SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

GreenVelvet posted 3/29/2019 23:58 PM

I've confided in a few friends (3 total) and every single one of them has relayed to me that my WS and I were regarded as their epitome of what a healthy, stable relationship looks like.

Should this give me hope for our future? It hurts so bad to know that what we had meant something to OTHER PEOPLE as well as myself. We never put up a front on social media or made grandiose PDA or anything, just always had a steadfast kind of relationship. I myself thought we had something special and then he had an EA which resulted in a PA (on his fucking birthday 🤮 - good luck to me getting past that in the future!) Has anyone else been the victim of an A that had a seemingly perfect marriage to those close to you? I feel like this makes the betrayal WORSE! And invalidates any desire I may have in the future to separate (currently in recovery so I'm not making any decisions ATM)?? I look like a smacked ass. Also, and this is strictly for BW of WH... you ever punch him in the face? I'd love to hear how that felt. I really feel like that'll help.

[This message edited by GreenVelvet at 7:16 PM, March 30th (Saturday)]

Marie2792 posted 3/30/2019 03:01 AM

I am sorry you are here. There’s a ton of good information here and lots of advice will come along soon. Takenwhat yiu feel you need and ignore the rest.

I wouldn’t describe us relationship goals but we were approaching our 20 year anniversary at the time of dday. I can answer two of your questions. The first, how do you get over your WH screwing the AP on his birthday? My husband was with his OW at the stroke of midnight the day before his birthday so he rang it in with her doing whatever. I have been able to reclaim many of the dates involved in his A but not that one. So going on 5 years no sex on his birthday.

Punching him in the face? Did that. I felt horrible afterwards and he felt he deserved it. No real satisfaction there.

It’s early in your process. Please read all that you can. Get tested for STD’s, him too. See a therapist if you need to. Sleep, eat and limit alcohol.

Sunshine184 posted 3/30/2019 06:55 AM

Yes, we were considered one of those couples. Same thing - didn’t post on social media much. We’d been married exactly 20 years. Built and sold companies, raised three wonderful kids who were becoming amazing, well-rounded adults with realistic personal goals. We had a plan for our future, rarely argued, never fought, healthy sex life, in great shape/health. When he betrayed me, I blew up his world. I wasn’t keeping that a secret. So, our marriage doesn’t look so rosy to others anymore but I’m totally ok with that. It’s a good example to others that no matter how good someone has life by the tail, people fail. I’m making sure that I stay authentic.
I didn’t hit him. I was too wounded. I’m not fight or flight, I’m freeze. I don’t think I would have felt better if I’d hit him though; I come from a large family and we kids always had scuffles. I never felt good about myself from that so I carried that forward in how I handle myself with never being physical.
If you feel that kind of retaliatory energy, maybe the gym? Kickboxing? I run about 4km every day, to wear off the negative energy, as well as yoga and meditation when I wake up in the morning. ((Take care of yourself))

The1stWife posted 3/30/2019 08:04 AM

When I told my sister that my H was cheating - she told me I am imagining things. She could not believe it. When I told her that he admitted it (in the early days of the Affair he down played it and he did admit it) only then did she believe me.

No one would have thought he would cheat. And it was during our year to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary and we had a good marriage. No complaints.

He used to say I should punch him for what he did to me. But I never did.

However even though we reconciled I have a post nup and separated all my assets from him. Just in case.

I’m sorry you are facing this but please know you will survive it. We all do - it just takes time. It is a slow and painful recovery whether you reconcile or divorce.

The only hope you can have right now is that the Affair has ended permanently and that he is remorseful and committed to you and the marriage and doing everything he can to heal you and make amends.

You hope to see he is willing to be transparent and understanding about boundaries. That he is remorseful for his poor choices - not regretful he was caught.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:05 AM, March 30th (Saturday)]

millionpieces posted 3/30/2019 09:59 AM

I think the major concern isn’t what others think it’s about what you thought. The thought you had the perfect marriage and than your wh went and smashed it all to bits. I don’t think it makes it harder or easier a broken heart and relationship is broken regardless. I agree with not making any rash decisions give your self some time to process do the 180 and do what’s best for you. As for punching them in the face I would like to know the answer to that as it is something that I think about. In the end I really don’t think it would make me feel better maybe for like second but the pain will still be there and your hand would hurt. I don’t think it’s worth it

GreenVelvet posted 3/30/2019 19:20 PM

Yes, the hard part is that I believed we had a near- perfect marriage. It just hurts to have those closest to me validate that claim. Does it bode well for our future and chances of reconciling? What is reconciling even supposed to look like?

pureheartkit posted 3/30/2019 20:13 PM

Yes. We grew up on the same street as kids.First love in HS and dated others in college. Back together as we began our careers after trying a few jobs. I've known him all my life. Thought we were destined. Thought we had some unbreakable love. Pledged myself to him until the end.
I never questioned, never looked at phone or emails. Never looked to see where he went online. Never dreamed his friendliness toward others was tearing down my boundaries. Doing favors, chatting after work, house sitting, giving her pet meds while she was away. I thought he was a great guy to be so generous and caring. Pfffft! Lying to me and gaslighting!

Then your beautiful dream of love is gone. Your true love was a manipulative liar who just wanted more than the amazing thing life gave them. Threw away something rare for some cheap thrills and ego kibbles.

Now it's gone, you won't ever look at them that way again. And you won't ever trust like that again.

Sorry about the birthday trigger, they never consider the future when they do these things. Like, its going to come up every single year now dummy.

ibonnie posted 3/30/2019 20:17 PM

You're not alone. I posted about this not so long ago here: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=636054

Unfortunately, a relationship can be good and someone can still choose to cheat because they're messed up internally.

brkn_heartd posted 3/30/2019 20:19 PM

Many thought we had the perfect marriage and many still do. Very few now otherwise. Sometimes makes me sick for people to still hold us up when I know how broken we are. I have not told everyone as it is none of their business....but I know what you are saying...when so many see us as the perfect couple only to find out we are not......for me....no it didn't give me any more hope. What helped was his commitment (finally) to making things right.

Hg65 posted 3/30/2019 21:05 PM

Not only would shock waves reverberate throughout our social circles if anyone knew what my husband did, his professional peers would never recover from the disappointment. His reputation would be flushed.

It would be THAT BAD.

I never told anyone. I couldn’t deal with the humiliation of it all. I couldn’t deal with the gossip.

And I STILL can’t believe it happened to me! I was a marriage snob. Very confident and sure MY husband would never be “that guy,”

I got knocked off my high horse and back into reality right quick.

Dragonfly123 posted 3/31/2019 03:05 AM

Yes. We were considered extremely happy in our social and wider circles. I remember all the comments to my WH about how truly blessed he was to have such a lovely wife and children and happy marriage.

You know what, we were extremely happy. Or so I thought we were until he changed overnight, literally overnight.

And yes. I’m not proud of my behaviour on the few occasions where NC was broken. Each time it felt like a huge rush of Adrenalin and anger.

I’m a happy sort of person, glass half full kind of deal. Try to keep the status quo. Bottle up my resentment at times. I still bottle up my hurt. I still try to keep the status quo. I have to work on that. When NC being broken occurred it was as though all my resentment and hurt just poured out. It didn’t help. Punching a steering wheel did, taking the car to a secluded place and just screaming and screaming did.

Green velvet I have no idea if being happily marriage prior to an affair is a good sign or bad. I’m still trying to work that out myself a year later but right now you’re right to be focused on yourself and your healing. Watch him very carefully. I’ve read so many stories now and very few CS are remorseful straight off, far from it. It takes time to find their empathy and compassion again (if they have any). They will often perform a kind of damage control. I think they go into fight or flight themselves. Some fight to save the marriage but from damage control perspective/for themselves, others go into flight and leave.

Just take care of yourself. I know so well how it feels to be completely blindsided by your husband’s actions.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 3:10 AM, March 31st (Sunday)]

GreenVelvet posted 3/31/2019 15:32 PM

Definitely guilty of being a "marriage snob". Definitely got knocked off my high horse and fell right into a pile of horseshit. 💩