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A month since Dday (the details) and advice requested

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nekonamida posted 4/18/2019 15:55 PM

SMF, you would think being outed as a cheater, threatened with D, threatened with losing your job, and destroying your marriage would be enough to ensure that they never cheat again but the sad truth is that many do continue cheating. They take it further underground. Of course you should keep pushing to have that temptation removed from her and for your own piece of mind even if it's unlikely that they continue or restart the A. It's for you just as much as it is for her so don't feel bad about sticking to your boundaries.

Robert22205https posted 4/18/2019 16:49 PM

Last night the OBS provided you with very useful information regarding her husband's intention to dump your wife. I believe him because he's got 4 kids to support and I doubt he can afford child support and alimony.

Exposing the affair forced him to confront his economic reality and choose between his family vs a woman he's known for a few months.

If your wife intended to exit the marriage, then she must be very disappointed to learn that her fantasy relationship and a new life with someone else is over.

Therefore, you may be her plan B for the short or long term (only time will tell). Give yourself plenty of time to heal before deciding on R.


[This message edited by Robert22205https at 5:28 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 4/19/2019 08:24 AM

Thanks for the updates saving.

You've got a couple possible scenarios in play now but that shouldn't affect your decision to divorce. As I encouraged you before, don't waiver on the divorce regardless of what your WW says or does. She may continue down her mental road where her marriage is over. If so, that achieves your freedom faster and easier than any other path. She may alternatively start love-bombing you if her beau is no longer an option for her. This will be difficult for you to withstand but again, the best path forward for you is to finalized the divorce.

A finalized divorce gives you the power to decide your future. You always have the option to stay together but in order for you not to end up with regrets, you need the freedom to move on. You can cohabitate; there's no shame in that. But give yourself the gift of the divorce in order to allow yourself to physically choose. Then, as I noted before, if you re-marry, have an iron-clad pre-nuptial agreement in place beforehand.

You're doing great. Keep up your resolve and continue down the road to taking your life back. You are the prize; don't forget it. Make choices that are solely in your best interest.

Arthur posted 4/19/2019 09:52 AM

Good Afternoon SMF,

While you have shared in great detail many of your thoughts of your wife's adultery, I wonder how much of a life you built with your wife. Given the extent of your work life, I suspect each of you have built separate lives to a great degree. Your recent post about your plans to take you Europe for ten days after her college graduation and recent trip alone with your 10 year old I wonder if these trips originally included her?

If they did not I think your wife is a walk away wife who used the adultery as an escape attempt to force you to divorce. That your long trips over time became a deal breaker. In short she already is gone: period game over. Follow your game plan, follow the advice about the 180 and your plans for divorce.

Be well

Arthur.

savingmyfamily posted 4/19/2019 11:46 AM

Arthur: Very good points and definitely something to be resolved if there is ever a future with us.

I started traveling at this level during the housing market crash (wife is in mortgage business). We needed more income and taking this travel job was something to help provide that. We discussed the pros and cons and decided it was best to take. The thinking was "less time at home is better than fighting over money".

Fast forward to the present and Ive been debating leaving my job for a few years now because the travel burden really weighs on me, but for various reasons we have always decided I should stick with it a while a longer. Obviously 50% travel takes a toll on a marriage but I didnt think it was this much of a toll. Again, I had no idea my wife was miserable enough to stray.

As for taking her on trips with me, we typically vacation 2-3 times a year and she has gone with me on work trips before when able to. With her starting this new job in Jan though, she did not have enough leave saved up yet to take spring break off or go on a 2 week trip to Europe and still have leave for a vacation later this year. It was her suggestion (well before the affair) that just my oldest daughter and I go on this trip because not only would she not have the leave when she started a new job, but we wouldnt have anyone to watch my youngest daughter and she would still have school she couldnt miss. Additionally, because of my oldest daughter being away at college, she has missed family vacations the last 4 years and I really wanted this graduation trip to be all about her.

Marz posted 4/19/2019 12:06 PM

Obviously 50% travel takes a toll on a marriage but I didnt think it was this much of a toll. Again, I had no idea my wife was miserable enough to stray.

Her affair probably had nothing to do with your travel.

You both made that decision for what at the time what was best for your family.

In today's world many have your travel issue but work around that.

In any event there's nothing you can do about the past.

Take care

annb posted 4/19/2019 14:54 PM

I agree your travel had nothing to do with her affair.

My WH traveled 50% of the time, it was lonely and challenging raising three kids, but I didn't cheat, he did.

Your wife could have filled the void she might have been feeling with hobbies, friends, volunteering, etc. Instead she chose to cheat. That's not on you, she owns it.

Arthur posted 4/19/2019 15:41 PM

Thank you for your response SMD

Annb is absolutely right in her assessment. The fault and responsibility for the adultery resides solely on your wife.

Your answer clarified the question if your wife was a walk away wife. Their is no possibility of reconciliation with a walk away.

Instead the travel resulted in a serious challenge to both of you. One you passed, but she failed. Divorce before adultery, allows both parties to access themselves and
what their lives will be,!without adding the ten ton emotional damage ontop of a marriage in crisis. I urge you to continue to read other threads in JFO, Reconcilation, and the healing library. There is a current thread "11 years out" that might fit you despite your current thoughts.

Finally how are your daughters reacting to her adultery. Guard the ten year old. You do not want her to grow up with daddy issues.

Be well

Arthur

I am not going to repeat the advice already given. Understand they are the voices of hard errand wisdom. Follow the 180 until your wife realizes and accepts this is her problem to fix, not yours.

savingmyfamily posted 4/22/2019 11:21 AM

New week and new update. With my trip coming up in 6 days, I've decided to start soft 180 today and move to hard 180 once I fly out. This will be a total of about a month of 180 by the time I return and give me a better idea of where my WW's mind is at when I get back. It's difficult, almost impossible even, to hard 180 while living together with a kid in a 1BR apartment. So Im starting by telling the PI to stop watching her, no longer texting or calling her during the day, no longer sitting next to her in the evenings or laying next to her at night. No more kisses goodbye in the morning or when she gets home and no more plans for the weekend.

Its not ideal, but its a start. As tough as it is, everyday the reality that Im headed to D gets easier and easier to live with. Its been especially hard because we just moved to this state and I know nobody. Taking the last 2 months off of work has left me at home with nothing and no one to help keep my mind focused. The good news though is that my best friend and his wife are moving here and arrive on Wed, and when I get back in May I'll be joining the local church and signing up for volunteer work. Plus, a week after I get back my youngest daughter will be out of school for the summer and I'll be able to really focus on time with her.

So yeah, now I just have to buck up and stay strong enough to get through this week without breaking NC and doing it while keeping my attitude and demeanor positive! I tell you though, that damn woman is evil! Every time I think I'm starting to detach, she will come crawl into the other bed and slide her warm ass up against me. The amount of willpower Ive had to have the last week or so has been off the charts.

[This message edited by savingmyfamily at 12:24 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]

Marz posted 4/22/2019 12:18 PM

How's the wife acting now that the affair was exposed to OM's wife?

Marz posted 4/22/2019 12:20 PM

The 180 will bring clarity. Upfront you're mainly in shock and can't think straight.

Good luck on your trip and have fun with your daughter

Arthur posted 4/22/2019 21:43 PM

Good evening SMF,

You seem to decieded to quietly divorce, period. A pitfall you might encounter. "We can still be friends, for our daughters sake."
Actually no, we cannot. We can be allies but not friends. There is a difference. In particular building separate lives, friends and relationships.

Second: use IC to build a better you, for your next SO. Why have you never felt happily married?

Third: your daughters, beware of their emotional health.

Finally all the suggested readings suggested to help repair and heal a marriage: if people read and used the knowledge they impart, they would not be in the crisis they are in. Again think ahead for a possible SO.

Be well

Arthur

Bigger posted 4/23/2019 10:01 AM

There are a couple of comments that I worry about:
ďmy divorce timer is ticking down and its still the way forward unless there are drastic changes in my wife and her situationĒ and ďThe only person who can save our marriage from this point on is my wifeĒ

No Ė Your wife does not have the power to decide if your marriage can be saved or not. That power is totally 100% in your hands. I think you are basing your decisions on the right criteria and IMHO you are on the correct path but be clear that itís YOUR decision based on HER actions and YOUR wishes. Not her decision.

Itís a subtle issue, but it gives YOU control. Iím guessing that in the present situation your WW would be OK with remaining married without committing to you. To me that would be a terrible solution.

Then your comments about evaluating the situation once you are back (and way past the 30-day waiting period) and your comments about the PIÖ

Anoldtimer offered some solid, Stoic advice a couple of pages ago. About not threatening something you arenít willing to carry through. You donít threaten divorce, you do divorce. Itís not an easy decision and thatís why people really need to think it through. ButÖ based on what you share then itís the only viable option you have.

Are you divorcing or not?
If you are then donít bother investigating her, monitoring her or intervening with her interaction with OM. Technically you fired her as your wife once you filed for D. Itís only the severance period now, and just like you wouldnít do a job-evaluation analysis on someone going out you donít place marital expectations on the woman you are divorcing.

Donít expect or plan on anything to change. Donít divorce her with the hope of her coming back and you two maybe remarrying. Divorce her because thatís what you need to do and then move on with your life.

Divorce is not an alternative form of marriage. You probably know people that have divorced. Rarely do they hang around their exes. You two will have history and a future as co-parents, but other than that your best bet is detachment and moving on with your life.

Dismayed2012 posted 4/23/2019 10:09 AM

"...and slide her warm ass up against me."

Never forget; that's the same ass that she was pumping and grinding against the other man. My ex tried that crap with me and I just about puked. When she woke me up I couldn't push her out of the bed fast enough. "Hell no! Get that nasty shit away from me!" I even pulled the sheets off of the bed and threw them in the washer. Nothing makes an impact on a cheater's mind like their soon-to-be ex husband's involuntary convulsions of disgust when around them.

Bigger posted 4/23/2019 10:14 AM

If sleeping in the same bed causes you issue, then simply sleep elsewhere.
If you are divorcing, then that is an inevitable change and sends your wife a very clear picture of the inevitability and non-sustainability of the present situation.
I wouldnít bother trying to win childish power-struggles over who moves out of what or who sleeps in the marital bed. You are headed for divorce, change is inevitable.

TimSC posted 4/23/2019 11:17 AM

Her Plan A (OG) may be moving away from her. So she is playing nice with her Plan B (you). It's all an act. She probably is starting to realize what her financial future will look like without access to your money.

I hope you stipulated zero alimony in the final papers.

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