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Question about the 180 process

Kb82 posted 6/22/2019 20:56 PM

After trying to trust my husband after I discovered pics of a coworkers ass on his phone in March, he's still been lying and doing nothing to truly show remorse, rebuild trust, or help me heal. So I have been researching the 180 effect and practicing it recently. It's already helping me and he's already noticing. We at the moment still live together because I'm pregnant with our 5th child. My question is, since I can't avoid being around him sometimes, am i supposed to act cheerful and happy spending time with HIM? Because that's very hard. He tries to hug and kiss me and show affection and i just can't because I'm constantly catching him in lies. I haven't said anything to him about the most recent lies. I'm just acting like I don't care and really I don't. Anyone that has done the 180 have any advice?

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/22/2019 21:01 PM

am i supposed to act cheerful and happy spending time with HIM?

Absolutely not! Ypu should have as little contact with him as possible. If you don't want him to hug you, don't let him. He doesn't have the right to touch you without your consent.

You don't have to be nice to him at all. Civil because you are living together and have children, but that's it. Do your own thing. Live your own life. Don't pay any attention to him.

Kb82 posted 6/22/2019 21:38 PM

Thank you. That's basically what I've been doing. Being civil for our kids but kind of pretending he isn't here. I just wasn't sure because it says to act cheerful. I find joy in my children and other things in front of him but kind of ignore him. He gets mad when he tries to hug me and I push him away. Yet he's still lying and refusing to really address the problem. The process is helping me. It's nice to just focus on other things because I have been so invested in our marriage and trying do hard. I had a wake up moment not long ago when I kept finding lies and he didn't care. 8 shouldnt be doing all the work after what he did. Hes not really remorseful or trying and he's the one that should be. Letting go and focusing on other things has been a huge weight lifted off me, and I'm starting to feel happiness again.

fareast posted 6/23/2019 03:11 AM

kb82:

You are doing the right thing in implementing the 180. You donít have to be nasty or mean to him. Just no idle chit chat or conversation. As little contact as possible except about finances and the kids. The attitude is you are moving forward with your life. There is nothing wrong with being cheerful in your demeanor, and there is a lot of good things ahead for you. You do not do this to punish him, but to get mental space for you to heal and plan for your future. Seeing you be cheerful as you detach and move on from him sends a strong message as well. You are doing it right IMO. Good luck.

Tren0R201 posted 6/23/2019 05:49 AM

He tries to hug and kiss me and show affection

and?

When he's not hugging you and showing you affection he's recieving pics of other women's asses.

180 is not about getting a reaction. What is your endgame? Staying together, separating, divorce?

You can really do what you want. If he hugs you, does that mean he's forgiven and all is forgotten? If you smile or laugh does it mean everything he has done is bygones? Of course not.

Perhaps instead talk to him. Tell him where you are, tell him about the latest lies, tell him you're not going or police him or check up on him, then start to take care of yourself and your child. Then you watch and observe.

Again, endgame, after the child is born then you can set the next stage of the plan in motion.

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/23/2019 09:15 AM

Letting go and focusing on other things has been a huge weight lifted off me, and I'm starting to feel happiness again.

And, that's the whole point. It doesn't matter what he does anymore. You've got your own life to live and you are going to enjoy it.

I think when it says to be cheerful, that means to enjoy what you are doing. Don't wallow in your pain. Fake it til you make it mentality. Ypu really can change the way you feel by changing your thoughts and actions.

Kb82 posted 6/23/2019 10:25 AM

Thanks you all. It's really frustrating because he tries to joke around to get me to laugh and act like nothings wrong and follows me around initiating conversation. Secretly that pisses me off because so much is wrong because of him. I just ignore him as much as I can. Living in the same house it's very hard sometimes.

Stevesn posted 6/23/2019 23:36 PM

Kb

You are doing the right thing.

I think itís good to have a written set of requirements of him for even trying to recover the marriage so that if he ever comes back groveling asking what he can do regain your trust again and repair the damage he has caused you can tell him (once and once only) what he needs to be doing.

Then itís up to him to do it, not you and without you pushing him to make it happen.

If you can find the Private Message function here (via your profile page) Iíll send you an example list to use.

Good luck and stay strong.

totallydumb posted 6/24/2019 10:40 AM

This 180 list may help.
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For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.

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