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So am I an idiot to stay when others donít

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Dontworrybehappy posted 6/26/2019 10:44 AM

This kardashian drama is really pulling some triggers with me... do you guys feel I am a fool to stay when my husband made out with a mutual friend TWICE. And people are blowing up over 1 kids with that drama..

Makes me feel like a loser and I have no self respect... these are my thoughts not opinions of others. So donít take that as me saying this about you guys. Mine is cause I knew the OP I donít know if that makes it worse or better...

99lawdog99 posted 6/26/2019 10:49 AM

Don't ever base any decision on what others do or think. Do what is in your best interest. Never feel weak or ashamed for staying. As far as I am concerned, it is much harder to stay and try to work things out than to just pack up and leave. Some things are worth a little more effort and if they show true remorse, it may be worth it. But that is something only you can decide. Good luck.

Unhinged posted 6/26/2019 10:56 AM

Considering that I've given my FWW the chance to reconcile with me, it'd be hard to say that anyone else is an idiot for staying. The question is whether or not your WH is willing and able to do the work that reconciliation requires.

Don't be too hard on yourself. This shit is hard no matter you decide to do.

As for your friend, well... she's really not much of a friend, is she? There's a thread in the "I Can Relate" forum called "Double Betrayal" that's specifically aimed and helping those who have been betrayed by a spouse and a close friend.

Chrysalis123 posted 6/26/2019 10:57 AM

You are in charge of your life. It does not matter at all what others do.
In fact everyone looking at a relationship from the outside, has no idea what is really going on inside the relationship.

To survive infidelity you need to find your center. Find your whys, find what is important to you and compare it to the relationship. If it matches...great. Then look at the he a good candidate for reconciliation?

You are in charge of this decision and we will respect your decision.

The1stWife posted 6/26/2019 11:04 AM

On paper after his second Affair and him having one foot out the door to D me during his last Affair - most people here at SI would tell me to run!!!

Rightly so.

But I saw something different this time. And we have happily reconciled. So many people I know stay and reconcile. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesnít.

But only you can decide what you feel is best for you. And no one elseís opinion matters. Donít beat yourself up over your decision if you feel you made the right decision for you.

Funny story. The OW in his last Affair posted all over social media ďhow she would never stay married to a cheaterĒ. Basically taking potshots at me which I ignored. So itís ok to be a cheater (in her book) than Reconcile and forgive. ROFLMAO. Go figure.

MamaDragon posted 6/26/2019 12:01 PM

No, you are not.

I not only stayed with my FWH but decided to R after only 12 hours of finding out. Mainly bc I *knew* the whole situation, whereas my friends/family really didn't know.

I knew I'd be fine either way, as I told him - remember, I replaced my ex with you, I can replace you as well with a newer, more improved choose wisely

Booyah posted 6/26/2019 12:50 PM

Why in the world would you waste ONE second of your life watching anything to do with the Kardashian's?

Dontworrybehappy posted 6/26/2019 15:27 PM

I honestly know what my biggest struggle is in it all. I have this fantasy I put in my head. Maybe itís all the movies made and people making cheating ďokĒ but I think that for me I have it in my head that I was his second choice. That he has wanted her from childhood. Because they gave known each other from 8th grade. She has been with his friend from I think 9th. So in my head maybe cause I am a women but I feel ok so she came on to him he thought she likes me and ran with it. So here I am in a struggle of all these years feeling second best. Second option. He is here cause he canít have her, and thatís why he tried and kissed her again... this is where no matter how many times he tells me for some reason I made up my mind itís this and well here I am.

NoMoreRugSweepin posted 6/26/2019 16:11 PM

You deserve to be the first choice. Tell her spouse about this too.

KatieKat posted 6/26/2019 16:15 PM

This is a great forum to share thoughts and get honest input from women who have been there.

It might also help you to talk to a counselor, or volunteer with kids or animals. Also humor is a healthy ways to cope.

In general ~ chin up, sister! Weíre here for you..

HellFire posted 6/26/2019 16:41 PM

The biggest reason people think Chloe should leave Tristan, is because he has a history of this shit. He was unfaithful, several times, when he was with his now ex(and mother of one of his children).

Chloe knew what she was getting in to. She was one of the women he was cheating with. He left his pregnant fiancee to be with Chloe.

And, some people watch the Kardashians because it's entertaining, mindless TV that sometimes helps you escape your heartache for an hour.

Dontworrybehappy posted 6/26/2019 17:52 PM

I really so appreciate the insight you guys all give me. Some days are so hard.

I guess no matter what we all will not ever really know the why?

I just wanna know how you know if you are the second choice. I hope this isnít true I truly would just want to lay down and die.

Beachwalker posted 6/26/2019 18:00 PM

When I first joined SI and shared my story, many people told me to D my WW, and I almost did 3 times. Each time I had a totally different person tell me to ďwaitĒ. They didnít say ďDonít divorceĒ, just ďwaitĒ. I have seen good transitions out of her since, even though there are days I feel I just canít take it anymore or have more questions than when I started this crappy journey. But, she is changing, and if my marriage can be saved from such a horrible, long string of events, then thatís what I want to pursue.

I took the advice from people here and other places, and made up my own mind on what is right in my situation. Some advice made sense for me, some did not, but I am the only one in my situation and who knows all the little details. The same is true for you, and I advise you to listen to what everyone is saying, think about the information and your situation, then make up your mind and do whatever you decide is best for you.

We are here for you. You are not in this alone.

Dontworrybehappy posted 6/26/2019 18:24 PM

He doesnít love me does he... he would have ran with her if she was into it on her end?

Odonna posted 6/26/2019 20:09 PM

Have you asked him this? Be brave enough to face your fear and do so, or that nagging voice will hound you all your days....

Is he in IC to explore how he could do this callous thing? Since when does any sane person kiss his best friendís wife twice in order to diagnose his own marriage or his ability to cheat?

What makes sense to me is that the friend was enraged about her husband wandering off at the party with another woman and used your husband as a sort of revenge affair to inflict pain on her wayward husband. Everyone was drunk. But the big issue was the second time, which he pursued. I think you need to know a lot more about his thinking, which I do not think even he currently understands. He needs IC. You too, Sweetie.

[This message edited by Odonna at 7:42 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

Dontworrybehappy posted 6/27/2019 08:43 AM

You have asked him. He saidd he has NEVER liked her in that way. That he never would have pursued her if she didnít initiate it. And the reason he did that again is cause he was figuring things out and knew she would. He literally had to talk her into it. She was telling him it wasnít a good idea and so on. So thatís my other question. If you truly likes someone and they denied you wouldnít you feel like an ass. Not keep trying..

Also months after that happened. ( keep in mind I didnít know for a year after) she told him I could kiss you right now but I wonít. And he said good I donít want you too. So if he did ďloveĒ or ďlustĒ her why wouldnít he?

The1stWife posted 6/27/2019 14:10 PM

Iím sorry 😐 you are stuck in this phase of analyzing everything. I know how it just tortures you.

I have a few suggestions that may help you.

First - stop trying to make sense of this. Affairs defy logic - people you would never think of as a cheater are in fact a cheater.

Second - try to stop over analyzing everything and fixating in every nuance of the details - who kissed who first, how many times etc. it will make you become unglued and fall apart more.

The facts are that he cheated. He made a choice to cheat. Once or twice or ten times or ten years - his cheating has nothing to do with you or has nothing to do with anything but his selfishness and wanting the ďthrillĒ of getting away with something.

You have no way of knowing if he will do this again or not. There are no guarantees in life and sadly this is one. But you can work on the issues in your marriage and address things and get to a place where you are both happy AND hopefully it is enough to stop anyone from cheating.

Set your boundaries with him now. As in if you want to Reconcile then here is what I need from you. Donít be afraid to man up and be strong. If that sends him running then he wasnít going to be the H you need or want.

I hope this helps you. We have all been in this place and the BS understand it better than anyone.

Smoked posted 6/27/2019 15:35 PM

Donít worry you are going to continue to drive yourself crazy.

He didnít choose her.

You need to decide to let this go or separate and divorce.

You need to put an end to this for your own peace of mind.

Let it go.

Dontworrybehappy posted 6/28/2019 08:34 AM

This is what I text him.

Listen you tell me all the time to be straight with you and not to sugar coat, or drag it out to get to a question.. so here it is.

Basically I am so sick my soul and body of holding on to something all this time as you are too. I need and want you to give me a better reason a true better reason than I did it to figure out our marriage. I feel like it was a surface response. I know you wonít seek therapy and donít believe in it. But also you donít know how to explain things that I understand. But I need to know why for my own sanity. And maybe you are scared to hurt my feelings more I donít know. Maybe you donít even know why you did it. But reasons for cheating are usually.

Feeling unappreciated
And so on..

I feel like if you had to kiss to figure me out that should be your answer right then. Like it wasnít about me! And it makes me feel like the biggest reject loser.. maybe that why I canít accept that answer cause it seems so heartless.

I 100 percent know I did what I did for ego. I was sad, hurt, and felt like the bottom of the barrel or like I was just a second option all that time. I loved you so much and always have I gave you 100 of me and I know it was all just to hear I didnít suck I wasnít a second choice and so on.

This is how I feel and what I need to talk to the therapist about. And maybe try to see it from my view. In my head I feel like and this is why I always ask if you had feelings. But here is what I placed in my head and itís there cause I donít truly have a reason. But you had a crush on her and she got with your friend. You thought it wouldnít last and it stuck. You dated girls, but may have always had a little crush with her. So the night she kissed you, maybe it gave you hope or excitement. So you then wanted to see if she had feelings. Or see if you did initiating the second kiss. It didnít work out so you felt embarrassed and bad calling saying sorry. This is me stuck and I guess thatís whatís hard about it being her. Cause your history and closeness you had with her.

I know you are sick of this hate this and so on. As do I. But being off now on meds again I think I get it. I see what is holding me so tight. I have felt all these years second best. Like you tried she denied and you felt bad and stupid and then that was what you came up with.
When I told you why I fucked up I dug in my gut to figure it out and was honest. I guess thatís all I am asking of you. Just to really know why.

I just want to be happy I want to be your first as you are mine. I guess I never truly got a real reason from you itís such a big wide open reason that I feel shorted and try to piece it together..

Dontworrybehappy posted 6/28/2019 08:34 AM

His response!

Ok so I think I can help when I say I did it to figure us out is that we battled each other for a long time and I was questioning you and being married all together and then she kissed me the first time so it already happened so I used her to find out our problems which was wrong and I didnít know how to communicate that to you cause I have never been good at talking to you and my whole life I have always handled my own problems so I just did what I thought was right and used her to figure us out ..... and for me ever liking her is a big NO I have known her since the 7th grade and never has feelings for her like that I never Iím my life have ever hit on her trust me she does nothing for me cause she is very self indulgent which you know I donít like but ya we were friends and thatís all it ever was I used her because the first time already happened so yes it was being young and dumb and not knowing how a marriage worked so I reverted in solving my own problems I have always had you num 1 back then and to this day if I didnít love you then I wouldnít want to have figured it out in the first place which I learned (the hard way) but I have always loved you babe I hope that helps

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