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Different perspective 2.0

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Justgettingbye posted 6/5/2019 10:11 AM

How are you doing?

Atg100 posted 6/6/2019 04:44 AM

Iím doing fine .
I can finally focus on other things - work, the business, friends.
I have worked out throughout the recent period but havenít really watched my weight too much.
I train heavy in the gym or on the rowing machine- but I had put on a little weight.
Since last weekend I have found the focus to prepare meals, count calories and stick to the plan.
Just to lose the weight again, but Iím sure you know what I mean - if you focus on the aftermath of the affair , you canít do all those little things.
I now have an mantra whenever my mind wonders:
Why did my wife cheat ? Because she is an asshole, end of story.
And that sums it up nicely.

Only tonight I had a little thought - the kids and I had dinner, played UNO and sang silly songs.
I caught myself thinking ď
And there is something better out there for her than this ? Amazing ď

[This message edited by Atg100 at 5:07 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

Scoobydoo posted 6/6/2019 05:34 AM

Only tonight I had a little thought - the kids and I had dinner, played UNO and sang silly songs.
I caught myself thinking ď
And there is something better out there for her than this ? Amazing ď


NO There isn't...^^^^ that right there is what its all about.

she hasn't realised yet that its the little things in life that are the best,

Justgettingbye posted 6/6/2019 18:21 PM

Glad youíre doing well! And no, thereís nothing out there for her thatís better than that. Youíre right, sheís just an asshole. Sheíll realize eventually how big of a mistake she made, what she lost & that sheís a completely stupid asshole. Youíre just a million miles ahead of her.

AFL1000 posted 6/6/2019 19:40 PM

ATG

Glad to see you have refocused on your nutrition and meal prep and focusing on the things that you let slide when you were consumed with the aftermath of your STBXW's affair and her mind fuckery game playing.

I think a big mental jump is that this is the first time you have called your STBXW an arsehole. I am sure you have thought it and said it to yourself many times but I hope it makes you feel a lot better to openly declare it on SI..why for no other reason than she is ..and I fully support Justgettingbye's comments.

How have the handovers been? Is your STBXW still sending you emails and texts and trying to play her narcissistic mind games?

Keep hanging in there. You're almost through this.

Marz posted 6/6/2019 19:58 PM

More progress.

Very impressive

Buster123 posted 6/6/2019 21:42 PM

Excellent post, keep it up.

Atg100 posted 6/7/2019 00:26 AM

She has sent a few emails along the line ď it doesnít have to be that wayĒ
The handovers have been short and sweet.

I donít know what her behaviour means but I donít have to know either any more.
I still dream of her most nights but itís not as distressing anymore .
I used to wake up sad , now I just accept that I will have ups and downs.
Maybe it will just fizzle out with the mediation in August being the last bump ? There is hoping

Marz posted 6/7/2019 00:32 AM

She has sent a few emails along the line ď it doesnít have to be that wayĒ

Just breadcrumbs. Ignore.

paboy posted 6/7/2019 01:49 AM

Every day is progress, or be it one inch at a time.

Some days even staying still is progress.

I can feel your sense of 'loss of family' and wish the best for you and your children.

Freeme posted 6/7/2019 05:52 AM

She has sent a few emails along the line ď it doesnít have to be that wayĒ
Crumbs...

Here is the thing. Many people on here have fallen for those crumbs...Thoughts of giving it one last try, or for the kids, or thinking they see finally see remorse. What has happened in 90% of those cases is that the WS is just "testing the waters" when the BS actually asks them to "DO"something, hand over their phone, computer, give up AP, get a job... they have flatly refused and said something along the lines of "I never though it would work anyway, you are too controlling, you can never forgive...." the BS is left at base one going through the healing process again.

She isn't saying things like "I was wrong","I would do anything to save this marriage"...It doesn't have to be this way... those are crumbs.

Atg100 posted 6/7/2019 14:16 PM

Yes she is terrible .
Itís now past any chance of reconciliation, but the only kind of message which would get my attention, would be one which would put me in focus.
Not her whinging that she may have made a mistake.
But she canít write that, because she is a narcissist - and they canít admit that somebody else may be worth mentioning .

Atg100 posted 6/9/2019 03:17 AM

My wife pick the kids up and we are all friendly.
No game playing, which is nice.
But seeing the kids driving away with her is always a kick in the guts.
I jump in the car, the radio plus Mumford and sons.


ďCause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth, which will refresh my broken mindď


So make your siren's call and sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say
'Cause I need freedom now and I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

NoOptTo posted 6/9/2019 12:53 PM

Its amazing sometimes how music can say what's in our hearts. Keep moving forward ATG. Enjoy living. Especially when you have time with your children.

Atg100 posted 6/9/2019 14:43 PM

Thank you .

My wife must have also thought that the handover was very friendly.
She sent an email later - Next Sunday night (the day when we normally hands the kids over ) she will be on-call in her job as a theater nurse.
She asked - if she should get called in, would it be ok, if I would stay at her place and watch the children?
There are two places to sleep at her place: her bed and the big couch which she bought at Ikea with her AP. He built it for her.
I told her that I would be very uncomfortable staying at her place and asked her to find another solution.

You can't make that shit up. Every time we are friendly and there is no friction at hand over, she comes immediately back with a request, just to see if I'm still her little side kick, aiming to please.

RockstarDad posted 6/9/2019 15:43 PM

Hadn't followed your earlier posts so a bit late to the party, but looks like you have a firm grasp on things. I love how you are taking the high road. Here are a couple things that stood out.

I would stop referring to her as your wife. Maybe it is just in the thread, but start using her name to friends, family etc. Never refer to her as your wife. She doesn't deserve that link to you. Not much else to call her here but WW works. People know who you are talking about.

It also helps with the detaching and makes her less of a monster. I say that because I looked at mine that way. She was this horrible nasty creature that had the ability to hurt me in ways I didnt comprehend before. Weird to admit but I was scared of mine for a long time. Every interaction was a chance at a new pain. In reality it was my emotional attachment that gave her that power. Really they are just very weak people inside who do bad things because of their weakness.

Losing time with your kids sucks. It still sucks a year and a half out but way less. I was always super involved dad working night shift so I could be around for everything. Being a dad was and still is what I enjoy the most. Just remember that you can make the time you have with them super high quality time. I had a lot of time with them before the D but now all (well darn near) my time with them is very high quality. I give them 100% of my 50%.
You are doing that and keep it up. Your kids will be great because they have you

Now work on that grey rock. You seem to engage a lot with her. Minor stuff and you are still in the D process so if it is going ok I might not rock the boat, but after the D you dont have anything to talk about with her except the two minutes it takes to catch up on what is going on with the kids. I used to overanalyze every interaction with my ex. I never fully understood her cause I am not built that way. I don't think you will either. Try and stop driving yourself crazy. You cant rationalize the irrational.

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 3:44 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]

Atg100 posted 6/9/2019 16:18 PM

Thanks that is good advice .

Regarding what I call her here : it probably a bit of laziness .
To type stbxw vs wife. I understand your reasoning and will stick to ww.

There has been a bit of a shift -
When Iím busy , I donít think of her at all.
When my mind wonders , I usually go through my mantra and give myself 2 minutes.

I try to keep contact to a minimum but with kids itís hard. They were sick, the birthdays are coming up and so on.
Itís hard, however under the given circumstances, Iím getting better at it.
Of course there is always the narcissist factor , which makes it extra hard, dealing with her.

And - I still think she looks stunning and when things are friendly let, I think ď I knew why I fell in love with her ď.

I read a good comment somewhere else about the ďloveĒ issue:
It doesnít justify self destructive behaviour. A heroine addict loves his drug, yet, it will destroy his life.
This helped me a lot, because the romantic part of my brain could go a bit wild, if I donít put a stop on it.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 4:19 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]

NoOptTo posted 6/9/2019 18:31 PM

A simple drop.them off at your place will suffice. You will enjoy the added parenting time. And document it. With bdays coming up, you may want to do things separately. The kids know your D. You celebrate when you have them, she can when she has them. The less interaction with you narc STBXWW the better.

AFL1000 posted 6/9/2019 22:54 PM

ATG

There are two places to sleep at her place: her bed and the big couch which she bought at Ikea with her AP. He built it for her.
. So we take it from this statement that Ace is still in the picture?

So glad you had the sense to reject her offer of staying at her place to mind the kids. Agree with NoOptTo if she is called into the hospital next Sunday she brings the kids to you. No debate; no other options.

Sure she may be stunning ..on the outside ..but you know what she's really like on the inside; you have declared it yourself ...she is a lying, deceitful narcissistic arsehole. Keep telling that to the romantic part of your brain.

Are you still planning on taking you and the kids on a trip to Kakadu National Park in July? Love that place.

Atg100 posted 6/9/2019 23:31 PM

Yes we will be off to Kakadu.
Hopeful no phone reception.
I suggested to keep the kids a day longer and she gets the day back at the next handover.
She agreed to that , so itís sorted.
But funny to tell her workplace that she could do an on call shift despite having the kids.
I donít know if Ace is still in the picture , but I remember the couch story.
She actually apologised for being thoughtless.
I just replied that we have a different perspective on things.
But , she must have gotten some kibbles out of it ď he still feels hurt because he lost awesome me ď
That doesnít matter to me, I have explained what I would and wouldnít do and remained polite .

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