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Would you date someone who has cheated?

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Hobbyist posted 4/15/2019 13:42 PM

Probably a common poll question. Would you date someone who ever cheated in their past? Or next them, even if they say they "did the work"?

I'm learning that "did the work" means different things for everyone. And my version of "did the work" is a little more stringent than theirs.

desertwells posted 4/15/2019 13:56 PM

Definitely not though I do not think all cheaters are created equally.

I think that there are those who make a big mistake- no excuse, but I'm referring to the 'one time in Vegas when I couldn't feel my face' type. They wake up the next morning barely remembering and with great remorse and shame. Still very wrong but not premeditated.

Then there are those who lead a double-life during their affair. They give their wives/husbands anniversary cards, talk about where they want to retire, and smile for family photos, all the while keeping burner phones, secret bank accounts and having sex with OW/OM in sacred, marital places. That, to me, takes some deep dark level of 'sicko'.

So, no thank you- I'll pass! Knowing about either type of infidelity would be a deal breaker for me.

lieshurt posted 4/15/2019 14:02 PM

I would not have an issue dating a former wayward who has done the work and addressed their issues to get to a point of being emotionally healthy.

LilBlackCat posted 4/15/2019 14:34 PM

I think if someone told me up front, that they messed up and are adult enough to admit to it while showing regret and how they realize the mistake they made and those they hurt.

I might proceed with extreme caution, also the timing.. like someone who wrecked a family in their 20's, who is now in the late 30's or in their 40's.. is not the same person.

but if it was like last year.. Next.

I think it takes just as long to work through your issues as a BS takes to recover.. So at least 2-3 years back

WanttToBeHappy posted 4/15/2019 14:46 PM

If I decide to divorce and started to date, I would not continue a relationship with anyone who stated they cheated on their family. that is just me and to be honest it seems like everyone is cheating on everyone these days, so I may never have a date again.

Phoenix1 posted 4/15/2019 15:41 PM

Everyone has their own take on this, but for me, personally, no. I just can't knowingly "go there" because I would forever be suspicious. I don't want to be the relationship police, even if self-imposed with no known basis. I know "me," and that's how it would be. That would not be fair to someone else that does not deserve that kind of unfounded suspicion.

OptionedOut posted 4/15/2019 15:49 PM

WH was the AP twice before he even met me. Then he had an LTA.

So no. I wouldn't. I know some people can change, but to me, it's a crapshoot if they really did or not.

HappyTree posted 4/16/2019 12:42 PM

I can't even be friends with people who have cheated. So, no, I will not date anyone who has cheated.

truthsetmefree posted 4/16/2019 14:20 PM

I probably wouldnít. At the end of the day, whatever relationship issue you are having always seems to be the worst (so I do wonder about the one I havenít yet experienced) - but Iíve been through hell and back with pretty much every reason why I can think that might provoke someone to cheat and I didnít. I canít think why I would accept less than that in a partner.

josiep posted 4/16/2019 14:49 PM

ONLY if they had made amends.

And by amends, I mean did everything within their power and pocketbook to make it up to the spouse and family they betrayed.

Anything less? No way. Hell, no.

Hobbyist posted 4/16/2019 15:48 PM

I'm finding it's very difficult to maintain this standard, I'd like to, but I let the relationship go too far by believing they did the work and ignoring red flags, and now more red flags pop up and I can't ignore them. It's a very hard, heartbreaking lesson to learn.

phmh posted 4/16/2019 20:12 PM

Absolutely not. I've done so much reading about this topic, and closely related ones. People can't really change their character. (They CAN learn to alter behaviors, but their character and first instincts are pretty much fixed.) I am determined to give myself the best chance of success at a happy and healthy relationship. Besides, cheating isn't the only bad thing a partner can do, and as personality is pretty fixed, someone who has the capacity to cheat also likely has other personality traits and behaviors that make them a bad partner, even if they never cheat again.

honesttoafault posted 4/16/2019 20:50 PM

I personally would not. I've been so scarred by everything that has happened to me that I would have very serious trust issues.

Zamboni posted 4/16/2019 21:07 PM

If they were completely honest and forthcoming about it, maybe.

It would depend on a lot of things like how long was the A, how long ago, etc.

I probably would never feel completely safe with them unfortunately.

Justsomeguy posted 4/17/2019 08:44 AM

I married my STBXWW who confessed to cheating on her previous boyfriend multiple times. She promised that she would never fo that again after seeing how much it hurt him. Well, you can guess what she did, so no. It's all about possibility and probability. Anyone might be capable of cheating, but cheaters have already crossed that line and probably will again. Not my job to be the relationship police.

Hobbyist posted 4/17/2019 09:00 AM

The biggest red flag I saw was she is oblivious to when people are flirting with her. So, feelings develop and she's kind if sidelined by them. She's not flirting back, but she remains in the conversation wayyy too long. The only saving grace was she was honest about her interactions. It was always, "so and so was sooooo nice to me today", and I'm like, uh yeah, he's flirting with you.

That doesn't seem like someone with good boundaries, and given her past, well, time to move on. But first, back to therapy for me.

[This message edited by Hobbyist at 9:37 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

stark1984 posted 4/17/2019 13:25 PM

Absolutely not.

Prior to us getting married in 2013, my 2nd XW admitted to having cheated on her bf back in high school years ago. She claimed she was sorry to him for doing so and doesn't really know why she did it. Ever since she admitted to it, I lived in fear that she would do the same to me. Really caused my anxiety to flare up for the three years we were together.

Fast-forward to late 2015 and she's hooking up while away at military school for 6 weeks. I suspected something was off they night she got home. I confirmed her A within 6 weeks of her getting home.

Never again will I date someone else who was a cheater. Learned my lesson the hard way.

Cheatee posted 4/17/2019 15:15 PM

I used to think if they were sufficiently contrite, I might consider dating a cheater.

But life is too short and the personality traits that are behind cheating are not easily remedied.

The good news (maybe?) is for ever cheater, there is a betrayed spouse who appreciates fidelity and honor. So, let the cheaters intermingle in their own cesspool.

Cheatee posted 4/17/2019 15:15 PM

duplicate. sorry.

[This message edited by Cheatee at 3:16 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

amli posted 4/17/2019 15:34 PM

No. No. No. And, yes, I recognize that there is no guarantee that someone that has't before never will. But, for me, my decision is based on history. My husband, then my boyfriend, was married before. They were both very young. After we had been dating about 2 months I felt comfortable asking what happened. He told me he cheated on her and would understand if I didn't want to see him anymore.

I thought, "What an honest guy. That could not have been easy to tell me and he could have lied."

Fast forward-after many, many years together I learn he cheated on me for half of them with multiple people.

I should have focused more on the second thing he credited the demise of his marriage on, "she wouldn't forgive him." That's the part that I should have HEARD and ran. Yes, it's her fault. Turd.

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