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Hurt, betrayed

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Drew0907 posted 5/29/2019 19:47 PM


I posted previously but when editing it deleted. Anyways, my wife told me she has feelings for another guy and hasnít been happy for years. She claims to love me but not be in love with me. She wants to work it out but at the same time doesnít. She wants to go to a counselor for help. I brought up divorce and she said no, just be separated so she can find herself again. We have a 1 year old, which makes things difficult. Sheís from another state from where we currently live and wants to move back. She knows I wonít allow it and will fight tooth and nail to keep him.

I donít know what to do or what to think. I want to work it out but donít like playing pick me. I donít know if I believe her to want counseling to work based on her saying she wants to be separated. Due to my job, I donít have many friends because of the odd hours and weekends worked. So hopefully I can continue to find support through you all.

Marz posted 5/29/2019 19:52 PM

I brought up divorce and she said no, just be separated so she can find herself again.

This comes up all the time and the purpose is to spend time with the other man with you out of the way.

Sounds like she wants to cake eat rand the affair maybe ongoing. At least with her anyway.

Marz posted 5/29/2019 19:56 PM

You want R immediately but she doesn't. Which means you'll get strung along if you let it.

Not a good place to be in. You need to get strong and stay there or this will just get worse and last longer than it needs to.

Keep reading you need all the help and support you can get.

It might be a hoodie idea to inform your superiors so they know. This is not something that haven't dealt with before

NoOptTo posted 5/29/2019 20:07 PM

Go see a lawyer and learn all your rights ASAP. The last thing you need is your WW up and leaving one day with your son when your off at work.

Show your WW that you value yourself and will not tolerate a separation. It's another way of saying , I want to continue having fun without you around. But I want your financial support during this time.

Ther is a saying here, if you want to save your marry, you have to be willing to lose it. You show strength by having her served D papers and telling her she has til the D is final to prove to me that you want our marriage. You are the prize now. She is the damaged goods. If she becomes remorseful over regretful and shows you through her actions that you matter then you can offer the gift of R,reconciliation. Not til then.

RocketRaccoon posted 5/29/2019 20:45 PM

Why give her a choice?

Why let her control the outcome?

Did she consult you when she chose another guy?

Yes, the Pick-Me dance is the worst thing a BS can do, as it shows that the balance of power in the M is in her favour.

We all know WS usually don't think, and you are entrusting a life-long decision to someone who does not think?

This will impact your child, and you will need to set a good example for your child on the long run, so start now, by showing what a strong, assured, and confident person can do. Take control back.

JS84 posted 5/29/2019 21:02 PM

I brought up divorce and she said no, just be separated so she can find herself again.

Translation: She wants some time to try out a new guy (who it's possible she already is) as guilt free as possible. Being seperated/"on a break" basically let's her do whatever/whoever she wants in her mind. While you sit around with your thumb up your butt waiting to see if she'll deign to come back to you.

That's the red-headed step brother of being a cuckold. And won't leave you much better off than doing the pick me dance.

Have to agree with what others said, you need to be the one making decisions. Not sitting back waiting to see what she decides to do.

I'd recommend having her served with no warning. Doesn't mean you have to go through with it or even divorce her period in the end. But it will be a huge wakeup call and let her know you're serious.

She needs to realize what she stands to lose and the reality of what she's giving up. Nothing drives that home faster than a process server putting those papers in a cheating spouse's hands. And the sooner the better.

You let her live in Fantasyland for too long because you can't make the hard decisions, it will be that much harder to get her out of it later if at all. Hope things work out, good luck.

Marz posted 5/29/2019 21:03 PM

It's like this.

You can't make her do a thing. You can only control yourself.

It's not in your best interest to live like this. She will play and spring you along only if's you allow it.

The big problem is you're early in your marriage and she's already cheating. You are supposed in the honeymoon phase right now.

False R's and multiple ddays happen here all the time.

Read and fully awaken to where you are

AbRamK posted 5/29/2019 21:58 PM

💯 agree with JS84. follow his advice, it may or may not save your marriage, but it will clearly convey the consequences to your WW and Itís up to her to decide between you and OM. It also will help you to understand what she wants and accordingly you can proceed with your life. Most importantly it will save your Self Respect. May God bless you!

Marie2792 posted 5/29/2019 22:17 PM

Iím sorry you have had to find us.

My advice to you is shove her off the fence. She is still in the affair and he lives in her hometown state it appears. The child will keep her where you are now. Counseling for you as a couple wonít work right now because she is not fully committed to reconciling or sure she even wants to. Take the power away from her. File papers and serve them. You can always rescind them later. You are in control of what you need and anything you decide to do as far as reconciliation or later on, forgiveness maybe, is a gift from you to her.

Drew0907 posted 5/29/2019 23:56 PM

Thanks everyone for the replies. As mush as I donít want to, I think Iíll go ahead and file. Does anybody have any personal experience with the process and what happens after you file?

Jduff posted 5/30/2019 00:13 AM

In my experience my XW actually filed first...secretly, after she moved out of our home and into her own apartment so she could start openly dating her AP. But, she delayed serving the petition until I hired my own attorney who found the petition online and immediately filed a response to get the ball rolling. From that point forward it was a lot of foot dragging...on my XW's part to keep delaying the divorce from finalizing.
We were already separated and I started dating, my XW found out I was dating and cried her eyes out. But then I was done with her bullshit anyway and cheating was a dealbreaker for me so D was my choice after I found out her intent to move out was to date her AP.

You must bev willing to lose the marriage to have the best chance of saving it. That is IF you still want to save it.

GoldenR posted 5/30/2019 04:02 AM

Once you file, they will ask you about having her served. When I did it I was given the option of paying a fee to have county law enforcement do it, or I could take a waiver to her to sign in front of a notary that she was agreeing to what was in the paperwork, and turn that back in myself. After that, it was just waiting for time to pass

Marz posted 5/30/2019 06:30 AM

IMO doing nothing in these situations is about the worst thing you can do.

From your posts your only other option is to wait around until your wife makes a decision whether to keep you or not?

You have value. Why not use it?

[This message edited by Marz at 6:31 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]

BigMammaJamma posted 5/30/2019 09:16 AM

Man, Drew, I am so sorry you are here. If she is waffling, serving her divorce papers unexpectedly at her work place or in front of people whose opinions matter to her will give her about as close to a shock as she gave you when this began. Good luck, I am rooting for you to restore the power balance back in the relationship. Know your worth and please don't accept anything less.

MickeyBill2016 posted 5/30/2019 11:08 AM

I am not an expert on family law but from what remember with a family members situation taking the kid across state lines once a divorce starts need permission of the other parent.

Is she planning a visit home (to see her BF) with your son? If so she could extend that to an open ended return date until she finds herself.

If she goes home be sure to let your inlaws know that the two of you are going thru problems with her attraction to another man. In her home town, exposing it might help. Her family will probably support her but they also will have a WTF are you doing conversation with her.

Bigger says let her know that she is free to date the other man but not as your wife. Then start doing the 180, take your kid to the park or out for a snack.
MC is a waste of time and money at this point.

Good luck and keep strong for your son. HE will be ok with divorced parents.

Cooley2here posted 5/30/2019 11:41 AM

You need a court order that states neither parent can take the child out of state without the otherís permission. You need to get this done yesterday

steadychevy posted 5/30/2019 13:50 PM

Confer with a lawyer immediately. Find out your rights given the length of your marriage, finances, employment, etc. Find out the legal implications of her taking your child out of the state and immediately get something through court (or the proper process) to make sure she can't.

Laws everywhere differ. Where I live I had to hire a process server to serve my wife. I second the suggestion made above to serve her or have her served where she works or where she will be publicly observed by people who know her.

Where I am this is just the first step toward divorce. I needed to be separated a year before divorce can take place and a separation agreement is required for that. There is time between the serving and finalization for a lot of things to happen including seeing if R is a possibility.

Do not go to marriage or couples counselling. You are not at that stage. There is a good chance you will be further victimized. With marriage counselling (MC) the marriage is the patient and is what will try to be healed. If you are very lucky you would get an MC that would deal with the adultery before marriage issues.

Adultery is 100% on the adulterer. Take no responsibility whatsoever for it. It is all on her. Every marriage has issues. They are shared in some proportion (not necessarily 50:50). There will be plenty of time to work on them later. If the adultery issue is not resolved and reconciliation (R) going strong there will be no need for MC.

I do suggest you get an individual counsellor (IC) for yourself. Something like 70% of betrayed spouses (BS) develop PTSD. I did. You need help dealing with that.

She should get IC, too, to determine why adultery was an option for her. However, you can't make her go and if you could you can't make it mean anything for her. She needs to recognize a problem and want to deal with it.

Finally, separating and having her own place is as others have stated. It provides the opportunity for her to test drive this new man. To find herself means she wants to see if the new man will work out for her permanently. She doesn't want a divorce because she's not sure it will work out and she needs you firmly in place as her safety net. Plan B. Test driving the new man will be fun and thrilling, though, even if she has to come back to you. Don't be plan B.

I'm sorry you are here, Drew, but it's a good place to have found when facing what you're facing. The best club there is that no one wanted to join. There are lots of opinions, suggestions, experiences, etc. with all wanting to help you the way they can and wanting the best for you and especially for you to get out of adultery.

Read post in JFO and General, especially, to see other situations and advise. Check out the Healing Library in the yellow box top left hand corner of each page.

Again, I'm so sorry you have a need to be here, Drew. We're here for you.

Freeme posted 5/30/2019 13:56 PM

She wants to go to a counselor for help. I brought up divorce and she said no, just be separated so she can find herself again.
These are all red flags that she wants to continue to cheat, blame you, but keep you as her Plan B to see how things work out with OM. IC for her would be a step toward working things out but it doesn't sound like that's what she is looking for. She wants to do the minimum while stinging you along.
We have a 1 year old, which makes things difficult. Sheís from another state from where we currently live and wants to move back. She knows I wonít allow it and will fight tooth and nail to keep him.
Is OM here or back home? My guess is that she plans to move with son and then file. I think you are being smart in filing here and now.
Remember even if you file it doesn't mean you are getting a divorce its a long process. What it means is that you are not going to be in a marriage with a wife that cheats. The process can be stopped at any time...
What do you know about OM? Is he married? Exposing the affair might also help snap her back to hers senses.

Robert22205https posted 5/30/2019 18:12 PM

I think by filing for divorce you have a better chance to block her from moving your child out of state. Certainly something to discuss with your attorney (seek his advice).

40YOSL posted 5/31/2019 19:22 PM

I agree with your decision to file for D at this point. For your WW to have done this so early does not bode well for your marriage. As I recall from your deleted post, you have only been married approx 2 years.

With such a short marriage, I would expect there would be little, if any, spousal support and if you have shared custody, the same with child support. As I previously posted, you need to consult an attorney ASAP.

As has been previously pointed out, her request for a separation is just a thinly veiled attempt by her to be able to try out OM & live as a single unattached woman. You can bet she would either have OM fly to her or she would fly to him while you watched your son. Then if things didn't work out she'd expect to go back to you, her plan B, where she could wait until another Plan A came along.

You taking back control & filing for D should really shake her world. If she changes, goes all in to try to win you back, is remorseful and does the IC work to make herself a safe partner you might consider stopping the D, but only if she agrees to sign a postnuptual agreement protecting you in the case of future infidelity.

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