SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

mamakitty posted 3/28/2019 16:16 PM

I am deleting thr post at the moment until i have time to repost with less details. Thanks for pointing that out....

[This message edited by mamakitty at 9:48 AM, March 31st (Sunday)]

Robert22205https posted 3/28/2019 16:34 PM

I'm sorry you're in this mess. It's not fair and there is no justification for his decision to have an affair. Save all your evidence. Save money in a safe place.

I suggest you visit a doctor and tell him what you just told us. He can give you meds to help sleep and control your emotional roller coaster.

I assume your nanny is single. Is your nanny licensed? If so, when you confront you can also report her for inappropriate behavior.

Ag123 posted 3/28/2019 17:43 PM

Sending you lots of virtual hugs. I can only imagine part of what you are going through. I think speaking to the lawyer will really help because he can help you understand your rights in your foreign country. Right now your mind is wondering with the what ifs but that should help getting a definite plan. Do you think his brother knows?

manofintegrity posted 3/28/2019 19:01 PM

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:07 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

mamakitty posted 3/28/2019 23:36 PM

She is not licensed. It just kind of happened. She is more like an aunt to the kids.

I do not think anyone knows. I could be wrong. But he has so many places to easily do a relationship ot is scary...

Do you think I am right to be fearful of my job? When and should i be contacting him regarding the situation? I could also speak to my sil... i know she is still meeting with a cousin’s wife who recently got divorced...

The problem is i do not think i could find a job that would support me and the boys if i lost this. And i would then have to make some way harder decisions (moving back to the states)

Again, at the moment I am hoping I am being paranoid.... and he would never do this. I am contracted for a differnt conpany and my position is not easily filled.

I am sleeping again, last night proved that. Second night in a row.

Will be delving into info here later today.

psychmom posted 3/29/2019 07:56 AM

I'm very sorry you are going through this, mamakitty. It's hard to know how he will act when he finds out you know, so expect the worst. What are the worst things he could do, and try to focus on managing those things before you confront him. Chances are good he will try to protect this OW, which often ends up hurting the wife and children.

Please protect yourself financially and personally as best you can. When his world blows up he may react very badly. He's living a fantasy now and that's about to end. He will likely be angry and seek revenge for taking this double, secret life away from him. He may not be rational.

When you've got your passports secured, then speak to your sil if you believe she may be a friend to you a d support you. I do wish you well, but am so sorry he's not been an honorable, good husband or father.

The1stWife posted 3/29/2019 08:03 AM

I doubt your gut instinct is wrong. Most times the sneaky intuition is right.

I’m so sorry for you as you are in a precarious situation with your job and working for family.

My advice is say nothing to him. Keep pretending you know nothing but get a plan together.

Save as much $ as you can
Do not let on you know anything
Get the visas you need or passports and hide them in a safe place that only you have access to

Find yourself an online counselor - they are available via the Internet. It will help you get some support for yourself and right now you need support.

This is not just an Affair - you have other added issues with his cheating like loss of job and getting away from him.

I am sorry for you and your children. We are here to support you and provide any advice we can.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:07 AM, March 29th (Friday)]

swmnbc posted 3/29/2019 08:27 AM

I'm so sorry. Please remember that you are worthy. A good person would not vilify his life partner and the mother of his children in this way.

Ask the lawyer your question about your job. If you can prove that you lost your job as retaliation for confronting your husband about his affair, I wonder if that would hurt your husband in the divorce? I also hope he would not want you to have no job when they are his kids that need to be cared for as well. But like another post said, let's prepare for the worst even as we hope for better than that.

I wouldn't talk to your SIL until you have already formed a plan with your lawyer and have confronted him. She may tell her husband and make him "promise" not to tell, but he'll probably tell anyway. You want to control the confrontation as much as you can.

Luna10 posted 3/29/2019 09:04 AM

Is there any way you can actually convince him to move back to the states? Unfortunately Romania has really tough laws with regards to taking the kids outside the country without the other parent’s consent, you’re not even allowed to take them out the country on holiday without notarised and legalised documents therefore I’m afraid you will not be able to move back to the states with the kids without his consent.

Can you look for another job there which has no family ties?

You need moral support first. Have you got friends there that you can rely on? You need someone to hear you.

I admire you for being able to keep your mouth shut. Even just for the passports.

Listen, this may not be the most morally acceptable advice you may get but can you secure his agreement to go back to the states on holiday with the kids? That’s what I would do. Obtain the passports, get him to agree to take the kids out and then go on holiday. Once you’re in the states blow his world up. Send him an email with all the info you have and include all his family and the nanny on it. Show him what his fantasy becoming reality is like.

Also do the kids have dual citizenship?

mamakitty posted 3/29/2019 15:40 PM

Yes they are dual citizens.

I am actually getting the procura i need to bring them out of the country befroe telling him I know. We are redoing everyones (his included) we do a general one for a year.

Moving to the states at this point would be a 100% no go....

I have a great support system. I have several friends that are not close to my hisband. So I am protected and they will not tell. I also am seeing a counselor recommended by a friend wednesday.

I will think about that option. Not sure i am really in a place to take that trip (though i would love too). We just got back from australia and finances are tight and he would be very suspicious.

Talking to a lawyer mon/tues....

Luna10 posted 3/29/2019 17:39 PM

I’m sorry... keep your head above the water and try to find some clarity. Unfortunately you need to think very well if you believe you can live there divorced, if you can afford it on your job only and if you believe he’ll support you. If you think any moment that him and his family will turn against you, sack you from your job, try to keep you doing what he wants by financial blackmail and prevent you from getting the help you need from your family then get out with the kids and then blow his world up.

I want to be clear in my advice: I don’t agree with kids being separated from their parents so if you do decide to separate/divorce and he is supportive of you financially to ensure you can be a single mother there than you should provoke the dday and go from there.

However if you believe he’ll take advantage of you being in a foreign country and manipulate you financially the way he wants just because you’re trapped then better to get out of the country and return later once you have an agreement in place.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 5:40 PM, March 29th (Friday)]

sisoon posted 3/30/2019 08:49 AM

The US Embassy should be of help in an emergency - for example, if your H withholds your passport.

Sleeping is good. Talking to a lawyer is good, especially if confidentiality is a requirement. Online of IRL therapy with a good therapist can be very good.

I think your first problem is holding yourself together for 3 weeks, or more. Thinking helps, but if you can get someplace to feel your feelings - especially your fear - I think you'll be better off. You'll feel better, and more important you'll think more clearly, the more feelings you release.

Also, do you know what you want to do - D, S, or R? D takes 1, but R takes 2, and your H may not be a good candidate for R. IMO, it's important to know what you want, even if it may not be attainable.

Above all, have faith in yourself. You can get through this and live a good life. As awful as you feel now, you can thrive and feel joy again.

Recovery is a slow process, but you've got it in you to recover.

(((mamakitty))) - a hug if you want one

********

The Healing Library has lots of info, and I recommend you browse there - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp

max2018 posted 3/30/2019 10:22 AM

Forget about some people who are talking about reconciliation

YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOURSELF AND KIDS FIRST

I applaud you for keeping a level head

Start moving cash if you can and hide it

Have a plan to get away from him if you have to

Make sure you have the kids passports in your hand

Make sure to keep yourself busy

If you can get VAR do it

Good luck

[This message edited by max2018 at 10:27 AM, March 30th (Saturday)]

Edie posted 3/30/2019 11:23 AM

Good, I am glad you are meeting with a lawyer.

Can I advise you edit your opening post and edit any revealing details like the country you live in. You need to operate with stealth now in order to get out of infidelity in the best way possible for you.

I am very angry for you. I hope your anger will appear, that will give you the purpose and energy to get you through these next tasks and paperwork.

Do not rush to confront even then. Get a plan firmly in place so that you do not feel trapped by finances or circumstance. So that you feel you have options basically.

I’m sorry you are here. Please try to look after yourself and try not to worry too much. Do not let his disrespect infect your soul. It is his brokenness, narcissism and selfishness that has caused this,

Dragonfly123 posted 3/31/2019 03:22 AM

mamakitty how are you? How are your plans progressing? Do they know you know yet?

I’m so very sorry you have been treated like this. Their behaviour is utterly immoral.

I can’t add anything to the excellent advice you’ve had but to say please please take care of yourself. I know you’re rightly planning and plotting but that takes huge amounts of emotional energy. Please eat well, drink water and rest. The first few weeks after dday are the absolute worst. You’ll be in a state of shock. Bare that in mind at all times. I’m sending hugs.

mamakitty posted 3/31/2019 09:49 AM

I am doing ok. Have lots of appointments coming up this week. I will let you know what i find out...