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When they still work together

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Sadandsohurt posted 7/1/2019 05:19 AM

Does anyone have any advice or help for me in relation to this. I feel like the recovery process is so difficult and painful and I'm constantly highly anxious and not knowing what to believe.
I discovered my husbands 'emotional' affair 5 months ago. Of course he denied it and we went through all the usual process - him being livid at me snooping and then the denial and then the covering etc..
I dont believe I will ever get the full truth. It was an emotional affair...I believe there was some kissing and hugging (which he ddnoes) he was home every evening and every weekend. . The thing is I'm stuck in a rut. Je says it is over and I sway from believing him to not. Every lunch time I'm triggered again. My friends and counselor keep telling me if you want to push forward you need to accept and hope hes telling the truth or else you're stuck in this rut. I want to believe him. It all seems so unfair how she continues to go back to her husband and family and work along with him and in left on the ground. He wont tell her I know. I think she should know I know. He says why would I bring it up now when it's over and why discuss it. He said they have both backed off and are only saying hello and small chat. We are warring at home and it's like shes winning and she doesnt even know! I don't know. He keeps saying we have and have had more pressing problems that are not being dealt with and I keep fixating on this when it is over. He feels I am not mining forward to work on the bigger problems, which is true but how can I. His remorse is not strong enough. He says how csn he come in and be nice to me when I ask the same questions over and over. That is true. I see when I don't bring it up he is warmer to me. I know I need to put it to rest but I'm living in fear is it still continuing and he's better at hiding it or will it start again. He went there cos our marraige was in a bad place and the marraige still is. He has tried to leave so many times but I begged him not to. He says I don't want to leave but I can't live like this going over it every day. It's not helping anyone which is true.
I'm still haunting by the love he wrote to her. He says it was words at the time he was happy then and she made him feel free and good about himself but now he sees it for what it was a fantasy not real..he says he feels nothing for her anymore and looks at her differently. Can that be true can you really go from loving someone and thinking they are amazing, they make you feel so good about yourself and now you feel nothing?! He says yes you realise it wasnt real and that it was a fantasy..
I so want to move forward as I know that going over it daily will never make us move on but can some one please offer any support how do they recover from an emotioanl affair when their husband still works with her?! So hard so broken so sad...
Oh and when he went to her to begin he said he wasnt happy and he was confiding in her, she said oh dont leave your wife and kids but then messed with his head more by sucking him in and telling him she loved him.. :( so hard to know what to do what to believe?? Thanks ladies

The1stWife posted 7/1/2019 05:45 AM

The fact that they still work together is a HUGE problem.

Every concern you have is valid.

Have you discussed him looking for a new job? Is he willing to do that?

You will not or may not heal from this if they still work together.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 7/1/2019 06:06 AM


Dear Lady...your pain is so RAW . I am very happy you found your way here will see that your story...although unique to so common with cheaters. It is why we call this coming straight from the "cheaters handbook" .

First off...several people on here have had their WS (Wayward Spouse) come home every night...yet they find a way to have a PA (Physical Affair) at work. They do it during their "lunch hour"...or when they are "working late"...and sometimes they are "stuck in traffic". If a cheater WANTS it to go physical...they will find a way.

Your recovery process IS difficult because your WH (Wayward Husband) is not remorseful . You need to find a new counselor if their advice to you is to "accept and hope" that your WH is telling the truth. NO!!!! Accept that your WH is LYING...and although you may never know the do NOT have to accept anything he says as the truth. TRUST YOUR GUT...ALWAYS. You are conflicted right now...and there is a reason for it Dear Lady. You ARE being lied to...and your body is responding to it. There are signals your WH is giving off that you may not "see"...but your gut can "feel". There are ways to find out some truths. Recovery software is available to help get back deleted texts. There are some phone location history software...such as the google timeline...that can show where your WH has been during the day. If your WH is truly being truthful...he won't have an issue with taking a polygraph. There are MANY ways to detect things nowadays...even if the WS thinks they have covered their tracks well.

TELL the OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) about what is happening as soon as possible. Do this without letting your WH know. Chances are...this A is NOT over (((HUGS AGAIN))). The quickest way to END this affair is to put it in the LIGHT. Your WSs (Wayward Spouses) can CONTROL their A (affair) by treating y'all like mushrooms...keeping y'all in the dark and feeding y'all bullshit!!! IF the A is over least the OBS will know what had been happening in HIS world while his WW (Wayward Wife) was the least...spouting "I love you's" to someone else. EXPOSE this to the soon as possible.

You CANNOT work on any other problems in your M (Marriage) UNTIL BOTH spouses are ALL IN on your M. Your WH is far from being ALL IN right now. You know this in your gut. Do NOT let him manipulate this situation by blameshifting or gaslighting you. You KNOW Dear can FEEL is so painfully obvious in your post . Take back your life. You deserve peace.

Sadandsohurt posted 7/1/2019 06:08 AM

Thanks for the reply. Yes he said he would leave his job but doesn't want to leave just for anything. He is on strong antidepressants and I'm trying to take that into consideration. He said that they worked together for 6 years before this and that it's not awkward between them but not the same as before the affair even. They don't talk as much...again I don't know whether to believe all that.

Sadandsohurt posted 7/1/2019 06:09 AM

He is calling me more at lunch and mostly if I call him again 20 mins later he counsellor thinks it is very hard to heal when they are still working together and that it's like rubbing salt into the wound for me. He says that starting at another job will stop this problem but won't heal his hurt and issues with our marraige. He says he acknowledges its hard for me but it's on me now to believe him and he's not doing anything wrong. So should i just believe and try to move forward.

Sadandsohurt posted 7/1/2019 06:09 AM

My counselor also said my anxiety is so strong will I just be as insecure in the next job with other women. Is it better the devil i know? The pressure feels like it's on me..if I be quiet don't raise it he will come into ththe marraige and maybe I need to do that to give it a go and see? Would you trust and try to move on as hard as it is?

sewardak posted 7/1/2019 06:10 AM

yes Lots of advice from me here

OMG people are hoodwinking you - him, your counselor, your friends. They need to stop!
The pressing problem is HIS AFFAIR.
ASK fOR A POLYGRAPH. Give him the choice to quit his job or you'll file for divorce.
why is everyone else driving the show but you?

they don't talk as much


Yes he said he would leave his job but doesn't want to leave just for anything.

he would be leaving for YOU! THE PRIZE!

[This message edited by sewardak at 6:12 AM, July 1st (Monday)]

Sadandsohurt posted 7/1/2019 06:18 AM

Thanks Want2BeHappy again. Yes he is gaslighting a lot and not remorseful but what happens if he is actually telling the truth that it is over? Before looking back when he was 'in'it he wouldn't answer his phone at lunch now he does or calls back quite quickly. Yes they were spending lunch times together and I believe they were kissing and hugging (he denies) but you believe he is really still lying knowing that I know the bubble is burst like he said its over he sees it for what it was now. I dont believe he feels nothing for her but maybe I need to let go and try to move on and see where it takes us?

sewardak posted 7/1/2019 06:24 AM

Yes he is gaslighting a lot and not remorseful

how are you ok with this? who cares if he's telling the truth if he's not remorseful?

Sadandsohurt posted 7/1/2019 06:34 AM

Yes I'm not ok with at all. When I stop at him he does show remorse but yes not enough agreed. He feels like the relentless persistent discussions and rehashing is not helping anyone at all. I guess that's true..can I expect him to come in when I'm attacking him daily and interrogating him? Even though yes I have a right to but is it proactive to keep going at him - no but it's the PTSD I know.
He has always said I'm controlling which I do admit being at times so me demanding a lie detector and tracker is just going to co form all that. Isn't that going to make us more toxic or am I just being too stupid?

Odonna posted 7/1/2019 06:48 AM

Let’s assume for a moment that he is being truthful about no physical component to the A (although there likely was). A WS still in the fog of an EA where ILYs were exchanged can gaslight himself as well as you that it was no big deal. But it WAS a big deal. And you cannot “move forward” until he GETS this!

Please download and read the free pdf book “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” by Linda MacDonald. This is a short and dynamic recipe-book for what he needs to understand and DO to heal your M. Read it and mark it up to highlight what resonates most for you, then give it to him to read within 48 hours and come talk to you.

After he reads it he will better understand that he needs a new job NOW.

Meanwhile, your WS is not in charge of whether or not the AP knows that you know. You are. So tell her you know and tell her OBS, who also will insist on NC and probably a job change for her.

[This message edited by Odonna at 6:52 AM, July 1st (Monday)]

sewardak posted 7/1/2019 06:52 AM

Isn't that going to make us more toxic or am I just being too stupid?

you're not being stupid. you're being gaslit. if he's still talking to her he's still in the affair.
you can set some boundaries to protect yourself. you say, husband, I want to feel safe in this marriage. I need the following to feel safe:

-quit job
-tell other BS
-take a polygraph to confirm what you've told me
-show consistent remorse
-realize the affair is the big problem now and not our past problems.

it's your choice, husband, to do these things. i will assume you don't want to remain married to me if you're not on board with them. after all, if I had an affair i would be willing to jump through hoops to make you feel safe and loved.

Sadandsohurt posted 7/1/2019 07:01 AM

Yes I agree.. but is telling her husband and hurting him (as much as he should know his real wife) going to cause so much drama and pain if it is really over.. then there will be so much more drama and pain.
Our marriage was really bad before this happened (no excuse for what he did) so there is some part I need to play. Of course I didn't deserve this but if he was so checked out and we were fighting loads now this bomb can we move past this and concentrate on the other crap. Has anyone hisband continued working with their Emotional AP? Can their feelings go away?

sewardak posted 7/1/2019 07:12 AM

but is telling her husband and hurting him (as much as he should know his real wife) going to cause so much drama and pain if it is really over.. then there will be so much more drama and pain.

this was caused by THEM, not you. and DO NOT tell your husband you're going to do this! He'll tell the OW and she'll tell her BS some crazy lady might contact him. Give him proof.
Wouldn't YOU want to know?

so there is some part I need to play

no there isn't. you had a part to play in a bad marriage. you had NO part to play in his affair. and tell him that. in fact, you mention badgering him and questioning him, I'd 180 him until he's remorseful, attempts to quit job and agrees to everything on your list.
don't even engage with him. currently, he's not worth it.

[This message edited by sewardak at 7:13 AM, July 1st (Monday)]

Chaos posted 7/1/2019 07:23 AM

but is telling her husband and hurting him (as much as he should know his real wife) going to cause so much drama and pain if it is really over.. then there will be so much more drama and pain.

You can inform without being cruel.

Any fallout is a consequence of their continued behavior. They can play "victim" all they want, it won't make it so.

Sadandsohurt posted 7/1/2019 07:26 AM

Yes I agree with all of that...that was his choice..he could have stopped it and seen the pain he would cause.. he was so caught up in himself and his own 'fake' happiness he didnt think about the consequences...
But me exposing it all and creating all this more pain wont that just ensure the marraige is over? Yes she should know her husband should know but if I'm trying to save my marraige wont this make it all so much worse for everyone anand potentially bring tjem closer as her hisband will leave her immediately..then she will run to my husband?

Sadandsohurt posted 7/1/2019 07:37 AM

Badgering him daily about if he sees her talks to her, temptation again, opportunity again? Is that not pushing him away..I know it is..I have been a nightmare. (Yes I deserve to be) but I know if I want to save my marraige hounding him daily and fighting about it for 5 months has not brought us closer or to any resolution? Hr totally shuts down walks away and says I have answered these questions over and over...every day the same questions. I am obsessive. We went to marraige counselling and he told us that there comes a time when we need to stop talking about it or it becomes more toxic

Chaos posted 7/1/2019 07:48 AM

Yes she should know her husband should know but if I'm trying to save my marraige wont this make it all so much worse for everyone anand potentially bring tjem closer as her hisband will leave her immediately..then she will run to my husband?

Very gently - you keeping their "secret" won't prevent that from happening. It only adds a degree of difficulty and [perhaps] adds to the excitement.

Not telling OBS on DDay1 was the biggest mistake I made. Because it went underground. Despite my vigilance. Despite his promises. Despite the pain and destruction to his family.

He's living and enjoying the best of both worlds. Fat and happy on all the cake of you both.

Tell OBS. Use facts. Don't fire a warning shot. Just do it. There will be fall out. It will suck. But you will no longer be living a lie.

Sadandsohurt posted 7/1/2019 07:58 AM

And..if it is really over and he is really being honest then I lose it all which I'm scared of. My kids are so young I dont want to split up this family. Yes he took that chance and knew what could happen. But could he be telling the truth that it over hes much more accountable at lunch time (not every second) and calling me and taking my calls. Could it be true that it is over they realised they were caught ended it and they are keeping their distance. Yes i have to live with the what if it starts again but should I give him this chance and see where it takes me? Takes us..believe him?

Want2BHappyAgain posted 7/1/2019 07:59 AM

You will see as you stay on here that what is happening is very NORMAL. You keep being obsessive about the questions because you KNOW something isn’t adding up. This is classic gaslighting...and it makes you start questioning yourself. your gut. Your WH may have said something different than before...or he added a little more information. EVERY NEW PIECE of information sets you back to square one. You have to process this new information again to make this puzzle piece FIT. Asking the SAME question is actually different...because you have different information. Does that make sense? Believe me...when the answer FITS... and you are satisfied you have all the information you can will stop asking those questions.

Getting angry is another form of manipulation in the “cheaters handbook”. If he gets angry and it makes you stop asking questions...then getting angry WORKS. Dr. Phil says we teach people how to treat us. YOU become the teacher... and stand firm that you REFUSE to be treated this way. HE brought this into your M...and he HAS to help you through this...if he is truly remorseful.

If your WH doesn’t want to have you asking every day about talking to the adultery co-conspirator...running into her...etc...then HE should be upfront in telling YOU every day whether he has talked to into her...etc. Since he doesn’t...and you need to know this for your sanity...then keep asking! If this causes him to leave...he was never going to be ALL IN...and this will save you months...if not YEARS of false R.

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