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Different perspective 2.0

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NoOptTo posted 7/21/2019 16:52 PM

Glad you are creating an environment of the quick exchange. More importantly, you realize that are your kids leave, you feel lonely and sad. Hitting the gym is great. Make it a regular routine. You can use it as a crutch if the exchange seems to take too long. Sorry I have to be someplace now.

You have set two long term goals. That's great. How can you set smaller more attainable goals that will lead to your larger goals? This will give you easier smelling things to build on to reach your ultimate goal. Keep moving forward ATG. Your life is in front of you, live it.

Atg100 posted 7/21/2019 23:00 PM

Well the long term goals are the ď strategic objective ď
The short term goals are the short term management steps to get there.

With regards to healing
- I will stop whinging about my ex. Sure, journaling here, and describing her behaviour is one thing. But complaining about her behaviour to friends, still puts her in charge of my happiness. I will try to accept her narcissistic choices just like I accept the rain. There is nothing I can do about it, but I can chose how I react to them.
I will put a few filters on my choices .
Why am I doing this ? Do my actions fit in with my long term goals? Are my thoughts due to anger or jealousy ?
Once I can answer such questions , I can figure out what Iím doing.
And I need to look after myself better, particularly on days when I donít have the kids.

paboy posted 7/22/2019 02:14 AM

Great my friend..great.. looking forward to your new adventure.

Buster123 posted 7/22/2019 10:02 AM

And I need to look after myself better, particularly on days when I donít have the kids.

Yes, keep yourself busy, pick up a new hobby, go out with friends and have fun, it will get even better after the D is final and you're ready to date again, you will be able to spend more time with your new girlfriend(s) when the kids are away, btw when that happens don't be surprised of your then EXWW being jealous or mean to your new woman, but then again, if it happens just ignore her and change the subject, anyway that's in the not too distant future.


Atg100 posted 7/22/2019 14:39 PM

I thought about dating.
At the moment, any new woman would just probably be a band aid to cover my pain.
And that maybe ok for some women, but I don't like to treat people like that.
I follow my path of recovery and I know when I am ready.

To formulate the new objective " recovered by 2020" is good guidance.
I had a sad dream last night - and I could have spent some time after waking up, thinking about the relationship and trying to interpret her actions and words.
But I just asked myself " How does this help your recovery? Do you think you are going to learn anything new ?"
And that helped me to focus on something else.
I just cleaned up my boy's bedroom. That was more productive, than churning over the same old story again.

And I have found my routine again.
I accept it and make it mine.
Lots of exercise and work in that one.

We still havent heard from the other lawyer.
Its now less than 4 weeks, untile the mediation, and I can see what will happen. They will try last minute to get my private practice evaluated, there won't be enough time and the mediation will be postponed. As the mediator is popular and busy, it will be months.
Good.
I am prepared and I won't let that affect my resilience in that matter.

A good lawyer told me " whenever you think the other side is doing something nasty, the explanation is in 90% incompetence and in 10% intent."
I can deal with both possibilities.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 4:30 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

steadychevy posted 7/22/2019 15:42 PM

Very good insight, Atg, on the dating issue. That's what will make you a good partner when the time comes.

NoOptTo posted 7/22/2019 17:58 PM

Far too many people want to jump back into dating due to loneliness. I appl6you for taking this time to heal from your wounds from your XWW. Years ago I waited over two and half years before I asked out another woman. It just so happened to turn out to be my future wife. Take your time and heal yourself. Maybe see a counselor and try to fix your picker. You may be surprised that subconsciously you tend to date the wrong type of woman.

Atg100 posted 7/24/2019 16:53 PM

No contact helps.
Having a long term objective helps.
Many moments, where I could have spiraled down into sadness.

I have a chalk board in my kitchen.
It says : "Strategic Objective " in massive letters.
I need to look at it and remember my goals.
1) Be the best father
2) Get over it by 2020.

getting closer

NoOptTo posted 7/24/2019 19:38 PM

Some people will also tape saying of inspiration around there house like on the bathroom mirror, the dresser, etc. So the next time you think you may e heading towards the rabbit hole, look at your goals, refocus your thinking, live a better life.

Atg100 posted 7/26/2019 15:03 PM

A good week.
Focussing purely on what is good for the long-term strategy makes my thinking more efficient.
I catch myself having not thought about her and the past for several hours.
This is new, the result of no-contact and actively searching for what is best for me.
I am working this weekend, so hand-over was yesterday evening. My kids brought friends over after school , all the kids know by now, that on Friday evening there will be pizza at ATGs home. I make the pizza myself, preparing the dough in the morning. I want my kids to have great childhood memories, and so often those are associated with food and laughter. My ex came at 7 pm, the house was still beaming with happy children, another parent was just there to pick up his boy. She was visibly taken back and looked sad, but then quickly switched into angry mode.
I didnít enter any skirmishes, remained friendly and polite.
She took the kids, I went to the gym and then had to head back into work.
This weekend may be a little tough Ė I have plenty of work to do, will spend a lot of time at the hospital Ė and when outside will get plenty of phone calls. Itís a little hard to meet friends Ė I may have to cancel last minute. So, I am on alert for loneliness and tiredness, these emotions could drag me down back to a dark spot. I will get some exercise in today, no excuses. And I have other friends who are doctors, they all know what its like to be Ďon-callí. I will chat with them and maybe meet a coffee.
About Ďno-contactí.
No-contact has got a passive component: Donít call, email, look on facebook, or old photos on your phone.
But is has a very active component: There is a void, left by the wayward spouse, or by our pre-occupation of dealing with the affair. If you ignore this, it will just suck you in again. Filling this gap with something meaningful, is the active component.
And at the beginning of the recovery, you may have only got the energy for the passive component of it. But there is a healing power in it, and slowly you can become active in your recovery.
I am by no means there and I am only figuring this out, as I go along Ė but by 2020, I will be!

Marz posted 7/26/2019 21:00 PM

Donít call, email, look on facebook, or old photos on your phone.

Purge the home, phone, etc. and block all social media, her family too.

AFL1000 posted 7/26/2019 23:52 PM

Hi ATG

I've been away from SI for a couple of weeks but in coming back to your thread I note a much more positive outlook from you than 2-4 weeks ago. I attribute this in part to the setting of your 'strategic objectives' and in developing strategies to deal with being emotionally hurt as a result of your STBXW's words or actions.

My ex came at 7 pm, the house was still beaming with happy children, another parent was just there to pick up his boy. She was visibly taken back and looked sad, but then quickly switched into angry mode.

Of course she was pissed off because she still expects you to be miserable and missing her. To see you and the kids enjoying the pizza night, and OMG having fun without her, triggers her narcissistic nature. How dare ATG enjoy life without me. Glad you countered any confrontation by just being polite and ignoring her anger. Well played.

As usual Marz is a man of few words but he is right on the money re: phone, email and social media contact.

Glad to see the steps you are taking in these past weeks are helping you heal and give you a path to your end goal of 'recovered by 2020'.

You're doing great ATG. Keep moving forward. August mediation is just around the corner.

Atg100 posted 7/28/2019 02:31 AM

Thanks for the support .
Itís good to step back a little and try to be task orientated and have the big picture in mind.
Just over 3 weeks until mediation and I had some good feedback about the mediator.
He is a retired judge from the childrenís court, his main interest is the well-being of the children involved. Apparently , he wouldnít tolerate much nonsense if there is a reasonable offer on the table and puts pressure on both parties to find a solution on that day. 80% of his mediations end up in settlement.
Iím sure I will have to deal with a compromise .
My ex seems still quite angry. I had to sent her a couple of questions regarding some payments which are tax deductible .
She replies are full on.
But that is ok.
Each communication is a chance for me to practice how to deal with a angry narcissist .
So I just smile and wave ...

CallASpadeASpade posted 7/28/2019 03:15 AM

My kids brought friends over after school , all the kids know by now, that on Friday evening there will be pizza at ATGs home. I make the pizza myself, preparing the dough in the morning. I want my kids to have great childhood memories, and so often those are associated with food and laughter.

Hello, Sir. I have no advice for your situation, but I'd like to let you know that you are doing something magical and wonderful for you children.

Mental illness runs in my family. My mom went through a period of severe instability. There was no infidelity, but my Dad was the only stable parent for quite a while.

During this period, there was this specific period of time where we had several "Daddy + his girls" days. Usually we'd only do it every few weeks, but during this period we were going 4/5 times a week.

We'd go do things like watch double features or go to the park and play kick ball with my dad. But my favorite was when we'd get ice cream from Foster's and we'd take the same 45 minute joy ride. Blasting music or me and my sister just talking my dad's ear off about the mundane. My dad would just indulge our need for expression. We were little, so it was mostly us telling exaggerated versions of what happened to us at school that day lol

Those drives are something we still do today (over 20 years later and now we bring my baby love, my sister's baby, with us. So my dad's girls have grown in number haha).

I didn't find out until a few years ago that that period of intense fun was during my Mom's most intense suicidal/homicidal period.

My mom would melt down and threaten to kill us then herself. My dad would simply tell my mom that she wasn't gonna take his kids and we'd go out for the day.

Instead of feeling deceived, I felt this overwhelming sense of just - HOLY SHIT MY DAD LOVES THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

To know that he did what you did, he decided to create associations for us that were positive.

We knew my mom was sick and, unfortunately, my dad was unable to protect us 100% of the time. But we never knew of her homicidal tendencies until my dad told us.

It got to the point where my dad told my mom to get help or he was taking us and leaving.

Although your wife did not rise to the challenge, you need to understand that you are laying a foundation of trust and love and contentment in your children.

Even though my mom did rise to the occasion, the impact of my dad's constant investment of love into us is what cemented him as the parent we go to for logical and stern guidance. It was my dad's words that helped flip the switch in me after my borderline onset.

And hearing about how all the kids know your house is the pizza-dome reminds me of this past father's day. I posted a photo of me and my dad at his father's day BBQ and there were several comments made by old friends from middle and high school who were all writing memories of my dad. One friend, who grew up fatherless, messaged me and said that she was always so grateful to be around my dad because she saw how he treated us and how we interacted and she wanted that. Others talked about my dad always laughing and noticing if they were having a bad day and being there to offer guidance.

You, sir, are creating your legacy every Friday when you make that pizza.

As a kid whose dad was much like yourself, know that you're giving your children the gift of yourself and that is one of the few good gifts that keep on giving.

This is kinda stupid, but I feel the most intense sense of self pride and joy when I make my dad laugh. Of course I love when he is proud of my accomplishments, but my dad has always been the funniest person I know and I was not a funny kid. So he had to grin and bear the same bad jokes over and over. But as I got older, I began making him laugh in earnest and those moments just made me beam. Things like that are a result of his efforts when we were kids.

Keep up the good work, Sir.

Atg100 posted 7/28/2019 03:43 AM

Hi, thanks for your post.
Your childhood must have been tough - you report the good things your dad did. But Iím sure there were plenty of difficulties with your mum.
I try to do my best - I see how quickly time flies and Iím sure it wonít be long before they are teenagers and want to be more independent .
By the way - itís not a competition with my ex.
She is a good mother (I hope), but what she does with them is out of my control.
I can only control myself - and putting the kids first was my very first reaction to this whole mess.
I hope I succeed and my kids will think as highly of me as you think of your dad !

CallASpadeASpade posted 7/28/2019 05:48 AM

Your childhood must have been tough - you report the good things your dad did. But Iím sure there were plenty of difficulties with your mum.
I try to do my best - I see how quickly time flies and Iím sure it wonít be long before they are teenagers and want to be more independent .
By the way - itís not a competition with my ex.
She is a good mother (I hope), but what she does with them is out of my control.
I can only control myself - and putting the kids first was my very first reaction to this whole mess.
I hope I succeed and my kids will think as highly of me as you think of your dad !

It was tough, but the situation is actually pretty common in my demographic. There's not a lot of acceptance of mental illness in my culture. So things get rugswept - add in all the associated struggles that come with poverty and shit's gonna get real. It helps to contextualize it because it gives me perspective and cultivates gratitude.

And I completely agree that it's not a competition. By rising to the occasion, I meant that you set boundaries that they either cease their behavior or you're gone. I'm close to both my parents, but my dad's actions during that time are what caused me and my sister to look to him for that. I apologize for the confusion.

Don't worry about the teenage years. Teenagers are assholes because they're teenagers. But even if they make bad decisions, it's going to be the lessons they've learned from their parents that will enable them to pull themselves back up.

Based on your threads, Sir, your kids already think this way of you.

Atg100 posted 7/29/2019 06:54 AM

A good day.
Busy at work but made it in time to drive my boy to judo training. I enjoyed watching him, he is having a great time.
Afterwards I went to the gym myself .
I came home quite late - but who cares ?
Single man dinner , steak and eggs, listening to music I enjoy.
Itís amazing how much time I have spent before, thinking about my situation and trying to interpret everything .
It wasnít a waste of time, it was part of the process.
But now I have to get on with living .

AFL1000 posted 7/30/2019 00:30 AM


...But now I have to get on with living.

Hallelujah ATG. These are the words we have been waiting to hear.

Atg100 posted 8/1/2019 05:18 AM

2nd of August Ė One-year D-Day.
The day I found out that ĎAceí was not just a friend.
Since then I have
- Learned that my love to my children is the driving force behind everything I do.
- Learned who my friends are.
- Found incredible support on SI, my lifeline in so many sleepless nights.
- Read books, websites, listened to podcasts and attended talks from Buddhist monks, Navy Seal instructors, divorce lawyers, psychologists, economists and Japanese Samurai.
- Succeeded as a single dad
- Cleaned my house ďMarie KondoĒ style to get rid of a lot of things which donít give me joy
- Been on awesome holidays
- Adhered to a regular gym workout and rowing program.
- Started to go indoor rock climbing weekly and made new friends.
- Pushed my private practice forward.
D-Day is not what defines me. My choices and my actions do.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 5:19 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]

AFL1000 posted 8/1/2019 05:58 AM

Great post ATG. Every point a positive statement of you moving forward with your new life with your kids as the focal point. The person you are shines through ...this is what your STBXW has stupidly given up and walked away from. I am sure she will live to regret her actions and decisions.

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