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Different perspective 2.0

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Atg100 posted 6/10/2019 03:52 AM

And her narcissism is a gift that keeps on giving.
I took my boy to judo training.
She sends a text ď can I ask for a favour for your daughter? Can you bring some thickened cream for her cake ď
This is less than 8 hours after I explained my boundaries to her.
I start feeling sorry for her - there is something not right in her brain.
I hope she finds a boyfriend soon who can deflect some of this shit away from me

[This message edited by Atg100 at 3:55 AM, June 10th (Monday)]

AFL1000 posted 6/10/2019 05:03 AM

"Can I ask a favour for your daughter." Hmmm Amazing how it's your daughter and not our daughter when she needs something. Inferring if you don't do it you're a bad Dad. Still game playing to the bitter end. And she couldn't organise this simple task herself because...

I hope she finds a boyfriend soon who can deflect some of this shit away from me.

See even with all her crap you still retain your sense of humour.

Atg100 posted 6/10/2019 05:16 AM

To be honest , itís a bit laughable now.
She just had 3 days off- unable to organise a birthday cake for a 5 year old in that time.
And letís her work know that she can do an on call shift, whilst she has the kids.
I wouldnít be happy with myself if I would need to rely on other people to help me with such basic stuff.

Freeme posted 6/10/2019 06:40 AM

ď can I ask for a favour for your daughter? Can you bring some thickened cream for her cake ď
Just so you know this is her NEW way to control you and you want to nip it in the bud as soon as possible. While it's a simple favor...she is a Narc so its all about her and losing control of you. Making you do what she wants for her. If you didn't run this erron great. if you did try not to fall for it next time because it will never stop. Prove to be unreliable as her erron boy... "I would but I've got to be somewhere right after I drop DS off."
The "sleepover request" right after your friendly drop off... extremely manipulative of her. Yes, she did that on purpose thinking that you would jump at the chance of an overnight and slow down the D process for her. Saying no was the right move. It's also confusing for the kids to see their parents together then apart, then ... she's playing games with you.

Atg100 posted 6/10/2019 14:57 PM

Yes, of course that is what she does.
Manipulating me with this fine degree of blackmail.
But that is not a way to live your life : being a tapeworm of someone elseís efforts.
Sure, she will think that Iím still her errand boy but I can chose when it suits me or not.
The day of the mediation is slowly coming closer; she still hasnít submitted a single document to show her side of the pool of assets statement .
No point in asking her now, my lawyer will do that just a few weeks before, so that everything is uptodate.
As I pointed out higher in the post - I have a good income but too many loans.
On paper , Iím not rich and whilst she is expecting a big payout, she will see that the well has dried off.
Of course she will then ask me to pay for most or all of the kidsí costs.
But I will make sure that this will all be detailed .
I can wait .
Smile and wave

NoOptTo posted 6/10/2019 15:13 PM

I agree with Freeme. And you definitely have the choice to choose what to do when she asks the next time. Keep in mind, every time you agree, she feels as if she still has you on a tether. You may want to strength your stance also when it comes to custody. There was no need to give her another day in return for her absent mindedness. Document this has happened. Put into your mediation that only you or her can have the kids with the expectation of family. If she has to work, then you get the children and she loses her time. It's a good negotiation tactic. Mediation is going to be all about negotiating what you want. Go in asking for more then you want then accept what you deem you need. Start planning your strategy now. The more your prepared the better you will end up. Seems as if your STBXWW is going to be going in haphazard. It's a business transaction D. Treat it that way.

Atg100 posted 6/10/2019 15:29 PM

Itís a good point, that I shouldnít have offered the extra day for her.
However, I think it will set an example of how we deal with future changes to the routine.
With my job, there may always be a chance that I have to ask her to be flexible.
And the current way, we are splitting the kidsí time is all around my work and on-call commitments .
Which at this stage, I can predict until January 2020, so Iím slightly more organised.
I very much doubt that it will come to a custody battle around more time with children for her.
She wants to party and tinder date on weekends.
She is also always exhausted after spending 3 days with the kids, and her mum runs around, telling everyone what a hard working single mum she is...
But actually putting effort in? Thatís not her.
No the mediation will be all about $$$

paboy posted 6/14/2019 02:57 AM

We are heading into another weekend ATG. Hope you and the kids(if you have them this weekend), have a great time together.

Atg100 posted 6/14/2019 21:36 PM

Thank you.
Last few days were a little tricky- i was sick, couldnít sleep and was alone at home .
My mind took me to some dark places.
Today was my daughterís birthday party, at a play centre and childrenís disco.
There were a lot of Switzerland friends who have kids in the same age.
But my ex also invited one of her best friendsĒ who helped her so much in those difficult timesĒ.
Iíd call her an enabler ; she works at the same place and she knew about the affair before I did.
And this woman tried to talk to me.
Bizarre . What could she possibly want from me.
I kept myself busy with the kids and ignored her.

AFL1000 posted 6/14/2019 22:52 PM

Happy Birthday little Miss ATG. Hope she had a great day with family and friends.

ATG, hope you are over your bug; there's a lot of people going down with the flu in the eastern states at the moment.

Do all the friends attending the party know of your impending divorce? How was your STBXW's demanour to you at the party? How did your wife's friend 'the enabler' take being ignored?

It's these types on gatherings that will take a bit of time to navigate pre and post divorce because the friends may not know what to say for fear of inadvertently saying the wrong thing so communication can sometimes be a bit guarded from their point of view.

But as long as you enjoyed the time with your kids at the birthday party is all that counts.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 10:55 PM, June 14th (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 6/15/2019 04:37 AM

I think my wifeís friend knew her place.
For some of the friends it must be uncomfortable.
There is a party of the school parents tonight. My ex is invited, Iím not.
At least you find out where everyone stands . My ex has become the secretary of the parents association ; she is very much in this social circle.
A nanny does my pick ups and drop offs, so I canít blame the people for inviting her.
I have got my own circle of friends.
My wifeís behaviour was a little better but I spent as much time as possible far away from her and only in key moments as close to my daughter as possible

[This message edited by Atg100 at 6:33 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]

Terrain posted 6/15/2019 10:04 AM

Removed

[This message edited by Terrain at 3:05 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]

paboy posted 6/15/2019 11:55 AM

Have you considered yet, how and when you are going to discuss with her about her not using your surname. Perhaps it maybe a stepping stone in the process to eventually have her realize and accept the pending divorce. The 'softly, softly' approach. Or would that stir the hornets nest.

Have you had any feedback from those close to her, where her head is, heading to your marriage closure.

Atg100 posted 6/15/2019 14:40 PM

The problem is that she is such a great liar.
She can tell people whatever she wants , and the couple of times when I tried to talk to her, she never said anything.

AFL1000 posted 6/15/2019 21:45 PM

ATG I am reminded of the saying "The first casualty of war is truth." This can equally be applied to infidelity. There are the blatant lies, lies by omission, lies of self protection and for many betrayed spouses the most frustrating, infuriating and damaging, trickle truth.

Your STBXW has shown herself to be an accomplished liar, a trait that was probably always there but is now up there in shining lights since your discovery of her affair.

With her friends she will use her propaganda to place the blame for the marriage breakdown on you. These 'friends and enablers' will take her side regardless of any facts presented to them by you to the contrary.

Your true friends know the facts. You could make efforts post divorce to set the record straight with others but her friends and acquaintances will always believe her version.

You should, however, immediately intervene to counter her lies if it affects the kids or puts your role as a parent in a bad light.

Keep telling yourself August is fast approaching.

Atg100 posted 6/17/2019 01:33 AM

We did have a chat, whilst we were sorting out the co-parenting calendar for the 2nd half of the year.
And for the first time did she acknowledge that she had an affair , that she was sorry but doesnít want to reconcile , because of long standing problems prior to the affair.
When I asked which , she couldnít name any.
She then proceeded that she wanted to be my friend, something which I declined . I said that I will be friendly enough around the kids but will never be her friend.
All of that, just left me sad .
The weekend, the birthdays , the too much contact .
My boyís birthday will be next weekend , so I will have to endure more of the same.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 1:34 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

AFL1000 posted 6/17/2019 03:29 AM

So does your STBXW want a prize for telling you she had an affair!!!! You know it; she knows it and I'm sure her witches coven of friends know it. So she's sorry. Big f**cking deal. If she was really sorry she would have owned up to it months ago. And she still wants to push being friends even after you have told her on numerous occasions it ain't happening.

Whenever you have these f2f encounters with her she says or does something that makes you sad. You have to break this cycle. Even with kids birthdays this and next week you have to limit engagement with her as she is still in the power position and playing games. It's not her walking away from these occasions feeling sad.

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh but your STBXW needs to see she cannot fuck around with your emotions any longer.

NoOptTo posted 6/17/2019 03:47 AM

Glad you stood your ground about being friendly when the kids are around and that's it. If she so hung up on being friends afterwards, tell her to put her talk to the test and get the D over with. Tell her that would show how serious she is keeping you on friendly terms.

You will get through your son's birthday just fine. Use what you learned this weekend at your daughter's birthday. Seek out the Switzerland friends that you talk to. Avoid STBXWW friends. Be there for your son. No said this is easy. I know you'll handle your with class.

Look on the brighter side of things. After this coming weekend, you dont have to think of sharing children time with the STBXWW til school functions begin.

Atg100 posted 6/17/2019 03:59 AM

Thanks guys for the support.
I think the last few days helped me to see where I stand in my recovery.
When I do every thing right, and focus , then I am the rock I want to be.
But sleep deprived , with the flu, alone at home and up all night - my mental health is not that strong.
And she smells weakness like a lion and immediately targets it.
And I am not protecting myself enough.
I could have delayed the co-parenting calendar until Iím feeling better .

Next week, my sonís birthday is ď my party ď.
I will be in better control

paboy posted 6/17/2019 04:46 AM

This may be the time to ramp things up. Let her know that if she is willing, divorce can be filed soon after the mediation.

Strike while she is in this frame of mind.

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