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Different perspective 2.0

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Atg100 posted 8/1/2019 06:09 AM

Thanks AFL - the good thing is that I donít need to care any more what she thinks or does unless it involves the children.
We are on a different path now .
My aim has to be that I react the same way, wether she finds Prince Charming or gets rolled over by the Karma bus - a simple ďwhatever ď shall be all I will say..,

ChamomileTea posted 8/1/2019 07:53 AM

2nd of August Ė One-year D-Day.
The day I found out that ĎAceí was not just a friend.
Since then I have
- Learned that my love to my children is the driving force behind everything I do.
- Learned who my friends are.
- Found incredible support on SI, my lifeline in so many sleepless nights.
- Read books, websites, listened to podcasts and attended talks from Buddhist monks, Navy Seal instructors, divorce lawyers, psychologists, economists and Japanese Samurai.
- Succeeded as a single dad
- Cleaned my house ďMarie KondoĒ style to get rid of a lot of things which donít give me joy
- Been on awesome holidays
- Adhered to a regular gym workout and rowing program.
- Started to go indoor rock climbing weekly and made new friends.
- Pushed my private practice forward.
D-Day is not what defines me. My choices and my actions do.

Gosh I sure do wish we had applause emojis! {Standing ovation!}

Atg100 posted 8/2/2019 15:08 PM

There was an aftermath to this sad anniversary.
My daughter was sick and I had a crazy day at work coming up.
My daughter had nothing serious just a mild fever and a runny nose.
So- the nanny kindly offered to look after her.
It's not a cheap way of doing it, but I have no family around.
I contemplated telling my ex that our daughter is sick. But really wanted no contact with her on the d-day anniversary.
Of course she came unannounced to my house to drop something off for the kids.
She called me on the phone - I was just driving from my practice to the hospital. And we never call each other.
Full of anger she asks" why did you not tell me that our daughter is sick"
I should have made something up and said I was about to email.
But her anger hit me, and I said very calmly: "Because today is the anniversary of when I found out about you and Ace and I wanted no contact with you"

She hung up.

What followed was a flurry of angry emails. She was the mother , she could have looked after the daughter before she had to go to work.
( A crazy idea as well, because she would have to take the daughter to her house and then back to mine, and then bring the nanny back. I didn't say that)

I emailed back - "now we have exactly what I wanted to avoid. An emotionally charged conversation.
Let's leave it and go back to being co-parents. Nobody wins anything out of angry emails."

What I noted is that Ace didn't get mentioned.

And in the very few discussions we had this year, her tone had changed. Back in December and January, I received all those emails where she was sorry that she crossed the boundaries of the marriage with Ace.
In the last 3 months, Ace was never mentioned again, it was from her point of view just our bad relationship and my dominating behaviour which caused the marriage to end.
So she is rewriting history like all the other cheaters.
I would respect her if she would say something along the lines of " I messed up, lets be good co-parents" . But she hasn't got the mental strength for this.

Atg100 posted 8/2/2019 15:08 PM

There was an aftermath to this sad anniversary.
My daughter was sick and I had a crazy day at work coming up.
My daughter had nothing serious just a mild fever and a runny nose.
So- the nanny kindly offered to look after her.
It's not a cheap way of doing it, but I have no family around.
I contemplated telling my ex that our daughter is sick. But really wanted no contact with her on the d-day anniversary.
Of course she came unannounced to my house to drop something off for the kids.
She called me on the phone - I was just driving from my practice to the hospital. And we never call each other.
Full of anger she asks" why did you not tell me that our daughter is sick"
I should have made something up and said I was about to email.
But her anger hit me, and I said very calmly: "Because today is the anniversary of when I found out about you and Ace and I wanted no contact with you"

She hung up.

What followed was a flurry of angry emails. She was the mother , she could have looked after the daughter before she had to go to work.
( A crazy idea as well, because she would have to take the daughter to her house and then back to mine, and then bring the nanny back. I didn't say that)

I emailed back - "now we have exactly what I wanted to avoid. An emotionally charged conversation.
Let's leave it and go back to being co-parents. Nobody wins anything out of angry emails."

What I noted is that Ace didn't get mentioned.

And in the very few discussions we had this year, her tone had changed. Back in December and January, I received all those emails where she was sorry that she crossed the boundaries of the marriage with Ace.
In the last 3 months, Ace was never mentioned again, it was from her point of view just our bad relationship and my dominating behaviour which caused the marriage to end.
So she is rewriting history like all the other cheaters.
I would respect her if she would say something along the lines of " I messed up, lets be good co-parents" . But she hasn't got the mental strength for this.

Marz posted 8/2/2019 15:48 PM

You are making her a non entity. You got a typical response. She dumped you but still wants control or to matter. That's all this is.

You're a doctor so you know if it's an everyday bug or cold.

Ensure she stays out of your home if you haven't.

[This message edited by Marz at 3:49 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Marz posted 8/2/2019 15:54 PM

A good friend of mine went through this same scenario.

It took about a year for his XWW to get it.

You'll be fine. Just continue on your path.

NoOptTo posted 8/2/2019 15:57 PM

ATG,

continue with your new mantra with her..... WHATEVER. You had a decision to make and you made it. Too bad your XW felt butt hurt. You took control of a situation and she was on the outside looking in. Her need for control is immense and you left her out of the loop. You didnt go looking for and outside person to keep watch over your DD. You used your hired help. Let her rant and rave. Continue forward knowing you did what you thought was right.

Now keep in mind, she may try to not let you know what's going on with your children as pay back because that is what narcs do. Just make sure you put in your D decree the right of first refusal when it comes to people outside the relationship watching your children. Make sure your hired help are exempt from this clause too.

Atg100 posted 8/2/2019 17:11 PM

Iím pretty sure there will be some kind of payback.
She is such a person.
I have learned to never ask her a question in an email - she always takes forever to answer it.

Like the other examples given - she will be a pain in the .... for a while .
Iím always thinking about long term consequences when talking to her. She seemingly never does.
Good thing is :
Under three weeks until financial separation and then I will file for divorce.
She officially moved out on the 6th of December.
In Australia that would be the day when the 12 month count down starts.
But if you have a 3rd person declaring that you have lived separately at home, you can file earlier.
One of my friends is happy or even keen to sign
But first things first.

AFL1000 posted 8/2/2019 21:47 PM

Hey ATG

Well whatever you do your STBXW is going to find fault. It's just her nature to do this given that she is, as you surmise, rewriting your marital history to family, friends and work acquaintances where I bet her affair with Ace is significantly downplayed, if mentioned at all!

I would seriously consider the option to amend the date of the 12 months separation and file earlier. As I understand family law in Australia separation begins when both parties no longer live as husband and wife which includes change in sleeping arrangements, cessation of any sexual relationship, separation of finances, reduction in shared activities, and/ or notified family and friends of breakdown of the marriage, even if still living under the same roof. If your friend is happy to complete an affidavit then that would be taken into account in determining the commencement of separation, which based on your posts on SI may bring it several months earlier than the December 6 date when she moved out.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 10:07 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 8/2/2019 22:20 PM

Yes, itís a small thing of pride wanting to divorce earlier than what she accepts. No point in making her more aggressive before the mediation on the 20th of August.
But on the 21st of August, I can file.

Marz posted 8/2/2019 22:23 PM

Forge ahead. No matter what you do she's going to find fault with it. That's how these types are.

Once you ignore after some time it'll dissipate.

The key is limit contact

paboy posted 8/3/2019 15:52 PM

Atg, your recent mindset has been a great read. You are finally moving out of infidelity.
Wow. Your projection now of your future plans are also awesome. I, for one, will be continualling reading your posts and cheering you on.

Atg100 posted 8/4/2019 19:04 PM

Itís a work in progress and I encounter challenges which are completely unexpected .
She sent an email, asking me not to go on holidays next school break, as it is unfair in her opinion that she canít afford similar adventures.
I took a couple of deep breaths, a lot of things cane to mind
Like :Ē go to med school and specialise ď
Or ď what I do with the kids during my time is none of your concern, unless it is something controversial ď

But I had the insight to ask a female friend to read my reply.
She came up with this beautiful answer instead which is so good, I had to publish it .


ďWe are not competing for the childrenís affection or love, which canít be bought anyway.

Holidays will be different from time to time - some at home, some to the places visited before and some to new places. As long as our children are having a good time, I believe thatís the most important thing.Ē

Iím sure my ex finds fault with this as well, but this is smooth as silk .

Marz posted 8/4/2019 20:01 PM

Learn to ignore. Not every comment from her needs a response.


It'll take awhile to get her trained. You'll never win because you are rational and she's not.

NoOptTo posted 8/4/2019 21:56 PM

I agree with Marz, no comment is perfect. You are just feeding her narc ego. Though the answer was outstanding, your playing her game. Remember your new mantra, whatever..... practice it.

Atg100 posted 8/4/2019 22:05 PM

Yes, I will change to no reply after the 20th of August.
At least that was my plan - to avoid a combative mindset of hers until after the mediation .
Iím starting to think though, that this is a pointless exercise in diplomacy. She just sends out those emails without ever giving them a second thought. No long game here.
How did I miss this level of pettiness during 12 years together?

That way the answer helped a lot.

There were a few other games played by her last weekend ; itís all along the same line.
Itís more like dealing with a teenager.

AFL1000 posted 8/4/2019 23:24 PM

Hi ATG

I know Marz and NoOptTo constantly reiterate that the best response is no response but did you send your friend's reply to your STBXW's email?

I am only guessing but given the proximity of the mediation, your STBXW may ramp up her emails, texts or calls as a deliberate strategy to provoke you into responding angrily or saying something she and her lawyers may be able to use at mediation. Be on your guard.

Atg100 posted 8/5/2019 01:04 AM

Iím on my guard.
Iím friendly , neutral and donít bite.
I donít think itís so much a strategy to get me to react, as opposed to her being unable to cope.
I will do nothing to inflame the situation.

Atg100 posted 8/5/2019 03:41 AM

Both children were crying at her house, asked for me and wanted me to stay with them.
I drove over, sat with them for 20 mins, until they were a little happier.
This time she couldnít complain...

[This message edited by Atg100 at 3:41 AM, August 5th (Monday)]

NoOptTo posted 8/5/2019 05:52 AM

This is beautiful. You were there when your children wanted you. And your STBXWW couldn't say a thing. Be prepared for her to ramp up her emails. Her narc like behavior wont allow you to come out being the good guy. She cant see the long game your playing. She is acting and reacting to suit her best interest. Your mediation cant get here quick enough. Stay strong, and remember.... whatever.

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