you to find a good lawyer.

And I suggest at least considering IC. A good IC can help you process your feelings and make the decisions you want to make.

Be kind to yourself. You're not the one who caused this.

KaleidoscopePic posted 7/6/2019 18:02 PM

I am so sorry for you. I wish I had the words to make it go away and make things right for you. Unfortunately, we cannot control what our husbands do. We can only control our responses. I really encourage you to seek IC. Many times we are so flooded with emotions that we cannot see our situation as clearly as a counselor who has no personal emotions invested can. A counselor can help you process your emotions and make a plan about how to move forward. I know this betrayal hurts. I know what it is to feel like a fool for believing. You are not alone, and I know the thing that helped me most was seeing a counselor.

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