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Different perspective 2.0

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Atg100 posted 8/15/2019 00:13 AM

My stbxw emailed today.
She wants to meet for a coffee to talk like "normal people" before the mediation.
I am sure she just wants to ensure that I am still under her spell and give her whatever she wants.
Narcissists don't like if their victims have boundaries or divorce lawyers.
I talked to my lawyer first before I agreed.
He thought its highly unusual , but that there wont be any harm in meeting.
I don't expect anything, won't name any figures and will just listen.

paboy posted 8/15/2019 01:41 AM

When are you meeting her?

I am tempted to tell you to be as relaxed, and as happy as you can. Let her see that your life is getting better by the minute as you get closer to divorce, and that your in rapture with your life moving forward.

I personally think she is going to check out whether reconciliation is still a possibility. Previously, her high self pride would not allow her to admit how much of a smuck she is, and she can not step off her pedestal.

Be prepared..

Atg100 posted 8/15/2019 01:46 AM

It's a difficult thing.
I am quite happy and more contend, but I don't have time to play games.
I am in a good position, as she was the one wanting to talk.
She has never initiated a discussion, so I can just sit back and listen.

AFL1000 posted 8/15/2019 02:21 AM

Hi ATG

Hmmm why ask for a 'talk like normal people' now ..why only 5 days out from mediation after all the negative emails and texts from her since separation, even fairly recently about you supposedly restricting her access to the kids.

Something is up. paboy suggests she may want to see if reconciliation is a possibility. I don't think so as she has stated on more than one occasion she did not want to reconcile. This could be her last ditch effort to see if you can 'still be friends'. You did say she signed off her last email with 'xx'. This would be more about her trying to alleviate any guilt she has about the affair and the destruction of the marriage.

You need to be on full alert here. I know your lawyer has given the ok to meet and listen to her but I would have a VAR or my mobile on record throughout the whole meeting.

Any attempts by her to discuss money, co-parenting, asset distribution should be politely declined and stating "we can discuss all this next Tuesday in the presence of the mediator."

paboy posted 8/15/2019 02:33 AM

If reconciliation is her agenda, what are your thoughts.

If it is a consideration, after what she has done, you would need to take it slowly. One of those situations where it should be attempted after divorce. Where both of you have space and time to develop a meaningful commitment or not.

But then, I may just be spitting into the wind. She maybe after something else.

When are you meeting with her?

Atg100 posted 8/15/2019 03:15 AM

My guess is - she wants as much money as possible and stay friends.
She wants to hear that Iím happy with her taking me to the cleaners.
ďNo hard feelings , itís the law- can we still be friends?Ē

NoOptTo posted 8/15/2019 03:24 AM

Here are some comments to consider when meeting STBXWW if she starts making comments you are uncomfortable with..... sorry you feel that way, I view things differently, that's your opinion..... Just don't feed her any ego kibbles.

I know you have been taking the high road through this entire ordeal. Now its getting g to her that she is losing control of you. Keep.yourself detached from from.

On a side note when she signed her last email with XX, she should of signed it XW.

NoOptTo posted 8/15/2019 03:24 AM

Here are some comments to consider when meeting STBXWW if she starts making comments you are uncomfortable with..... sorry you feel that way, I view things differently, that's your opinion..... Just don't feed her any ego kibbles.

I know you have been taking the high road through this entire ordeal. Now its getting g to her that she is losing control of you. Keep.yourself detached from from.

On a side note when she signed her last email with XX, she should of signed it XW.

Atg100 posted 8/15/2019 03:44 AM

The less I say, the better, I think.
Everything about this has been unusual.
I guess it all comes from dealing with a non-logical person.

steadychevy posted 8/15/2019 05:45 AM

Such a great system. The person causing the marital breakdown gets rewarded by getting more than half.

Atg100 posted 8/15/2019 05:58 AM

If I start thinking like that, I get incredibly frustrated.
But I have no option.
I pay this money to get freedom from a cheater.
Letís get it over and done with.

DoinBettr posted 8/15/2019 09:45 AM

My friend's wife wanted to meet after she had filed for divorce.
Right before it went into place.
It is the governor calling to see what can be done before execution.
Lots of cake eaters are also procrastinators.
She might have been sucking the time she has out of the marriage.
She probably either heard the kids say they are pissed at her or she realizes how hard it will be to find a good guy. (What happened to my friend's wife.)
He just shook his head. Laughed and left. She was super pissed. It worked well for her because she felt better about the divorce and could tell herself/everyone, she tried 1 last time. It was all his fault in her mind after that. Really dumb.

Freeme posted 8/15/2019 15:44 PM

It's probably too late but I'd come up with an excuse for not meeting with her. The problem is that she is a Narc so she could go off on anything you say or do and then feel "compelled/justified" taking you to the cleaners.

She can easily set you up with "crazy" statements like "I didn't really have an affair..." or "Your not a good dad..." or whatever she wants to say that might set you off or make you disagree with her.

I've read enough of your posts to know that you are capable of staying calm. The problem is that she is a Narc and can take a non answer or an answer that she doesn't think is "appreciative enough" as something to set her off.

My guess is that she plans to ask for more... more money, more time, more of your help... She doesn't want to do it during the mediation. She wants to see what effect she still has on you.

Good luck

Atg100 posted 8/15/2019 15:58 PM

Freeme:
I know what you mean; it seems I canít get much out of it.
And really , I shouldnít care too much what her narrative is.
However - if I would have declined the meeting, that may have set the tone for next Tuesday as well.
ď he doesnít want to talk to me like a normal personĒ
So I think the easiest is, to be polite and non-committal.
She called this meeting, so she must have an agenda.
Most likely, she wants to feel good about herself when she takes my hard earned cash.
I wonít give her that satisfaction.
But there wonít be any promises or ego kibbles from my end.
We'll meet on Sunday morning

[This message edited by Atg100 at 3:59 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

Atg100 posted 8/16/2019 15:06 PM

I came across something bizarre.
A friend of mine went to the same charity ball as my STBXW.
She posted photos on Facebook, and I started to click through.
I have long blocked my ex and haven't ever stalked her on social media. I was half expecting to see her with a man and it was really curiosity to see if it would be the AP.
However, the only photos of her show her in a group of women- but she is wearing her wedding and engagement rings.
I have thrown mine away last year and don't regret this at all. And maybe she was wearing the ring to avoid unwanted advances from men- a female friend used to do that.
But it's still bizarre.
Not enough to spend too much time thinking about it , I have the weekend off and more important things to do - but it sticks out a little bit.

skerzoid posted 8/16/2019 17:45 PM

ATG

I have been keeping up with your thread for a long time. You always come off as a super logical person.

She is logical too. She does not want to come across as the slut who betrayed her husband.

This is just something you two are working out in a logical manner. She does not want be associated with something like an affair which wrecks her marriage. Especially to society.

You keep looking for signs of reconciliation. This is your logic being unable to accept her illogic.

[This message edited by skerzoid at 5:46 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 8/16/2019 18:14 PM

That makes sense, sort of.
I should have just stuck to Ďno contact Ď
Donít worry, I wonít interpret too much into it or hope for reconciliation .
Iím aware she is a narcissist , so it would have to be some illogical reason.

nekonamida posted 8/16/2019 18:30 PM

Oh no, it's a very logical reason. Who better to judge her than a group of her own respected peers? I'm betting some of these women have a cheating spouse and may even have divorced over it. If she takes her rings off, they will ask questions. If her lies aren't good enough, they will know and they will see her for who she really is.

Who knows how many of these women know people who know you. Who knows how far a little gossip can go and how much dirt they could dig up on her if they wanted to. It's best for her not to even chance it. All it takes is one person to say, "Oh, you're getting a D? Hey, remember that time I saw you with OM?" And suddenly the illusion is ruined.

Letting her mask slip and revealing the beast underneath is a narcissist's worst nightmare. That's why denial and pretending everything is fine is the very first go-to in a narcissist's tool box.

Atg100 posted 8/16/2019 19:23 PM

The point here is also that the OM was chasing all the women in that group - and lied about his marital status, pretending that he was divorced whilst having wife and daughter at home.
Any of the women there would by now have found out what a character he is. It would be embarrassing to be the one who has fallen for these lies.

Anyway, Iím in a battle, so itís good to know what mindset my enemy has. But nothing changes

Marz posted 8/16/2019 19:46 PM

I agree it's just self protection mode. OM may have chased but your WW met him halfway. She willingly chose her path but would rather cake eat if possible.

Don't grasp at straws or try and see something that isn't there.

At this point you know the score. Prolonging your stay in this is just wasted time/life you'll never get back.

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