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Different perspective 2.0

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Marz posted 7/8/2019 01:03 AM

Learn to ignore. You just keep resetting the clock back with contact.

Atg100 posted 7/8/2019 01:10 AM

Hey thanks guys.
I really have gone back and circumstances promoted that quite a bit.
I do feel that I have been alone with depressive thoughts recently and also - my grieving is now prolonged .
Yes I have scratched the scab of the wound.

I do think I need some outside help to get me over the hurdle .
And sticking to my routine, but yes, ignoring will be the first task.
And again - she has already sent me 3 text messages today.
Itís super annoying

Marz posted 7/8/2019 01:22 AM

Learn to ask yourself this.

Do I need to respond? Most often you don't. If you do keep it to yes or no answers.

Think back about when you've initiated contact. What was the result? You seem to be wanting her to "get it". The reality is you aren't getting it. This is who she is and you'll never change her. All you're doing is setting yourself up for constant dissapointment and giving her your headspace. You get nothing out of this.

This is common sense. You don't need a therapist to tell you that.

Marz posted 7/8/2019 01:25 AM

Limbo is a self imposed state.

Atg100 posted 7/8/2019 01:30 AM

Yes I know all this logically.
Thatís why Iím a bit worried about myself .
I can be a logical professional and in control.

I was so far ahead and right now I feel a bit passive , sitting in the roller coaster and itís going down.

My answers were ď yes ď and ď no ď only , I have to bring kids stuff to her house tonight, but will make sure I will be doing a very late drop off with no contact

Marz posted 7/8/2019 01:36 AM

You're intelligent so start putting your logic to use.

You are letting your emotions guide you too much.

Learn to stop and think about the ramifications before you act.

If you put your hand in a fire you get burnt. Learn from your past actions.

She's told you and shown you who and what she is. Start using that info.

Atg100 posted 7/8/2019 06:10 AM

Thank you again.
You are absolutely correct.

sisoon posted 7/8/2019 09:49 AM

Logic won't get you off the roller coaster.

Have you tried just riding it? If so, what happens?

Have you listened for your self-talk? What does it say? It's likely to be particularly loud when your STBXW contacts you.

Asking yourself if a contact needs a response is a very good tactic.

steadychevy posted 7/8/2019 10:21 AM

Glad to hear you're going to try a different psychologist. A connection with them is important, IMO. You will know if the new one is a good fit soon enough. If not, try another. I'm on my third. She's great. Also, I think it's a good idea of what your expectations are and what you're trying to achieve with treatment. We went through that in the first appointment. The 2nd psychologist was only one appointment and was a waste of money. It's an investment in you and you're worth it.

Cooley2here posted 7/8/2019 10:43 AM

I havenít read your history so some of this might not apply. If you can afford it then have two sets of everything so one is at your place and one is at hers. If the trade off is too painful have a relative do it for you. Have ALL conversations go through your attorney unless it is an emergency.

This is the hardest part. You are nothing to her. You are a thing she can toy with. Let go of any idea she cares about you.

I stumbled across a preacherís talk who said what all bs need to know. IF THEY WALK AWAY, LET THEM GO. Take back your life.

Get on medication if you need to. Donít let pride keep you from getting help. The long term effects of stress are awful. Take care of yourself.

paboy posted 7/8/2019 13:37 PM

Bud, I agree with what some of the other posters have stated, and am glad that a bit of 4 by 2 was used to get you out of your slump.

I was hoping that on your return from your break that you would be of the frame of mind to start putting an end to all this and start putting the hammer down.

Get out of infidelity. It's messing with your mind.

Be decisive, take back control. Get out of infidelity.

Atg100 posted 7/8/2019 14:57 PM

If they walk away, let them go.
I love this guidance , thank you for the quote.
I had time to exercise and slept well.
I realise a couple of factors which impacted on my sadness .
Camping was great and I take a certain pride that I am able to do this as a single parent with my kids.
However, on all the camp grounds , I was surrounded by families . Watching husband and wifeís working together and sharing tasks. Whilst I was in charge of everything. I couldnít even discuss plans with anyone, I was completely self reliant.
What I was missing and what made me sad is - the happy family life. I confused this with thinking that my ex-wife may be the way to get such family life back.
That is not the case. If I imagine for a second that we would get back together now - we would be poisonous for each other, it wouldnít last 2 days.
She is a lying cheater who still stone walls, lies and blame shifts.
She is not the family mother or wife I am longing for.

Marz posted 7/8/2019 20:38 PM

Stop living in the fantasy of what you wanted it to be.

It takes two for that.

She has clearly shown you what you need to know.

Atg100 posted 7/9/2019 14:08 PM

I am a bit better.
Being in a supportive work environment, being busy helps.
I am actually crazily busy since returning from holidays, I had to hit the floor running.
I took time out as well - and went indoor rock climbing with a friend. I mentioned briefly my thought processes during the holidays but actually wanted to talk about normal stuff instead, which we did.
I received a new psychologist appointment, not before the first week of August, but thatís ok, Iím in the system.
I made myself available if she has any cancellations.
I have a mandatory course on Friday, as a consequence of my breaching of data confidentiality when ringing the APís wife.
( I received a disciplinary reprimand and have been reported to my national licensing authority. By doing this course, I hope to avoid having a public entry into the national registry). This is another source of stress I donít need at the moment)

Anyway, in a strange way, the course material is quite useful.
ď A professional does the right thing, regardless of how he feelsĒ
No contact yesterday

[This message edited by Atg100 at 2:45 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

Stevesn posted 7/9/2019 15:08 PM

ATG

I just wanted to remind you that being partnerless is not a lifelong affliction. After the D is complete and you take some time to heal, you will find someone that is a much better partner for you than your exW was.

And she will be there for you when you have those Adult conversations during camping, traveling, working and living every day.

Donít forget that.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 3:08 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

NoOptTo posted 7/9/2019 15:17 PM

Glad you feel back on track ATG. It's always those down times when we dont keep ourselves busy when we tend to let our minds wonder to what could of been. Why dont they get our pain. That's just the cross we have to bare as BS. Notice when you limit contact with your STBXWW, you feel better. Just dont don't do it. Keep all contact as short as possible with her. She has your number figuratively and knows how to get to your emotions. Just dont put yourself in those positions. As others have said, review every message she sends you and think a couple of times, does this warrant a response. Then as you have keep all responses short, to the point, period. At this point every time you ask her about your D, your beating a dead horse. You have your mediation date, let your lawyer do his job. Let him talk to her lawyer about the paper work she is still missing. You deal with situations concerning your children. Short exchanges, limited conversations, sorry, I have plans , I need to go, and leave.

Atg100 posted 7/9/2019 18:01 PM

Thank you all again for the messages of support.
I have a bit of healing to do before I could consider dating.
But that is ok.
I am in my private rooms today.
My ex messaged about something, I got my secretary to answer. It was about a health related matter, so deserved a reply.
My secretary is keeping my phone this morning.
I wish that could be a permanent solution, but it's certainly good enough for today.
I am a super busy, but i will definitely go and exercise tonight.

My lawyer came back to me : My wife's disclosure of her savings accounts is still incomplete.
We know exactly what she is hiding - it may be intentional or due to incompetence.
He sent her lawyer another letter, asking for full disclosure in general terms, so "that we will give her just enough rope to hang herself".
The court doesn't like at all, if there is incomplete disclosure , so she is shooting herself in the foot.

Atg100 posted 7/10/2019 06:49 AM

After we sent a letter to her lawyer yesterday , essentially telling them that we have now waited since January for agreement on values.
We pointed out that if a disagreement on values derails the mediation , I am not prepared to carry the cost of a late evaluation .
My lawyer got a phone call from the other sideís senior partner today.
Would I agree to carry the full cost of an evaluation ? My soon to be ex, hasnít got any money.
My lawyer told her how much money she has and that her disclosure was incomplete .
He informed her that I would pay for half of the cost at best.

Atg100 posted 7/10/2019 06:49 AM

We sent a letter to her lawyer yesterday , essentially telling them that we have now waited since January for agreement on values.
We pointed out that if a disagreement on values derails the mediation , I am not prepared to carry the cost of a late evaluation .
My lawyer got a phone call from the other sideís senior partner today.
Would I agree to carry the full cost of an evaluation ? My soon to be ex, hasnít got any money.
My lawyer told her how much money she has and that her disclosure was incomplete .
He informed her that I would pay for half of the cost at best.

But itís interesting that now the senior lawyer has taken over it seems.
Anyway - my lawyer is very good

[This message edited by Atg100 at 6:53 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Atg100 posted 7/13/2019 04:47 AM

Just checking in.
The week was very buys and just flew by.
My boy fell sick again, with a flu-like illness.
My wife sent me a text:
"Lucky you , taking the kids on an interstate holiday and I have to deal with them when they are sick".
I didn't answer, but I am grateful that she gave an insight into her petty mindset.

I finished the compulsory course I needed to do and that took some weight of my shoulder.
The kids are still with her, so I used to morning to clean my house further.
" Unspouse the house"
I found a few more items of her, took a photo and asked her if she wanted those things.
Very angry response.

I manage to step back just a little.
We both are angry and dealing with the breakup in a roller coaster type of way. She had told me before how hurtful she thought it was that I get rid of any memory of hers.
Well, it's the reality of the breakup, equally I maybe should have waited until after the separation to avoid more conflict.
Then again, I thought it was a pretty neutral thing to do.

I went out last night and I will go and meet a friend at his place.

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