I'm trying to decide if a grand gesture (proposal) and commitment to work through my issues would be sweet and and accepted, or if that's batshit crazy stuff.
My now-ex was king of the grand gesture. Problem is, it's not a fix all, and based on what you have described here, it is indeed batshit crazy stuff. Don't do it.
. . . we'd been missing the mark on communicating well for a while, but when we first got together the communication was awesome. It's no like we stopped talking, it's just every talk ended in one of us getting upset.
Let's get something straight--communication isn't just talking. It's listening, understanding, internalizing and moving forward together. You can talk until the cows come home, but if you aren't listening, if your partner isn't listening and internalizing, if you both aren't trying to come to an understanding about things, it's just noise.
Now, take as a case in point your issue with pornography and it being equal/unequal to infidelity.
Did you ask her why she felt that way (in a genuinely curious and non-threatening way). Did you try and understand how she made that connection without trying to convince her that she is wrong? Were you able to discuss each other's viewpoints without escalating into a right/wrong scenario (I already know the answer to this one).
Let's take a couple of possibilities on this topic. Now, I'm making broad generalizations, but I hope you can get where I'm coming from.
Let's say she made that statement because deep down, she really loathes pornography and lumps it in with infidelity. However, in order to keep the peace with you, she says she doesn't mind it But truly, she hates it. If she doesn't communicate this to you and if you don't receive that message clearly without reacting negatively to it, you're not communicating. So there's one possible side to this.
The other is that, like most people who have never personally experienced infidelity, she doesn't have a clue about the depth of the betrayal or the lingering effects of its aftermath. Is she able to communicate this to you without you reacting like she's a moron for thinking that? Are you empathetic to her in this scenario? Or are you merely focused on your viewpoint and unable to entertain another point of view, or perhaps to share your experience so that she has a deeper understanding.
I get the feeling you talk, but when you run up against major friction-causing issues, it all falls apart.
You didn't say how long you had been together, so I'm guessing it may be around the year timeframe. I think that's MUCH too soon to think about marriage (and if you're viewing a proposal as a grand gesture designed to manipulate her into continuing a relationship with you, I think that's one of the worst ideas I've seen in a long time).
I think you certainly CAN trust someone again, but I think a lot of healing needs to take place in order to get to a place of being able to discern who is trustworthy and who is not. I don't think it's the issue of always looking for the red flags as much as it should be the issue of looking for someone who meets your important criteria (whatever that may be). No one is going to be a perfect fit. There will be friction points. The issue then becomes how to best handle those, and what sort of mature, adult, non-reactive discussions you can have to come to a resolution on them.
Cat