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Different perspective 2.0

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Atg100 posted 8/7/2019 04:37 AM

Kids back with me.
Handover took less than a minute.
Check.
Of course she forgot something for the kids, which she will bring over later this week.
She does that every time and the kids donít have that much stuff actually which they need to shift backwards and forwards.

Atg100 posted 8/9/2019 01:32 AM

A few things happened.
I saw a new psychologist, and of course itís only one meeting so far - but she seems quite good.

Yesterday my boy developed a post viral myositis.
He could not walk due to muscle pain. Itís a complication in kids.
We went to hospital and I had to let my ex wife know. We could go home, after he was checked out and he is much better.
Long story short - whatever I did was wrong.
EmIls from her, how I restrict access to the children .
A message from her mother , how I use the children as pawns , pretty offensive messages .
I resisted the temptation to enter this skirmish.
I suggested to my ex to have a formal co-parenting session with relationships Australia .
I told my MIL that this is an emotionally charged time, 2 weeks away from divorce .
I suggested a truce , and that we talk in 6 months, when the dust had settled.
No answer from my ex, but her mother actually apologised .
She wanted a new start and hope we could be friends.
I told her that I appreciate the apology , but I need a few months before I can focus on anything else but the divorce .

None of these two people have any insight, empathy or are playing the long game.
I could have so easily shot back - and then ? We would have e sat in mediation , all emotionally and angry.
The 20th of August canít come soon enough

[This message edited by Atg100 at 1:32 AM, August 9th (Friday)]

paboy posted 8/9/2019 02:47 AM

I was thinking today, how your emotions were, heading into the final few days before your meeting on the 20th. and then I see your last post.

I note that you have already informed WW of your early plans to start divorce proceedings.

Keep strong. Keep focused on getting out of infidelity, and that what you are doing, is the best gift that you can give your children, in the situation that has been imposed on you.

Keep strong. Head up going forward.

[This message edited by paboy at 2:55 AM, August 9th (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 8/9/2019 02:50 AM

Yes, I just refer to the mediation to our divorce.
I mean- where is the point. I will hand her the papers anyway to sign.

steadychevy posted 8/9/2019 06:21 AM

Long game, long game. You got this, Atg. Good control.

AFL1000 posted 8/9/2019 21:53 PM

Hi ATG

I am sorry your very soon to be ex Mrs ATG had the temerity to email you that you are restricting access to the kids. You have an agreed 50/50 time split so what is her problem. Given your son's illness it was fortunate he was with you and you could recognise the myositis. I am sure if it happened on her watch she would have been on the phone to you within nanoseconds to help deal with it.

So she has given up attacking you personally as you now do not react to her texts or emails and she is resorting to your Achilles heel, your kids, to play dirty. The fact that she involved your MIL in the attack on you is just nasty.

ATG you handled this new shitstorm like a pro.

So today is 10 August so I remind you of the great David Bowie's lyrics to his classic Space Oddity

Ground control to Major Tom
Commencing countdown
Engines on
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, lift off

You are in countdown mode ...tick off the days until mediation and divorce. The long game you have been playing is about to end.

Marz posted 8/9/2019 22:05 PM

Your MIL is bitter. She knows her daughter shit in her nest but she'll take it out on you.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

It'll take awhile but if you maintain indifference in a year or so they'll give up. You do have to get them trained.

Atg100 posted 8/9/2019 22:33 PM

Thanks, the countdown is true!
The valuer who is assessing my private practice has been working with my lawyer many times before.
He had indicated without breaking any confidentiality that he doesnít think my practice is worth all that much ( because of all the financial debts and the books of the last 2 years).
So, Iím quietly confident , I wonít get cleaned out on the 20th either.
Here is hoping.

I sent my wife the co-parenting work book from relationships Australia . I asked her to write down her expectations towards communication.
She didnít even acknowledge that she received the email
Very simple - a narcissist doesnít follow any rules, and she doesnít want to put her expectations in writing. Imagine we would have a framework she helped creating. How could you blame ATG if something would happen which she doesnít like???

Marz posted 8/9/2019 22:45 PM

How could you blame ATG if something would happen which she doesnít like???

Have no doubt they will find a way or invent something. That's why no contact and ignoring are so important.

It takes a year or two to get them trained properly.

Start early

[This message edited by Marz at 10:45 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 8/9/2019 22:57 PM

Yes I will switch Mr Nice Guy off on the 21st.
Thatís not quite true , I will keep up some charade.
The new psychologist listen to a couple of examples I gave when describing my ex - and she agreed Ď yes sounds like a narcissistí
In the first session, I only talked but she gave me some homework to see in which stream I fit in.
She asked me what I want to get out of the sessions-
I said, I want to deal with unresolved trauma to allow me to get through . I think once I have dealt with that , the weird dreams and insomnia will stop.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 10:58 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

AFL1000 posted 8/9/2019 23:03 PM

If your STBXW doesn't respond in the next 10 days to your more than reasonable request to put things in writing with the help of the RA co-parenting workbook (which is great tool by the way) take it to mediation and tell of your efforts to negotiate with your STBX but she made no effort to do it. Could work in your favour with the mediator.

paboy posted 8/10/2019 20:51 PM

ATG,

Have you taken up your wife's uncles request for him to assist with your financial declaration. If you have'nt, this would be a good idea. Even if you send him a copy of what has already been finalised, and have him endorse or amend.

I can see her wanting a second opinion on your declaration. By doing this, not only would you be preempting this, but saying that you thought it appropriate for one of her family approriately assessing as well, will do well in this mediation.

Atg100 posted 8/10/2019 21:48 PM

My exís uncle, who is my finance broker, has been highly professional . He provided all the required documents .
He is on ďmy teamĒ but wouldnít do anything unprofessional .
My ex hasnít requested a second opinion on house prices, but she got my private practice value assessed.
At the very last minute of course and so I find myself scrambling documents together .
My practice manager and my bookkeeper help me on a Sunday.
All this could have been done in reasonable time if requested earlier .
She certainly had the opportunity .

[This message edited by Atg100 at 10:06 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

AFL1000 posted 8/10/2019 22:53 PM

ATG

This requesting of financial information, such as your private practice values, at the last minute is a tried and true tactic to put pressure on you, your accountant and your finance broker to potentially make mistakes when compiling all the documents needed before mediation so they can try and get leverage in the mediation negotiations. "See Dr ATG didn't provide X or Y to us or left out A or B". I'm sure your lawyer is well aware of these tactics.

Remember 9, 8, 7... countdown.

Atg100 posted 8/13/2019 19:00 PM

I also think that it is tactical.
We had some further information coming through - and all of a sudden, her lawyer can act very quickly.
Next week Tuesday will be the mediation, so they can switch into second gear if they want to.

I had a further discussion with my lawyer and it turns out that she will get quite a bit of cash.
A lot , and more than I thought, and that is not even the final number just yet, as I am still waiting for the final assessment of my private practice.
Further more - I need to hope that she will accept an offer of 4 lump sum payments over the next 12 months, rather than one payout. That way I can avoid assets to be sold, which would get me into trouble with loans and the likes.
My income is good, my overheads are crazy.

I don't worry about whether this is fair or not.
I have her promise that she won't take me to the cleaners, and I think that is worth as much as her marriage vows.
I am a humble person, I don't have expensive hobbies or needs. I am as happy camping as I am in a 5 star resort - so it will be camping for the foreseeable future.

But my options are :
Pay the money.
Get back together with my ex.

I pay the cash, thanks.

We had an email correspondence about some dates for the co-parenting.
She had the audacity to sign her email xx.

Clever, she wants to make sure that I snap at a little bit of attention/ hopium , one week before the mediation.
I didn't react.

Marz posted 8/13/2019 20:31 PM

Yep, ignoring is your only good path.

It's good your are prepared. She will take everything she can get her hands on.

Sorry man

AFL1000 posted 8/14/2019 02:20 AM

ATG you knew your were going to take a financial hit when you proceeded along the divorce path. Your lawyer and accountant I am sure are doing their very best to limit the financial damage to you but as you are well aware assets are distributed based on a number of factors and rules set out in the Australian Family Law Act and the contribution of each party over the term of the relationship to the net property pool.

I hope your STBXW does stand by her promise to not take you to the cleaners and accepts your offer of the 4 payments over 12 months. However, we do know people's promises can amount to nothing once the $ signs are put in front of them.

Let's just hope your STBXW sees that your offer is fair and reasonable and she isn't unduly influenced by her family, her 'toxic' friends (your definition) or even her AP.

Countdown continues 7, 6, 5, .....

Atg100 posted 8/14/2019 04:07 AM

I will definitely not give her the satisfaction of making a comment after the mediation.
And it just motivates me to make my private practice grow.
I will be fine in the long run.

Marz posted 8/14/2019 04:55 AM

After mediation like most she'll want a hug, etc. to keep up the "lets be friends" game.

They cheat, get half the assets, alimony, child support and then expect you to be friends?

I'll puke if you do !!!!!!!

Atg100 posted 8/14/2019 05:23 AM

Correction - she gets 60%.
I asked my lawyer ď so basically , next week I just bend forward and hold on to my ankles?Ē
He said ď I try to reduce the damage, but some ankle holding will be required ...Ē

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