SurvivingInfidelity.com® > New Beginnings

AbandonedGuy posted 4/18/2019 21:48 PM

For anyone who eventually went through with the D and finally started to develop feelings for another person, how did that hit you? What were some of your struggles? How did you know whether the feelings were "real" vs. coping with the inevitable loneliness? How long did it take you to find your footing in this brave new dating world? What were some of the things you learned as you stumbled through the fresh new love?

firenze posted 4/18/2019 22:35 PM

It took about a year before I started to feel normal and healthy enough to date, and I got back into it by making my first foray into the world of dating apps. I started with Tinder and found out pretty quickly that it was mainly for people looking for hookups. So I tried that. Having sex for the first time in about two years, and having it for the first time with someone who wasn't my exWW, was weird. I was nervous and fumbly and had a hard time getting junior to cooperate. It was all the awkwardness of my wedding night with none of the excitement about finally getting to have sex with the one I loved.

Because I was stubborn, or because I was a masochist, I stayed on Tinder for a while. I wasn't having a hard time getting matches and I figured I might as well see if what I didn't do when I was in high school and college was worth all the fuss. Long story short, I had some fun and learned some new tricks but all in all I didn't think casual sex was all it's cracked up to be.

The closest thing to a serious relationship I've had since divorcing was with a woman who was also divorced and like me, it was due to infidelity. Having someone in my life who understood that pain so well was really nice, but one of the issues we had was that we caught ourselves talking about our exes and their cheating way too much. Somehow we'd come back to it time after time and it felt like it was getting in the way of us getting to know one another and have the fresh start we were both looking for. We ended up making a rule that there was no ex/infidelity talk on dates.

Trust issues were also a thing, but because we both had them for the same reason, we understood and were able to be a lot more patient with one another.

Ultimately things didn't work out. Her divorce was more recent than mine and her exWH had put her through a double betrayal, and she just wasn't ready to make a serious commitment yet. I think she still needed time to mourn and move on.

Adaira posted 4/18/2019 23:06 PM

So my story is somewhat funny. I jumped into dating shortly after my divorce was finalized, via the apps. I was not looking for anything serious at that point. Figured I’d go on some casual dates, just dip my toe in, wasn’t looking for anything more than some fun nights out. Third date I go on, I’m clicking with this guy. By the end of the date, I’m freaking out because I’m not emotionally prepared for this. He says he wants to see me again and I basically bolt from the restaurant. I did text him later and explained that it was all way too much too soon, apologized, thanked him for being understanding, etc. I’m like “well, that was embarrassing but I’ll never see him again.”

He texted me out of the blue, three months later, and asked if I wanted to give it another shot. After recovering from the shock, lol, I agreed. We had another great date - except this time I was emotionally prepared - and we’ve been exclusively dating for a few months now. He is SO kind and caring and emotionally available - and we have a funny “how we got together” story to tell people now.

So I guess my advice is to just be patient with yourself, know that you will have some awkward moments, but there will be fabulous ones too. And there are weirdos out there, but there are also really good people looking for connection.

Striver posted 4/19/2019 00:20 AM

About 9 months after my separation began I started going to Meetup groups. It was an in home separation and I needed to get out of the house. During this time I met about 50 eligible women. Made out with a couple.

A couple months after divorce I met my GF. Met her in real life, which was nice. She seems both responsible and laid back, which I am cool with.

I confess that I was cool enough that she cooled things down herself after a couple of years, and we nearly broke up. We talked things over, and decided we wanted to continue and take things to another level.

As far as feelings go, I am more of an actions person. You are what you do. Love is an action. After my marriage, every woman I meet has had some other man in her life, knows other guys. Words mean nothing to me. Stick around, and my feelings will grow. Want to do something else, I can't really stop that.

cocoplus5nuts posted 4/19/2019 00:36 AM

I don't have any words of wisdom. I just wanted to say that I think it's awesome that you are out there again, or at least thinking about it. You deserve to be happy, and if that means having a romantic partner in your life, that's beautiful.

Buster123 posted 4/19/2019 03:37 AM

I suggest you post these questions in the NB forum, there's plenty of people there who went through the same thing.

Butforthegrace posted 4/19/2019 07:32 AM

I got into a rebound relationship within two weeks of being dumped by my ex. It was an extremely unhealthy relationship and I learned that the woman was just as messed up as I was (in her case from a lifetime of awful FOO stuff). I was lured into it because she was beautiful and smart and highly sexual.

In hindsight, that rebound relationship slowed my personal healing. I would way that for me it was a couple of years before I felt comfortable with dating, but my timeline was at least a year longer than necessary because of that dysfunctional rebound relationship.

I would say, as a bit of advice, that you ought to keep it casual with the first few people you date. Do not start dating with the idea that you're going to find love. Focus on the good time of the date, by itself, and be happy for those fun moments without the baggage of any additional expectations.

max2018 posted 4/19/2019 07:45 AM

I didn't force it , didn't get out to prove anything, didn't care about it

Some people will jump into the dating world too fast too soon to show there EXWSs that they moved on which leads them to get hurt

I let life go on its way and bam came a woman that was crazy enough to take me

AbandonedGuy posted 4/19/2019 10:46 AM

The feelings have been building for months. Just kinda happened. There are many barricades though (no she's not married, before anyone assumes I've gone turncoat), mainly long distance, which isn't something I've ever done nor think is generally successful. I'm thinking I should go with my gut and continue pushing this out of my head. Nice to know I feel ready to love again though.

BeingheldbyJesus posted 4/19/2019 12:10 PM

It gives me hope that people are finding people but then from what I read, I feel that everyone out there expects sex with a date. I'm not into casual sex. Are there any old-fashioned guys still out there? This is the part I fear about divorcing and why I feel like I will always be alone. I will probably have a lot of first dates that lead to no where.

My WH has shown he doesn't care about the sanctity of M so he will have no problem finding someone to "hook up with". I know he will never find anyone as good as me because I'm about as loyal as they come. Surely there are faithful guys out there who believe in the sanctity of M and don't mind waiting....?????

SI Staff posted 4/19/2019 14:53 PM

firenze posted 4/19/2019 23:08 PM

Surely there are faithful guys out there who believe in the sanctity of M and don't mind waiting....?????

Until marriage? No way in hell. Did that once, not interested in doing it again. I want to know what I'm in for when it comes to sex with whoever I'm with long before I consider marrying them.

[This message edited by firenze at 11:09 PM, April 19th (Friday)]