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When they still work together

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Sadandsohurt posted 7/1/2019 17:56 PM

I asked did you not feel guilt for what you were doing he said yes I did at the start but we were so unhappy and it was so horrible at home it was a release. He said he dodnt feel guilty for her hisband or child as he knew it from the start. He also said he never felt jealous about her husband which I couldn't understand if you loved someone why would you want to share them or think of them with someone else. He said he dodnt think like that he was caught up in the moment. He said it wasnt her specifically it could have been anyone anyone that was showing him love support and attention. He felt free away from all the troubles with us.

Sadandsohurt posted 7/1/2019 17:59 PM

When we went to MC the guy said why wont you tell her your wife knows hr said why bring it back up. We have had a conversation that it's over and are not discussing it anymore. The MC said but that is not setting boundaries for your wife. He said but we have. She told me she can't do it anymore I agreed snd it's over. The MC said you should look to change jobs and he agreed it woukd be best but that there were other problems he felt weren't being dealt with and that he felt that this was taking over everything and he didny feel that we were looking at ththe bigger picture how we got to this and how he felt so bad about us and himself.

Sadandsohurt posted 7/1/2019 18:04 PM

I kept asking him how did you go from such strong feelings to nothing there must have been a loss sadness something. It doesnt jusy stop overnight. He agreed but said it was too short to be something to hurt so much. It wasnt real it was a fantasy. Reality hits in and you see it for what it was. He said looking back he did feel those feelings at the time but were they real or were they just filling a void in his life. He said when things end and you look at the bigger picture you realise what ot was it wasnt real it never was going to be. He said after it was over she did say she wanted to remain friends and did ask him to go for lunch

Sadandsohurt posted 7/1/2019 18:11 PM

With another girl he said that this new girl had started which was true and the AP and her had become close. They were sitting beside each other and she always wanted to have lunch with her. I explained to him having lunch even with her in a group was not right for me and I dodnt like that. He said ok and he said now he has backed off a lot and kept saying no I'm busy or will eat later. I do believe that he has stopped it in a lot of ways as I call him a lot at lunch and vice versa and he picks up plus he has worked at home and met me at lunch times sometimes.he did he doesnt know where to go from here

crazyblindsided posted 7/1/2019 18:11 PM

I gave my WS 2 options... to fire MOW or D. I wasn't going to stand for her to work with my WS (he was her boss). Only you know what you could put up with. I knew I couldn't.

Unfortunately my WS is such an a** that he took the A underground after that for 2 more years. But we are in limbo now.

Sadandsohurt posted 7/1/2019 18:15 PM

He says he will take a lie detector test even though he can't believe I would go to that. He said I will resign but how will we pay our mortgage. He says it is over how many times can I tell you. He says where can we go from here...I keep telling you and you are not listening to me. He said I need to control myself now and that no one can control anyone only themselves. He keeps saying its over I feel nothing anymore I dont look at her in that way. I have seen that it wasnt real. It didnt go for long enough there wasnt enough in ot. She ended it and they have stuck to that.

Sadandsohurt posted 7/1/2019 18:17 PM

He said it's up to me to believe it now. He keeps saying going over it every day and night is pushing me further away as we keep fighting we are not any closer ti reconciliation. As I said before when I dont bring it up or talk about anything negative he is kind and loving to me and even discussing our holidays at xmas where to go with the family. He says he is scared that we will never get over this and he is losing hope as we are stuck in this. Do I believe him it's over and that there are no feelings that they both saw the light thr hubbie is burst and the feelings didn't grow further.

crazyblindsided posted 7/1/2019 18:19 PM

(((Sadandsohurt))) if you don't like the situation and it is making you feel uneasy then he needs to make it safer for you.

I second the comment about having him read 'How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" He doesn't get how traumatizing this is to a BS but then again most WS's don't realize this

Sadandsohurt posted 7/1/2019 18:20 PM

Or do I think hes jusy better at covering it. Could he really be enjoying being with her when he knows how tainted it is and how much hurt its caused. I asked him would you have a relationship with her if she left her hisband he said no I dont think it would ever work as it wasnt a real thing with them and there is too much damage for anything to ever be good of it. My friends keep telling me they to believe him it was a mistake a bad one. They ended it and now it lies in my hands. He is still at home he isn't bringing it up. If you love on so will he..try to..its jusy so hard.. can the feelings really die

Sadandsohurt posted 7/1/2019 18:23 PM

People say yes when the emotions are not being fed. I questioned the love he wrote to her he said they were words. I did ask him do you think she still has feelings for you. He said he doesnt know that they havent discussed it. He doesnt think so as she had backed off and not talking to him as much. If he was lying wouldn't he be telling me yes she feels nothing for me. I said well that makes me feel scared that you are not sure if she feels anything anymore she could strike again. He said I really doubt it but if she does you or I can't control that. It's what he does that matters. What do you think girls?

Beachwalker posted 7/1/2019 18:50 PM

Sadandsohurt: I am very sorry you are in this predicament, along with the rest of us here! But, I’m glad you found us.

You mentioned always asking the same questions over and over. Listen to what the others are saying. Your gut is telling you something is wrong. My wife got very good at hiding her affairs, to the point she had her lovers come into our own home before I got off work, and I never suspected a thing. Your husband COULD be doing something similar, so listen to your inner self! Yes, he could be telling the truth and you could just be paranoid, but HE created this paranoia and only HE can put things to rest. HE started this whole thing by cheating on YOU. This is ALL HIS FAULT! IF he REALLY wants to save your M, then HE needs to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to save it. Otherwise, he’s still playing you.

Kevin Jackson in his e-book “So, You’re Wife Cheated On You” suggests a method called “The Fishbowl”. I wrote (typed) questions I had for my wife, tore (cut) them into strips where each strip had 1 question on it. We chose a night for answering questions and a time. When she chose a question out of the bowl, she read it and decided if she’d answer it or not. If not, the question went back into the bowl. All questions had to eventually be answered. She chose another until she found a question she was willing to answer. I started the 30 minute timer and she gave her answer. We talked about it until I was satisfied with her answer; however, I reserved the right to re-visit any question at any time, and to add or remove questions at my discretion. When the timer went off, we finished talking about the current question then put everything away. I refrained from asking questions until the next session. If I came up with another question, I simply added to the fishbowl.

Maybe something like this would help your husband cooperate with your healing questions if he knew he wouldn’t be peppered every night with them. This gives him comfort that for 6 days there wouldn’t be any further discussions or questions, and you get the assurance you can ask what you want.

Also, I agree you should keep SI a secret from him for now. There are several reasons for doing so and I agree it’s the best thing to do.

Good luck! And remember that here you are not alone.

landclark posted 7/1/2019 18:53 PM

This sounds similar to my situation. EA with a woman he works with that turned into a PA (only kissing, supposedly). She still works there.

He has offered to find a new job and says he has ceased any and all contact. Your husband shouldn’t even be saying hello or chatting with this woman. At all. Ever, and he should be more than willing to find a new job to win back your trust. Your friends and counselor are also wrong about trust. You should NOT just give him blind trust again. That’s a mistake. He doesn’t deserve it. He needs to earn your trust back. You should also feel free to ask any and all questions until you’re satisfied. He also needs to lay it all out, even if hurts. My husband didn’t and the fallout is way worse than if he had just told me. His thinking was we were already close to being done and he didn’t want to push me over the edge. Your WH could be thinking the same, but honestly it makes it worse because eventually, the truth will come out.

I hope you can get through this with your sanity intact!

landclark posted 7/1/2019 18:55 PM

My husband also pulled out the it was just a fantasy, it means nothing card for his emotional affairs. Considering one went on for 4 years, and he chased her for 3 years after, I don’t buy it for one second.

cancuncrushed posted 7/1/2019 19:00 PM

I was unable to do this...XWH continued to work with OW for another 8 months....I thought it was an emotional affair too..

HE had feelings for this AP...I could see it...the lies and TT continued...the gaslighting...the manipulations.....he chose her many times over.

He never admitted anything...never confessed anything....I got PTSD...I couldn't cope knowing they were together was small office...The combination of the deceit, the continued lies, the A itself...the not knowing...and the continuing of them, was too much...

In other words...I honestly couldn't take it. I left him for a short while, and he was forced to fire her......there was no saving the marriage...I tried for several years...I never overcame the rejection. I was never the same...HE was never the same...the marriage no longer existed. He literally mourned her...was treated for a nervous breakdown, and ADS

Every second of every day with no trying or healing just left me crazy. Looking back now, I realize he was having an A right in front of me, and I was expected to accept it...I could not. It was in my face. He was happy...he dressed for her...he couldn't wait to go to work...he talked about her to me... I remember just how shocked I I couldn't believe any human could do this to a spouse.

This was the time, I finally started seeing who exactly XWH really was...that he could do this...that he could want this...that he saw no problem in this....he was far gone from me already.

Now I realize, if he cared...if he loved me...he would have insisted on a different job situation...he would have done anything to save the marriage...he would have gave it his all if it were a terrible mistake.. If he wanted to save us, he would have saved us....he did nothing..he cheated again.....and again..

He used money and security as an excuse...yes its important....but he was never concerned with losing was a way to control me.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 7:12 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

Booyah posted 7/1/2019 19:09 PM

You said your husband told you the OW would never leave her husband? Pretty sad if that's what's stopping him. So if she would leave her husband? What then?

As for your husband not wanting to discuss this with you. An A (EA + PA) is like an assault on the BS. Both an emotional assault as well as physical.

If you called out to your husband that you were stabbed (and blood was gushing out everywhere) would your H say, "I don't want to talk about this"?

Even worse, HE'S the one who STABBED you, and he doesn't want to talk about it? FUCK HIM!!!

Listen, we certainly understand how painful this all is for you (and rightfully so). Yes your M was in a bad place before all this, but if there's ANY chance at all of saving it you have to put your fear aside and do what's right. Without trust in a relationship there's no foundation and no stability and everything WILL come crumbling down eventually.

You've been given great advice.

Cast light on this immoral act.
Tell the OBS as he deserves to know.
If the roles were reversed and he knew wouldn't you want him to tell you?

Tell your family and his family.
Give your H a date that he has to have a new job or you D.
Make him take a poly as you obviously do NOT have the truth.
Speak to an attorney so you know your legal options.

Stop doing everything for him.
Don't cook for him, wash his clothes, run errands for him, make him sleep in another room, just do the 180 on him until he realizes you are NOT F'ing around any more with this and if he truly values you and the M then he'll do whatever he has to do to show you he's being honest, making you feel he's a safe partner and validating your feelings with all of this.

If he's not willing to do this then why would you want to stay with him? Yes there's kids involved, but think about how you feel right now. Can you imagine this being your life tomorrow, next week, next month, three months from now, a year from now, two yrs from now???

That's no way to go through life.
You have ONE opportunity at this thing called life.

You are dealing with all of this from a position of fear. My advice would be to get PISSED off and say NO MORE!!! This man is supposed to be your H, someone who took vows to treasure you and to protect you and FORESAKING ALL OTHERS.

Is he doing any of this?

Why are you putting up with this crap?

Go tell his parents and family.
Go tell your family.

You are strong enough to deal with this.

Do what you KNOW you have to do.

Tell the OBS first and as you've already been told do NOT tell your H you're going to do this. Just do it!!

Then tell the OW you know as well (again without telling him you're going to do this).


sassylee posted 7/1/2019 20:39 PM

Honey, read here long enough and you’ll see that very few WS’s want to leave their spouses. They’re cake eaters - they want the cushy home life with no alimony, child support - wife cleans and cares for the kids - and they get their escape/fantasy life on the side. So whether cOW was going to leave her husband doesn’t mean a thing.

Also - we ALL asked questions - it’s like when someone gets chicken pox - the effect of having chicken pox is you get itchy bumps on your skin. The effect of being cheated on and betrayed by someone you thought would have your back - you ask questions - over and over and over and over. I asked questions for 8 months straight. Then it dwindled to about half that for another 10 months. My last affair questions? At the 5 year mark. It’s how we process the trauma...we’re trying to make sense of our new reality. It creates a cognitive dissonance - the life we thought we lived vs the reality.

Your husband does not care about what you need to heal. He is still acting the selfish fool who wants to sweep all his nastiness under the rug. He wants to point his finger at you and the marriage....anywhere except straight into the mirror. My marriage was crappy too and I’ll say it - I was a shit wife and he was a real shit husband. I should have had the divorce discussion with him years before the affair - then he would have stepped up. But I didn’t want to disrupt my kids lives. So I tolerated so much laziness and selfishness. I became a bad wife when I decided I couldn’t count on him to have anything to do with my happiness and I threw myself into my kids and my career. His solution was to have an affair.

The time to resolve marriage problems is after you’ve done some healing from his emotional and psychological abuse. My marriage is amazing now - waaaaay better than any time pre-affair.

He says he’ll take a polygraph. Smile, kiss him on the cheek and thank him for wanting you to heal. Then book the appointment. I have a sad feeling that he’ll backtrack on his willingness. He’ll start berating you for not trusting and wasting money. He’ll try to shame you - “What kind of wife makes her husband take a poly? If we don’t have trust then there’s no reason to stay married. You’re crazy - this is ridiculous - polygraphs aren’t even reliable blah blah blah” but think about it sadansohurt, for 500 measly dollars, you can begin to trust him. Half of your questions you’re asking now won’t need to be asked - because the test will back up his story. If he backtracks, that tells you enough.

Often the WS agree to a poly in an effort to make you think they are being honest and feel there’s no need for a test. Always follow through! That’s when you get the parking lot confession. Right before you go into the building the day of the appointment, the WS admits to something - something you didn’t know so you’ll think “Well I have it all now - no need for the test”. But it’s almost always the tip of the iceberg. Always follow through.

Finally Sadanhurt, your husband is not behaving like a man trying to save his marriage. His attitude and lack of remorse is a red flag. The lack of a no contact letter you approve ahead of time, the fishy story about her ending it after seeing them together (quite the coincidence), his refusal to tell her you know, his blaming the marriage and not taking responsibility - it screams continued lying.

Do you have unfettered access to his devices? Email accounts? Passwords?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:24 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

Sadandsohurt posted 7/2/2019 07:43 AM

Oh ladies...I'm devastated today I had that gut feeling again..something was not right..I called him 3 times through lunch and he didn't answer..he then sent a text to say what's up I don't want to talk,is it important? I called again still didnt pick up and then he did..I asked him where were you and he said "where was I?" It was such a strange response.. I said where were you and again he answered the same way..not I was in a meeting I was working with someone..
Then I said you were with her he said "was i?" I could hear it in his voice he was answering me back. I said omg I can't believe you would do this to know how much

Sadandsohurt posted 7/2/2019 07:46 AM

Pain I'm in now traumatized I csn you keep lying to me..this is awful..he kept saying this is crap..I dont need this..your can't do this to me..I said please just stop lying and he kept saying I'm not..I was not with her but I knew it I felt it..I felt so devastated.. I wanted to believe he wasnt so much but why not answer my calls? He said I dodnt wsnt to talk to you .ok but why didnt you reply then why wait an hour? I was in bits..I ended up leaving work early...we had messages back and forth me saying why how csn you..what's it all worth there are no winners here..everyone will end up hurt.. you will lose your family & affair

Sadandsohurt posted 7/2/2019 07:49 AM

He continued go say I'm not lying where your hardcore proof and evidence..then accusing me of lying and that I must be cheating! So he hasn't come home..I found him at the park he wouldn't open the door or window to me..I felt so broken..he videoed me saying I was a crazy woman who wouldn't leave him alone to breathe and I'm controlling..then I left..he still isn't home almost poor kids were like where is Dad. I told him hes lying to everyone me, the AP (as he knows I know and hadn't told her) and fo himself...he was horrible saying I'm crazy I need mental help..hes doing nothing wrong this is all in

Sadandsohurt posted 7/2/2019 07:53 AM

My head...I am messed up..he can't take it anymore...I said no I can't.. you had a chance you had your family your kids.. but you just couldn't leave will she look at you now when she finds out I have known for mths and you continued knowing that it would push me..she hate you for lying to her and making me pushed so I expose her and tell her I know and tell her husband. I just can't see how he would do this at the detriment of losing his family and her for what? No winners here..only everyone ends in could he enjoy it knowing I know joe broken I am now much pain I'm in?? :(

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