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inlaw apology advice

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30yearheartbreak posted 4/18/2019 14:25 PM

After being with my WH my mil is taking his side and completely ignoring me. WH is living with her cheating on me and she is treating me like I am the one cheating. We always had a good relationship but the last year with him cheating she just expected me to look the other way for the sake of my family and I just could never do that so she blamed me for my reaction to her son cheating on me. In my opinion, I would accept your mil apology and simply say I accept your apology and you are forgiven....period.... holding grudges holding anger and hostility just hurts u

fadedrainbow posted 4/18/2019 14:46 PM

You will probably never know what motivated her to send the apology.
I think she was brave to send the card. If it was me, I would respond with,' I received your card thank you. I am well and enjoying life.
With best wishes, H'

It doesn't matter if you wish her the best or not, it is polite to respond, it doesn't cost you anything. Short and to the point.
Then forget about it!

prissy4lyfe posted 4/18/2019 15:10 PM

If she is true in her intentions and her expressions...

She isn't expecting a response from you. Or an acknowledge. She is admitting she was wrong. And that she understands the damage done.

If she is looking for a response...she was validation. And that flies in the face of forgiveness

Cooley2here posted 4/18/2019 15:16 PM

Until you mentioned cancer I might have said you could send some response but that changes everything. Two people that put you through hell when you were going through hell do you not need anything from you

swmnbc posted 4/18/2019 15:20 PM

I would probably reply personally but I think it's totally up to you. If her apology was sincere then her intent was to make *you* feel better, not herself. So if she's truly remorseful she'd understand your silence, and if she's not, then you protect yourself by not engaging.

But if you feel you wouldn't be bothered by responding, then I'd probably say something like, "I appreciate that you have come to regret your actions and that you took the time to apologize. That was a very difficult time, but I have moved on and am doing well." Short and sweet . . . she doesn't have a right to your inner thoughts at this point. Don't solicit further discussion but acknowledge her act of good will, if you feel it was one.

HalfTime2017 posted 4/18/2019 15:47 PM

naw, no response needed. Marz is right, this was for Her, to get it off her chest.

it can go right in the trash, along with her son.

doggiediva posted 4/18/2019 16:43 PM

If it were me, it would depend on the relationship prior to divorce..
How betrayed do you feel at her hands?
How much did you miss EACH OTHER thru all the divorce proceedings and aftermath?
I think itís a very personal decision, up to you whether or not you want her back in your life....

Booyah posted 4/18/2019 21:00 PM

Here's my thoughts.

Ok so she took her son's side in the D. So be it. That said, you said she's an RN, and they were dragging you to court during the D and you had cancer? WOW just WOW!!!

So now she's sent you a card and there's NO mention at all about her hoping you're doing good health wise specifically from the cancer (and she never inquired before)? Nothing mentioned about her never reaching out to see how you were doing during your illness.

This card wasn't written out of humbleness and realizing they were wrong and to make you (the wronged party) feel better. Nope it was to ease HER guilt. If she truly gave a damn about you she would have said something about your cancer.

I am ALL about forgiveness and forgiving but I'd just let this go and not reply back (but that's just me). Give it some time and do what your heart tells you to do.

[This message edited by Booyah at 9:07 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]

hopeandnohope posted 4/19/2019 08:53 AM

Thanks so much for all the input. It has helped. I'm taking the advice to wait. Yesterday was lots of mentally re-living the events where mother-in-law lashed out verbally or just exuded hate towards me the last holidays before I finally filed for divorce. Actually hadn't thought I cared anymore. I did take they high road--or maybe I was too broken at that time to stick up for myself or call her out on her shocking behavior. It's in the past and I'd like it to stay there!

EXWH came around early in the week. I am looking petty good now, financially great and maintaining my health (best revenge is a good life!) EXWH and I chit chatted nicely for a few minutes and I had to get back to work. Makes me wonder if he expressed any regret to his mom...maybe admitted he had lied about things. The card came a few days after EXWH stopped by to get his equipment.

Anyway, I'm not responding this week. I appreciate all the support on this site. Thanks so much!

cptprkchp posted 4/19/2019 09:31 AM

I just saw the red flag!

Itís possible he wants to get back together with you and has enlisted the help of his mother to get a foot in the door. Proceed with caution- I would suggest you stay the path youíre on and wait to respond. Like a month. Smells like a fishing expedition to me.

Best of everything to you!

Darkness Falls posted 4/19/2019 10:09 AM

I disagree with those who say the card was for HER. In my opinion, nobody offers that kind of sincere apology and takes responsibility unless they truly believe they were in the wrong and an apology is owed.

That being said, certainly youíre under no obligation to respond. You can accept an apology (or not) without saying so.

Cooley2here posted 4/19/2019 10:47 AM

I donít normally feel the need to disagree with others but this time........I have had too many family members go through the hell of chemo and radiation to forgive anyone who piled shit on top of that. No, just no. You donít owe either of them anything. Ever!

Hmmmm. Looks like you are becoming way too interesting to them. Money. It usually comes down to that. Keep a tight hold on your finances and let those two screw up somebody elseís life.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 10:51 AM, April 19th (Friday)]

faithfulman posted 4/19/2019 18:20 PM

You are not required to reply.

She is just trying to reconnect you with her son "He feels terrible and wants to make it right" to see if she can rekindle your relationship.

Let her be. Evil behavior like that doesn't just get better.

Booyah posted 4/20/2019 12:09 PM

I think Prissy's observation is correct.

Marz posted 4/20/2019 12:21 PM

I think there are times/things in life that are so shitty you just do a firm cut off.

Her actions especially under the circumstances were downright evil. Yeah it was her son but she went above and beyond any human decency.

Now 4 years later she's figured it out?

hopeandnohope posted 4/20/2019 13:25 PM

I so appreciate your responses. Thank you all.

I forgot to mention that ex mother-in-law left her second (or was it third) husband for another married man when her kids were young. Guess they both ran off together for a couple of weeks to be together but it must not of lasted. Not sure where she left her two kids during that time.

She said one of her marriages ended because of a controlling intrusive mother-in-law. Maybe she is reflecting on the comparison with her.

Doggiediva, from the moment she turned hateful towards me, I have not missed her. I do not want to visit or have a relationship with her again but I do not hate her or feel harbor bad feelings.

Booyah, no she never reached out during my 'illness' . Lawyer meetings and court dates were scheduled around chemo, doctor appointments and radiation. The odd thing is, there was so much focus and pain on the affair, divorce and mother-in-law lawsuit that the cancer ordeal was overshadowed. The devastation of the divorce package was far worse than the cancer stuff. As hard as it was, maybe it was good to not concentrate on my health at that time. Looking back, not sure how I got through it all but I'm much stronger woman now. We all get through the crap somehow as every BS on this site has also has had to get through.

ChamomileTea good to hear about your friend! I am taking chemo pills ($675 a mont but thank the Good Lord for insurance!) and expect to stay healthy. Cancer advances have been amazing!

30year heartbreak sorry yo are being treated like that. I don't think I am holding grudges or hostility--I wasn't thinking about her at all until I got her card

[This message edited by hopeandnohope at 9:03 PM, April 20th (Saturday)]

StillLivin posted 4/20/2019 16:57 PM

Cancer! AYFKM! Nope nope nope.
Continue NC.

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