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Hurt, betrayed

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The1stWife posted 5/31/2019 20:27 PM

My H told me the same thing after 25 years of marriage. He’d been unhappy for years. ILYBNILWY speech. I want a D almost every three to four weeks.

Finally when I had enough and was tired of being patient and trying to show him we could resolve this, I had enough. So I told him after his Affair was about 12 months old that I was Divorcing him.

Suddenly he’s begging for a chance to reconcile. My biggest regret was not doing it sooner. I had to live with his infidelity far longer than I should have.

I did confront him after 3 weeks - her or me. He was scared and said me. But he lied and I knew it. He was still in the Affair Fog. I should have kicked him out right then and there. But I was a doormat and suffered another six months with his infidelity because the Affair resumed a few weeks later.

Doing nothing is a mistake.

Western posted 6/1/2019 10:20 AM

Good call Drew. Thanks for listening to the others, especially Marz. Separation is a hallmark card to keep the affair alive. If they want separation, move on the divorce. The only separation that should happen is separation pending divorce and if that separation ends without divorce, then you have to question if they were working on themselves during the separation or just seeing other men/women.

Give us an update and keep on your path

Western posted 6/1/2019 10:24 AM

again reading the other posts, all of these people are spot on and they are very respected posters here.

I am sorry that she is betraying you. She is also betraying your one year old.

Listen to the 1stwife. Her story is sad but she fought back hard.

Dismayed2012 posted 6/3/2019 13:54 PM

I agree with the decision to D. She wants to string you along and possibly get out of state before you file. Once you file, she's locked into staying until the divorce agreement is signed and the D is final. Don't allow her to set the terms of your relationship. Show her that no matter who she's screwing, you're still in control when it comes to your child, and that you'll let her know what she can have and do in the agreement.
It's important that you don't tell her that you're filing. Let her be officially presented with the divorce paperwork before you say anything. If she knows that you're in the process of filing, she can flee to another state and it could complicate your filing and the custody of your child.
Take care of yourself.

fooled13years posted 6/3/2019 15:01 PM

It appears as though she thinks she is some kind of prize. Many people who have been through this know that a faithful and honest spouse is the prize. I believe she thinks she is driving the bus. File and let her know that you are driving the bus and it is up to her to prove she is capable of being a passenger on your bus. If not, she might want to watch out for the wheels before she finds herself under the bus.

Smoked posted 6/3/2019 15:17 PM

Drew find out the top five divorce lawyers in your area.

Go and talk with all five.

Then hire the best one.

Do not tell your wife anything about it.

Let her find out when she is served with the papers.

Read up on and do the 180.

Only discuss things about your son.

Get the lawyer to draw up custody papers stating your son has to stay in your area. ASAP!

Krieger posted 6/3/2019 19:49 PM

Let me translate her words for you in cheater speak.

She has feelings for another guy and hasn’t been happy for years. This is revisionist history to justify her actions. She is inadvertently blaming you for her not being happy.

She claims to love me but not be in love with me. This is cheaters speak to sooth you in hopes you won't hate her.

She wants to work it out but at the same time doesn’t. She wants you to put your life on hold until she can see if the new relationship will work out. She wants to Eat Her Cake and Have It Too.

She wants to go to a counselor for help. She wants to buy time, it string you along and make it look like she is trying.

I brought up divorce and she said no, just be separated so she can find herself again. She wants you to give her space so she can she her new flame without interference from you.

She’s from another state from where we currently live and wants to move back. The distance gives her freedom without hassle from you.

You can't reconcile without her giving up her toy and dedicating herself to the marriage. I think you know what you have to do, it's just that it is not what you want. You can't hold a marriage together by yourself and frankly you deserve better.

Get in shape, the exercise with help with the stress and make a healthier you. Spend quality time with the kids without her, they value your time and will help with the transition. You also need to save some time just for you.

rambler posted 6/3/2019 20:46 PM


If she is talking about leaving state you need to file and assert your rights. It is very expensive and not a sure thing if she leaves. Yo need a court order to say she can not.

beenthereinco posted 6/4/2019 08:44 AM

Yes you probably should file right away and make sure she can't take your child out of state without permission. Also if this comes to a Divorce (Filing doesn't mean divorce it just starts the process) you want it to be in your current state most likely because there will be residency requirements if she moves that can make it more complicated or slower.

NoOptTo posted 6/4/2019 19:00 PM

How you doing Drew? Hope your getting ducks in a row. If you need to vent or get further ideas, let us know. We can help you through this.

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