SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

BrittanyNicole11 posted 5/18/2019 18:55 PM

Update 5/20: I have a few threads going so I wanted to update on here as well. Posted: 3:33 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2019 View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage
Hi all. So remember how I said I was collecting evidence because he hasn’t actually admitted? Well. I came home to change before the gym, threw my coffee in the recycling and guess what I found right on top? A Starbucks cup with HER name on it. I feel like I just won the lottery lol.
He was home. I actually didn’t Initiate any text conversation today. It’s been all him. I was very brief with our interaction as I came and went but he was kind of following me around. Very interesting...
I grabbed the cup and I’m holding onto it. I am not sure where I should put it. I wanted to confront him right then and there, but I held off and I wanted to go work out lol.
I’m going to start consulting with some lawyers and find out my rights (fear of the unknown is what scares me most about pursuing a D). We will see if we have another conversation about his affair that he won’t admit to and I will show him what I found. Then it’s ultimatum time. As much as I want to reconcile I don’t believe he will because he’s too deep in this affair fog. If he decides to reconcile great but if he chooses her, good riddance and I will tell everyone exactly why we broke up.
Have a great day.
———

I believe my husband’s affair started as an emotional affair. It’s a girl he sees at the gym and they started talking on Instagram. I noticed back in January, but never said anything because I trusted him and I don’t care who he is friends with. Well one day about a month ago he just went completely cold and said he didn’t love me anymore and he felt stuck and such. This literally came out of the blue up until then I felt things were actually going really well. I noticed the texting really picked up after that. That’s when it hit me that their affair crossed a line naans clearly progressed into something more..
I haven’t been able to read their messages but I have caught a few in his watch. She was pissed they couldn’t meet that morning because I worked from home and also that it was too much for her mentally. Well clearly things are still okay because I know the affair is continuing.
I do not want to get a divorce. We definitely neglected our relationship after our child was born. I want to work it out and it seems like when we do make some strides, this girl keeps sinking her claws in deeper.
I just can’t stand the thought of giving him what he wants and this woman being my daughters step mom. What a great role model for our daughter... a woman who thinks it’s ok to pursue a married man. Yes, I know my husband is just at fault.
I am trying to drag this out as long as possible. I am saving some money and gathering evidence for now (he has never actually admitted to the affair). In case he does actually leave me. I have no family here and not much of a savings so I am trying to play it smart. Even though it’s so hard.
I’ve made all the mistakes of crying, begging pleading etc. part of me wishes he would just wake up and realize that this is a fantasy world and the grass will not be greener. I know many things say you should give them space, but I’m absolutely terrified that I would lose him for good. The thought of them going off and having their happily ever after makes me so angry too.
I have been doing more for myself lately though and doing all the self care things, and it feels really good!
I know at the end of the day I will be ok no matter the outcome. I honestly could forgive him if he would come clean and admit he was wrong.
I feel like this post is all over the place but if you all read it, thanks for listening to my thoughts.

[This message edited by BrittanyNicole11 at 4:43 PM, May 20th (Monday)]

ashesofkali posted 5/18/2019 19:27 PM

Hi BrittanyNicole – I am also a betrayed wife. I'm so sorry you have a reason to be on this site, but it's good that you are here. SI has been a godsend for so many of us. I've been reading here for over 2 years but hardly ever post, because I usually feel like I have nothing to add to what others here say. But I noticed that no one has responded to your post yet, so I'll give it a try.

I think you are doing the right thing by keeping quiet and saving $, so that you can support yourself if your marriage does end. It's clear that your husband doesn't care about your feelings (if he truly valued you, he wouldn't be having this affair and lying to you about it). So that makes it possible, perhaps even likely, that he'll take off with his AP (affair partner) and leave you with no way to support yourself.

Keep taking care of yourself. I would caution you to make sure you're not doing the Pick Me dance – don't let him see you crying and don't be extra sweet to him in an effort to win him back. You can't nice a person back from infidelity. I tried that with my WH (wayward husband), and he simply took it to mean that I would never be strong enough to leave him or kick him out. I was hoping to win him back; he took that as an opportunity to carry on with his A. We went through 2 solid years of false R (reconciliation) where I thought we were working on fixing our marriage, but he was just going thru the motions while he kept on cheating on me. I was destroyed all over again when I discovered that. False R is total hell. I hope it doesn't happen to you.

I don't know if my words will help you any, but I hope they do. Mostly, I just want to send you love and support. Know that you WILL get through this, and your life will be better on the other side of it. Hugs.

ashesofkali posted 5/18/2019 19:35 PM

BrittanyNicole – I thought of one more thing I should tell you. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Nothing you did caused your husband to cheat on you. And you do not deserve to have him treat you this way. His affair is 100% his responsibility. Be strong.

BrittanyNicole11 posted 5/18/2019 19:38 PM

Thank you for your reply!! Some days I feel really strong others I feel really defeated. Although I am hopeful we will reconcile, a part of me is afraid your story will be mine. I know I am the victim in this situation but I am doing my best not to show any weakness.

amethyst0323 posted 5/18/2019 20:15 PM

Hello, so sorry you are going through this.

Your husband is having an affair. The only thing you need to find out is if it is still just emotional or if he has passed on to a physical affair.

If he does confess anything DO NOT believe him. He will lie, he will minimise it and if he thinks he can get away with it he will continue the affair even when he knows you know.

I knew (suspected) about my husbands affair for about 18 months of the 2 years it went on for. I raised it many times, he lied, gaslit and deceived me every time. I truely believed it was emotional and he wouldn't physically cheat on me so I buried my head in the sand. Eventually I caught him a small lie about her and told him to stop all contact. I believed he had and he confessed to an emotional affair with one Skype sex session. Stupidly I believed him (although not fully). I then found they were still in contact and knew I was done.

I text him at work, sent him a screenshot of what I found and told him he had 30 mins to pack his bags and leave. I was done and would divorce him. This was what he needed to snap him out of everything, since that night he has done everything he can to save our marriage. He is NC, he is working on himself, he is kind and patient with me and he realises exactly what an idiot he was.

There is a saying on here that you have to be prepared to risk your marriage to save your marriage. He needs a wake up call as soon as you are ready to give it to him.

And he is unlikely to get a happy ending with this women. Their relationship is exciting purely because it is fantasy. When she is picking up his underwear off the floor or can't do exciting things because he has commitments to his children she will soon loose the fantasy appeal.

A high number of married men do not want to lose their wife, they do not leave their marriages for the OW and even if he does he is unlikely to find happiness with someone he knows is a liar and a cheat. The number of affairs that lead to successful marriages is tiny.

Good luck, find your strength and show him what an idiot he is. Most of all show him that you don't need him, you can survive whatever is coming.

[This message edited by amethyst0323 at 8:15 PM, May 18th (Saturday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/18/2019 20:52 PM

Read the healing library in the top left corner. Tell your CH that you know he is cheating. At this point, it doesn't matter if it's an EA or a PA.

Tell him that he has to cut off all contact with the OW.

If she has boyfriend or husband, inform him.

Get yourself tested for STIs. I would not have sex with your H unless/until he does NC and tests clean.

Do the 180.

If he says he's leaving, let him. Right now, he's already gone. He won't wake up unless you force him to.

I was like you in the beginning and could not stand the idea of my fch running off with the OW. There was no way she was going to be stepmom to my kids. For a while, that is the only reason I stayed. There was no way I was going to let them win. He owed me.

However, I did not do the pick me dance. I demanded all of the things above, plus a polygraph because he would not confess to sex.

BrittanyNicole11 posted 5/18/2019 21:03 PM

Thank you all for the support/advice :) I’m glad I found this forum

The1stWife posted 5/19/2019 05:35 AM

I was in your shoes. Exactly. Two kids, house, mortgage, bills and expenses and no $ in my name.

So for 6 months I hoarded $.

When I found out the Affair had continued (while I thought we were reconciling) it was like a sucker punch. 6 months of me working my butt off and he resumed the affair. I was done!

I had to put myself first and get out. My sanity depended on moving on from the nightmare he created for me.

I had a plan B. And DDay2 forced me to execute it.

You are doing the right thing. You know you cannot control him. But you can control you. Right now he doesn’t believe you will leave him - neither did my H after 25 years of marriage. He completely underestimated me.

Also my H blamed me for his Affair and his unhappiness and I was the reason he cheated. Typical cheater move. Know most cheaters blame the spouse.

Regarding the OW being the step mom - I had to face that b/c the OW in my case wanted to be the step mom. I was going to make sure that she had no access to my kids if they were not married (they were young teens). I would have fought tooth and nail to make sure it was in the D decree had we Divorced.

And by the time I was done with him, he would have been supporting two homes and seeing his kids on weekends - well little Miss Hot Thing would not have been too happy. She would not have been his number one priority any longer. No $, no time with her “true love” on the weekends and I doubt she would have stuck around. She would have been third in the priority list hahaha

I like your approach. You are doing the right thing. You cannot control him - only you. Keep posting. You will get great advice here.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:50 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]