SurvivingInfidelity.com® > General

Jenshan78 posted 5/22/2019 18:53 PM

This is my first post. I’ve been married for 17 years, to a man I thought was wonderful and would never do this to me or our children (like everyone else, I’m sure). We are separated now but before that happened he was distant, no affection, home late, etc. Even then I didn’t really suspect an affair (how naive). After one session of marriage counseling he could not say he wanted to be committed to working on our marriage. That night I asked him to leave because I couldn’t live like that any longer. Well, one day later, at the advice of a friend, I looked up phone records and found he was having an affair with a co worker for about 6 weeks. The exact amount of time he’s been behaving so strangely! At first he admitted only to inappropriate texting and having drinks after work, then to kissing and finally, 3 weeks ago to sex. I still don’t have the full story.
My main worry is that he is ambivalent about our marriage at this point. He feels, and somewhat justifiably, that it wasn’t working for a while and now that this has happened we could never really recover. He has expressed great remorse and apologized many times. He has also become extremely depressed, lost about 20 pounds, is seeing an IC and started depression meds about 2 weeks ago. Although he isn’t sure he wants to remain married he is going to MC with me, second session next week with a different and much better counselor than the first!
I do not believe he is continuing the affair, if for no other reason then his guilt, depression and shame, especially after our daughter found out and really let him have it! He says he never loved her and doesn’t feel anything for her now, she was just filling a void. I’m not sure about this as they formed a bond for sure. She has her own set of drama with an abusive partner and this is one way they connected. I continue to struggle with him working with her as contact is unavoidable in a smaller office setting. He says he will look for a new job but his effort is half hearted. He is well paid and it would be a challenge to find something equivalent. That does not matter to me though. If he doesn’t leave his job, I will know he is not choosing to put me first.
I am very concerned also about how to work on a marriage when we are separated? He doesn’t want to come home right now, not unless he is sure, as it will only hurt the children if he leaves again. . Do we try to see each other socially, outside of exchanging the kids and MC? Does anyone have a similar experience and if so, how did you make it work when not living together? Thank to anyone who can offer some clarity in this chaos.

Buster123 posted 5/22/2019 21:31 PM

I do not believe he is continuing the affair, if for no other reason then his guilt, depression and shame, especially after our daughter found out and really let him have it! He says he never loved her and doesn’t feel anything for her now, she was just filling a void. I’m not sure about this as they formed a bond for sure. She has her own set of drama with an abusive partner and this is one way they connected.

Separation typically means more time to cheat without being monitored, don't believe for a second he just stopped cheating because you think he feels guilty, what you're seeing is probably regret, he regrets getting caught. You should deal with this from a position of strength, this was NOT your fault, problems in the M you own 50/50, his DECISION to cheat is his 100%, you were in the same M and didn't cheat on him. Here's a few of the basics:

If you decide to R:
1)Demand he gets tested for STDs (you should too).
2) Expose his A with All family and close friends and with OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse/BF), yes that "abusive partner" needs to know, also if they work together one of them has to leave the job, so consider EXPOSING them to HR, you must do the exposure without warning for maximum impact and better results.

3) Consult an attorney to know your legal options and to see what D looks like, at a minimum have him sign a postnup in your favor in case he cheats again.

4) He needs to send an NC FOREVER letter to AP, one that you approve and to the point (no sweet goodbyes), he needs to block her from all his devices and emails and let you know if she tries to contact him. If any of his friends/relatives knew about it or enabled the A they need to go too.

5) He needs to graciously offer FULL on demand access to his phone and all electronic devices and passwords, and turn on and keep on the GPS tracker on his phone, FOREVER, no questions asked.

6) He needs to commit to intense IC with someone who specializes in infidelity to find out his "whys".

7) He needs to show true remorse and agree to be 100% honest.

If you decide to D:

1) Consult a pitbull attorney (at least 3 of the best in your area) and go for the jugular.

2) Get tested for STDs.

3) EXPOSE to all family, close friends and OBS, they should know why you're getting D, do not inform HR since you will want him working to pay child support and alimony, but if he gets fired anyway (the gossip will most likely eventually be widespread within the office), he will eventually find another job elsewhere.

Marie2792 posted 5/23/2019 04:56 AM

Buster gave you a pretty good list but I wanted to add the following:

1. Abusive partners are a common story told by APs and WS’. They are seeking pity and/or in most cases hope that the fear of retaliation from the OBS is enough to keep a BS from contacting them.

2. It is way too soon for marriage counseling. You cannot reconcile a marriage with someone who isn’t sure he wants to be in it. Take the time and money to manage your own IC and become stronger yourself so that you can ride out this rollercoaster for the duration. Six weeks isn’t a long time and especially not in this journey you are sadly now on.

3. Separation is usually when a WS will test the waters out for San AP and decide if the relationship will work out in the light of day. Quite often when an affair is exposed, the participants scatter like roaches when the light is turned on. Don’t be s plan B, you deserve better.

Marie2792 posted 5/23/2019 04:56 AM

Buster gave you a pretty good list but I wanted to add the following:

1. Abusive partners are a common story told by APs and WS’. They are seeking pity and/or in most cases hope that the fear of retaliation from the OBS is enough to keep a BS from contacting them.

2. It is way too soon for marriage counseling. You cannot reconcile a marriage with someone who isn’t sure he wants to be in it. Take the time and money to manage your own IC and become stronger yourself so that you can ride out this rollercoaster for the duration. Six weeks isn’t a long time and especially not in this journey you are sadly now on.

3. Separation is usually when a WS will test the waters out for San AP and decide if the relationship will work out in the light of day. Quite often when an affair is exposed, the participants scatter like roaches when the light is turned on. Don’t be s plan B, you deserve better.

Lalagirl posted 5/23/2019 09:16 AM

((((Jenshan)))))

Welcome to SI.

he has her own set of drama with an abusive partner and this is one way they connected

Marie is spot-on:

1. Abusive partners are a common story told by APs and WS’. They are seeking pity and/or in most cases hope that the fear of retaliation from the OBS is enough to keep a BS from contacting them.

The bullcrap about the OBS being "abusive" is more common than you think.

Have you told the OBS? If not, please do. He deserves to know so he can make decisions about his life and M. This is part of the other suggestion that you expose the A. As thrive in secrecy.

He has expressed great remorse

IMO, he is expressing regret - regret that he was caught. Yes, he may feel shame and is depressed, but it's about him. If he were feeling remorse, he would be moving heaven and earth to make amends and be a safe partner to you.

I think you should implement the 180 (in the Healing Library - top left corner) -this is for you...you cannot nice him into complying with what is right; he has to do that because he wants to.

If there is any chance for R, he needs to find a new job, period...end of sentence...no negotiating.

sisoon posted 5/23/2019 10:05 AM

Welcome to SI, the best club you never wanted to join....

Your H's insight that he was trying to fill a void is a good start. IMO, he needs IC with a good IC to figure out how to fill that void himself. That's the only way he can change from betrayer to good partner.

MC may help now, but in MC the M is the client, and the M didn't fail. your H failed the M. IC for him is the only way for him to lead a morally and emotionally good life, and that's the only way for him to be a good life partner. ('Good' doesn't mean 'perfect.')

For me, my W's A started as if I was being run over by a steam roller. As low as I already was, d-day, started me on a roller coaster downward into despair. I felt awful for months.

In other word, how are you doing emotionally?

From what you write, if your H is honest, R may be possible. It may be shame that's keeping him away ... or he might feel so bad about himself that he can't imagine anyone wanting him. OTOH, he could be playing you.

The only way to find out is to communicate and trust your gut.

The key to R is honesty. You need to ask your questions, and he needs to answer them. He needs to volunteer information about what he's doing and who he's with. He needs to get non-defensive and be with you when you need to vent. He needs to participate in defining what your M will be.

If he's not a candidate for R, so be it. As awful as you probably feel, you can survive and thrive without him. So have some faith in yourself.

I'm not sure you need to expose the A. I didn't generally expose my W's A except to her supervisor. That was a big expose in terms of consequences, but we've always been pretty private people, so friends don't know.

Your H might confess to his boss, in the hope of minimizing contact with ow. I agree - a new job for one of the aps is necessary.

IMO, an NC message should be very brief. My W went NC via text message on ow's birthday. (I've heard people complain about being dumped via text, so I liked that method.) In any case, there's no need to show respect to the ap.

I suggest browsing in the forums, and in the Healing Library - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:07 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

Jenshan78 posted 5/23/2019 13:49 PM

Thank you all for the input. The advice is greatly appreciated since I’m generally clueless. To answer a few questions I am doing better now, sleeping and eating pretty well. Still very sad and disgusted when I think of them, disappointed in my husband is an understatement!

The affair has been revealed to our close friends, both our families and their employer and the OWs finance. Her fiancé did actually get physical and has continued to do this. They have a small child and I will not be contacting him to avoid further domestic violence. This is her problem, not ours.

My Hs employer has chosen not to get involved in anyway. They do not work in the same department but as I said, contact is unavoidable as the office is small and they attend the same meetings at times.

My H has been forthcoming with his phone but I don’t know how to handle knowing his whereabouts since we are separated. I know he will have to choose me over his job or we can go nowhere since that isn’t putting me first. He has to choose this though, if I force it there will be resentment on all sides.

Thank you again for the help. Hoping my bad days get to be fewer and fewer.

HopeinGod posted 5/25/2019 20:01 PM

Hi Jenshan78, I'm sorry this is happening to you. When you think all is well and then everything explodes is heartbreaking . I see hope in that he is remorseful, has apologized and that he is seeing an IC as well as going to MC with you. I am concerned about his living somewhere else. What does the MC say about that? In my opinion, I don't think it's a good idea, and I hope the MC will say the same. Being separated is an artificial way to communicate with each other so I think the daily everyday routine is better even with it being uncomfortable and/or strained for now. I also believe it important for him to seek a new job. The Bible says, "flee temptation" and he needs to do that even if it means that he will have to settle for a lower salary. I'm glad you are both going to MC and if you are interested, may I send you information about marriage retreats? Blessings

OwningItNow posted 5/25/2019 22:27 PM

He doesn’t want to come home right now, not unless he is sure

For me, this does not in any way ring true as remorse. Remorse = he was wrong in the way he handled himself. Not sure he wants R = no remorse (still justifying his decisions).

It feels to me on a gut level that he is getting too much love, support, affirmation, and "Please pick me!" from you. And that is what is keeping him from full commitment. Why commit to you if he doesn't have to? He can still have one foot in la la land.

Time to 180 and let him experience life without you, without any part of you. If he does not feel the massive loss and fully commit, then you know where you stand with him. And there's really nothing you can do imho.

Her fiancé did actually get physical and has continued to do this.

You have this from a source who did not get it from AP or your WH?

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:28 PM, May 25th (Saturday)]