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The blessings of detachment

ashesofkali posted 5/19/2019 12:22 PM

I'm a BW. WH had an LTA. It's been 9 months since I forced him to move out. I'd like to be able to say "I feel so much better now" and leave it at that, but that's not quite true. I do feel better (LOTS better), but I also know I'm just now learning to put down the hopium pipe and admit to myself that we're not going to reconcile. And you know what? I actually don't think my life would be better if we reconciled. If we got back together, I'd spend the rest of my life being 1.) sad about the years wasted/lost due to his cheating, and 2.) wondering if he was still cheating. Sounds like a recipe for more misery.

Going into the separation, I was scared that I'd be lonely. But I'm not. Living alone is wonderful. I talk to myself all day, and I've discovered that I really enjoy my own company. It's such a relief to no longer have him here picking apart everything I say. I trust my instincts more and more; I doubt myself less and less.

Years ago, when WH and I were first together, I was telling my mom about him and I said: "I love that boy so much!" Fast forward to a few days after Dday #1, when I told Mom I had caught him cheating. She very matter-of-factly said: "Daughter, I was always worried that he wasn't a good match for you. But you loved him so much that I never said anything." When I asked her why she had always been worried that he wasn't a good match for me, she reminded me of that day, 15 years earlier, when I had said "I love that boy so much!" Her worry stemmed from the fact that I called him a boy, not a man. When Mom reminded me of that, I had to admit to myself that it had always worried me too. Even as I was saying it, I knew there was something wrong with the fact that I thought of him as a boy and not a man. But I brushed it off and ignored it, tried to convince myself that there was something charming about his boyishness. I understand now that immaturity is not charming; it's just immaturity.

Now that I'm no longer allowing a cheater to control my headspace, I'm able to see things with clarity. I realize I allowed myself to be harmed by ignoring my own red flags about WH. I'm starting to date again, and I've already said no to one 40-something guy because I can tell at a glance that he's still an adolescent. Clarity of mind is an amazing tool, and separation is what has given me that gift.

Peace and love to everyone here. May we all find better lives for ourselves.

Chili posted 5/19/2019 12:34 PM

What a great post. You sound so very wise and grounded. (Unfortunately your wisdom came from a painful journey).

I'm so glad you're enjoying your own company. It just reinforces how you really are going to be ok - not matter what your path looks like from here on out. I had to learn how to trust myself again as well. It's really empowering.

You certainly sound like your own best caretaker these days. Thanks for sharing this piece of your journey!

BearlyBreathing posted 5/19/2019 14:31 PM

Love this! So much truth!

ErinHa posted 5/20/2019 13:39 PM

I love this post, I'm so glad you are enjoying your time and free space, it is amazing how we start to think differently when we don't have their lies and manipulation running through our brains constantly.

I am especially inspired by your trusting your own instincts and not doubting yourself. I too was always made to feel like I never made the right decisions, did stupid stuff etc. Isn't it great NOT to have to put up with that?

I'm so proud of you and happy for you!

AbandonedGuy posted 5/20/2019 14:37 PM

What's with moms keeping stuff from us. Mine said something very similar.

Getting over the ex is such a weight off. I'm glad you're entering the Heaven Place with the rest of us lost souls. Good on you for getting back out there. Please share any dating tips you've got for everyone else staring into the brave new world of weird dating apps and ghosting.

ashesofkali posted 5/20/2019 15:20 PM

I too was always made to feel like I never made the right decisions, did stupid stuff etc. Isn't it great NOT to have to put up with that?

ErinHa: Turns out we're pretty smart, huh? So nice to discover that!

ashesofkali posted 5/20/2019 15:38 PM

What's with moms keeping stuff from us. Mine said something very similar.

Interesting thought, AbandonedGuy. I think I'm gonna run any future potential partners past my mom for approval. Seems like her instincts are pretty solid.

Please share any dating tips you've got for everyone else staring into the brave new world of weird dating apps and ghosting.

Yeah, new world dating is a trip. My initial read is that apps are not a great place to meet people – the way the apps try to monetize people's loneliness gives me the creeps. And I figure anyone who ghosts me was bound to be an unreliable partner anyway, so fuck em. My latest method has been to just go out and do things I like to do: I go shoot pool alone, I go rollerskating alone, etc. I've made some new friends that way, and they're people who happen to be into the same things I'm into. And if I don't meet anybody, oh well, at least I spent the time doing something I enjoyed, right?

[This message edited by ashesofkali at 3:40 PM, May 20th (Monday)]

Hobbyist posted 5/20/2019 19:59 PM

My latest method has been to just go out and do things I like to do
- This is such good advice, and you're also learning to enjoy the things you enjoy WITHOUT the need for someone to enjoy it with. Something I'm trying to work on and haven't quite mastered.

My dating advice is write on a post-it note "what kind of partner do I want", and stick it to your bathroom mirror to read every day. I did this recently, and it was uncomfortable to write and read for a bit, it's like I never stopped and considered what kind of partner I want, I was just waiting for someone to come along and pick me. The thing is, people seem to pick me easily - then I ignore signs that they aren't a good match for me, and end up dating them too long and self-sabotaging. Some thought of what you want in a partner before hand can be good.

KarenDC posted 5/26/2019 18:00 PM

Love this so much, thank you ashesofkali for posting such valuable insight. My mom also warned me....”you’re marrying a boy, you need a man” She was so right, and 37 years later, he still has not grown up.

hardtimesinlife posted 5/27/2019 11:23 AM


Greatest quote ever.
"Immaturity is not charming"

What's with moms keeping stuff from us. Mine said something very similar.

As a mother of a mature DD I know exactly why mothers keep their mouths shut. She got engaged at 26 and I gently gave my opinion on his suitability as a spouse. Bad idea. It caused a rift in our relationship because, while she trusts my judgment, she was in love. Still is, as a matter of fact, but I can see some red flags having to do with his personality. He is an excellent provider and seems to be a good dad (2 kids and one on the way) but I still have an uneasy gut feeling. And she will probably never feel comfortable coming to me with any marital issues. I shut my mouth and it has stayed shut ever since. If the time comes I will never say I told you so and I will offer support without judgement. I learned my lesson.

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