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Triggered

ManishsDad posted 5/7/2019 22:22 PM

One of my wife’s former coworkers (‘Mary’) reached out to her. Apparently the fake ass ‘man of God’ had been very subtly flirting with Mary for a while. After ignoring it at first apparently Mary was flattered and started flirting back. It progressed like this until things went too far and one day he fingered Mary and then she sucked his dick. (In the church offices of course.) Mary felt guilty afterward and decided to quit. This happened some months ago but Mary only recently made contact. My wife tried to encourage her to take action but Mary said she won’t. She said she is ashamed and embarrassed that she had inappropriate contact with a church leader and a married man so she just wants to put it behind her.

So once again the bad guy gets away with it. This asshole forced himself on my wife and nothing happened to him. He apparently fucks around all over town while pretending to be Christian husband and father of the year. He’s a fucking hypocrite. Now because he can’t keep his dick in his pants yet another woman has left the ministry while this ‘pastor’ continues to live a double life.

Shit like this makes me wonder if my kids would be better off not being raised in the church. I wasn’t but I still had morals. Meanwhile assholes like this guy and like my wife’s ‘play brother’ grew up in church and think nothing about trying to fuck someone else’s wife. And they get away with it.

Mene posted 5/7/2019 22:47 PM

It’s infuriating. Eventually he will be exposed. But no one forced this woman or your wife to be inappropriate. They are to blame, too.

The1stWife posted 5/8/2019 05:06 AM

This “man of the church” is a predator looking for any available woman who will have sex with him.

And he finds them.

And then the women have regrets. Rightfully so.

But the women were not doing anything they did not choose to do.

His actions are awful.

But until someone is willing to admit their mistakes and out him - he will continue to get away with it. In fact he counts on the women being shamed and embarrassed so they will not disclose the affair.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:06 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

whodidimarry posted 5/8/2019 05:22 AM

I'm sorry that you were triggered. Unfortunately things like this happen all the time and yes, they get away with it.

I think that the teachings of the church are good. It's not bad to learn morality. Your children's biggest influence however, will still be you and your wife. And as long as you are there to provide a good example and good guidance, I'm sure they will turn out alright.

As a side note, I was just thinking about your wife today. I never responded on any of her posts as I try not to post on the wayward forum, but I followed her story with interest and was truly happy for her when you decided to try to reconcile. My best to your little family.

ManishsDad posted 5/8/2019 18:49 PM

Mene-my wife wasn’t inappropriate with him. He forced himself on her and she resisted.

The 1st Wife-I think you are right. He preys on women who are naive probably so whether or not they return his advances he doesn’t have to worry about them disclosing anything.

whodidimarry-I struggle with the many double standards I see and worry how they will affect my children. I need to be sure my wife and I are good role models for them to combat what they see in others. Thank you for your positive words about my wife and my family. She is trying hard to be a loving and trustworthy wife and mother and I try to show her on a regular basis how much I appreciate her.

I am less angry now but I am still bothered about him. It seems some people continue to do as they wish without consequences leaving others hurt in the process. He is betraying his wife, his children and his entire congregation and doesn’t seem to care.

Marz posted 5/8/2019 19:26 PM

He's not the problem but that church itself is. Just a social club sounds like.

That's why I don't necessarily correlate church and God

Dyokemm posted 5/8/2019 19:37 PM

I can only imagine the anger you must be feeling OP.

I am not familiar with your story.....I am sure you must have addressed this before, but I find myself a bit shocked.

If OM forced himself on your W, did you two try to have rape charges filed against him?

Jorge posted 5/8/2019 20:22 PM

The WALL (benefit of the doubt and lofty moral status) that shields religious leaders perfectly suits the ones with sinister intentions.

Hence, the devastation in their wake is long and in some cases generationally long. I understand your wife's friends position. Essentially she'd indict herself in turning him in, since the sex was consensual.

hadji posted 5/8/2019 20:34 PM

Mene-my wife wasn’t inappropriate with him. He forced himself on her and she resisted.

I haven't followed your story completely, but in your previous posts, I remember reading that your wife claimed that she actually was involved during the sex and was only mildly sedated.

In any case, if what you claim now is true, isn't this rape? How is this man allowed to be on prowl?

cancuncrushed posted 5/8/2019 20:38 PM

Maybe you should hire a PI....get this on video...then expose him....take up a collection. Im sure there are other husbands...

I would blow that up.....apparently, its a constant thing...set up a nanny cam...cameras are cheap...you can at least show them to the people who matter in the church...if you don't go legal...

He needs to be stopped...what if its a 14 girl next....

It is disgusting how he uses women..Its disgusting hes hiding in church....its scary how out of control its getting....don't you wonder where his boundaries are? He is out of control.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:40 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

hadji posted 5/8/2019 21:39 PM

what if its a 14 girl next

Not saying, that's not bad but the age does not make it any worse. This is a rapist on prowl. Personally, I don't find a rapist any less deplorable if he does not assault minors.

ManishsDad posted 5/8/2019 22:19 PM

It was not a rape but an attempted rape. She managed to fight him off and get away. We did not go to the authorities because at the time my wife decided it would be better to handle it ‘internally’ and agreed to participate in a ‘biblical arbitration’ process. The church elders and her ‘best friend’ were in favor of this option. I disagreed but ultimately allowed her to try this route against my better judgment.

My wife was sexually abused in her youth by a trusted caregiver. She never really dealt with it. The therapist she was seeing while we were separated suggested that when the pastor attempted to rape her it took her back to that unhealed trauma. Since she was already in a fragile psychological state from her father’s death she began unraveling. It was during this period of life that the affair with her ‘best friend’ happened. After the attempted rape.

hadji posted 5/8/2019 22:27 PM

I am sorry. I got the stories mixed up. It makes sense now.

66charger posted 5/9/2019 00:28 AM

So What will you do when this happens again?. Post another thread?

What is the matter with you. This man attempted to rape your wife and you let it go to "pastoral arbitration" or whatever that nonsense was?

You do not need you wife's permission to file charges. If someone attempted to rape my wife, nothing she could say would stop me from visiting the precinct. Or pulling my guns. Why, because rapist do not stop raping until they are jailed. Why do you think so many additional rapes come to light when the first one hits the news.

If this went down the way she said, it is your responsibility as a MAN and husband to insure this never happens again. I will bet you it already has. File the report.

Strength and Honor brother..starting today.

[This message edited by 66charger at 8:22 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

GoldenR posted 5/9/2019 04:24 AM

Guys -

The a-hole that OP is talking about isn't his wife's old AP.

ManishsDad posted 5/9/2019 09:51 AM

My actions (or lack thereof) after my wife was attacked are among the biggest regrets of my life. My natural inclination as a man and as a husband and father are to seek justice. More accurately, to enact justice (by physically fucking him up). My wife preferred a kumbaya nonconfrontational give peace a chance Christian solution. She was adamant about this and completely opposed the way I wanted to handle things. I should have pursued my own way, but I cannot change the past. There are so a lot of factors about this situation and who the church leader is that make this very complicated.

HellFire posted 5/9/2019 10:13 AM

I work with rape victims. In order to file charges, the victim has to cooperate. His wife didnt want to do that. Because, as he mentioned, it caused the trauma she went through as a child to resurface.

Being raped..or an attempted rape, is obviously a huge violation. Had her husband decided her feelings and needs didnt matter, and had gone to the police with this, it would be a betrayal. Another violation. It would have caused his wife enormous damage. The one person she confided in,and trusted, would have betrayed her. We all know what that's like, right?

It is common for men to disregard the woman's feelings and needs after rape, when it comes to reporting it. Logically,you are correct.
However, very few even try to understand why a woman wouldn't want to report it. I will attempt to give you a few examples why.

They feel shame and embarrassment. They feel maybe it was their fault.

They dont want anyone to know because they are scared their family and friends will see them differently.

They dont want people deciding if she is telling the truth. Typically, rape is a he said/she said crime.

They're scared of having to go to court, and facing their rapist.

They want to rugsweep, pretend it didnt happen.

They dont want to go though the violation of a rape kit. Yes, it's done at a hospital, and by professionals. But, it's another person inserting things into their body after someone violated them and it feels like another violation.

Do you have any idea the THOUSANDS of rape kids sitting in evidence rooms all across America? So the woman goes through all of that, just to have it sit on the shelf.

She doesnt want to have to go through the entire thing, in front of police officers,who are usually men. Sure,a woman cop is present, but so are men. And,like it or not,fair or not, but right after a woman is raped, men are scary. They're a trigger.

There are many reasons women dont report their rape. While,yes,it means he can go on a rape again, the victim who has been raped by this man matters as well.

OP, you did the right thing by respecting your wife's decision. Dont let anyone tell you differently. Had you betrayed her, and reported it anyway, you would have retraumatized her.


Also..please tell your wife I said hello, and I hope she is doing well.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:16 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

HellFire posted 5/9/2019 10:17 AM

Also, this was an attempted rape. So no evidence. None. His word against hers. Nothing would have happened to this man if they had reported it. Unless a security camera happened to catch it.

Hg65 posted 5/9/2019 10:28 AM

I am not a religious person at all but recognize the importance of it in people’s lives.

Understandably you are torn. But this is a predator.... full stop. He does not reflect your church.

You can still follow your religious path and feel good about it. You’ll raise your kids to be good people. Try to separate the two so you can still follow your god.

Assholes all over get away with it every day. I really wish someone would make a stand but, out of fear, they just can’t.

Sorry for your trigger.

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