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I just found out.

Youhurtmesobad posted 3/19/2019 10:52 AM

Last night after weeks of my husband telling me that he did not know how he felt about me....I finally got him to tell me that he had had sex with a work colleague on an overnight with work. He said it was once that hes so sorry she means nothing. All the usual stuff. My heart is broken. We have been together for 20 years and he wants us to fix this. We are organising to speak to professionals. Can anybody give me any advice on how to get rid of this feeling of panic and hurt so I can move on and we can be together???

fareast posted 3/19/2019 11:09 AM

Youhurtmesobad:

So sorry you find yourself here, but you will receive good support. You are still in shock from the emotional trauma. Just know that cheaters tend to lie a lot and minimize their transgressions, so it is unlikely you have the whole story. Most importantly take care of you. Read in the healing library located in the yellow box on this page. Lots of good info there. Please get checked for STDís ASAP. If it were me Inwould see an attorney to learn my rights. Donít be too quick to jump into the R mode. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster for a long period and your feelings can change. In any case give yourself time to process the pain and hurt and donít make any decisions right now. Time is your ally.

Your WH should read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by McDonald. A short read with some great info. Your WH needs to be transparent with all of his devices and phone. If the OW is M notify her OBS ASAP. He deserves to know he is living a lie. Exposure tends to kill an A quickly.

You may need to get into IC as should your WH. Do not allow him to rugsweep the A or tell you itís in the past and just get over it. He needs to answer all of your questions without defensiveness, and accept your anger and lashing out. Also, a common tactic is for the cheater to blame you for his decision to cheat. No. Just no. Nothing you did or didnít do in the M caused him to cheat. You were in the same M and did not cheat. Everyone goes thru stretches in their M where they feel neglected, unloved, bored or disconnected, but they donít cheat on their partner. Your WH had a lot of other valid options tomaddress any marital issues. There is never a valid reason to betray your spouse. Good luck.

manofintegrity posted 3/19/2019 11:47 AM

It is a good thing that he sensed you were on to him and he confessed. You need to understand that he is going minimize, lie, blame you, protect his AP, protect their jobs, protect their reputations, prevent you from talking to OBS, delete any proof. Men only get caught cheating 1 out of 9 times. The A may not mean anything to him, but you and his AP probably think differently.

The truth may be more along the lines of....she probably works under him, she is younger, he had unprotected sex with her 10X in many different locations, this is one of many affairs that he has had on the road, he claimed to ďlove herĒ to get in her pants, he wanted to end things, she threatened to tell you because she wants your man, she wants to destroy your marriage, the OBS is on to his wife, she is pregnant, he got an STD, etc.

Pretend all is normal until you get more proof or decide whether your marriage is worth saving. Run Fonelab software to pull deleted texts from his phone, pull online cell phone records (they most likely talked through work communications), put a VAR under his car seat, put a trail cam or hidden camera at home where he hangs out most, find out who she is and what department she is in, friends request everyone at his work (spies will talk to you later). Write everything down, record all conversations, as you wonít remember later. You can see lies easier as his story will always change a little each day. He has to lie 10X to cover one lie. I would out the A to the OBS and your families to start. Maybe their boss, friends, neighbors, everyone else later.

You can get through this, but he will have to do the heavy lifting. He will need to move away from AP at work, no contact letter, NC ever again! He will need to suffer some harsh consequences, or it will happen again. He is hoping you will just accept his apologies and life will go back to normal quickly. It will not for 2-5 years. Trust takes a short time to destroy and a long time to come back.

[This message edited by manofintegrity at 11:56 AM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

Jsmart posted 3/19/2019 12:09 PM

The question is, was this really a one night stand ? I'd bet it was most likely a consummation of an EA that's been brewing for months. For him to be telling you that he didn't know how he felt about you for weeks, doesn't jive with it being just a one time thing.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 12:11 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

1Faith posted 3/19/2019 12:20 PM

Youhurtmesobad

So sorry that you are here and that you are hurting. Please know that you have been heard. We understand the pain and uncertainty you are going through right now. We do.

Please take time to just breathe. You can't magically make this all "okay" nor can professional therapists (but they can certainly help).

Head up to the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner of the site. There is a lot of insightful information there for you to consider.

Can anybody give me any advice on how to get rid of this feeling of panic and hurt so I can move on and we can be together???

Infidelity is trauma and you must heal and healing takes time. Your WH (wayward husband) must look to get to the root of why he allowed himself to cheat and work to be a safe partner. You need to process this happened. Both and all of this takes TIME.

Keep posting, keep reading. You can and will make it through to the other side of this heartache.

(((hugs and prayers)))

junebug65000 posted 3/19/2019 12:44 PM

YHMSB,

I am so sorry for your discovery.
You will get some great first hand advice - here..
Unfortunately, the feeling of panic and hurt is your reaction to an attack by the person that should have been protecting you - your husband of 20 years. You have been traumatized.

Just remember. Your husband's affair is and was NOT related to you or to your marriage. He needs to get into counseling to determine why he felt entitled to seek an intimate relationship outside of the marriage AND learn how to prevent future affairs from happening again. His ACTIONS and NOT words will tell whether he is remorseful or regrets being discovered.Remorse is the key to heal the betrayed spouse and mend the broken marriage.


Take care of your health (physical and emotional).
Seek legal advice preferable from a Family Law Attorney, and get your own private counseling as well preferably one that specializes in infidelity/PTSD. It will take 2-5 years to heal. You will need to go through the stages of loss - shock, grief, anger, etc.so getting a good counselor will help you heal and become healthy and strong.

Later, it may be a good idea to check your financials/bank accounts to see if any of the family monies were spent for his affair activities. If so, consider opening a separate account under your name - only- and start transferring monies.

Keep in touch.

MamaDragon posted 3/19/2019 14:02 PM

best advice is to listen the veterans here on SI. They know what they are talking about.

First, both of you need to get STD checked. Even if he claims he used protection - he has broken your trust already - and he is probably minimizing the contact. Usual cheater speak is we only kissed = they had sex. We had sex once = 10x or more.

He probably confessed bc his AP got caught by her significant other and he was afraid the OS would tell you OR Work higher ups found out and they are in trouble at work. (not saying this is what happened but it does happen frequently). she may work under him - you need to know who she is...and if she works for or with him, one of them has to quit. You might want to get him to write a NC letter/email that he cc's you. You also need 100% access to all electronic devices & social media. GPS his phone with family location or find my phone. No, he doesn't get to negotiate, he made his bed now he has to deal with the repercussions.

Be prepared for Trickle Truth (TT). He is afraid to come clean because he doesn't want to reveal how bad it was - because he doesn't want to hurt you, he knows it will and he could possible lose you. (this is his thinking, he is in salvage mode at the moment). Try to get him to write a timeline - you can then compare that to any credit card bills, phone bills, bank statements. You can catch them in a lie that way. More than likely they texted each other frequently before they had sex. You can also do a Dr fone to recover text messages sometimes. You will be surprised at what he has done to keep this hidden, it is why he was so mean to you. He knows he did wrong! Look for different social media apps like snap chat or whats app.

Go see a lawyer - even if you are reconciling. You deserve to know what your options are - knowledge is power. You can let him know you are doing this - 20 year is a lot of years and in most states you would get half marital assets and half his retirement. I always suggest getting a post nup drawn up that protects you even further. I also like to tell BS's to have divorce papers drawn up too - give them to him and have him choose.

Don't let him rug sweep! Don't be nice to him, IE don't let him down play what he did. HE SCREWED UP, now make him do the heavy lifting of regaining your trust. Is he going to have to give up a lot of his freedom? Yeah but then he made the choice to betray your trust.

Please consider going to IC and MC - it truly does help. Also, see your doc for anxiety meds if you need them - they can help short term. Drink H20, exercise, eat healthy and try to get sleep - taking care of yourself physically will help the mental side too.

(hugs)

MamaDragon posted 3/19/2019 14:04 PM

forgot one thing, tell people what he has done so you have a support system.

Also tell the OS - you can even tell his boss if they don't know already. Businesses don't want that type of behavior in the workplace. It is frowned upon.

WhiteWolfWinning posted 3/19/2019 15:24 PM

You have come to the right place.

You cannnot magically make the feelings of panic and hurt go away quickly - and, honestly, that is a good thing.

The key to healing and to possibly repairing your marriage and moving on, is to bring everything into the light. Your pain is REAL and it should not be dismissed or ignored. Your pain is not an obstacle to saving your relationship.

Keep posting and reading here. There is much wisdom in this group.
Wolf

WorstClubEver posted 3/19/2019 16:26 PM

Can anybody give me any advice on how to get rid of this feeling of panic and hurt so I can move on and we can be together???

First and most important piece of advice: "getting rid" of your feelings so that you can save your M must not be your goal. This whole approach will guarantee ruin for you, and the M.

It will lead you to rugsweep. Which will cause ongoing, worsening resentment, and very likely future episodes of "I just found out he cheated again." (I speak from very painful personal experience, and in unison with a whole crowd of others here who have had that same experience as well).

Please believe the collective wisdom here. You have to be willing to lose your M, if you want to save your M.

You have to decide that your wholeness, and your dignity, are more important than the M. The M only survives if it can preserve those things. Your WH has to decide that absolute honesty and openness, and working to understand and repair his brokenness, are more important than the M. The M only survives if it can survive those things.

If you put the M before those things, it will just die a slow, painful death. If you put those things first, the M may die quickly, or it may heal and thrive. These are your only options, and the only possible outcomes.

Now is the time for courage. For both of you. It's the only way, if you really care about the M. You have to face this. And you have to face your feelings, and feel them. All. And your WH needs to face his demons. And fight them. All.

This is the only road back to the M you want to save. Please believe us.

The1stWife posted 3/19/2019 17:49 PM

Hmmmmm - heís telling you for weeks he doesnít want to be married and then you find out about a ďone night standĒ.

That cannot be the whole story. Sorry. 5 year - two time affair veteran here. Something is missing here - like the full truth from him.

And now he wants to to fix it????

Hmmmmm......

In addition to the already great advice you have received I suggest:

You watch his actions. Ignore his words. His actions will tell you everything.

As an example - my h swore up and down he wanted our marriage. But then would say ďI donít want to be marriedĒ. Next day - beg me to take him back. Then a few days later he was mean and nasty.

Why??? Because the Affair was still going on. He was still cheating while I thought we were reconciling. His actions clearly portrayed he wanted out of the marriage. But the words didnít match.

Get yourself a good counselor and support team. People you can trust. Do not rush into reconciliation. Give it time.

And a plan B needs to be developed just in case.

And I would demand a good post nup as a condition to reconcile.

BellaLee posted 3/23/2019 16:25 PM

Hi @Youhurtmesobad I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this in your marriage. I wish there was a magic wand to get rid of this hurt and panic you are feeling but unfortunately there is none but I do pray that with time you can heal from this hurt and become a stronger person for it. Do strongly consider going for IC and MC to help you and your husband process what has happened and the best way forward.

I just want to encourage you to remember that you are worthy of love that can be trusted and your worth is not a reflection of your husband's wrong choices. Stay strong.

Sending you hugs and a prayer.

Dispirited posted 3/23/2019 17:12 PM

and a rely from "youhurtme so bad"? Understandably- suggestions of philandering prior to the discovery isn't something anyone wants to even think about.

And then, all the crap begins with questions, TT, and less-than-honest replies. And so....a supposedly and trusting relationship suddenly turns into a slap in the face. These are the cowardly ways of people who "think" that a relationship outside of the marital or committed union can do something so egregious and expect understanding or a quick forgiving stance.

Obviously, some can forgive more than others and re: forgiveness, when the person is resolute upon acknowledging a mistake AND demonstrates a sincere attempt to restore trust, then "possibly", there can be some restoration. Otherwise? Forget it.

Not to tout myself....I have been "enticed" in the past. I chose to ignore and scoff at such "because" I took vows which meant something to me.
And even though that wasn't reciprocal in my past, my attitude has not changed.Reality is that people are readily tempted all the time, yet choose to engage in those enticements.

I am not a saint by any means, yet I do not commit to anyone if I can't at least make a concerted effort. And when I do that AND someone is deceptive, then good luck with me ever trusting them again. And that's me AND without children. I went through two betrayals and I understood that any choice of a partner is a "bet"- so to speak. I lost my bets, but I have not lost my morals and don't plan to change them simply because others haven't the same emphasis.

One has to decide what "mistakes" mean to each individual. And forgiveness should not forget about the facts in each case. Again, when trust is established and then it's broken, it's a long road to re-establish ANY trust. And unfortunately, this is an on-going issue for many.

Again (ad nauseum),each has to decide based upon their individual circumstances. I have been there too often, yet I see the opposite side. I never saw ANY effort to explain or apologize to me.

Perhaps, that's why I focus on victims who are in this shit scenario- just as I was.

Dispirited posted 3/23/2019 18:11 PM

and a rely from "youhurtme so bad"? Understandably- suggestions of philandering prior to the discovery isn't something anyone wants to even think about.

And then, all the crap begins with questions, TT, and less-than-honest replies. And so....a supposedly and trusting relationship suddenly turns into a slap in the face. These are the cowardly ways of people who "think" that a relationship outside of the marital or committed union can do something so egregious and expect understanding or a quick forgiving stance.

Obviously, some can forgive more than others and re: forgiveness, when the person is resolute upon acknowledging a mistake AND demonstrates a sincere attempt to restore trust, then "possibly", there can be some restoration. Otherwise? Forget it.

Not to tout myself....I have been "enticed" in the past. I chose to ignore and scoff at such "because" I took vows which meant something to me.
And even though that wasn't reciprocal in my past, my attitude has not changed.Reality is that people are readily tempted all the time, yet choose to engage in those enticements.

I am not a saint by any means, yet I do not commit to anyone if I can't at least make a concerted effort. And when I do that AND someone is deceptive, then good luck with me ever trusting them again. And that's me AND without children. I went through two betrayals and I understood that any choice of a partner is a "bet"- so to speak. I lost my bets, but I have not lost my morals and don't plan to change them simply because others haven't the same emphasis.

One has to decide what "mistakes" mean to each individual. And forgiveness should not forget about the facts in each case. Again, when trust is established and then it's broken, it's a long road to re-establish ANY trust. And unfortunately, this is an on-going issue for many.

Again (ad nauseum),each has to decide based upon their individual circumstances. I have been there too often, yet I see the opposite side. I never saw ANY effort to explain or apologize to me.

Perhaps, that's why I focus on victims who are in this shit scenario- just as I was.

Dispirited posted 3/23/2019 18:14 PM

Oh...I see...so STOP...STOP with any experience? It's obvious that "others" - who've gone through through this posting's similar scenarios and we are advised to STOP?

Pray tell your logic and/or thinking with that "beaut".

ibonnie posted 3/23/2019 20:00 PM

Not to threadjack manofintegrity, but where did you get this figure?

Men only get caught cheating 1 out of 9 times.

I've searched online and haven't found a 1 in 9 fact quoted anywhere.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 8:01 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)]

Tallgirl posted 3/23/2019 22:41 PM

Hi youhurtmesobad, I am sorry you are here. You will find support here.

I cannot tell you how to avoid the hurt and the pain. Frankly I personally donít believe that you can. It really is important that you start talking.

You both need to understand what is going on between you two and why he chose to cheat. It is highly likely that there is more to this that heís told you. Please understand that most of us have gone through multiple confessions, a long period of trickle truth, and And often continued cheating. My husband told me about his five year affair in May, he swore he wanted us and had stopped seeing her and in July I found out that he never stopped and he was still sleeping with her. Please understand when you cheat, you lie and lying becomes very easy. Yes easy for those people that we never thought could lie to us.

Some thoughts. Donít expect the hurt to go away, it will get worse If you pretend the problem didnít happen. Face the problem and dig into it. Be very clear with your husband that he cannot continue. Give him rules and give him a deal breakers. Cheating is cheating even if itís one night stand. Expect him to lie to you, they do, itís a sad truth. Read the healing library, there are many excellent articles. Be kind to yourself. This is the most Traumatic thing you will likely ever go through. Itís really hard so make sure you are healthy. Be kind to yourself.

Most importantly, remember this was his choice. Nothing about this is your fault. Your husband chose to cheat. They often blame you. Itís a long journey honey. You will be fine over time. Keep posting. Weíre here

amethyst0323 posted 3/23/2019 23:22 PM

Hi Youhurtmesobad,

So sorry you have found your way here. I don't post often as I'm still dealing with my own trauma and coping in ways I can. Your thread stuck a chord with me though and I just wanted to reply to offer a bit of support.

Gently, as others have said you have very likely not got the whole truth yet. My husband confessed to an 18month EA/ sexting/online affair with a colleague in Jan 2018. He was adamant that there had been no physical contact and I believe him as it felt like he had had no opportunity for more. He also sent a NC email and told me it had stopped.

In April 2018 I found a "........liked your message 1 week ago" on Instagram. I had got suspicious it was ongoing so snooped. After seeing this I threw him out and told him that I was sick of being lied to and cheated on and that I would be divorcing him. He came home the next day and confessed (about 98% - he still lied about a small part of it). His affair was a 2 year one with physical contact on 4 nights away (when I believed he was with friends) but also in a cupboard at his workplace. I would never have imagined he would do this at his workplace - he was always so professional, wanted to maintain a reputation. Unfortunately, when people cheat their integrity and morals disappear completely and you will hardly recognise who they are.

I've posted the above to show that even if you believe that they had no opportunities for more than their one night together they likely did. When my husband was still in his affair (Jan - Apr) he was reluctant to discuss it, still kept passwords secret etc and was defensive (you did this.... it happened because..... our marriage was not good for years.....). After it had all ended he became the complete opposite - talking every night, fully disclosing passwords etc, changed phone number, removed all social media - his choice not my request.)


And now I want to give some positives as a lot of people here are obviously hurting and sometimes in hurt we focus on the negatives.

I love my husband, even on the night I threw him out I knew I wanted to make our marriage work if I could. It is not easy - we are just shy of 1 year after full disclosure. There are times I think I should leave but there are also times my marriage is good and I know staying and working through it is the right decision. He (and I) still work with the AP. Our situation is very complicated as we are overseas. However, we are leaving in July so the end is in sight. Healing and repairing a marriage when the AP works with your spouse is hell believe me. Realistically one of them should leave/move but obviously it may not always be possible.

However, if your spouse is fully remorseful and wants to work on himself you can do it. He has to be fully honest with, he has to be fully transparent and he has to do whatever you need to work through it. Do not hide your pain, do not push it to one side in order to stay together. He needs to see the devastation he has caused.

I saw on here a quote somewhere that said something along the lines of you have to be prepared to lose the marriage in order to save the marriage. He needs to know that he could lose it all or he will keep taking you for granted. My husband knows this is it, he gets this chance and if he blows it I will leave. He knows he has to work hard from now on but most importantly he has realised that I am worth that, that I deserve a good husband and that he doesn't want to lose me.

Good luck, your marriage can survive but it will need him to be honest to do this.

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