Good to hear from you SD
So glad you are starting to take action. Without him taking ownership or doing anything to provide remorse, transparency or anything to help you heal is not a good way to live.
So my advice would be to OUT their relationship to anyone who matters, the OBS, your family and friends, work (unless u think that will get him fired ... if so, wait on that til after D).
Then file for D. You can have your lawyer work it slowly if there is some target date for maximum alimony. Not sure 17th anniversary is a real milestone for that, but your lawyer should know.
As for WH, it’s time to fully detach from him.
Below is a generic list of things you should do when you have a non Remorseful WS. Some you have already done, but it may help.
In the meantime if I were you, something like this would be the last words I would say to him before letting a lawyer handle the rest. Customize as you see fit.
“I hoped to love and care for you the rest of our lives. I wanted to live out our gold years together.
Obviously you care more about the OW than you do our marriage. I can no longer be in a 3-way relationship.
So I’m letting you go pursue what you so desperately seem to want.
Repairing our relationship is not simply you saying you’re sorry and then forgetting what you have done. I would need to see true remorse from you for how you have hurt me.
In addition I would need full transparency, counseling for you and us, a post-nup to secure me financially, no contact with your lover including not working with her any more, reading about infidelity and most important, true emotions showing me how you feel about me.
I don’t believe you care enough about me to be able to do even one of those things, let alone all of them which are needed to rebuild the marriage your betrayal has destroyed.
So I’m moving on without you. I’m expecting this will be a relief to you as I no longer care to discuss your affair with you anymore. You can start to live your life without me now.
My heart is broken. It’s time for me to start healing it on my own.
I no longer wish any contact with you. Please respect that request. “
And then please SD, start building your own new life. It’s time.
If he decides to do the work needed that’s for him to decide. Stop asking him to do it.
I promise after a few months of NC and detaching from him you will find your self worth again and realize there are men out there who value you as a friend and as a partner/lover out there.
Good luck
Here is that list.
1) you should get a lawyer. Call tomorrow. Go interview a couple next week. When you settle on one find out your options. Tell them to draft D papers to be served at your notice
2) get in IC. If you are not already find one that specializes in infidelity
3) open your own bank account at another bank. Move half your joint money to it.
4) Contact the OBS. Don't tell WS you are going to talk to the OBS. It's none of their freakin business. You need to coordinate with OBS so you both know what is going on.
5) full on implementation of the 180 (read it in the Healing Library). Until he gets his head out of his ass you don't need to talk to him about anything but finances and kids (if you have kids). Again... HE IS NOT YET REMORSEFUL so there is no reason to talk to him about anything else. If he is still in love with her and talking to her there is no way R can work so stick to the basics. Besides the 180 is not to get your WS back, it's to show yourself you can stand up and be strong without him.
One wise SI poster (OkOkOk) said it this way: You stop asking his whereabouts. You stop talking to him about the affair, past details or current. You stop yelling, fighting, begging, imploring. You're not critical or judgmental. You stop saying I love you, you don't hug or allow yourself to be hugged (just politely say "no thank you"). You don't give gifts, schedule dates, tell him you miss him, tell him he's cute, etc. You don't do any of that. Again -- you're not mean! You are cheerful, outgoing, independent.
No matter what you're feeling inside, *this* is the you that you allow your spouse to see. The cheerful, outgoing, independent, happy you.
6) STD TESTING. Did you get that done yet? If you know it was a PA make sure you are healthy and no sex with him until he proves he is healthy and NC.
7) Expose to close friends and family. His work too if you think it will help and not lose you financial support. You need support in this difficult time. Don't sell your close relationships short. You'd help them if they'd ask so give them the chance. "My WS has fallen in love with someone else. Whether we R or D i hope I can count on you to be there when things get tough for us"
8) tell him to leave. That he can go be with the OW if that is what makes him happy. Kick him out if that is what it takes. You don't want to be with him if he is going to be pining away for someone else