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Finally posting after lurking

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Jduff posted 5/20/2019 10:55 AM

Posted in wrong thread.

[This message edited by Jduff at 11:00 AM, May 20th (Monday)]

Pearlyo posted 5/29/2019 10:44 AM

Some time has passed and I've had my good and bad days. I got word about papers needing to be signed again for the loan modification for our house. I set an appointment with the mortgage company and left a VM for my WS saying this would be a good time to back out of everything and would make the long term goals easier if she wanted D soon. She messaged back the next day saying she will meet me to sign the papers again. Not sure how to take her response. I'm thinking if she does show and sign papers I should lay out some boundaries if R is something we want to pursue. I honestly thought I wouldn't hear from her. I have some doctors appointments I need an escort for and she wants to be the one to take me. What do you all think??

Marz posted 5/29/2019 11:13 AM

I would 180 no contact. This just sounds more like a breadcrumb than anything else.

You need to stop accepting her actions and there's no better time than now.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:15 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

beenthereinco posted 5/29/2019 11:25 AM

You are being held in reserve while she tries out her new life. Do you know who her AP is? I would be suspicious that the OM is married and what is going on is that she is waiting for him to leave his wife. Don't live in this limbo. I would figure out some way to get the Divorce started.

LivingWithPain posted 5/29/2019 13:51 PM

Get a taxi or uber to take you home from the doctor. This is another good way to detach yourself from being dependent on her.

Pearlyo posted 5/29/2019 15:48 PM

I just got back from signing the papers. I do know who the AP is and he isnít married or in a relationship. Heís a bum and I have no concern about anything he could do to me. Iíve spoken with several lawyers and Iím in very good shape at the moment if thatís the direction I decide. Procedure requires me to go under so they wonít do it unless somebody is there to take me home.

I can already tell she wants to come home but I cut the conversation short and said I needed to get some new clothes and she could email me if she needs to tell me anything about the kids. Starting to feel better and more of the hurt is gone. Time is making things better. I feel more in control. I just need to stick to it. Fingers crossed I can keep it up.

LivingWithPain posted 5/30/2019 10:27 AM

Procedure requires me to go under so they wonít do it unless somebody is there to take me home.

Tell them you are separated from your spouse and have no family to attend. All surgical centers have contingent policies. They may have to keep you an extra day before releasing you on your own.

LivingWithPain posted 5/30/2019 10:28 AM

I hope you have not told her about the upcoming surgery.

Pearlyo posted 5/30/2019 15:06 PM

The surgery was scheduled before the A was discovered. Only alternative for me is a medical transport. Itís not at the hospital. Itís an outpatient facility so honestly I have no choice in the matter. Someone has to be there for me and sign me out. I probably wasnít clear on my update, I was more asking opinions on the loan modification situation. I was under the impression trying out her ďnew lifeĒ was part of the whole process of having an A. Oh well, Iím not good with words anyways.

beenthereinco posted 5/30/2019 15:27 PM

What are your options for the loan modification if you don't do it? Are you going to lose the house? I would think regardless of the current situation you need to protect your credit. Is the other option to sell the house and move into something cheaper? Can that be done quickly in our area and with the market for your house?

I think if even with the loan modification it will take the two of you to make the mortgage and there is no way for you to do it on your own maybe the best thing to do at this time is to sell and use this as a chance to start disentangling yourself from her financially.

Pearlyo posted 5/30/2019 18:29 PM

I pay all the bills. Always have from the beginning of our marriage. Selling the home would mean a short sale because of the way the modification is setup. Staying is no change for me. Payments begin in a month and something I could handle on my own. I asked her not to show up if she truly wants out. I cant afford a D in any way since all my money is tied into the house/bills/kids. I already failed at NC because I contacted her and told her to figure out the rest of her belongings. I donít want them hanging here if the A is still happening. Thereís nothing else I can possibly say to her thatís productive in anyway so I need to get it into my thick head that NC is all thatís left.

Pearlyo posted 5/30/2019 18:47 PM

I also want to be clear on something. Thereís a lot of things I left out in my original post but one thing I want to add I did not mention before was my WS had hoarding issues. Which was another source of marital issues. So itís part of my reasons for her to come and clean out some things because I donít want to clean everything for her if that makes sense.

beenthereinco posted 5/31/2019 09:57 AM

Staying is no change for me. Payments begin in a month and something I could handle on my own.

Well if it is no problem for you and you want to stay in the house regardless of what happens then I would say go ahead and go with the loan modification. If you were to end up in a Divorce you're going to have to unwind any equity in the house with her most likely, although sounds like there may not be any. (Depends of course on whether the house was your's before the marriage and host of other things that you really should talk to an Attorney about.)

notanotherchance posted 5/31/2019 11:55 AM

Why don't you speak with your inlaw's who have treated you like a son for the past 20 years & ask them if they would mind helping you out with regards to the doctor appointments as you need to have someone that can support you & they are the first ones that came to mind. I gather they are retired and most likely would be happy to have your back.

I wouldn't normally go that route but why not.

Sending strength my man.

Pearlyo posted 5/31/2019 14:10 PM

I've decided I'm staying in the house regardless for the next few years. 100% easier for everyone involved. In laws did offer to help but they honestly prefer my WS (Their daughter) to take me. They are furious at the situation and made it very clear to her where they stand on everything. To be honest, I'm sure some look at my WS helping me for the doctor as a weakness on my part but I see it as something she absolutely owes me among dozens of other things. I'm not paying for a medical transport when I know she isn't doing anything productive except acting like a fool with all the BS she's been pulling for a while now.

Pearlyo posted 6/2/2019 16:43 PM

Just venting ..... but dang if the continuous ignoring of my daughters by my WS isnít just so gawd dam infuriating. I donít mess around In any way when it concerns them. My oldest is 11 and going through her awkward phase and needs her mother. WTF do I know about feminine products and all the details about that stuff. It kills me seeing my girls just outright depressed because their mother isnít giving a sh@t about them. Ok Iím done

[This message edited by Pearlyo at 4:45 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

Western posted 6/2/2019 17:45 PM

ok good to vent. What are you going to do about it Man !!

You are either a venter or a man of actuon. Tell us which ?

Pearlyo posted 6/2/2019 21:45 PM

Yes and it felt good to vent. I put my big boy pants on and asked the all female pharmacy staff for some womanly advice on products. Hell yeah!! LOL!

[This message edited by Pearlyo at 9:47 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

Pearlyo posted 6/9/2019 15:40 PM

Itís been about a week since my last post. Iíve realized a few things since and one of them is Iím so much better than D-Day but not close to what I was fooling myself to be. I started NC but realized I was being sucked back in whenever I would go a few days of NC. WS would reach out and ask something or make a comment that was outright ridiculous and that triggered me. The times Iíd stay strong, sheíd make some threats that were very drastic and if I kept up NC, she wouldnít follow through. She recently entered the house knowing I wasnít home. Did who knows what and left little notes for the kids. I only found out because they showed me the notes when I was putting them to bed. Baiting me to beg is one thing but that was too far. Legally canít make her give up the keys but I asked for them. she responded to me as if I was her landlord. Not talking like her normal self at all and insisting she didnít need my help to make it out there. WTF?? The last few days opened my eyes to how important NC is for so many reasons. Iíve been so caught up with everything, it never occurred to me that I was constantly breaking NC when she would reach out in some negative way. I donít need to go into much details but I was doing exactly what I shouldnít have been. I donít ever want to feel that disrespected ever again. Valuable lesson learned on my part. Now when I want to react negatively, I just tell myself I would never let a friend treat me like that so my WS should be no different. I guess some learn slower than others.

Marz posted 6/9/2019 16:59 PM

Meh, it takes awhile to get it but the important thing is you learned.

NC is up to you. No one else.

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